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“And that concludes our lesson today on Einstein’s theory of relativity!” I exclaim to the class of approximately thirty Eridian children.
“Tomorrow we’ll have a quiz to see how well you remember the examples we talked about. Make sure you study up tonight when you get home.” The class erupts into melodic grumblings and shrill chirps of disappointed students.
“I know, I know. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” I chuckle to myself.
It didn’t seem to matter whether my kids were human or Eridian, the hatred of homework and studying for exams was a universal experience. One by one they shuffle out of the makeshift classroom safely separating the Eridian atmosphere from the simulated Earth environment that scientists on Erid had lovingly created for me. Not only was it a sign of their gratitude for helping save their planet and species, but it had also opened up a entirely new department of scientists researching Earth’s biology, from the oxygen I needed to breathe, the soil and water we used to build the ground, and the gardens currently growing from the full seed banks that had been stored upon the Hail Mary. It seemed that Stratt had wanted to cover all her bases and ensure that life on earth would always be able to be replicated, even if the mission was to be a doomed ending with no way home.
I shiver, quickly trying to throw off the familiar prickly feeling on the back of my neck that always threatened to break me out into a cold sweat whenever memories of how I got into space attempt to come close to the surface. Even after our long journey back to Erid, I still didn’t have all the pieces or know exactly how I got onto the Hail Mary. I could tell it must’ve been bad by the way my body reacted so negatively but I simply had to make peace with the not-knowing part. That was hard for me, but it was what it was.
Never mind that, I shake my head to dispel the uncomfortable thoughts that kept knock-knock-knocking at the inside of my head and instead gather up my teaching materials and begin the short trek across the beach back to the house that Rocky built for me.
The sounds of the finally temperature perfect waves crash around me, as I trudge through the pebbly sand. The smell of the water was so close to what I remembered of the shores back on earth, slightly salty with a crisp cold smell. Obviously not a hundred percent perfect but then again, I was just glad that I wasn’t choking on ammonia gases, much less a perfectly controlled biodome built just for me.
“Hi Grace!”
I look up and grin at the sight of Rocky excitedly rocking back and forth near the front door. His newly built xenonite suit was much easier for Rocky to navigate walking around in, and it also allowed us to be much closer.
“Grace hurry hurry. Rocky spend long time waiting for education lesson to finish. Why Grace take so long, question?” Rocky whined, stomping one of his front legs on the ground for emphasis.
“Hey, it’s not my fault those kids have so many questions! You try telling them you have to move on from a topic they’re fixated on.” I roll my eyes affectionately. Rocky was very clingy when he wanted to be, which was all the time now.
“Silly Grace. Rocky have important news to share. Should tell children time to stop lesson at least one Earth hour ago. Say you need to spend time at home with mate. You say Rocky need to focus on ‘work-life balance’ and you do not respect balance either!” Rocky turned away with what I could only describe as a sarcastic huff.
“I’m so sorry I kept you waiting Rocky. How can I make it up to you?” I open the door and beckon him in with a wave of my hand. I was pretty sure I knew the answer, Rocky always wanted the same form of attention whenever I did something he didn’t like and needed to make it up to him. For a creature lacking any facial features whatsoever, his tells were remarkably easy to read.
“Rocky only forgive Grace for making him wait sooooooo long if Grace give kiss.” Yup, there it was. My mate (still not over that yet!) was obsessed with getting physical affection, and frequently demanded kisses for any and all reasons he came up with. Which yeah, I had no problem giving him.
“Of course Rock, my apologies again, I’ll do better next time.” I laughed and slid onto the floor to sit beside him and happily started kissing around the top of his head. It wasn’t the same as if there was no barrier at all, but Rocky had gotten the xenonite to be so flexible and smooth that it was the best it was going to get. I could feel the warmth from his body heat as I pressed my lips to the glass, as well as small vibrations from Rocky humming in delight. The way he’d described the sensation to me was that my body temperature register was obviously much lower than an Eridian’s, but since the outside of his suit was suited to the temperature in my atmosphere, it was like he could still feel the warmth and hot air from my breath. It was sort of like wearing a full-size body suit of a latex glove, except obviously much much stronger.
