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The news of something so integral to life could never have felt so out of the ordinary. Half of life’s experience, perhaps its only unavoidable payment, was death, the return to oblivion that was all there was to it. Death, considering its length and stillness, was the absolute truth, and to live was to wake up from it for a flicker that was called a lifetime—utterly nothing when faced with the eternity that was death.
And yet, death had that awful habit of creeping in. And mankind had that blinding assumption that there would always be another tomorrow. And the brain itself was so intoxicated with life, perhaps to deal with the great scheme of all things, that it often treated death as an offense rather than the truth. No matter how many times they repeated it, no matter how many more graveyards replaced once-lively neighborhoods, the heart was still unable to accept it.
That there would be no tomorrow one day. No time to ask for forgiveness. No chance at expressing gratitude. No power to set things right once and for all. No sight that could prevent what was to come.
That what was left unsaid was going to remain unsaid. That no amount of bargaining, refusal, and tears was going to take back what had faded away too long ago.
And death, the ultimate truth of life, had this awful habit of revealing things that should have been revealed a long time ago. Was it all feelings kept at bay, finally shattering like glass, hurting each time one dared to touch them? Emotions could not be gathered in the palms and get crushed to form a new shape, after all; they would cut through and seep through with blood and tears.
One couldn’t trick oneself into hating when what was there all along was regret. No matter how much the tongue lied, the trembling lips couldn’t hold still. The throat would damn the very same person who refused to talk for years. When there was an opportunity. When there was time to sit with those feelings and decide whether to call it hatred or passion.
Diluc had always been passionate about Kaeya.
About his success, about the way he handled life, about the way he seemed to get in and out of everything. His intelligence was a marvel to him to that very day, leaving him surprised each time he came up with the next clever idea. He had this thing of pushing people to the brink when he saw potential in them, willing to play the bad guy if it meant they would shine at the very end. And he’d also be there to catch them should they fall before the light grew strong enough.
He thought he was being pushy to Mika, and every poor soul he got his reach on somehow. Especially to Diluc himself. Kaeya had never stopped suggesting him to do things differently. Diluc, so sure about his own path and taking on life, had always interpreted it as Kaeya being unreasonable or sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.
And his own stance hadn’t changed.
It was just that he had realized what it truly was too late. What he took into heart as hidden rivalry or some twisted nonsense his brain worded as was far from what he thought it to be. He never believed Kaeya was secretly evil or that he plotted his estranged brother’s downfall. Diluc knew for a fact that among all the people in Mondstadt, Kaeya was perhaps the one who cared about his achievements the most. They bantered all the time, even the most civil of conversations turning to backhanded insults and callbacks to Crepus, but there was no ill intent there. Never had been.
But Diluc had never thought about their conversations long enough to see the greater picture. Life had that intoxicating side, unfortunately. It felt like eternity. It felt like death was some catastrophe lingering far away, something that had its time, and that its time wasn’t close. Once something lingered long enough, it lost its value in a very interesting way. Its weight was there, always has been. But it was so natural that it was ignored, lost between the everyday problems that felt closer than farewells.
For some reason, the next contract he was going to sign with a merchant from Inazuma felt more urgent and real than death. For some reason, although living with risk side by side, death never felt like it could reach anyone again. But it did. And all Diluc was left with was that final time he saw Kaeya.
It was a seasonal meeting with the Knights of Favonius and other organizations in Mondstadt, mostly held just for formalities. The organizations and businesses would report their changes and problems, if there were any, and the Knights would accommodate to increase security and renew contracts if they had to.
Diluc was busy back then. He had arrived there to let Kaeya know that he’d come back immediately once he was done bargaining with the merchant from Inazuma. Although it wasn’t the end of the world to not join the meeting, Grandmaster Varka was very clear that he wanted signs from everyone. Kaeya and a few other captains who happened to be free were holding the meeting since Jean and Varka were busy. Or something. Diluc couldn’t even remember the details properly anymore.
He remembered the setting sun. He remembered the sunset hitting the windows, golden rays melting on the surface. He remembered Kaeya standing before the Headquarters with the most normal and healthy smile on his face.
He didn’t look like he was going to pass away in that very same week.
Diluc had explained the situation to Kaeya, and he had nodded.
“I’ll come back once I am done.”
“No need. We’ll probably be done by then.”
“I’ll try to make it anyway.”
“You do you, Master Diluc.”
Of course, he couldn’t make it. By the time he had come back, people were leaving the Headquarters. He couldn’t find Kaeya. Eula had said that he had signed on Diluc’s behalf. No trouble with the Grandmaster, no need to come later.
Diluc had nodded back then, having taken a mental note to thank Kaeya later.
He never got to thank him.
