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He waits every night for the sound.
Knock, knock.
The sound of delicate, slender knuckles against oak wood. A sound so simple, yet so sacred in the dead of night.
Aj’s places his controller down, allowing gunfire from his PC to pause momentarily. The tips of his ears feel tingly, something he realises happens a lot. He rises from the comfort of his bed and unlocks the door with a click.
“Hey Aje.”
The man should tower before him, as he always does. A height difference that Aj has gotten used to over the years. But tonight, Niko stands small, shoulders hunching slightly and fingers gripping around the hem of his black hoodie.
“Can’t sleep again?” the older man asks, his voice free of any judgement or mockery. Just a question, plain and easy.
It was always easy, with Niko.
“Yeah.”
“Wanna play FIFA?”
“All night. Still gotta get you back for smoking me last time,” Niko smiles, a faint show of gratitude in the form of a tease.
Aj knows this, laughing as he makes space in the doorway, “Never gonna happen, man.”
—
They sit in his bed that felt too small, cross-legged with their knees touching.
“There’s no way. You rigged this,” Niko has one hand on his mouth, bewildered that he got beaten 5-1. The clock points to three in the morning, the night quiet apart from the voices of the two housemates.
“You think I can rig a FIFA game, yeah? Nice one.”
“You did it with your stink breath. Penetrated the system and all. Messed with the game.”
“Lost your mind. Long-necked prick. Breath horrendous as well.”
“Sorry Aje can’t hear you from down there cause you're just so small.”
At this Aj lunges, hands gripping the scruff of Niko’s hoodie. The taller man shrieks in response, arms flailing in an attempt to defend himself. They tussle for some time, all blankets and pillows, until Aj finds himself hovering above him, the space between them too thin.
The room seemed to still for a moment. Aj feels an emotion wash over him, familiar, yet too weird all the same.
He cannot figure out what it is. He sure as hell doesn't want to.
Releasing his grip, a dull, trivial motion, Aj crawls back to his side of the bed. Nearly an ocean’s distance away.
“Right, come on then Niko. One more game.”
He makes sure their knees do not touch again.
—
Every morning after the knocks, sunlight seeps through his windows, and Aj watches the sleeping figure in his own bed.
His breathing, gentle and rhythmic in the silence.
His tall, intimidating body, wrapped in Aj’s blanket, hugging his Gengar plush that he brought from home.
His lashes, fluttering ever so slightly as he sleeps.
Aj asked him once, what he has nightmares about.
“It’s nothing, really.”
“You can’t just say that after crashing in here three nights in a row.”
“Ai so you don’t want me here?”
“Never said that.”
A silence. Aj fears that he crossed a line.
“School days. They were never nice to me,” Niko starts, and Aj recalls him mentioning his childhood in passing conversation. Aj wonders if he should've realised sooner.
“I don't think I made it obvious,” Niko adds, as if he could hear Aj’s thoughts. “Nobody actually knows. Just me, my parents.”
“And me, now.”
They talk in quiet voices, that night, under the soft glow of his table lamp. About school, and growing up, and football, and running to get Freddos after classes. Everything, and nothing at all.
“Kinda sad that you still have nightmares though. Those things happened years ago. Look at you now,” Aj poked at his shoulder.
“Crazy, innit? Guess it’s just something I’ll have to live with.”
“Hey, hey, no no no. We’re not gonna let the old- the past.. the- mess with your- uh- your-”
“Don’t stumble on your teeth though.”
“Got me. Anyway, my point is, I hope you start dreaming about nice things instead. None of that bullshit.”
“Yeah, you’re right though, Aje. Dreams should be good.”
“And that’s gonna start tonight. Trust me.”
“Fairs. Good dreams, and good dreams only,” Niko hums, a terrible tune, and Aj cracks a smile.
The two eventually tire out, engulfing the room in silence.
In his slumber, Aj dreams of Niko.
—
He seethes with something nasty everytime he sees her. He hates himself for it, tells himself he should know better.
Aj watches from the kitchen counter as the woman embraces Niko on the porch. They lock lips, and his gaze falls in an instant.
Like it burnt.
He busies himself with washing and drying the remaining plates, arranging them in the cupboards. Niko’s girlfriend is now through the doorway and moving towards him, so he sucks in a breath before greeting her.
She is kind, and gentle, and beautiful.
Everything he is not.
Niko eventually joins them at the kitchen counter, the three voices overlapping in simple melody.
“I brought drinks! Didn’t really know what to get, actually, so I just got all of us matcha,” the woman says, her eyes forming crescents as she beams.
“He don’t really like matcha like that, though.”
“Huh?”
Aj feels his throat go dry.