I kind of had a sobbing meltdown the first time we were actually able to hug each other, once we were on Erid and Rocky had access to more forms of xenonite. Being able to hold Rocky was like being given a Thanksgiving dinner after consuming nothing but Lunchables for years straight, overwhelming my senses in the best way. With so much time having passed for both Rocky and I without physical touch, we had to start slowly, the sensation feeling almost too much at first. But after a while we discovered that deep pressure helped the anxiety a lot. Obviously Rocky couldn’t lay down with his whole weight on me without crushing me, but he was able to hold most of it off of me comfortably for long periods of time, leaving me to feel like I had the world’s warmest and heaviest weighted blanket to ground me.
Rocky explained that this helped him too. Eridians watched each other sleep by resting on each other’s chests, this way they were covered and protected by their loved ones in case anything happened while they were sleeping. His sleep patterns were only now finally getting back to normal, since he hadn’t had anyone to watch him sleep in almost fifty years. When he woke up after being able to rest on me for the first time I thought my heart would burst from the emotional whale song noises he made. This was the first time in decades that Rocky actually felt well rested, and not just getting through the day half exhausted and stressed from social isolation.
I truly couldn’t believe how lucky I was. After I frantically flew the Hail Mary back to Rocky’s ship upon discovering that the taumoeba would’ve started eating through the xenonite that his ship was built from, I was beyond relieved that Rocky was alive and well. Thank God, I still had enough fuel to fly us to Erid, and after ensuring that Rocky and the taumoeba had been thoroughly disinfected before coming back onto Mary, he and I settled in for the rest of the long journey back to his home planet. Naturally, with nothing left to do but wait until we reached our destination, it left us with a lot of time to connect with each other. After accomplishing our mission, the only research we had to do was the daily maintenance check to ensure that the taumoeba couldn’t escape and that rarely took much time at all.
-
“Look Rocky! I found more of Ilyukhina’s vodka stash! She must’ve hidden them all around the ship so that they wouldn’t be found. Lucky for me.” I cheered, brandishing an IV bag filled to the brim with a clear liquid conveniently labeled ‘Ilyukhina’s Party Juice: Do Not Touch’.
“What ♫♪♬ question?”
“Oh, vodka is a form of alcohol. A kind of drink that’s made from fermenting either grains like wheat or rye or plants like potatoes or corn. It makes you feel like your inhibitions are lowered, kind of makes your head feel light or affects your body functions if you drink too much. Humans often drink it for celebratory use or to affect your mood.”
Rocky mimicked shaking his head. “Grace already stumble around, drop tools, act clumsy clumsy. Why Grace want to consume liquid that makes coordination more bad, question?”
“Listen buddy, it’s hard to explain, but hey, why don’t you use this as a way to document human behavior on a substance? Y’know, for science.” I said, already ripping into the bag and sucking on the tube poking out. Wincing at the familiar sharp taste, I continued. “I wish I could share with you, but you probably wouldn’t like it either.”
“Rocky will watch for science. And personal entertainment, interested to see how Grace act more stupid than usual.” Rocky stated, smugly.
Whatever. I was going to enjoy this drink. And I did, even getting Rocky to join in again for karaoke in the Don’t Go Crazy Room. He was particularly a fan of me showing him how to dance the Wobble, much to my chagrin. As the night started winding down, I ended up cradling his ball in-between my legs, leaning my torso against it with my arms outstretched in a hug.
“Vodka make Grace very affectionate, statement.” Rocky cooed. I blushed, glad yet again that he wasn’t able to see the blood flushing into my cheeks and hoping that he would chalk up the heightened beating of my heart to the half-drunk bag of Russian alcohol.
“It’s easy to be affectionate with you Rocky.” I closed my eyes, mumbling against the smooth xenonite glass, not for the first time wishing that we didn’t have to have this permanent barrier between us. I may have been asleep for the first four years of the Hail Mary’s mission to Tau Ceti but my body fully remembered how long it had been since I’d had physical contact with another human being.