Four days after the meeting, it was. Diluc was in his study, his cup of tea his only companion in yet another long night. He was signing papers, reading them as though nothing terrible had happened in Mondstadt City. For some reason, he was feeling a little energized that day. Everything was normal, just as they had always been. Another week was on the horizon, as it always has been.
Elzer had barged into his study. Before Diluc could ask Elzer why he looked like he had seen a ghost, he heard that Kaeya had been found dead in his home. Heart attack, he said. And some other details followed, details that Diluc was too deafened to hear and comprehend.
At first, he didn’t believe it. Not that it was impossible, it just… felt impossible. And feelings were often more true than the most concrete of truths.
Death was doing its disgusting thing of being so unbelievable. As if this were a matter to joke about, he genuinely expected someone else to come and say that it was just a joke. He waited for that longer than he’d want to admit. And to that day, he still waited for Kaeya to show up and say that he was just unto something.
Diluc swore, with all that was him and was going to be him, that he’d never get mad.
But it was true. It got more concrete as letters of condolences started pouring. It got more unavoidable as all eyes got teary. It got more real when even the most nonchalant Mondstadters started holding his hand, unable to keep their bodies from trembling, telling Diluc they were so sorry for his loss. Even when words didn’t speak it, sobs he heard from afar and so close told it again and again.
He still looked around to see someone giggling, about to tell that it was just a twisted joke.
He still waited for Kaeya to show up and say that it wasn’t true.
That revelation never came.
The first day was almost erased from his memory. Not that he was mentally there to actually grasp what was happening around him. His mind was replaying every conversation they had, every bickering, every gossip they called “intel exchange,” and every time they yelled at each other. Everything Diluc should and shouldn’t have done was suddenly getting revealed like his brain had gatekept them from him all along. Like he had attended an exam, failed, and was watching his paper get graded.
Kaeya would have graded it far higher than it deserved.
But against the judge that was his own heart, he had failed the second he had drawn his sword against him. The rest was just him messing up more. Wasting the very limited time he had on other contracts, other people, and other problems.
He never got to thank him for that signature.
He never got to thank him for covering up his Darknight Hero secret.
He never got to thank him for believing in him, even when Diluc thought all hope was lost.
He never got to thank him for being such a dedicated knight.
He never got to thank him for the brotherhood they shared.
Diluc had wasted his entire time mistaking passion for hatred. His desire to prove Kaeya wrong and hit him with a smug face akin to his, the secret joy he’d get whenever Kaeya caught him walking on the rooftops, and each time he ended the conversation because he didn’t have anything clever to tell Kaeya… they were all gravely mistaken as hatred.
He would have never been so worked up if he hadn’t cared that much. Passion brought the desire to prove and get better; hatred was just one of the many ways it could manifest, and it was so clear at that moment that whatever he had was not hatred.
He wouldn’t have burst into tears if it were hatred. He wouldn’t have stared at Elzer with nothing to say if it were anger. He wouldn’t have lost himself if it were dislike.
He wouldn’t curse himself for every time he deliberately stayed away from Kaeya, sometimes leaving the tavern to Charles just because he didn’t want to see Kaeya.
Oh, how much a fool he was.
Oh, how much of a fool he truly was!
Now, he was gone, and he was never going to see him again.
And he hadn’t even thanked him for the signature.
And he couldn’t even properly remember the times they spent together. They were either blinded by anger, disinterest, or his mind being elsewhere.
The voice he thought he didn’t want to hear, the face he thought he didn’t want to see, the presence he thought he didn’t want to feel was no longer there. He was never going to see him again. All the petty tricks he pulled not to see him one more day were laughable.
It was permanent now. No tricks needed. No excuses demanded.
Death had spoken its final decision, and what was left behind was an emptiness that was never going to fill. An office that was going to get assigned to someone else. A company that was going to be trusted to another. A country that was going to move on as if nothing had happened. And a brother who couldn’t even thank the other for a signature.
If he had known this was going to happen, would he have run to the Headquarters to join that useless meeting? If he had known this was going to happen, what would he have said? If he had known this was going to happen, would he have let that contract and that merchant even linger in his mind?
“I’ll come back once I am done.”
“No need. We’ll probably be done by then.”
“I’ll try to make it anyway.”
“You do you, Master Diluc.”
What would it have been like if he had managed to make it in time?
“See? Told you I’d make it.”
“I’m here. Let’s continue.”
“Sorry for the delay, I’m here now.”
“You have my attention.”
Or what if he never even left? What if he let the merchant walk away? If he was going to get mad at the Inazuman merchant for stealing the last time he had left with Kaeya, wouldn’t it be just pushing the blame to someone else? Because he was mad. No matter how unreasonable it was, he was mad.
“You know what? Nevermind. Let’s walk in together.”
