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Evbo’s feet landed on the ground, his new Netherite boots clashing against the stone floor of the platform and deciding the winner of the race. Behind him, the Parkour Villain disappeared into thin air, having lost a challenge rigged in his favor.
For a moment, Evbo stood still. Waiting just in case someone or something was gonna jump out in front of him and try to kill him or challenge him to another race. However, it quickly becomes evident that… yeah, this is the end. Evbo won, and with new god powers too.
He collapsed.
His body was sore, so sore. Which was weird, since he was the Parkour god now. Did gods feel pain? He assumed they wouldn’t but judging at how he feels like he’ll die if he tries standing it seems otherwise- Wait, if he could feel pain, did that mean he could die? Could he test tha- y’know what, maybe not.
Ugh, this was so weird. Though he was excited to tell EMF about this later. Oh, and his Fighter Ally, too! While they weren’t exactly friends he guessed that the whole “breaking you out of your dying layer and making the Parkour Villain eat shit” would soften them up to him, right?
… who knows, maybe he could even figure out how to revive Seawatt and get him up to speed, too.
that’d be nice.
[CHECK: Jester.ENT NO LONGER DETECTED.]
Wait, what?
[DOWNLOADING TheActualAscencion.FILE.]
What the-
[SAVING CHANGES, ENTERING SELF SUFFICIENCY MODE, SOFT RESET INITIATING…]
…
…
…
…
…
…
[RELOADING SYSTEMS… CHECKING FOR ERRORS… RESTARTING…]
[RESTART COMPLETE.]
[EXITING SELF SUFFICIENCY MODE.]
Evbo woke up overwhelmed.
There are systems he’s never seen yet knows the exact function of, he feels connected to a bunch of programs but none of it feels weird or different , and everything is made up of 1’s, 0’s, pixels and polygons . He feels as every part comes together and creates a world.
His world. This code was the thing that made up Parkour civilization. And he… was the one running it.
The title of Parkour God had given him access to every single nook and cranny of this world. Every system, every model, every line of code was now under his control.
He was a God.
A God in the machine.
As soon as he figures that out, he immediately starts looking in.
The first thing he finds is the file for Parkour battles. The God opens it and is immediately baffled by the amount of code he finds in there. The code for the ruled was sinple enough(mostly a bunch of If/Then statements and a few algorithms to decide the difficulty of jumps), but just the amount of blocks and types of attacks were absurd. Bed jumps?? Lightning rod jumps??? FURNACE JUMPS???
Some of these blocks he didn’t even recognize- he had no idea what a Chorus Fruit or a video journal was, or why they were named in the script, but Parkour God forbid he was skipping over the chance to learn.
He starts eagerly reading every single script he can find, soaking up information like a sponge as-
Wait no- Evbo, focus. He could afford to learn about all that later. Chances were fixing the damage the Parkour Villain had done was probably a higher priority than learning every single thing there was about Parkour battles(unfortunately).
He started a system-wide check(which he knew how to do, somehow.)(ehh, not anything to worry about. Probably just in his programming.) to see if the Parkour Villain had fucked up anything major in his short time as champion.
[SCANNING SYSTEMS FOR ERRORS…]
[SCAN COMPLETE.]
[WARNING: THERE ARE NO ENTITIES WITHIN THE “ADMIN” CATEGORY. PLEASE CHOOSE AN ENTITY TO FILL ROLE.]
Huh. That’s interesting.
There’s a lotta things to say about the Parkour Villain, but at least he didn’t fuck up too many things.
He took note of the terms used.
“Entities” and “Admin”.
First are the Entities.
He pulls up the folder, looking over its contents.
Twenty four files.
That’s quite a bit to look over, huh? He just hoped it didn’t end up taking that long. He… doesn’t actually know what these mean. It’s one of the few systems he comes up fully blank on- as far as he can tell, there’s nothing in the code saying anything about interacting with Entities or fixing glitches with them.