‘Touch-starved.’ I thought to myself. My arms seemed leaden with an ache to hold someone else, to have someone else hold me. And being around Rocky helped so much, but I still couldn’t experience that with him. A tear slipped out of my eye, landing on the ball separating us. I had no right to feel this way though, I shook my head. Just being able to be with Rocky was enough, he had risked his life for me. Had broken out of this very ball and dragged me down the hallway fading in and out of consciousness to the med bay shrieking and wailing in pain the entire time. Even still, he wouldn’t leave me until I was safely under Armando’s care and wouldn’t fall asleep until he knew that I was out of danger. By the time I got to him, he was almost lifeless, barely able to wheeze out his request for me to watch him sleep, probably for the last time.
I still had nightmares about that night and the days that followed, where I waited and waited, not knowing if I’d ever get to thank him for what he’d done for me. For what nobody else had ever done for me. The day I woke up to him awake and cognizant was the best day of my life. No, it was incredibly selfish of me to house a semi-hatred towards the smooth panels of glass that had to surround Rocky at all times. They kept him safe, they kept him alive, and that’s all that truly mattered, not my silly human limitations. This was enough. It had to be enough.
“Very easy to be affectionate with you as well Grace.” Rocky hummed. I chuckled self-deprecatingly.
“Are you sure about that Rocky? I’m pretty clumsy and stupid, don’t you remember?”
“Grace choose to be more clumsy by ingesting clear fermented liquid. Silly human behavior Rocky does not understand, but Rocky still love Grace anyways, even when Grace make decisions that do not make sense. Because… Grace important to Rocky.” Wait, what? My eyes blinked open, alcohol still slightly clouding my vision, and I stared at Rocky nervously shifting his front legs back and forth.
“You – you love me?” I breathed out in disbelief. There must be some mistake. Nobody had ever said that they loved me and actually meant it. It was a throwaway word for the rare moments in my childhood that my parents hadn’t been too busy fighting each other, yelling at me, and trying to pretend to be proud of me in front of their friends and colleagues. From what I could remember of my ex, we never really got to that level of comfortability with each other either before she finally had enough of me and moved on to Mark. My head was too in the clouds, and when I lost my job after defending my thesis, that was the final straw. I couldn’t even blame her, I had to move into a tiny shoe-box apartment, and even though I adored my kids at Grover Cleveland Middle School there was much to be said about the difference in salary. I wouldn’t pick me either.
“That is what Rocky said, statement.” He now stood more resolutely, pressing his body as close to mine as he could get through the glass, resting his claw against the xenonite as if to caress my face. “Grace is best friend. Grace risk self and seeing Earth again just to save Rocky and Erid, planet he has never seen. Rocky think that Rocky never see another being again after crew die and after ship break down when taumeoba escape containers. Grace save Rocky TWICE. What other emotion could Rocky feel, other than love, question?”
I shivered, Rocky sounded so sure of himself. I wanted to believe him so badly, I’d never wanted anyone’s love this strongly, not since I was a little kid begging his mommy and daddy to play with him. They never did, they were always busy with too many important adult things to do. And after hearing them snap back at me just for asking if we could put together a puzzle, or for them to read me a bedtime story, I eventually stopped asking. I might have been small, but I could put two and two together. I learned how to be by myself, and books and science became my friends and a way to escape the loud voices that felt like they could blow the roof off the house. Could someone actually want me for me? My neediness and clinginess too?
“I-I don’t know Rock. I’m not sure I know what real love looks like. I know that I want it, so, so badly. But I don’t think I’ve ever had it before, not really. I don’t know if I’ll be able to be the person you want me to be.”
“Rocky does not want Grace to be anything but what he already is. Why would Grace need to change? Grace does not need to do things or change who he is to deserve love. Grace is kindest, best human I have ever met.”
I half-heartedly chuckled. “Rocky, I’m the only human you’ve ever met.”
“Yes, Rocky knows, is good joke.” He chirped once in satisfaction, before growing serious again. “Rocky cannot imagine life without Grace. Spent years waiting, with only the need to save Erid keeping Rocky going. Did not have any enjoyment left in life, had nothing else to live for. Then Grace come along and change everything. Grace’s life is reason Rocky have hope and desire to start living again.”
