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Sebastian hesitated a moment in front of the wooden door he knew so well. He’d pressed Kurt up against it during their first kiss. He’d never imagined there’d be a last. With a steadying breath he held the box balancing on his other arm little closer before softly knocking. There was a slight shuffle of noise behind the door, before it slowly opened, revealing a redeyed Kurt. His outfit looked flawless as always, but his hair was slightly messy and his eyes were glassy.
“Hey” Sebastian breathed. He’d braced himself for the pain it would cause to see him again, but it actually made him feel a little lighter to be in his presence. Even if it broke his heart to see how everything affected him as well. He just hoped he was doing better than Sebastian, everything else would make this unbearable.
“Hi” Kurt said, his voice soft and Sebastian was desprate to step forward and pull him into a hug.
He didn’t. He told himself he could be adult about this.
“I- um… You left this at my appartment” Sebastian said, holding out the box despite the feeling in his chest that told him to never let go of it. It was all he had left of Kurt. Well, all except the shirt he’d purposlly left at home because he needed something to hold his mind clear that still smelled like Kurt.
“Thanks” Kurt reached forward and for a moment their fingertips met and they both hesitated. Their eyes met, sharing the hurt both of them had been feeling the last two weeks. Sebastian held on a moment longer to both his gaze and the box, until he finally let go. Kurt stubled slightly under the weight of the box, making a slight smile appear on Sebastian’s face. Kurt had of course left a ton of clothes at his appartment, worried he wouldn’t have anything appropriate to wear whenever he had to get ready from there. Other than clothes it contained some skincare products, a few playbills from the shows they went to together, and most devastatingly of all, the key to his appartment.
Kurt put the box down and pushed another forward. “This is yours. They key to your appartment is in there too and the bracelet you gave me from Christmas” Kurt didn’t look at him when he spoke, too busy with studying his feet.
Sebastian felt as if he’d taken a puch to the chest. “You don’t want to keep the bracelet? It was a present” he asked, stunned. Kurt never took it off unless he was showering.
Kurt shook his head. “It hurts too much” he admitted, finally looking up at him.
Sebastian bit his lip. Then nodded once. He remembered the watch on his own wrist, the one Kurt gave him their anniversary. “Oh… Do you want this back? Sorry, I didn’t think-“ Sebastian started to take it off.
“No, no, keep it. I-, it looks nice on you. Can’t have you running late for work” Kurt smiled softly, knowing how Sebastian used the watch daily. It was the only reason he could get out of bed in time when he was busy cuddling Kurt. It reminded him he had places to be, and now, it reminded him it was no longer beside Kurt.
Sebastian stopped his movement, keeping the watch on at last. “Okay, I, um, thank you” he mumbled.
Kurt smiled akwardly, but somehow he still made it look beautiful. Everything looked beautiful on Kurt, even hearbreak.
“Are you um… Are you doing alright?” Kurt asked, leaning against the doorframe, arms wrapped around himself. His eyes wandered down Sebastian’s body with an worried expression. Sebastian knew how it looked, he was in sweatpants and a hoodie he should probably have washed a few days ago. His hair was a mess and his eyes were possibly even redder than Kurt’s, or maybe Kurt had just covered up the dark circles under his eyes and freshen up his face like he usually did before going out. Sebastian wasn’t sure if that was what he hoped for. He couldn’t handle Kurt feeling nearly as heartbroken as himself, but the thought of Kurt not caring… That hurt almost as much.
“Yeah, um. I’m doing fine, I guess. Break up’s are tough, you know?” Sebastian shrugged, not wanting to worry him. “And you?”
Kurt nodded. “Yeah, I get it. But it’s for the best.” It sounded more like a question than a statement. Sebastian couldn’t get himself to nod though he should have.
“I miss you though” Sebastian said, his voice cracking traitorously high pitched in a way he wasn’t used to. Was he really that broken?
“I miss you too, Bastian” Kurt said, stepping closer to reach out for him, but catching himself before the touch Sebastian was craving reached him.
Sebastian looked past Kurt into the apartment, when meeting his gaze hurt too much. He could see where the framed picture of them used to be on he wall. The shadow of it stil on the wall, as clinging on to it like the fading memory they were going to be. He swallowed. Seeing it gone made everything feel too real. He noticed the plant they'd bought together because Kurt insisted he would keep it alive. It had whiltered, close to dying without Sebastian there to secretly water it for him because he knew he’d forget.
“I should go,” Sebastian muttered as his eyes started to water. He’d told himself he wouldn’t cry. Not it front of Kurt, not in front of anyone.
“Yeah,” Kurt nodded, biting his lower lip. They both stood frozen in the doorway.
Sebastian kept trying to leave, but it was as his feet was glued to the floor, knowing that if he left now, he might never see Kurt again. The thought itself nealy broke him completly, so he hid it wish a laugh though his nose.
“You know what's stupid?”
Kurt frowned. “What?”
“I keep reaching for my phone every time something happens. I keep wanting to text to you to update you on every little small thing that happens.”