He starts reading the files inside and…
Platt.ENT
JumperWho.ENT
Echo.ENT
EMF.ENT
CassieRose.ENT
Zacknavius.ENT
These are all… they’re all people. The Entity files were for all the current inhabitants of Parkour Civilization. This was everyone there- this was everyone who had… survived.
And suddenly, the number twenty four felt all too small.
The system pings him. Same thing as the warning, nobody in the “Admin” role. It was ignored.
A part of him starts panicking.
He looks over the file a few more times, hoping that maybe he read the number wrong or it was labelled incorrectly, but it stays the exact same.
Then he tried figuring out if he can revive people- surely their files must be archived somewhere? He scans the system at least five times. Looking for any kind of junk folder where the dead people’s files would be stored.
…
Yet he comes up blank every time.
Something twists inside of him, a feeling of guilt overtaking him before quickly being shoved away by either his own mind or his new code.
No time to grieve, just focus on fixing anything wrong.
Evbo rechecks the folder and, to his surprise finds… wait, twenty five files? Did.. did someone actually get revived? Somehow?
And then it occurred to him that oh, wait. The system causing brand new players to spawn is still active. Fuck.
He jumped over to that program and immediately started force shutting down everything, deciding that he can deal with the consequences later.
Besides, it's not like Parkour Civilization would be fit to house any new player any time soon.
Speaking of-
He goes back to the Entities folder.
Evbo knew for a fact that EMF and his Fighter Ally were both in the Fighter layer, but everyone else was probably still in those prisons the Parkour Villain built.
He looks at their locations and- yep, those were definitely the prisons. Most of the surviving people were Masters, but there were a few Pros in there too (including his neighbor! Nice!) and one or two Fighters. It was probably a bad idea to keep them there any longer, so he starts looking for where to put them.
Evbo looked over the world files, finding what he assumed was the main world file, the Fighter Layer(which had been delegated to a separate file), and a few other ones that he assumed were test worlds.
He initially prepared to move everyone in Parkour Civilization into the fighter layer straight up, but then realized exactly how that could backfire and decided to disable the code for Parkour Battles and set a spawn point in the temple as an extra precaution first.
After yet another ping(he’d deal with that later) he moves everyone from Parkour Civilization to the Fighter Layer and adds a few extra things, such as a few shulkers filled with food and other necessities and a small note explaining what was going on.
So that took care of everyone. Hopefully. Maybe that one girl who just spawned in would be a little confused but there wasn’t really anything he could do about it that wasn’t straight up going down there and explaining the last year or so’s history, so he decided to just be optimistic about people teaching her what was happening.
Anyways, since that was taken care of Evbo then fixed his attention to the world itself.
At first he tried pulling up a backup, but he quickly realized that the system(for some reason) had not been saving the world since around the time he became Champion. Then, when he pulled up the script that was supposed to be automatically saving everything- yeah, no. He was dealing with THAT later, thank you very much.
(He refused to dwell on the fact that implied he managed to fuck up the systems worse than the Parkour Villain himself. No siree.)
He ended up just deleting the prisons alongside any type of code that he suspected was made by the Parkour Villain or related to Parkour Racing, figuring he or the new Champion could just put everything back with s few jumps.
Now that fixed most of the stuff, what else was there to do?
Ping!
Oh, right.
He finally goes to check out what that “Admin” thing is, finding himself with what seemed to be… the ranks?
It was undeniable judging by both the way different Entities seemed to be categorized, what with the number of them and what “permissions” they granted, but they seemed to be labelled differently than normal.
Instead of Noob, Pro, Fighter, Master and Champion it was Leather, Iron, Chain, Gold and Admin. He supposed those were the original names, but due to either things changing throughout the years or simply never having known, the new names stuck.
Weird, but at least now he knows what the hell an “Admin” was supposed to be.
(he ponders about changing the names, but once again decides he probably has bigger priorities and adds it to his ever growing “to be fixed later” list.)
