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“Do you know the speed of the earth's rotation?" Harrison asks one morning.
“No, do you?” Cassie smiles into her mug. The coffee is still too hot to drink but she likes to take a few sips from a real ceramic mug before pouring it into a well isolated travel flask that goes to work with her each day.
“It depends… it’s about 1000 miles per hour at the equator, but it decreases with latitude!” He explains while looking at the physics textbook in front of him, “Soooo… the further you travel from the equator, the slower it is! It drops to 0 miles directly at the poles.”
“That’s interesting,” she gets up and ruffles his hair, “Ready to go, kid?”
***
She should've talked to him weeks ago but she’s been putting it off until now. Why? She isn’t sure, since it’s not like she’s afraid of him.
She finds him standing next to Dana in the ambulance bay and she can see the glowing cigarette passed between their hands. She knows she probably shouldn’t interrupt their weekly toxic-work-marriage-depressive-kinda-suicidal-cigarette break but they’ve seen her before she could turn back.
“Cass,” Dana smiles. There’s something so incredibly tragic about the way Dana says her name, “how can we help you?”
“I need to talk to Robby?”
“Fuck, of course you do,” he touches his head as if Cassie dropped even more weight onto his shoulders. That’s why she’s been avoiding talking to him, she realizes.
Sometimes when she looks at Robby she thinks that she sees her future self. They all do, in a way. Langdon told her once that he used to see Robby in his mirror reflection before he got sober. He’s like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come or, more accurately, the Ghost of Future Yet to Come.
“Look, I just need to know if there’s going to be an attending position opening at PTMC or not,” Cassie starts when he moves towards the door. He can’t escape her so he stops and looks at Dana, “I need to know how seriously I have to look for another job.”
“Cassie,” he starts. His eyes move to look at Cassie just for a second before they glaze at Dana yet again. Fine by Cassie, they can all have this life changing conversation while looking at Dana.
“I don’t want to go,” she says weakly.
“I can talk to Gloria but no promises,” he says, “There might be a teaching spot but I’ve already promised Mel that she’ll get my recommendation. Sorry… Fuck, I don’t know if we’ll find anything else but we’ll try”
Maybe it’s a good thing that they’re not looking at each other right now. She can’t see his big sad eyes desperately searching for Dana’s eyes and he can’t see the tears trying to escape Cassie’s eyes as she’s staring right into hers.
“Hey,” Dana breaks the silence. She slowly crouches to the ground and puts out her cigarette below the DON’T SMOKE sign, “I’ll ask around. Maybe there’s something at Presby?”
Dana walks between them towards the door and as she passes, Dana gently touches Cassie’s arm and a wave of peace washes over her.
Dana rushes them inside, “Come on you two, the shift isn’t over yet.”
***
Cassie had to borrow a blouse from her mother’s closet for this meeting. It’s cotton and stained yellow by the time of her passing. She probably used to wear it to work before she retired early to help with Harrison.
The decorative lace scratches Cassie’s neck but she ignores it. There’s an old band t-shirt waiting for her to change into as soon as she’s done with her meeting. God forbid someone from work sees her in this lacy, puffy grandma blouse.
Pittsburgh-Presbyterian Hospitals’s conference room looks over the rivers and from her chair, Cassie can see the water rapidly moving. She tries to fixate her gaze at the person currently speaking, afraid that looking out too often will make her look distracted and unprofessional.
“Doctor McKay,” says their Chief of Medicine, “we want to hire you. Whatever PTMC is offering you, we can beat that. We have more benefits, more funding, more accommodations. It’s probably the best offer you can get in this city”
“PTMC is home,” says Cassie after a moment. A weak counterpoint.
“I’m sure that eventually Presby will feel like home as well,” he smiles warmly and Cassie can’t remember the last time when Robby smiled at her that genuinely.
“I’ll think about it,” she takes another glimpse at the water as they shake hands.
She sits in her car thinking about it until her phone rings and she realizes that she’s late for work. Due to her skillful driving and a few slightly illegal maneuvers, she’s at work 4 minutes earlier than her GPS predicted. Still late but in the “traffic was a bitch” window. She grabs her bag and runs into PTMC. Her spare t-shirt stays in the car completely forgotten.