He paused for a moment before continuing. “On Erid we have stories we learn as pebbles. That somewhere out there, everyone has special person that is just theirs. That when you meet them, it feels like everything settles into place. That is how Rocky feels for Grace.
My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest. “A soulmate?” I uttered weakly. “That’s what we call it on Earth.”
Rocky hummed in satisfaction, his front claws clicking happily. “Beautiful. Good correct term to describe Grace. Grace is Rocky soulmate. Is other half of Rocky heart.”
Oh my gosh. Rocky did love me. Rocky was in love with me.
“But! I’m not an Eridian!” Ok that was lame, but sue me, my brain is clearly not firing on all cylinders right now.
Rocky didn’t even have a face but I could feel him staring blankly at me.
“Does not matter. Grace is who Rocky love most. Does not matter what he looks like, even if he is a leaky space blob, because he is my leaky space blob.”
Well that pretty much settles it then.
“I love you too Rocky.” I breathed out, my chest unclenching. How long had I been holding my breath? My lungs felt light, like I was finally filling them to capacity for the first time in years, maybe ever. I placed my hands on his ball, willing him to feel just how huge this was for me. He bridged the space between with his, only a thin panel of xenonite separating us.
“You’re my soulmate too. I can’t imagine anyone else meaning more to me than you do, even Earth. I might miss it, but I would miss you more.”
The sounds emitting from Rocky right now are the happiest I’ve ever heard from him.
“Rocky Grace soulmates! Grace shares Rocky heart!”
Holy fudge, this was actually happening. Suddenly a sobering thought popped into my head. Rocky might not care about me being a human, but what about Erid? Hopefully saving the planet would earn me some brownie points, but I already knew I’d require a lot of help and resources once we arrived, and now adding an interspecies relationship on top of that? I deliberately blocked out exactly what Earth would do if Rocky showed up on my home planet. No point in imagining that horror. But what would Erid think?
“Rocky, gosh, I’m so happy right now. You share my heart too. But I was just wondering, how is Erid going to feel about this? I mean, about me being human.”
Rocky stood up proudly. “Erid will not care. Will be happy for Savior Grace, Grace saved Earth, saved Rocky, saved Erid!”
“I’m so happy to hear that, but are you sure? I mean, interspecies relationships have to be like, taboo, right? You guys have issues with eating in front of each other, surely this takes the cake.”
“Do not understand, ‘takes the cake’, there is no human sweet confection here.” He stated stubbornly. “But no, Erid will not care, statement. Trust Rocky, Grace will be cared for. Eridians are social in nature, is uncommon for one to be alone without a mate. Rocky never find special person, wanted to very badly. Eridian friends say ‘try to look, you may find if you try harder’ so Rocky try. Never find, so Rocky wait. Choose to stay alone, would rather be unmated than mate someone who is not meant for Rocky. Now Rocky understand, soulmate was not on Erid. Rocky not alone anymore. Rocky has Grace, and does not have to wait any longer. Erid will be happy for Rocky because Rocky finally have someone, have mate!”
That was all the reassurance I needed.
“I trust you Rocky. And I’m honored to be your mate.”
-
A tear slips down my face as I remember the moment. Rocky turns to face me, and ever so gently wipes it away.
“Grace leaking again, question? My little human is so emotional.” He teases me fondly. I sniff loudly and try to disguise it as a cough.
“I’m fine! I swear, I’m just really happy. I love you so much.” I say as I kiss him once again for good measure. Snuggling into Rocky’s side I remark, “So what were you so excited to tell me?”
Rocky trills with excitement, “Eridian scientists have discovered way to slow Grace aging process down! Find way for Grace to live long time like Eridian, like mate Rocky.”
“SWEET NIBLETS!” I leap to my feet, heart pounding. “Are you serious?”
“Rocky very serious, would not joke about good important news!”
I drag my hand through my hair, making it stick up even more than usual. “So how are they gonna go about it? I mean, I know I’m kind of a guinea pig for this situation but I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”
“Scientists say gene therapy most likely way to ensure longevity. If Grace genetics can withstand Eridian DNA being implemented into human DNA then stands to reason lifespan can be extended! Most likely will still need biome for long term mental happiness since Grace find peace in Earth simulated environment but can modify it as time goes by and Grace gets used to Eridian atmosphere.”