Kurt looked away, but Sebastian could see the way he kept blinking. It stung, so he stared down at his shoes instead. It didn’t help, Kurt bought those for him. Of course he did.
“I saw this terrible movie yesterday.” Kurt said.
Sebastian looked up and let out a small surprised huff of laughter. “Terrible how?”
“Like, offensively bad. You would have hated it”
“Probably” Sebastian agreed.
Kurt smiled ever so slightly despite the situation. “Halfway through I realized I was mentally composing a rant to send you about it.” The smile disappeared. “It’s kind of annoying. You keep… Forcing your way into my mind”
Sebastian smiled slightly at that. “How rude of me”
“I know” Kurt said, a little more accusingly. It almost felt like they were teasing each other if the heavy cloud between them wasn’t as thick to see through.
“I get it though… I have all these little things” Sebastian’s throat tightened. “Stuff nobody else cares about.” He laughed again, but it sounded wrong. “I don't know who I'm supposed to tell them to anymore.”
Kurt's eyes immediately filled with tears. Sebastian stopped breathing for a second. He shouldn’t have been so focused on keeping himself from crying. He should have made sure to keep Kurt from doing so.
“Sorry. Forget I said that.” he tried.
“Bastian,” Kurt said, but no more was coming.
“I just...” Sebastian shook his head. “I didn't realize how much of my life was you.” The words slipped out before he could stop them. The moment they did, his eyes burned. “I mean-” His voice broke again and he looked away instanly. Damn it, when did he turn so soft? Fucking Kurt Hummel.
“I was at the grocery store yesterday,” he continued quickly, trying to recover. Giving them something to laugh about so he could get himself to leave. “And I walked past those disgusting yogurt things you like-”
Kurt laughed through a tear. “They're not disgusting.”
“They absolutely are,” Sebastian pressed, making them both smile. “Anyway, I almost bought them. Because you like them, and I thought you’d apprichiate them being there next to you visited…” The lump in his throat became painful. “Then I remembered.” His eyes blurred. “And I just stood there like an idiot holding yogurt I couldn’t get myself to put down”
He blinked rapidly. Once. Twice. The tears came anyway. They came every time he opened the fridge and those yoghurts stared back at him because he had to buy them ‘just in case’.
“Sorry,” he whispered, feeling his composture slipping between his fingers. If there had ever even been a composture to begin with.
“Don't apologize.” He heard Kurt’s beautiful angelic voice break and he hated that he was the reason for it. Part of him was glad he couldn’t see him through his tears.
Sebastian let out a shaky breath as the first tear slid down his cheek. “I really thought I'd be better at this.” He laughed weakly and wiped at it immediately. But another followed. And another. He couldn’t keep up. “I hate that everything keeps reminding me of you.” he said more sharply, his voice cracking completly. “Because I don't want it to stop. I don’t ever want stuff to not remind me of you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, how am I supposed to accept that it is just over?”
Sebastian didn’t realize he was sobbing until he felt Kurt’s warm embrace around him. Without thinking he grabbed onto his shirt and held onto it as he sobbed into it. “I w-want to call you every single day. I- I pick up the phone.”
"Then why didn't you?" Kurt spoke softly, but his breath was shaky, which only made Sebastian’s sobs wilder.
“B-Because this is what you wanted. I w-want you to be happy, Kurt. Even… Even if it’s not with me. Damn, I’m a mess.” Sebastian took a deep breath trying to steady himself. “I thought I could do it, but I can't walk away from you and pretend I’m better off like this”
"Bastian... It’s okay to struggle. It’s been hard, I get it” Kurt said, his tears mixing in with Sebastian’s. “Why don’t you come inside, sit down for a moment?”
Sebastian shook his head. “No, I shouldn’t. I was supposed to be mature about this”
“The mature thing right now is to accept my help” Kurt said, dragging him inside the apartment. He let go of him for a moment to drag the boxes inside as well, before closing the door. Sebastian took the moment to try and brush the tears away from his face. He took in the apartment and realized it was a mess he’d never seen before. Dirty plates filled the kitchen, the rest of the appartment swimming in used tissues and half-filled coffe cups. The picture missing from the wall was moved to the floor, but it was still there, as if Kurt hadn’t been able to throw it away yet. The couch was covered in a sheet, along with the comforter and pillow meant for Sebastian when he slept here.
“You sleep on the couch?” Sebastian sniffled.
Kurt came to stand beside him. “I- um… yeah” He said, pulling Sebastian with him to sit down on top of the sheet. “I haven’t slept properly the last weeks. I moved here the first night without you. I kept reaching for you in bed and… I thought this would be better”
“Is it?”
“Not really” Kurt bit his lip.
Sebastian stared at the sheet covering the couch. “I don't think I've slept either.” he sniffled.
“I kinda figured when I saw those bags under your eyes” Kurt said.
Sebastian huffed out a laugh, wiping at his face again. “I can’t believe my face revealed me”
“I would have known anyways. I know you” Kurt smiled sadly.
Sebastian rolled his eyes, but there was no real force behind it. He was too tired. Too relieved to be sitting beside Kurt again. Sebastian became painfully aware of how close they were sitting. Their shoulders brushed every time one of them moved. Two week ago he wouldn't even have noticed it. Now it felt impossible to ignore.
