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I close my eyes and lean into the feeling. Your lips pressed tightly against mine. It’s not soft, but it is filled with love. Feelings seeping through the simple touch. The sound of breath coming shorter, desperately growing louder in sound. Was it me or you? Or have we already created a mirrored harmony?
The moment pass and I’m left empty. As long as my eyelids are closed I’m there. In the memory of what happened a second ago. But you make a troubled sigh. It forces my attention to you. Eyes open as a hand rise to feel your soft cheek under the pads of my fingers. You are shaking.
“I apologise.”
Your voice is dark, vibrating. It’s drawing me in. Your whole being is like gravity, a force pulling me towards you. So it is not much of a surprise when I laugh at your apology. You look offended but I can’t help it. That you are apologising makes it sound as if you do not know. That you are unaware of the feelings I’ve held back through all the years.
“Captain?”
You sound uncertain. It doesn’t become you. Instantly my laughter subside and I am left silent, watching you watch me. Your gaze search for answers. Why is my tongue tied at this moment? Words never troubled me before. Why now?
That is why I decide to slide my fingers along your jaw, remind you of their existence. They remain upon your skin for a reason and I hope you can read the meaning. But a being like you, used to having all the facts needed before making decisions, are stumped. Pride of causing that state flutter in my chest, blending with the rush underneath my skin. The feeling that had almost numbed me. But you bring me back to reality, bring me back into my body and to the moment. The moment in which you have just kissed me.
“You are a fool,” I speak without considering what you may make of the words. The quick furrowing of your eyebrows tells it all. So I lean forward, sliding my hand to your neck.
Then I kiss you. The answer you were searching for, hidden in silence. I can feel you move against me, trembling lightly as I move my body closer. Narrowing the space between us seems like the most important thing. The feeling of your fingertips against my chest strikes me as breath taking. Because suddenly it is not just our bodies that connect, but you put a new kind of trust at me.
Your lips strike me as warm, loving. I can feel your feelings again. They are honest like this. When lips move against each other with soft motions, feeling the coming and going of pressure and quick separations. Soon I go numb again. My mind become everything, melding with you. With the touch of you. How you make me forget my body and leave me breathless. It is seconds before I realise that you have taken a step back, green sweeping across your face in what I can only explain as a blush.
“Captain, I-“
“Jim.”
My name causes him to stop. In both the movement and speech. It is visible in your eyes, how you don’t know what to say. There are no regulations to guide you here. Nothing but a human side you are refusing.
In the end I close my eyes, raise my hand with fingers in pairs. Seconds pass as I try to find my breath, my voice and my thoughts. Even when I do I’m not sure I really have. Perhaps it is your breath, your voice and your thoughts? I sure hope so.
“T’hy’la,” I speak slowly.
Then I feel the heat from your hand, fingers pressing against fingers. I can hear your breath. I can feel it. You are close, almost leaning your forehead against mine. I don’t even need to open my eyes to know that you are frowning slightly, fighting to express the innermost feelings that are fighting back.
Then you speak.
“T’hy’la.”