“Nothing. I just-”
A buzzing sound cuts him off, and Aj sighs in relief as she picks up her phone from the counter.
“God, give me a moment!” the woman exclaims, pacing towards Niko’s room, and it’s clear that she didn't hear what Aj muttered under his breath.
His fingers fiddle with the straw in his cup, stirring the green liquid, hoping the man across from him didn't hear it either.
“Can’t remember my birthday but you remember that one time I cussed this drink out?” his voice is light, teasing.
Aj feels the sensation at the tip of his ears again.
Foreign. Familiar.
“What can I say? Different priorities, innit?”
“You weirdo,” Niko laughs. “Guess it doesn't hurt to try again. Maybe I’ll like it this time,” he continues, and for some reason, Aj can't decipher the look on his face.
“Aight, bet.”
So Aj sips on the drink, bitter and grassy on his tongue, knowing that Niko would’ve preferred a butter latte from the cafe up north.
—
“Oi, you prick!”
Aj’s voice echoes from his bedroom to the bottom of the stairs. He scoops the NDL hoodie off the floor and onto his shoulder as he makes his way to the living room. The scent of Niko’s cologne still lingers on the fabric.
“Where the hell is this guy?” he asks, mainly to himself, now realising that the house is empty.
Last night, Niko crashed in his room again. Recent days have become some sort of a blur, but at some point, Niko stopped mentioning nightmares. He would come in, a pillow or two in hand, and take up half of Aj’s bed. No reasoning, no explanation.
And Aj never pressed. His door would be open for him, always.
Some nights, when the weather outside was too warm, Niko would sleep shirtless, throwing his tops on the floor as he pleased. Aj told him off before, but his words clearly took no effect.
So Aj roams around an empty house at eight in the morning, trying to find the man responsible for the mess in his room.
His phone chimes.
Got something on, forgot to tell you
I’ll grab Nandos back for lunch
Btw there should be a package at the door lmk what you think
“Package…?” Aj mutters, walking over to the front porch.
He fumbles with the sealing tape, tossing it away as he reaches into the brown box. He pulls out another box– a shoe box, to be specific– with the Adidas logo on it.
Aj feels the heat rush to his cheeks.
He is, no doubt, alone on that porch, yet his face is flushing as if a million cameras were on him. He racks his brain to figure out how Niko could have known.
It must have been a week ago, he recalls. The two best friends were sleepless, letting conversation float comfortably between them in the middle of the night. Aj mentioned the new predator boots once. He made no show of desperation, no emphasis on the little thing. He merely said that he adored them, and that he has it on his wish list.
Now he runs his finger across the seams as a quiet warmth fills his body.
“You got me the preds? Are you mad?” Aj shouts into his phone. He is in the backyard with a ball between his feet. The boots fit him perfectly, hugging the curves of his soles with ease.
“Happy early birthday, I guess,” Niko says, his face lighting up Aj’s screen.
“My birthday isn’t till August, I know you know that.”
“Yeah, caught me,” Niko laughs, a bashful sound. Aj isn't sure what to make of those words. He isn't sure what they implied, if they implied anything at all. What he knows is that Niko is smiling at him, and Aj, despite himself, is smiling back.
He flips the camera around to show off the boots, doing kick ups as the April breeze dances around him.
“Ai those look good on you, Aje.”
And again the sensation in his ears is back, but Aj welcomes it now, treats it like a blessing.
“They look better cause you paid for them.”
“Craaazy.”
“Yo, come home soon so we can play, man. I’ll call the mandem over and...” Aj trails off when he hears a voice coming from the other end of the line. Light and feminine. Gentle and kind.
He feels his heart drop and his stomach twist, and the heat of spring is suddenly all too much.
He craves for the cold of winter, underneath the covers with Niko beside him, never too close to touch.
“My girl’s calling. I’ll be back soon, see you Aje,” and with that, the call ends. Aj stares at his blank phone screen for a minute too long.
Stupid isn't even enough to cover what he feels. He searches for a word to insult the naive, the hopeful, the helpless.
He turns back to the house, but catches a whiff of Niko’s cologne. He realises the hoodie is still slung over his shoulder.
He needs it gone. He needs to rid himself from everything he knows.
Aj heads to the laundry basket and buries it under the other clothes. Foolish, he thinks, as he tries to bury his feelings as well.
—
The party– or, as Chunkz declares, gathering with food and music and no alcohol– is buzzing with people.
Aj leans against the sofa, an empty cup hanging loosely from his fingers. Sharky hovers to his right, absentmindedly munching on a glazed donut. A few feet from him, Chunkz and Darkest seem to be in deep conversation, their voices inaudible over the speakers.