“Lookin’ good, McKay,” her favorite nurse smirks when she sees Cassie’s dramatic pink blouse.
“Wanted to dress up for you, m’lady” Cassie winks as she turns towards the lockers. She can hear Dana’s pearly laughter. It sounds like homecoming.
***
She mentions Presby’s offer to her attendings a few days later. Robby mumbles something under his nose and turns away while Abbot smiles and Al-Hashimi gently says, “This is a good offer McKay”.
And Cassie probably would've taken it right away if not for Abbot pulling her to the side a few hours later.
“McKay, there might be a job opening here. Preston from the switch shift is going to retire really soon. I just talked to him and he’s leaving as the boat season starts,” he gestures somewhere.
“Oh.”
“I know it’s not ideal with the weird hours and messy schedule and the mediocre pay but at least you’ll stay with us until something on day or night opens,” he reaches for her arm but doesn’t touch her. Cassie knows that he cares for his staff and he doesn’t like when someone from “the team” slips away.
“Thank you,” she tells him.
“Yeah, it was actually Robby’s idea. I just called the old guy because he hates Robby. Something about him stealing Chief position a while back,” Abbot chuckles as if it’s the funniest thing ever.
She can feel Dana’s watchful gaze drilling through her skull but she doesn’t turn towards Central. She just moves towards the parking lot.
When she gets home, she doesn’t think about it. It’s her week with Harrison so she makes their favorite dinner and pretends she doesn’t know what when Harrison asks “What’s the special occasion?” She lets Harrison pick a movie, and while Jurassic Park’s T-Rex terrorizes Laura Dern, she makes a mental list of pros and cons.
GO: Better pay, better location, better opportunities. New.
STAY: Dana, Friends, Regular patients. Normal.
In the following days she adds:
Her dad’s eye doctor works at PTMC, she likes the longer route to work, her stomach is almost used to the cafeteria food, she finally knows what to get Dana for Christmas and she knows how to bribe Princess to rig the Secret Santa lottery.
So many logical reasons to stay.
Cassie knows that she’s being silly. No matter how many things she likes about PTMC, Presby’s offer is just better.
The rational thing is to accept the better offer as soon as possible, before they change their minds about her but she just can’t. It’s like she’s anchored down. What a strange and unknown feeling.
When she was younger she loved adventures and discovering the unknown. It didn’t matter if it was sneaking into the abandoned house in her neighborhood or reading books from the “adult” section of the local library. She liked running until her legs were sore and coming home 15 minutes too late, just to see her parents' reaction.
As she got older, she changed schools often and each time she thrived during the first few months.she discovered that she was always popular when she was new, some kind of novelty; before the routine started to bore her and “new friends” became just “classmates”.
Soon she learned that somehow it was easier to follow a stranger across the globe than to speak with her worried parents. She collected dangerous experiences and memories of nameless people.
She’s 45 now, she’s completely covered in physical and emotional scars. She’s tired. She was looking for a place to stay her entire life and now she thinks she found it. She’s comfortable and she’s enjoying being understood. She doesn’t have to explain everything because people around her know about her almost everything she’s willing to share.
***
“So when are we throwing you a goodbye party?” Ellis smiles as she leans on the park bench.
They are catching their breaths between shifts. Abbot allowed them to step outside for fifteen minutes to relax in the pink sunset.
“I haven’t made my decision yet,” Cassie confesses while looking at her hangnail, fighting the urge to bite it off. “It’s a tough one, you know?”
“Yeah… A tough one: getting verbally abused by Robby or having a good salary”’ Langdon looks at her with pity or maybe, with understanding.
“I’m so used to change. I don’t want to meet new people and have new rules. I like it here, ” she confesses.
“Cassie, you’re our friend,” Ellis' voice is sure and calming, “and we’ll stay in your life. I promise.”
“What did Dana say?” Langdon leans closer and looks around as if Dana is about to jump out.
“I haven’t told her yet,” Cassie confesses.
Telling Dana would be final. Telling Dana would mean making a choice.
“She knows about both offers by the way. Robby told her last week,” Ellis waves over Shen, whose hands are full of Dunkin coffees, “You should talk to her. Soon.”
Just as Cassie opens her mouth to say something deep and profound, Shen spills one of the coffees. Langdon moves to pick it up while Ellis grabs some napkins and McKay takes some of the remaining drinks.