“Now that I think about it, it is not that important.”
“She’ll have to wait. Let’s get this over with first.”
He had lost track of time. Nothing made sense ever since he heard the news. Things didn’t make sense so much that he still expected Kaeya to walk in like nothing ever happened, like it was just a twisted nightmare.
The tears would come on their own, whenever his mind wandered too deep and remembered Kaeya’s expression. Always that smile, always that confidence, always that stubborn look. His signature sentences, inside jokes at that point, were echoing in his brain like they were haunting him now.
Oh, how much he would have done just to hear him one more time. He would have sold everything he had, including himself, just to see Kaeya in his tavern one more time. It didn’t even have to be good. He could do everything he wanted, say whatever came to his mind, and he’d treat each second like it was Diluc’s last day on earth.
He still had a lot to show him… He still had a lot to achieve and show Kaeya. See his reaction, talk about it, perhaps bond over their new common troubles. He still had a lot he wanted to do, and he wanted Kaeya involved in every single one of them, one way or another.
He had lost his appetite altogether. He had lost everything, technically. Being alive felt like a crime, such a twisted feeling it was. Feeling like an imposter, utterly shameless and guilty for simply being alive. It felt disrespectful to even entertain the idea of eating, drinking, working, and living.
The void ached each time he looked at a glass of water. His arms didn’t move, his lips didn’t grasp, and his throat didn’t swallow. Every time he remembered Kaeya talking about setting better habits and getting a healthier lifestyle, his heart ached.
He had a long road ahead of him. He had a lot of knights to watch grow. He had Noelle to greet in their ranks. He had so many things to do for himself and Mondstadt. He was going to live a good life. No matter how arduous it was going to be, he was going to take care of everything. And he was going to be content. He was going to watch his hard labor turn into something fascinating. He was going to attend future weddings, graduation ceremonies, and birthday celebrations.
He had a brother who was eventually going to thank him for the signature.
And it was too late for everything.
He never had any of those; it was just that Diluc was under that assumption. Like it was a fact. Of course, Kaeya was going to be there for everything. He was the first name to come to mind whenever the Cavarly Company was mentioned. He was the first name to come to mind whenever drinking was the topic. He was the name to seek whenever something went wrong. He was the guy to find when things got out of control. Of course, Kaeya was going to be there for everything. If not him, who?
Truly, who? Who was left? What was left, to be exact? Was the emptiness just a metaphor, eating Diluc from the inside like a black hole, or was it very much tangible? Was the Cavalry Company ever going to be the same now that he was gone? Or was it going to linger as the broken shadow of what it used to be?
It felt so meaningless and tasteless that it was hard to believe something so hollow could be real.
Suddenly, everything in life was so solvable and simple. Suddenly, every problem he had was so little compared to the sudden loss. Suddenly, every memory mattered more. Suddenly, his voice was all he wanted to keep.
And what was he going to do when the signature words and that sweet tone of voice started to fade away? What then?
He felt so ashamed for suddenly caring about those things. Shameless, that was what he was. His own feelings, the way his heart shattered into a billion pieces… He knew how much it hurt, and yet, it felt as though he was faking his own feelings to himself.
He was so sure he had disliked Kaeya. He was sure that, although he always kept his eyes on him, he was never going to matter the same way he did before their bond went downhill.
But if that was the case, why did he start crying even when he thought of nothing? Sitting by the table, trying to read just to do something. Sitting by the window, looking out just to feel busy. Sitting by the city’s fountain, resting just to have a place to be.
He hadn’t been disrespectful to Kaeya; this was perhaps the only thing he could hold onto for comfort. His so-called dislike had always been under control after he had seen how dangerous it could get when it wasn’t tamed. He did help Kaeya whenever he came to him for assistance, which had to count for something.
But it didn’t. He was still blaming himself for all the things he didn’t do.
They had said Kaeya was found dead in his home. Someone had eventually gotten in after not hearing from him for hours. He wondered if Diluc would have been there a lot earlier if things were different. He wondered if he would be able to reach Kaeya faster and, perhaps, save him. Or alert someone before it was too late.
If things were different, would he still be there?
If things were different, would he be able to thank him for the signature?
If things were different, would he have another day with Kaeya?
Suddenly, all the nights he had avoided in the tavern weighed heavily on his shoulders. Suddenly, tears pushed outward whenever he remembered the absence. Suddenly, all the words he had chosen not to say were bullets shooting at him, and he was standing very still.
All the times Kaeya secretly supported him, vouched for him, chose his side, and faced obstacles together. They all made sense. They all showed up with all the details Diluc couldn’t literally see.
The banters were suddenly full of passion. The jokes were suddenly actually funny. The arguments were suddenly born of genuine care. The smell of wine and the long nights in Angel’s Share were suddenly lively. The sly smirk was suddenly the most innocent thing Diluc had ever seen.
