Work Text:
I had always thought yellow was a happy color.
Not anymore.
I’ve gotten rid of all the yellow things in my apartment. Pictures of bees, flowers, curtains, shirts, all of it. Every smiley face, every doodle of a sunshine. The only thing I’ve kept the same is my Minecraft skin, in case I find you again. I want you to be able to recognize me. Even though you probably would anyways. Even though the sunflowers on its shirt make me feel sick to my stomach, it’s worth it. For you. For the chance of there still being a “you”.
I’d like to think that if I ever saw your skin again, I wouldn’t fear it. Because it isn’t yellow, not really. That’s only how the game renders it. Because it can’t handle the glory of what it actually is. It’s gold. Bright, beautiful, shimmering gold. A special metal given to a select few. Just like your heart. The heart that drove you to sacrifice everything for someone you barely knew. Someone that, if everything had gone correctly, you’d never have met. For as much of a brains and logic person as you are, you still made an incredible sacrifice that day, and I think part of it was driven by emotion. With what logical thinking skills I have (granted, it’s not much, but I’ve gotten better), I can reason that you did it because you wanted to protect all of humanity. Nevertheless, part of me still believes you did it for me. That you wanted to protect me. It’s probably selfish of me to think that way, but just in case you did, I wanted to express my gratitude. So, thank you.
What humans fear the most, above all else, is the unknown. You have nearly infinite knowledge, yet even you were scared towards the end. You said that the king was something unknowable, because it is everything that exists. That makes sense, for what else could cause an all knowing being to fear when the unknown is the root of it all? You also said that I might forget everything as soon as I left. I haven’t lost it all, but I won’t lie, I’ve forgotten most of what we went through. The things I do remember are fragmented, I don’t think I’m remembering them correctly. That just makes it all that much worse.
I can’t remember anything you explained to me. I don’t know why any of this is happening. I don’t know what I’m running from, or what happened to you. All I know is that it has to do with the color yellow.
I’m scared, Derek. But not for myself. I’m scared because, while you have been cursed to know everything, I have been faced with the unknown in its entirety. I’ll never know if you’re okay. I’ll never know why you aren’t yourself anymore. I’ll never know why I can’t see you again. In simplest terms, I’m afraid for you. I miss you, and I’m afraid of what’s happened since I’ve been gone.
I used to think black and red were threatening colors.
Not anymore.
They’re my comfort colors now. I got myself a big maroon blanket to replace the green and yellow one I gave away. It’s weighted, warm, and soft. It comforts me a lot, although strangely, I don’t need it as much at night. The night wraps itself around me, comforting like that blanket. Comforting like I imagine your arms would be.
During the day is when I need the most help. Because I see everyone around me and think about how they all have their own lives and stories that I’ll never know and it’s a lot. But at night, it reminds me of the last time we saw each other. I was scared, yes, but you were there. I had someone else with me and that was all I needed. If only you would’ve let me be there with you.
I understand why you did it. Why you pushed me off. If only I hadn’t accidentally opened chat. Then maybe I would’ve actually moved instead of key-smashing wasd. I wanted to stay. I still want to stay.
It’s been a year, Derek.
I used to think gold was unreachable.
Now I know that it’s true.