They always worked like a well oiled machine.
***
Cassie’s shoes make a loud squeak as she turns the staircase. She just finished a double shift and she needs a few minutes to decompress on the roof. A few tough cases and avoiding the charge nurse had created an interesting blend of anxiety and exhaustion.
“Cassie? Are you here?” she hears Dana’s warm voice.
“Yeah, over here,” Cassie says as she fights the urge to turn around. She looks into the night sky as she waits for Dana to approach her.
“Everything’s okay?”
“Yeah,” she replies. Maybe she’s too tired to form a sentence or maybe she’s afraid that when she does, they will have to talk about the future. It’s easier to nod and look away.
She can hear Dana opening the cigarette box but to Cassie’s surprise, she doesn’t light it.
Dana turns towards Cassie and points at her with the unlit cigarette, “Are we friends?”
There’s something juvenile about this. Maybe it’s the question or the expected reply or the fact that Cassie remembers that this is almost exactly what led her to taking her first sip of alcohol in junior high.
“Of course we are,” Cassie looks at Dana, hoping that this will add some seriousness to the conversation. That’s when she notices how wet Dana’s cheeks are.
“Then why did I find out about you potentially making the worst decision of your life from Robby?”
“I’m staying here, I think,” Cassie smiles.
“Are you insane?” Cassie jumps. She had heard the classic “Angry Dana” voice but it was never addressed to her. Dana usually used it to scold violent patients or disobedient doctors.
“What? You don’t want to work with me anymore?” Cassie smirks, trying to flirt her way out of this already uncomfortable situation.
“Is this some sort of martyr thing? Or a sobriety thing?” Dana says quickly and then continues, “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I just don’t understand why a promising doctor wouldn’t take a very good offer from a respectable hospital…and choose to stay in this dump instead,” Dana gestures around them to make a point. Now her voice is sad and shaky, not very Dana-like.
“I like it here,” Cassie admits softly.
“I like my local farmers market and yet I leave each time,” Dana points out as she sits down on the ground. Cassie knows how serious the conversation is because Dana doesn’t make any jokes about being too old to stand all day.
“You know that’s not what I mean”, Cassie follows Dana and sits next to her. They are so close now that she can feel the other woman's warmth already.
“What do you mean then?”
“I’m tired, Dana. More than a better half of my life was unpleasant and uncomfortable. I used to like that. I liked the excitement of the unknown roads and the uncertainty of my future. I was always drunk and high and sometimes also homeless so I really didn’t care who was around me. It didn't matter if I slept on a beach in Hawaii or under a bridge in Europe. I liked not knowing what the new day brings. But now?” Dana squeezes her hand and Cassie realizes that she isn’t sure when they started holding hands. Maybe it was the earth’s gravity pulling them closer and closer together.
“I’m 45 and I’ve been clean for more than a decade. Having a stable life and a decent routine is what keeps me going. I find comfort in eating the same breakfast everyday and driving for 50 minutes each morning. I like knowing the names of people I work with, I like knowing that I will see you every morning in Central.” Young Cassie would be ashamed of such vulnerability. Current Cassie is proud of it.
“Cassie, you can’t stay here forever. You’ll end up like me.”
“How’s that a bad thing?” Cassie shakes her head.
“I’m stuck here, I don’t know anything other than this damned hospital,” Dana admits, “After the punch, when I had to take some time off, I realized that I’ve been here my entire life.”
“That’s not true”
“Have I told you that my mother died in this hospital?” Dana asks but doesn’t wait for Cassie’s reply. She knows that she never mentioned it before, “My mother was a typist, back in the day they needed someone to type shit up for them, and she did that. One of the offices she worked at was basically made out of asbestos. I was 9 when she was diagnosed with lung cancer. 15 when she died.”
“Dana, I’m so sorry,” it’s Cassie’s turn to squeeze Dana’s hand.
“I’ve quit dancing and started volunteering at the Oncology floor. When I became a nurse, I was hired here. 30 years went by and I saw everything about this place change. New faces, new technology, new procedures. Jesus, they even managed to build an entire new building,” she chuckles, “All of my siblings moved out of the city, and yet, I haven’t moved more than a few hundred feet below, isn’t that funny?”