If they were real all along, how could he be so blind? This was what he couldn’t wrap his head around. His own mind wasn’t lying to him; they were all real. They were all nostalgic. The signs he had missed in years were suddenly pulsating like a heart attack.
If honesty was all Diluc was, since this was what he had always claimed, why had he always been such a liar to himself for years? Why did he lie every single time? How could he be so blind to something so obvious? If he claimed to take pride in how straightforward and fearless he was, why was it so hard to let the man know that all his hard work was seen and acknowledged?
Did Kaeya even need that? Diluc couldn’t tell. It was too late anyway. It didn’t matter even if he was going to discover everything about Kaeya. It was too late. He could neither offer a shoulder for him to cry to nor a home he could always come back to.
But he listened anyway. Whenever he found someone willing to talk a little, he listened to everything he had missed out on Kaeya’s life. Everyone spoke so highly of him, just as he had expected. Especially Varka. No matter how hard it was for him, he told Diluc everything. Although they had no formal bond left, Varka let Diluc take Kaeya’s belongings.
He had even given Diluc something he would spend the rest of his life cherishing. Not too long ago, the Fontainians and the Mondstadters were holding meetings for future military collaborations. In one of those meetings, Kaeya was the lead speaker, and the Fontainians had recorded his speech. There was a copy in the Headquarters, too. It was supposed to stay with them, but Varka thought it was better off with Diluc.
It was the first time Diluc had hugged Varka after years of silence and distance.
Ever since that day, Diluc has been listening to the recording. Starting it again and again, having already produced fifty copies and placed them in the safest corners he could find. Kaeya’s very faint accent was somewhat hearable, only noticeable from Diluc since he had practically grown up with that talk.
He looked at drawings of Kaeya, all proudly made after each major achievement he got. He listened to the recording again and again. Some Fontainians had also brought pictures with Kaeya in them. Of course, he got copies of those photos the second he got his hands on them.
This was all he could do. He had lost the man himself. He had lost everything that wasn’t recorded. And he didn’t want to lose them as well.
They were all he could hold onto.
Looking at them, reading Kaeya’s writing, and listening to his voice felt like Kaeya was still out there. He knew this wasn’t a proper coping way. But this was the only way his sobs would stop, his voice sounding like a lullaby. Sometimes, he’d even respond to Kaeya’s recorded speech.
Only by listening to them did he feel that things were normal again.
Like the weeks could come again. Like the days could start again. Like the hours could pass again.
Like he was still there.
Like he could thank him for the signature one day.
Eighteen years later, the Knights of Favonius Headquarters were just as lively. They had many new faces. Mondstadt was more powerful than ever.
A few knights were chatting by the corner, keeping their voices low as rules demanded. They were deciding which captain to talk to first for the upcoming expedition. Grandmaster Jean, having taken Varka’s place after he stepped down since his prime years were way behind, had let them decide.
“I’d say this calls for Captain Diluc.”
“Are you sure? Didn’t he just come from Nod-Krai? I heard that the clash with the Abyssal forces was tough.”
They couldn’t help it. Whenever things got complicated, the first name that came to mind was Diluc. He had taken over the Cavalry Company shortly after his younger brother’s death. Whenever Kaeya’s name got mentioned a little too often, the older knights’ lips would tremble, eyes would look elsewhere.
Diluc himself was very distant and formal, except when it came to Kaeya. Whenever someone mentioned his younger brother’s name, his eyes would light up, instantly telling a story. To that day, he talked like Kaeya was still there. And he’d be so descriptive with his stories that it almost felt like it truly was the case. Many new knights knew Kaeya as if he were their own childhood friend.
Oftentimes, they’d hear the same recording play in Diluc’s office. The name by the door was also the same. It didn’t even feel like he was actively lamenting him anymore. It was like he had outright decided to take on from where he left off. Like he didn’t pass away, he had just passed down the torch, and it was Diluc’s time to play the reliable and intimidating captain.
In the middle of their whispers, they got caught by Diluc himself. From his reddish eyes, they could tell he had just been to Kaeya’s grave. Just as they expected, he looked exhausted. They eventually told him about the expedition to the wilder parts of Mondstadt.
“Absolutely, count me in.”
“Are you sure, Captain Diluc?”
“Yes. We’ll discuss the details shortly after. I have to sign some documents on Eula’s behalf,” he said as he walked away. “I’ll be right back.”
“It is not urgent.”
“Won’t do. You know I hate delaying.”
“Right, Captain Diluc. Thank you so much.”
Although no one knew why Diluc hated delaying and was into signing on others’ behalf, they could tell it definitely had something to do with Kaeya…