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I’ve never been one to like being alone, I can admit that I can be a little clingy and maybe need a little more attention than usual so this arrangement was perfect for me. Right? As close to perfect you can get. Squeezing between Himchan and Yongguk, having both of them holding me, it’s so warm I feel so safe and protected. That moment of intimacy I feel so much bliss, so whole like nothing could ever ruin the moment. But isn’t it all too good to be true? I wish I always thought like this maybe I would be always on guard but as Youngjae always says “Daehyun you fall harder and faster than the bass drop in a skrillex song.”
I was so lost in how perfect everything was I didn’t see where it is falling apart, I really didn’t notice until Youngjae brought it up.
“Hey how is it for you knowing that my brother and Yongguk go out on dates while you’re here studying with me, must suck a lot that you’re younger and don’t have as much flexible time to do that stuff.” Youngjae looked at me with pity when I’m sure he saw the light drain from my eyes, I didn’t know, Youngjae didn’t know that I had no idea they did this but it makes sense, if they were both free they should do that kind of stuff because they are dating each other while they are dating me. The thing that hurt me is why did they feel the need to lie to me about it.
When I got home that night and asked them what they had done that afternoon Yongguk shrugged “Just spent some time in the studio worked on a bit of stuff with Zico most of the night” I wanted to laugh but I forced a little smile while I waited for Himchan’s answer. “I just stayed here Daehyunnie it’s my day off and you know I like doing as little as possible.” I hummed in response and joined Himchan on the sofa it was then I noticed the make up on his face, the cologne coming off him and the product in his hair even though it had been made to look messy. I know Himchan we were in a relationship long before Yongguk was in the picture so I feel even more betrayed by him.
I can still remember how this three-person relationship started. “You’re attracted to him aren’t you?” Himchan whispered the question into my ear as he wrapped his arms around me and pressed his chest against my back, we were watching Yongguk up on stage, the light hitting him in all the right places making his now shirtless form look even more godlike as it glowed, the sweat rolling down his abdomen made me swallow hard as I nodded in response to my boyfriends question. Himchan knew I had a small crush on Yongguk ever since Himchan’s friend Zelo introduced him to us. “I wonder if we could set up a three way with him, would you like that my greedy little Hyunnie, would you like to have your Yongguk Hyung who you adore so much abuse your tight little ass while you choke on my dick?” What started out as a casual thing for all of us turned into Yongguk suddenly spending the whole night and having breakfast with us instead of leaving instantly and before we knew it his stuff was moved in with ours and we all just let it flow A year later we were confidently in a strong relationship all had our own places that fit together. I felt I got everything I had ever wanted.
“Let me say something to him or you do it Dae, I knew this was all going to go wrong!” Youngjae growled at my curled-up form taking refuge on his sofa, I know he was annoyed but pretty much saying I told you so wasn’t helping my mood. After seeing my two boyfriends together at the club Yongguk preforms at regularly I really felt my perfect world falling apart. I wanted to surprize Yongguk but they surprised me when a Himchan who was ‘supposedly’ at work was on his knees giving Guk a little bit of ‘pep’ before his performance.
But they are in a relationship right so why, why does it bother me so much? I try to think about this and multiple examples pop into my head as to why I have the right to be upset.
“Not now Hyunnie” Yongguk rubbed my head before pulling me to my feet and pecked my lips softly, “Don’t you think Himchan would feel left out if we did this without him?”
Don’t you think I feel left out Yongguk Hyung? The Hyung who I have looked up to and admired since I met him, the one who I thought would never ever look twice at me, I was right wasn’t I? It wasn’t me who you wanted to look twice at, it was who I was with? I just happened to come in the package.
“Daehyun ah it feels weird to do this without Yongguk now don’t you think?” Himchan sat up off the bed and kissed me deeply before pulling his shirt back on, I couldn’t help but pout I worked so hard to get off. “You would be upset if your hyungs did stuff without you.”
I didn’t feel weird to be intimate with you without Yongguk, but I accepted that you did. Why have I been so blind to it all, now I look back with clear eyes and a broken heart, I see the signs that would have warned me long ago. And you are right Himchan I am upset, it hurts a lot, why don’t you guys just tell me that you found happiness together in a place I no longer fit?
After three more months of them getting closer and me falling apart from being pushed away as my attempts to get closer to either of them were pushed away with lies and excuses Youngjae finally had enough of me crying in his apartment, he forced me to do something or he wasn’t going to let me wallow in his apartment anymore, he wasn’t going to cover my ass when I skipped classes and he was going to ignore me until I no longer allowed myself to be used. He told me that they don’t love me that I was just there now because they were used to me being there and that Himchan was probably just so used to me being at his side that he didn’t want me to not be there anymore, even if it was bad for me.
“WE have room for all of us, we are good as three, If you need space just sleep in the guest room don’t leave, you always say how we are perfect what’s changed?” Himchan held my arm trying to pull me back in the doorway. I had just told him I was moving out because I no longer felt like I belonged here anymore and needed space it wasn’t a lie, I had no courage to say that I knew what they were doing, Youngjae was annoyed I won’t bring it up but this was progress. I had to distract Youngjae from losing it as this all happened so he and his boyfriend Jongup carried all my stuff to our cars, Jongup was driving my car back to their place since Youngjae said it wasn’t safe for me to and well he was right, I told them to wait for me in the cars.
Yongguk simply stood in shock in the middle of the room not sure what to do or say, I could see confusion and guilt in his eyes and maybe a bit of sadness but I could just be tricking myself into thinking I could see it. “Say something Yongguk, are you just going to let him walk out like this?” Himchan hissed snapping Yongguk out of his stunned state, he didn’t know what to say he made noises but not words his stuttering was too bad eventually he stopped gave himself a little while to think a small frown formed onto his face before he spoke. “Have you met someone else, Is that why you haven’t been here?” Yongguk accused and I couldn’t fight the urge to laugh was he really doing this, my reaction made Himchan look at me with great shock written all over his face causing me to laugh even harder, wouldn’t that just make them feel better if that were true.
“You have been cheating on us?” Himchan went with it, his voice was laced with disgust and his hand let go of my arm finally, I could still feel the imprint of his fingers wrapped against my skin it was definitely going to leave a mark. I refused to say anything about it, if they wanted to think that of me, I don’t care it just makes it all easier if they hate me then they won’t try to contact me while I hide from them trying to put myself together.
“So you’re breaking up with us, It’s not just you wanting space?” Yongguk spoke with an empty voice his face was flat and hard to read but I can just imagine the triumph he must be feeling now he will have Himchan to himself.
“Yeah,” I choked out a laugh ignoring the feeling of tears rolling down my cheeks. “Isn’t three a crowd?”