Chapter Text
They said you was dead before you even hit the ground. As if that’s supposed to be some kind of comfort or something. It sure as hell ain’t kid. Not to us and certainly not to your brothers.
Soda just about lost it when you went down. One minute Dallas is being shot at and the next you’re down too. Soda crawled over to you. Tried shaking you awake. Thing was, your eyes were open but you wasn’t saying nothing. Darry was standing there frozen. I ain’t ever seen him like that, never.
Soda wouldn’t stop shaking you. Then Two-Bit came over. He leaned over you “Lord almighty he ain’t breathing.”
I think it hit us then. Soda was feeling franticly for a pulse. He never found one. One second he was trying to find it and the next he was screaming. I ain’t ever heard a sound like that in all my life. Didn’t sound human.
By the time the paramedics came for Dallas and you. Soda wasn’t letting go. Me and Two-Bit, we tried. Lord, we tried. But he wouldn’t budge. He wasn’t screaming no more. Just crying and begging you to wake up.
Darry still didn’t move. That scared me more than anything. Him standing stock still, staring at the both of you. Old Superman’s the strongest person I know but he looked like the wind might knock him over any second. He wasn’t moving. Just stood there looking, still as stone.
That is, till the paramedics came and tried to take you away. Soda was losing it man. Wrapped himself around you and wouldn’t let go. Wouldn’t let them anywhere near you. Me and Two-Bit, we tried talking to him again but he wouldn’t budge. Just kept rocking you back and forth and telling you, you was going to be okay. Screamed anytime the paramedics came near ya.
I think that’s what broke Darry out of it. Seeing him like that. He ran over and wrapped his arms around both of you. He was crying then. We all was if ya want to know the truth. First Johnny, then Dally and you too. All with in two hours. It was a lot kid.
Darry leaned down and ruffled your hair. His shoulders were shaking something awful. He put his forehead to Soda’s. I didn’t catch what he said but Soda just shook his head and held you tighter. I heard Darry then. “Please Pepsi. We got to let them have him.” He sounded horrible, begging like that. I ain’t heard Darry beg a day in my life.
Soda was still shaking his head. It was like he couldn’t even hear Darry. Or maybe didn’t want to. In the end it took Darry, Two-Bit and the paramedics to get y’all apart. Soda wouldn’t stop screaming when they took you. I’ll never forget the sound. Still dream about it sometimes.
I’d like to say that was the worst of it, but I’d be lying and if there was one thing I always was to you kid, it was truthful.
Something snapped in Soda after that night. It’s like the lights were on but nobody was there. I knew he loved you kid, how could I not? But this, I never knew loving somebody could be this painful.
He tried jumping in after your casket. Wasn’t no funeral for Johnny or Dally. Not a real one anyways. Johnnys folks couldn’t care less and nobody even knew where Dally’s old man was, but you had one.
It was awful. The coffin was small. Never realized you was that much smaller than the rest of us. You carried yourself bigger. But that coffin was tiny. I remember your parents, theirs laying side by side. So much bigger than yours.
Soda wouldn’t stop crying the entire time. Took both me and Darry to keep him upright. Then they started lowering you down and Soda made to run towards your grave. If Darry hadn’t been so fast, he might have made it too.
Locked himself in y’all’s room afterwards and wouldn’t come out. Darry left food by the door and he never touched it. Didn’t even come to work. If Mr. Haines was anyone else, he might have fired Soda on the spot but he’s a decent guy.
Darry wasn’t much better. Worked himself half to death all day then set outside your door all night, eyes red from crying. I ain’t never seen him cry before that night but seems to me that’s all he did anymore.
A social worker came later that week to try and take Soda. That was the first time he came out of the room. He looked terrible. Probably lost 15 pounds, his eyes were red and puffy and had dark circles under them. He told her in no uncertain terms that if she tried to take him, he’d kill himself then and there. He had a blade in his hand and everything. Like maybe he was contemplating it the whole time.
I really thought he might do it too. The social worker’s face went really white. I never felt my heart stop beating so fast. I couldn’t move kid. Was damn near frozen to the spot.
Soda’s eyes were wild and his hand was shaking. He put that blade to his throat. Kid, it scared the ever-loving shit out of me. We couldn’t lose Soda too. Not after you and Johnny and Dally. We just couldn’t.
Darry bum rushed him. Tackled him to the floor and I grabbed the knife. Soda started crying then. Begging Darry not to let her take him away. He pulled Soda right into his arms and began to rock him, just like Soda with you that night.
Social Worker must have had a heart because she left saying she would see what she could do. They never did try and take him again.
I’d like to say everything was better after that, but things ain’t ever that easy kid, not for us. But I guess you know that.
Darry removed all the doors from the house, sept the front and back. Put them down in the cellar. He was afraid to leave Soda alone after that. We all were. Two-Bit stayed when me and Darry had work. I stayed when I didn’t. On the couch mostly. Soda didn’t hardly let no one in your room, sept for Darry sometimes.
I can kind of understand it really. That was the last place he shared with you. He nearly lost it when Darry tried packing your stuff up. If there’d been a door, I think he’d have locked himself in there all over again.
I found him one night tracing his hands over the pages in one of your books, just crying. It was a poetry book. He let me see it. Shoulders shaking.
There's little joy in life for me,
And little terror in the grave;
I 've lived the parting hour to see
Of one I would have died to save.
“I’d have died for him Steve. Why couldn’t I’d have died for him?”
