Chapter Text
All the pretty girls in the foreground of my mind
Satoru was talking to someone again, and Suguru told himself it didn’t matter who. Someone laughing too easily at something Satoru said, standing just a little too close like the distance between them had never been something worth thinking about. It should have been ordinary. It almost was. But as Suguru watched, the thought came uninvited anyway: some people fit into the world without resistance, like they had been made for it in the first place. And then there was him, standing just outside of that ease, wondering why he never seemed to belong anywhere that didn’t feel like effort.
Satoru threw an arm around the blushing girl, wiggling his eyebrows, and Suguru’s chest tightened. Satoru touched him all the time—but never like that. Like it mattered.
I thought I’d done enough
Suguru laid his head on the cool, cracked marble of the sink, unable to look in the mirror. The air was thick with the stench of iron and decay. Another village wiped out by a special grade.
He hadn’t made it in time.
But they keep moving the line
He couldn’t bring himself to stare at the curse clutched in his hand.
His phone buzzed, and he lifted his face. There was blood everywhere. Under his nails, in his hair, dripping from his hands, sticking the fabric of his uniform together. Worst of all, even the warmth of the blood was leaving, and he could feel the cold seeping into his bones. Bile rose in his throat, but before he could even vomit, his phone buzzed again.
The higher-ups need you again. Sowwwy! (ദ്ദി ๑>•̀๑)
Suguru stared at the text message until his vision blurred. Then he gazed at the curse clutched in his fist and brought it to his lips.
I thought I’d found the antidote this time
Suguru stared down at the bottle of pills in his hand, the label half-peeled away from being shoved too many times into pockets and drawers.
When did I start needing this? When was the last time I slept without them?
He brushed the thoughts away and took them, letting the unpleasant taste, the numbness swallow him.
The thoughts in his head quieted.
So did everything else.
And he liked it.
And all the nights I spent fighting bad thoughts in my room
Suguru rolled over and stared at the ceiling. His wrists stung where the cuts pulled whenever he moved, dried blood flaking onto the sheets beneath him. Sleep wouldn't come. It rarely did anymore.
The clock crawled past midnight.
Then one.
Then two.
Eventually, he gave up and climbed onto the windowsill.
The night air slipped through the crack in the glass, cool against his skin. Outside, the city glittered with a thousand scattered lights. People were still awake somewhere down there. Laughing. Talking. Living lives that had nothing to do with curses.
Suguru rested his forehead against the window.
Feeling so alone might as well be on the moon
The moon hung above the city, pale and distant.
From up there, everything must have looked small. The crowded streets. The glowing apartment windows. The people moving through their lives in tiny clusters, finding each other and drifting apart and finding each other again.
Suguru wondered what it would be like to belong to a world like that.
And as they always did at night, his thoughts drifted to his best friend.
Satoru was like the sun—he moved through life as though nothing could touch him for long. Missions, expectations, loneliness—he burned through all of it and emerged bright anyway.
The moon was different.
It spent its life circling something it could never reach.
Suguru watched it hanging there above the city and realized loneliness wasn’t always about being alone.
Sometimes it was standing close enough to see the light, yet never quite feeling its warmth.
I thought I’d found the antidote with you
Suguru let out a bright burst of laughter as Satoru tackled him and they rolled down the hill, the green grass tickling his skin. “Get off of me, you fatass!”
“Not until you agree to go get taiyaki with me!” His sunglasses came off, revealing brilliant blue eyes. “C’mon, Sugu-chan, just say yes!”
I thought I’d found the antidote with you
Suguru sat on the windowsill beside Satoru, their legs hanging into the open air.
Satoru had turned off his infinity, and when he turned to him, he was glowing silver in the moonlight.
It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, and when he reached out with his pinky, and Satoru took it, linking it with his own, Suguru’s breath hitched.
But my head is full of poison
Suguru leaned over the toilet, one hand braced against the cold porcelain, the other still loosely holding the curse he hadn’t finished exorcising. The world felt too loud and too far away at the same time.
His breathing didn’t settle.
It never really did anymore.
For a moment, he just stayed there—caught between exhaustion and something worse, something that didn’t have a name he liked.
And then the thought came, quiet and certain, like it had always been waiting for him to notice it.
Not what happened.
Not what he did.
Just what he was still carrying, no matter what he tried to bury it under.
And my heart is full of doubt
“Why are you here?” Suguru didn’t dare look down at Riko’s body, at the pool of blood nearing his shoes.
“Why?” Toji shouldered his gun, looking a bit confused for a moment, before he grinned. “Oh, that’s what you mean.” Toji’s smile sharpened until his eyes were slits. “Because I killed Gojo Satoru.”
His body reacted before his brain did. The world behind him split, all his special-grade curses bubbling out of the shadowy pit.
For a second, the sound didn’t make sense.
Then it did.
“Is that so?”
How else had he made it past him?
And the world didn’t so much break as tilt—like gravity had forgotten which way was down, and Suguru was no longer standing on anything at all. He was free-falling through space, watching the sun get further away. He couldn’t breathe.
“Die!” His curses lunged. He forced himself to take a breath.
Satoru.
Lovely, strong Satoru.
Satoru, who had no respect for anyone.
Satoru, with whom he’d discussed Riko, and they’d both agreed that they’d let her choose.
“It’s fine. It’ll all work out somehow. We’re the strongest.”
Gone.
Both of them.
I got toxins in my bloodstream
You tried hard to suck ‘em out
Suguru felt as though he was playing a video game as he walked up the steps to his dorm, staring at his hands. He could still smell the blood. Still feel the blood coating every inch of exposed skin.
He opened the door to his dorm.
Satoru tackled him. “Hey, Suguboo,” he cooed. “I bought you your favorite. Soba noodles!”
Suguru gazed up at him, warmth trying to tingle through him.
“...I noticed you lost some weight,” Satoru continued, a little quieter. “Are you alright?”
And it feels like medication and it’s good for me, I’m sure
Suguru forced a smile and wrapped his arms around him.
Satoru stiffened in shock before he crushed him to his chest.
“Just… Just eat a little bit, okay?” Satoru murmured, nibbling on his ear.
Suguru’s breath hitched, and he burrowed his face into Satoru’s shoulder, his throat bobbing. “...Okay,” he whispered back.
“Good boy,” Satoru crooned.
Suguru blinked back tears.
But it don’t matter how your love feels anymore
Suguru sat on his windowsill, gazing at the moon. The soba sat half-eaten on his desk.
It’ll never be the cure.