Back to the actual problem. From what he could guess, his grand ascent into a Parkour God had led to the Champion spot(which was apparently incredibly vital.) to be empty and the system to start complaining about it.
After some pondering and yet ANOTHER ping from the system(seriously, didn’t it understand he was fixing it?) he settled on just giving the spot to EMF. It wasn’t like he was gonna be using it and EMF was probably the person he trusted the absolute most right now(Sorry, Ally).
Good. So that should be all.
He does another system check for good measure but nothing jumps out at him (well, except for the badly broken save system, but he can put that off for a bit..)
Finally, he’s ready to come down to the Fighter layer and properly explain everything. He just needs to come down and-
Wait.
Something occurs to Evbo.
… He doesn’t have a body.
Alas, despite having been like this for at least around an hour or so, he was too preoccupied editing code to notice that oh shit. He was fully incorporeal.
After a bit of self deprecation about having missed such a glaring issue, Evbo started looking around in case there was anything he could do.
He didn’t want to make a new body out of scratch because Parkour God(aka Evbo himself) knows that would take forever, so he settles for searching the system for any bodies he can use.
The rest of the system comes up blank, so Evbo starts scanning his own code to- wait he can do that?
He can, apparently. That’s… interesting.
The feeling of looking into his own code is… odd, to say the least. He wouldn’t say it was uncomfortable, really, it was more like having someone’s hand trail over your skin, except that said hand was your own and along with the fact that you could see every single thing that made up, well, you. This code was the main reason he hadn’t immediately fucked up the systems after becoming a god and knew stuff like how to start system checks. Hell, he could actively feel some parts running as he looked.
The programming itself was shoddy, though. Multiple parts seemed shoehorned in and out of place. He assumed most of them were his code from back when he was mortal considering the fact that a good bit of them seem to be linked to stuff like emotions or other things like eating or drinking, which are pretty much obsolete now. His best guess on why it was so shoddy was that the old Parkour God didn’t quite have the time between deciding to give Evbo his powers and actually giving them to him to optimize the code well.
He cringed(in spirit) and added “optimize my code” to his now pretty long list of things to fix before going back to scan the lines in case of finding a suitable form, trying to ignore the spaghetti code.
(If he had a body, this would have definitely given him a headache, which kinda made him happy he was currently a disembodied computer program.)
After what felt like twenty minutes of searching(Parkour God, how much code did he have??) he finally comes across his body. Or, well, model. (It’s weird.)
After even more time(he really needed to streamline the process, this took way too long.) he managed to figure out how to actually put himself in the body.
Before he became corporeal again he decided to check the time, mostly to see how much had been spent scanning his systems. That took like, what, an hour? By itself? Not to mention everything else he did. Parkour God, he’s probably left everyone dazed, confused, and looking for answers. He wished they’d understand that he was kinda figuring out how to fix the entire world's code.
Wait… Should he tell them it’s code? Reasonably Evbo should be clear with them, but on the other hand he can’t imagine they’d take the fact they’re technically all just 1’s and 0’s very well, no matter how much Evbo tried explaining that it didn’t matter.
Well that was just another thing for “the list”, then.
(Evbo himself was still wondering how he took that so well. Maybe he was just programmed not to have any existential crisis about it, which raised the question of how he wasn’t freaking out about the fact that, potentially, everything about him was dictated by said programming.)
(Oh well. it didn't matter. Wondering about that kind of stuff was inefficient, anyways.)
Anyways, back on track. Evbo runs a command that tells him how long it’s been since the last reboot(aka him waking up), expecting something like two or three hours.
Three minutes.
It’d been three minutes.
Okay, so first of all what the fuck.
His programming didn’t stop him from freaking out about that as he proceeded to run the command twelve more times, but got the same answer. Three minutes.
Then he searched the system, first through the checks but after that gives nothing he pulls up all the scripts that have to do with time and the like and starts scanning them like a madman, finding a grand total of absolutely nothing wrong. Everything is operating perfectly.