Lord kid. Soda loves you something awful. You know that? I didn’t have nothing much to say to him when he said that. Just wrapped my arm across his shoulder, wishing that I did.
He was so happy when you came home. Worried as hell about Johnny, we all were. But so happy. It was the first time in a week he seemed like himself. Laughing and goofing off at the register. Flirting with the little old ladies while pumping their gas.
Then less than 24 hours later you were gone, all three of you. It don’t seem right. Maybe it would have been better if you’d just all died when that church went up. I feel awful for thinking it. But it’s better than that brief glimmer of hope.
I sat with Darry outside one day smoking. Can you imagine that? Superman smoking? It was then that he told me. “Doc said there was nothing we could have done,” he said sighing. “Could have been the church or the soc kicking him in the head, but he was already bleeding out. Even if we got him to the hospital after the rumble, he’d have been gone. Don’t seem fair.” He took a long drag, eyes distant, watery. “To get him back only to still loose him in the end.”
And it ain’t kid. It really ain’t.
We went from a gang of 7 to a gang of 5 and back to 7 again and in less than 24 hours there were just 4 of us.
Hope was one hell of a cruel joke.
It’s even worse cause of Johnny. He left you this copy of y’all’s book, Gone With the Wind. There was a letter in it. I don’t understand much of what he said in it, but he thought you and Dally were gonna be alive for it. Died not knowing what was gonna happen or that his last wishes wasn’t gonna be kept. Even dead Johnny ain’t never got what he wanted.
I reckon it’s a little comforting knowing he ain’t have to go it alone. I mean I ain’t never been religious, but I remember your mama and daddy was. Can’t say for sure if Dallas made it to heaven. I can’t picture him with a halo. But if there is a Heaven, I know Johnny’s there and you are too kid.
Bet your folks were glad to see y’all. Well maybe not. Can’t imagine them wanting you to die so young.
I think that helps Darry keep going though. You know? Knowing you ain’t all on your lonesome. He misses you something awful too kid. I’ll catch him sometimes making you a plate for dinner or looking at the clock like he’s waiting for you to come through the door with some sorry excuse about losing track of time. But you never do.
Two-Bit blames himself. Said he knew you was sick before the rumble. Don’t matter how many times Darry tells him, it wasn’t his doing. But then Two-Bit will blubber on how he was the one who left you and Johnny alone in the lot that night after knowing those socs might go gunning for ya.
Darry don’t blame him none. Soda neither. I think he blames Darry just a little, for running you off, but he won’t say it. Soda’s many things but we both know mean ain’t never been one of them. You and I both know that.
We’re trying, all of us. But it’s hard. I took Evie bowling the other night and kept staring at the pinball machine half expecting you and Johnny to be there egging each other on, but you weren’t.
I never thought I would miss you kid, but I do and it ain’t because of Soda neither. Well maybe partly but not only cause of Soda. You were a smartass and you never could keep your head on straight, but I miss how easy you were to rile up and hanging out with ya. You were a good man in a rumble, and I reckon not so bad to be around.
They talk about you at school. Some of the socs don’t say such nice things but they ain’t all so bad, I reckon. One of them was mouthing off about you being trash and better off dead in the changing rooms during gym class and before I could even so much as go over to deck him, another of them socs had him against the locker. Think his name was Randy something or other. He looked real pissed about what the bastard was saying. Said he better shut up about things he don’t know nothing about.
Most of the teachers don’t care but some of them do. Your track coach was real busted up about it. Came to your funeral and handed your brothers a letterman sweater. Said you were one of the fastest damn kids he ever coached.
The English teacher even came up to me and Two-Bit one day and asked about your brothers. You know the balding one with the thick glasses that always wears them tweed sweaters. Mr. Symes or whatever. Said you were a joy to have in class. Can you believe it? A greaser a joy to have in class. I’ve seen everything now.
We did get Soda back to working eventually but his heart ain’t in it, it really ain’t. I think he’s tired of people telling him how sorry they are. First y’all’s folks and then you. All in one year too. He don’t like their pity.
I try to get him out of the house whenever I can. Rodeos and football games. Never take him to the movies. Partly because you and I both know he ain’t sitting still for no movie and partly because that was your thing and I can’t do that to Soda. Make him think about you more than he already is.
Two-Bit’s been trying to work his magic on Darry, get him to loosen up. But he’s a tough nut to crack. Tim Shepard did get him to go out for drinks once. That was a bit of a shocker. But not really. Tim’s got a little brother too. So, if anyone gets it, he does.
He had this funny story about you and old Curly. Playing chicken with two burnt ends of a cigarette? Are you nuts? If Tim hadn’t busted your heads together I would have. I’d give anything to have the chance to do just that.
And I mean it kid. The three of ya’ll, you and Johnny even old Dally. Ya’ll were like family to me. Much better than my old man, even if I was half scared of Dally and you were an annoying little shit. Don’t be telling old Dally I was scared of him, if he somehow made his way to Heaven. He’d never let me hear the end of it.
Well kid. I’ve got to be going. I promised Soda I’d take him to the rodeo down in Broken Arrow and you know I’m all for anything that can get him excited again. Don’t worry about your brothers kid. Me and Two-Bit will look out for them. Lord knows your family’s been looking after us long enough. Bout time we returned the favor.
Tell your folks I said hi. I always liked them. Always liked you too kid. Sorry if I never told you.