The light above them flickers and they both look up, trying to find the right words.
“I’m the only person in my family who’s like this,” Dana swallows and continues, “My grandparents were immigrants, came here right before the war. They lived in New York for a bit before they moved to Pittsburgh. They were teachers in Poland but here my grandmother was a housekeeper, while my grandfather had a new exciting job every other month.”
There’s a faint smile on Dana’s face, it’s comfortable and warm.
“Have I told you that growing up, before everything, I wanted to be a librarian?” Cassie confesses, “But honestly it was probably because I had a small crush on the librarian in my neighborhood.”
It’s a stupid confession but it makes Dana cackle so it’s absolutely worth it.
“If I go, we won’t have moments like this…” Cassie begins when Dana stops laughing.
“We will, we are friends.” Dana’s voice is sure and even.
“Do you promise that I will see you again? After I leave?”
“Yeah, I promise,” Dana smiles, “Who knows, maybe I will even ask you out.”
…Wait, what?
“Dana, are you joking?” Cassie asks.
She can hear her own heart beat now.
They’d been flirting for years now. It started during Cassie’s first shift at the ED when Dana said “McKay, you’re clearly my kind of girl” and clearly never stopped. But they were just two work friends with a flirty sense of humor, nothing more. Cassie never thought that there was anything serious (or gay) to it. Having a crush on the charge nurse was basically obligatory at the pitt anyways.
Then therewas a bet at work a few months ago, “Who’s dating who?” and someone put their names on the list. They got only three votes in before the bet was shut down by Robby and Laura from HR. That evening they stayed longer to laugh about it for hours and Cassie swears that she saw Dana’s eyes staring at her lips.
So maybe there was something more to their friendship? They did spend a lot of time together at work, she knows it. Sometimes Dana would get cold at work and steal Cassie’s jacket instead of grabbing her own from the lockers. She told Cassie that she liked the smell. Dana also demanded that, if possible, they would eat their lunches together. It made sense since Cassie would often (always) pack another lunch just for Dana who didn’t feel like cooking ever since her daughters moved out.
“Only one way to find out,” Dana kisses Cassie’s hand gently and says, “Now, help the old lady up, before we get sick from this cold ground.”
When they are both standing, they move towards the door. The birds are chirping now and the sky is pink. A new day begins.
“I can’t make this choice for you, Cassie, but I need you to know that I’ve been afraid of change my entire life. Being passive doesn’t mean that things don’t change, it just means that they change without your input,” Dana looks right into Cassie’s eyes, “Don’t give away your personal power just because you’re afraid of new scars, you’ll get some anyways.”
Maybe it’s about the motivational talk, maybe it’s about being known but Cassie can’t help herself. She kisses Dana before she can finish her sentence.It feels soft and romantic and absolutely normal. Like a missing puzzle piece of both of their lives is finally in the right place.
“You should become a life coach because my dreams just came true,” Cassie smiles when they separate.
“Oh shut up,” Dana laughs. Her hand is still in Cassie’s as they slowly walk towards the door.
Cassie looks around the roof before they leave, she wants to memorize everything about it because she has this funny feeling in her stomach that she probably was here for the last time.
It’s not an interesting looking place: gray ground, brick wall and two birds sitting on the black rail. They don’t move when the door squeaks or when Dana asks if she’s ready to go.
***
She had to buy new scrubs. They’re more expensive than her previous ones and she can’t wait for the first stain or tear. Maybe then she’ll feel less ridiculous wearing them.
Less like an imposter and more like an Attending Physician at Pittsburgh’s top hospital.
This morning Harrison recited some fun facts about penguins from his biology textbook while she drove him to school. She makes a mental note to tell Dana about the mating for life thing. It’ll make her laugh. The road to Presby is much quicker since Harrison’s school is on the way. She takes a sip of coffee from her travel flask, now decorated with a ridiculously huge “Support Women’s Sports” sticker and a tiny rainbow heart.
Her parking spot doesn’t have her name on it but it has the number 222 and Cassie can work with that.
Her phones rings just as she leaves her car, a text from Dana lights up her phone:
“Good luck 🍀🤞❤️”
Followed immediately by “Dinner, around 6?”
Cassie stops as she texts back:
“Sure, see you at home.”
The End