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James Buchanan Barnes is six. He has dark hair and light eyes and his front teeth are missing. He can count to one hundred by ones and tens and almost by fives. He can spell his whole name but hates being called ‘James’. When he grows up, he wants to have a snake. His best friend is Steven Grant Rogers, and he can spell that, too.
Steven Grant Rogers is five. He is small and blond and likes airplanes. He has asthma and forgets his inhaler more than he remembers it. He can say the alphabet backwards and knows eighteen states. He wants to be a motorcycle when he grows up. His best friend is Bucky Barnes, and there’s no one he’d rather be in trouble with.
“Buck, I gotta ask you a question.”
“Yeah? What?”
“Can we get married? I think we should.”
“Married like how Ma and Dad are?”
“Yeah.”
“Would I have to wear a dress, cause when they got married Ma wore a dress and Dad wore a suit.”
“Oh. I don’t know. Do you want to wear a dress?”
“No.”
“Well, I don’t care.”
“You’ll wear the dress?”
“If I have to.”
“What about kissing?”
“What about it?”
“Ma and Dad kissed.”
“How do you know? You weren’t there.”
“They got pictures. And I saw in a movie once, the man said, ‘you may now kiss the bride,’ and that’s part of getting married. You gotta kiss. On the mouth. Don’t you know anything?”
“Well, I’ll kiss you.”
“You will?”
“I really wanna marry you. If I gotta wear a dress and kiss you, I will.”
“Alright.”
It turns out that getting married is more difficult than Steve thought it would be. First, his mom explains that the Catholic church wouldn’t recognize their marriage, whatever that means. Then Bucky’s Ma says they can’t get married until they’re eighteen, which, by Steve’s estimate, is going to be about thirty years from now and he can’t wait that long. Then, Bucky’s neighbour Brock tells them that boys can’t get married to other boys cause it’s gross, and Steve gets in trouble because he’s not supposed to fight people even if they say bad things like that he and Bucky are going to Hell and so he’s not allowed outside to play with Bucky for the whole entire weekend. At school on Monday, they decide they’ll just have to do it themselves, so Steve asks Bruce what to do since he’s the smartest kid in their class, and Bruce says to ask Tony to ‘officiate’, whatever that means, because he knows the words. So at recess they find Tony and ask him to marry them and he laughs and says yes even though he’s in first grade and the first graders usually don’t want to play with the kindergarteners at recess.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Steve and Bucky in holy alimony. Steve, do you take Bucky to be your awfully wedded wife, to have and hold, in sickness and in wealth, from this day forward?”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you want to get married, and you say, ‘I do.’”
“I do.”
“Bucky, do you take Steve to be your awfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in wealth, from this day forward?”
“Why do I have to be the wife? I wanna be the husband.”
“It’s too late, he already said it.”
“But isn’t the wife the girl? Steve said he’d be the girl.”
“I did. I don’t mind being the wife.”
“But then I gotta say all that all over again and it’s so long. No. If you want me to marry you, we just gotta keep going. It’s too late for all that.”
“Buck, I’m sorry. Will you do it anyway?”
“Alright, alright. I do.”
“I now pronounce you man and life. Oh, wait. If anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your teeth.”
“What does that mean?”
“If anyone doesn’t want you to get married, they gotta say it now.”
“Well Brock doesn’t want us to get married, and Ma said we can’t til we’re eighteen, but they’re not here so does that count?”
“Ma said the Catholic church won’t recognize our marriage.”
“Objections must be registered during the alimony. Otherwise they’re dull and void. And I’m Jewish.”
“Then I think we’re ok.”
“Then I now pronounce you man and life. You may now kiss the bride. Mazel Tov!”
When Steve tells Ms. Munroe that he and Bucky are married and that means they should get to sit next to each other again, she smiles and tells them she’ll think about it and calls both their mothers that afternoon.
“Steve, honey, come here.”
“Yes, Ma?”
“Ms. Munroe called.”
“I didn’t fight anyone, I promise!”
“No, I know dear. Come sit with me.”
“Am I in trouble?”
“You remember when you asked about marrying Bucky?”
“You said the church wouldn’t recognize it.”
“In this country, men aren’t allowed to marry other men.”
“But we’re not men yet!”
“Well, you’re also not allowed to get married until you’re eighteen.”
“But that’s so long away!”
“Ms. Munroe said you told her you and Bucky are already married.”
“Tony Stark did it on the playground today.”
“Honey, that’s just pretend.”
“Nuhuh! We kissed and everything, and Tony said all objections had to be said then or they didn’t count. And he’s Jewish, not Catholic.”
“Honey, it’s just a game. You aren’t married to Bucky. You can’t be married to Bucky.”
“Yes I am!”
“Oh, honey. I’m sorry, I know this matters to you.”
“Cause we’re married.”
“Come here, honey. Listen. Maybe when you’re older, maybe things will be different, and you and Bucky can get married, if you still want to. But right now…”
“It’s not fair!”
Steve doesn’t often run away, and he almost never yells at his mother, and he doesn’t slam his door because it makes dust fall from the ceiling and bothers his asthma. But his mother is being unreasonable (Bucky taught him that word last week, because his little sister was always being unreasonable,) and he can’t take it anymore. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right and he and Bucky said the words and kissed and that had to count. They had to be married.
When Bucky knocks on Steve’s door, he doesn’t go away when Steve tells him to and instead just goes inside. Steve is sitting on the windowsill and he sighs when Bucky climbs onto his bed. Bucky tells him about how his Ma said they weren’t really married cause of the law and also they’re too young and Steve admits his Ma said the same thing and climbs onto the bed next to Bucky. They’re quiet for a long time, and then Steve tells him how his Ma said maybe one day and Bucky swears that as soon as they’re old enough. Bucky’s Ma offers to take them out to dinner even though Bucky knows she can’t afford it and they decide it isn’t her fault, or Steve’s Ma’s, so they say they’d rather just have sandwiches and watch TV and they get to eat on the living room floor instead of at table.