What. The. Parkour. Hell.
Evbo, at this point, was absolutely losing his mind. Everything was working perfectly, yet the system was telling him it’d been three(now four, the system noted.) minutes since he’d woken up even though he knew he’d spent more than that, so why was the system noting it as only-
Wait.
Oh.
Oh.
Evbo groaned(in spirit).
It wasn’t that time was flowing wrong, just that Evbo’s sense of time was now absolutely fucked. His processing made things feel slower for him. He felt like he’d been spending hours fixing the code when in reality his mind was acting so fast that he didn’t register it’d only been a few minutes.
So much for being all knowing.
After that realization, Evbo (in spirit) slaps himself across the face and finally decides to go down to the Fighter layer to meet with everyone.
Going back into his body is… weird, to say the least. Technically he hasn’t been out of it for long- only a few minutes, but it still feels odd to go from being a completely noncorporeal mastercomputer to being a “physical” being.
The weight, the breathing, the hunger… it feels so weirdly foreign, like he isn’t meant to be here and is simply supposed to be some omnipresent network.(Which he guessed was his purpose now, huh.)
Nonetheless, Evbo powers through the sudden discomfort of being back in his body.
After recovering from the sudden change(and resisting the urge to immediately go back and remove the need to breathe, which he definitely will do later. Parkour God breathing was annoying.) he opens his eyes(cue another wave of discomfort and wanting to go out of his body.) and is met face to face with-
“… Evbo?”EMF spoke, causing Evbo to focus on the two people in front of him.
He rubs his eyes, taking note of the fact that they were inside the Fighter temple and EMF and his Fighter Ally were both standing in front of him, eyes (reasonably) wide with shock.
“Hey, so uh… Guess who’s the Parkour God now.” He says, awkwardly.
EMF starts speaking and- okay, he is not used to being able to think this much in between words.
He reached into his code and made a quick but efficient script that made it so that whenever someone spoke his processing would slow to only slightly faster than that of a normal person.
Wow. Much better.
“-Does that mean??” EMF’s eyes darted down to his boots, opening his mouth in shock at the sight of Netherite as the material.
“Pretty sick, right?” Evbo said, grinning “the old Parkour God decided to give me his place to help me defeat the Parkour Villain- who’s dead, by the way. No need to worry about him anymore.”
Both EMF and his Ally still looked shocked, but Evbo’s eyes simply darted down to admire EMF’s own new pair.
“… Besides,” he starts, “It’s not like I’m the only one with a new role…” He points down to EMF’s diamond boots before grinning “right, Champion?”
They opened their mouth, but Evbo quickly shushed them.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” the God reassured “I’ll help you get adjusted to everything.”
“Um… guys.”They both turned around, seeing the Ally awkwardly shuffling around. “Just a question but, um, can I leave?”
“Oh sure,” Evbo said “but just a heads up, I put pretty much everyone who the Parkour Villain didn’t kill right outside- also I disabled Parkour Battles in case anyone tried killing each other.”
They tilted their head, the slightest bit of worry present “wait, how? Aren’t Parkour Battles a universal law?”
For a moment, he considered telling them how the universe worked, but ultimately decided against it.
“Being a Parkour God comes with a lot of perks.” He smiled. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”
They paused for a few seconds, before seemingly letting it go and walking away.
“Anyways,” the God turned back around to face his Champion. “I should take my leave, being a god is busy work y’know?”
“already?“ EMF questioned “but you’ve barely been here-“
Evbo disappeared before they could say another word.
Okay, fine. Maybe that part was a bit rude. But to be fair he was getting really sick of breathing, alongside the already horrible feeling of being a sack of meat. (How did he deal with it for so long??? Parkour God, It’s insufferable. He needs to take out his organs.)
He puts the aforementioned organ discarding on his to do later list, and gets started on fixing the world backup system.
He doesn’t worry about how long it takes anymore. After all, he has time enough.