His gaze lingers on the center of the room, where Niko and Kenny share the space with other familiar faces, moving to the music.
They stay like this for a while until Niko beckons everyone to dance with them.
For the most part, Aj has fun. He jumps about with Kenny when a Michael Jackson tune plays. He does the Brazilian dance with Sharky even though he thought it was silly. Time passes like a fuzzy memory as Aj twirls between the bodies around him.
He isn't sure when it happened.
The energy seemed to have dissipated. Slower songs begin to play on the speakers, and people start swaying to the rhythm.
He feels a hand on his waist, gentle, but firm enough for him to turn his head. He looks up at the familiar face, low lights casting shadows on his side profile.
Niko grabs his other hand, and in one motion, they are face to face, swaying back and forth to the music.
“Mentalllll,” he hears Chunkz’s voice from the crowd.
Aj thinks he should resist. He thinks he should push him away, like he has countless times. He thinks about Niko’s girlfriend, and thinks about what she would've said if she were here.
But she isn't here, and right now, all he can think of is Niko.
So he breathes out, letting himself be guided completely. Step forward. Step back.
Maybe we get married one day,
His chest contracts upon hearing the music.
but who knows?
Niko is smiling. It is the same smile he sees at night, when the house is quiet and they are sharing a bed.
Think I’ll take that thought to the grave,
The other people in the room disappear, as his gaze fixes on the man before him. They become tiny stars surrounding the center of his galaxy.
but who knows?
And then he remembers.
Aj Shabeel is a fool.
The song must have ended long ago, because in his ears is just static, and he can’t place when Niko let go of his hand.
He squirms against the crowd and leaves through the front door, muttering pathetic apologies on the way.
The next day, he would tell them that he had a bad stomach, which wouldn't be far from the truth.
—
It is 4am.
Aj is awake and alone in bed.
He has been drifting in and out of sleep, his mind unsettled, fogged by the thoughts of his housemate.
Niko is in his own room, having turned off the lights hours ago. Aj knows he has an early meeting to discuss a video for his main channel.
Aj’s bedroom is empty without him. Cold, without the warmth of an extra body.
Now that he is awake again, he suddenly feels the need to pee. He gets up groggily, shuffling his feet across the floor when they get caught in a fabric.
A plain blue shirt, he sees as he turns on the lights– Niko’s.
He leaves the shirt on the floor, wanting the owner to pick it up himself. Aj then walks down the darkened hallway to the toilet.
How much longer, he thinks, can he live like this?
How much longer can he keep it up?
Loving a man that does not love him back?
It would've seemed like an unimaginable scenario years ago. Something Aj would maybe laugh at, and then feel a little sympathy for. But sympathy is no use for him now. He doubts anything will be.
Aj wants to blame Niko.
He wants to resent him for making him feel so much while giving him nothing at all.
It is a harsh truth, but Niko has never treated him as more than a best friend. Niko has never touched Aj in the dark, and he has never said anything he meant more than a joke.
Aj is the fool, at the end of the day, for making everything out of nothing.
He wants to hate Niko. He wants to hold a grudge against him, one so strong he can forget everything else.
He wants to feel bitter, and spiteful, and angry.
He wants, and he wants, but God does what God wants.
And that is for Aj to love.
—
Niko falls asleep first.
Aj doesn't.
His hands move on their own accord, towards the face of the man in his bed. Aj hesitates, for a brief moment, and then slowly touches Niko’s cheekbone.
It burns, and it burns, and it feels so wrong, but he leaves his fingers there, against his skin.
It was just Niko.
Niko, who he has known for almost ten years now.
Niko, who he sees in the morning, and at Beta shoots, and at night, when the sun comes down.
Niko, whose life has intertwined so irreversibly with his. Aj orbits around him, like an earth to its sun, in a never-ending pattern.
His sun.
His muse.
He yanks his hand back, now scalding at the touch.
Niko, who could never be his. Not in this lifetime. Not in the next.
—
Aj hears the knocks again.
Only this time, they were deafening. Pounding in his ears, ringing through his skull.
He gets up and tries to get to the door– to Niko.
He’s almost there, fingers just centimetres away from the handle, when he jolts awake.
And all he hears is silence.
All he sees is darkness.
All he feels is solitude.
Aj sits in the bed of his new apartment. Cardboard boxes line the walls, unopened since he moved in. There are some clothes on the floor, clothes that could only belong to him.
He remembers then that he is alone, and two weeks have passed since they parted ways.
“You have fun at your new place, yeah?” Niko had said.
But Aj’s apartment feels too small.
Too small to hold the love he is too afraid to let out.