“You look awful too, by the way,” Sebastian muttered.
“I’m aware” Kurt sighed.
“And you have yogurt on your shirt.” Sebastian said, looking at Kurt’s shirt, which he realised was slightly wrinkled now that he was up close. It was probably designer judging by the way Kurt looked down panicked immediately.
“What?”
A laugh escaped Sebastian before he could stop it.
Kurt stared at him and groaned. “You jerk.” He couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him and he pushed Sebastian carefully with his shoulder.
Sebastian’s smiled faltered. This felt almost too natural, like he could convince himself the last weeks had just been a nightmare.
“Hey.” Kurt said, but Sebastian looked away not to break the spell that he’d finally woken up.
“Hey,” Kurt repeated more softly. Warm fingers brushed against his wrist in the smallest and carefullest of touches. Sebastian nearly broke all over again as he looked down at Kurt’s hard that slowly wrapped around his.
“Sorry,” Kurt whispered, his thumb rubbed slowly across his skin. “I just want what’s best for you”
“Stop apologizing.” Sebastian said, wanting to pull his hand away, but his body gave in to Kurt’s soft touch.
Without thinking Sebastian reached up and brushed a tear from Kurt’s cheek with his thumb. “I hate to see you cry like this, especilly knowing it’s my fault”
Kurt shook his head slightly. “It isn’t anyone’s fault”
“I could say no to the job”
“I wouldn’t let you” Kurt said firmly.
“I know. But I could refuse listening to you. I’m considering to refuse listening to you” Sebastian bit his lower lip.
“You can’t, Bas, it’s everything you’ve worked for” Kurt said, tilting his head. They’ve been over this so many times. “I’m sorry I can’t do long distance again, I just can’t...” Kurt sobbed.
“But I can’t imagine my life without you. I tried for the last weeks and it’s impossible” Sebastian said, the tears running again.
Kurt's face crumpled completely. “You think I can? You think I've been able to imagine a single version of my life without you in it?”
“Then why are we doing this?” Sebastian whispered.
“Because I'm terrified.” Kurt admitted. “I know how this ends, Bas.”
“No, you don't.”
“Yes, I do. Life will get in the way. Calls will get missed and time zones get in the way and eventually one day we're just... strangers who used to know everything about each other.”
“Kurt-” Sebastian tried desperately.
“And I won’t be able to be there for you, and you’ll find someone else and I’ll be-“
“Kurt” Sebastian said more firmly. “I’m not him”
“I know you aren't him,” Kurt sobbed and Sebastian’s chest ached. “I know that. But every time I thought about you leaving, every time I imagine months without you, all I think about is how you’ll realize your life would be easier without me to tie you down”
“I could never,” Sebastian's thumb brushed under his eye to catch the tears spilling, cracking up the mask Kurt had protected himself under. He was beautiful but so devastated and exhausted. Sebastian hated it.
“You can’t promise that”
“I can promise not to go”
Kurt pulled away from him. “Bas I’m not doing this again, we had this talk a million times”
“No job is worth this much pain, Kurt. Never. You’re my whole life, you’re worth so much more!” Sebastian defended, as if they hadn’t already been over this.
Kurt shook his head hard, tears slipping free no matter how much he tried to hold them back. “Don’t,” he whispered. “Don’t make me the reason you give something up.”
“You’re not the reason. I’m the reason. I can’t live like this, Kurt” Sebastian said. “Don’t make me the guy crying over fucking yoghurt”
Kurt huffed a laugh at that, just like Sebastian hoped. He leaned into his touch again, letting his head call against Sebastian’s shoulder.
There was a long stretch of silence, the words hanging heavyly in the air. Kurt continued to stroke Sebastian’s hand. After a few minutes he leaned in, leaning his head against his shoulder. Sebastian leaned in too, kissing Kurt’s hair while breathing in deeply. He let his smell take over his senses. He bliked away the tears threatening to spill into Kurt’s messy hair.
“I don't think I'm ready to let go of you,” He heard himself admit quietly.
Kurt let out a shaky breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob. “Good.”
Sebastian blinked. “Good?”
Kurt laughed through his tears, both of them pulling back to look at each other.
“Yes, ‘cause I don't think I can do it either. I can’t let you be the guy crying over my disgusting yoghurt”
Before Sebastian’s brain caught up with what the words meant, Kurt leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his lips. It tasted like perfection, like softness and salt, like everything that had kept Sebastian awake at night, like a drug addict unable to function without Kurt.
“I love you,” Kurt sobbed into the kiss, crawling into Sebastian’s lap, holding him so close Sebastian doubted he’d be able to get loose from his grip for at least the rest of the night. “Please stay”
“I love you too. God, I love you so much. I’m never leaving you” He held him closer than he’d ever done before, kissed him deeper and with so much love, that even the thought of the future didn’t seem as scary anymore. As long as he had Kurt in his arms, nothing could shake his world completly. Kurt was his world and he would fight for the rest of his life to keep that world safe in the palm of his hands.