“Gene therapy huh?” I wrinkle my nose in thought, “Yeah that makes sense. It’s not like there’s just a pill I can take to fix this. Still, pretty experimental huh. Do you know how they plan to do that?”
“Will have to take some of Grace DNA for testing, cells and blood. Introduce Eridian DNA to cells, see how they react and change. Once deemed safe, will put new DNA into Grace. Will have to monitor for safety.” Rocky starts fidgeting with his claws uncertainly. “Most likely will need to make Grace sleep to reduce stress.”
“Make me sleep, do you mean like I need to rest more? I mean, that makes sense, my body will probably be all kinds of fired up.”
“Not same, no.” Rocky shakes his carapace from side to side, a motion that he had picked up from me after so many years together. “Will need to give Grace medicine to sleep. Even though scientists take all precautions, Grace body will fight strong against new DNA. Being asleep will ensure body stay relaxed and safe. Give body time to heal and to change.”
“Medicine to sleep…” I mutter slowly, the hair on the back of my neck starting to prickle up again. Something I can’t quite put my finger on starts knocking on the dormant part of my brain. Something bad. Something wrong.
“Not sure what human word is. Sometimes body do on it’s own when very sick, or medical team make happen to heal quicker.” Rocky trills sadly, “Can be scary for Eridians, but will always have friends or family there to keep watch until we wake up. Usually Eridian closest to you like mate or parental figure. But is best chance for Grace survival. Will do anything for Grace.”
“A coma.” My throat feels like it’s starting to close. “We call it a coma.” The prickly feeling is in full force now, buzzing under my skin like a thousand bees. I’m panicking, but WHY. I know I was in a coma for the beginning of my space voyage, but I’ve come to terms with that. It was necessary for the trip and probably saved me from going insane for the first four years. Why was the mere mention of the word freaking me out so much?
“Co-ma.” Rocky clacks his claws thoughtfully. “Rocky want Grace to know that Rocky will be there whole time. Grace brave, Grace is strong, can handle it! Grace is hero, is honor for Erid to be able to help him.” He reached over to rub a claw against me, trying to soothe me. “Grace okay, question? Heartrate accelerating.”
Hero.
“You will be remembered as a hero.” A soft, but steadily resolute voice fills my brain. Stratt. Hazy half memories click into place faster than magnets. Suddenly I’m no longer on Erid, I can no longer feel Rocky’s arms around me. I’m in an office on Earth, staring straight across from the leader of the Petrova Task Force.
Bits and pieces of the conversation flood back as my tear-filled gaze meets stormy gray eyes that hold a small amount of sympathy and a large amount of decisive intensity.
“Don’t pretend to care about your students, it’s so insulting. If you really cared about the children, you’d get on that ship.”
“You’re a coward and you’re full of shit.”
“You abandoned a promising scientific career because people didn’t like a paper you wrote. You retreated to the safety of children who worship you for being the cool teacher. You don’t have a romantic partner in your life because that would mean you might suffer heartbreak. You avoid risk like the plague.”
“The French assure me that the drug doesn’t erase trained skills, language, or anything like that. By the time your amnesia wears off, you guys might have already sent the beetles back. And if not, my guess is you’ll be too far invested in the project to give up.”
“Please stop!” I’m standing now. No, I’m scrambling at the cabinets, trying to climb them as if it will make any difference. Like an animal that knows it’s being caged and knows it has no way out but instinct refuses to make you back down.
“You’re murdering me! I don’t want to die! Don’t send me off to die! Please!”
Now I’m running. I can hear the yelling and panting of the guards as they chase me. I can see the barbed wire fence in front of me. If I can just make it past the gate, then I have a chance, I think. Out into the wild like the animal that I am, with the wind whipping back against my face as I inhale and exhale in short painful gasps.
A body slams into me, then another, and I tumble to the ground. My face is smashed against the dirt, glasses digging into my nose. I try to twist my body around to no avail, there are so many hands grasping at me, touching me, pinning me to the ground like I’m a butterfly in one of those shadow boxes. That will be me, I imagine, as I wail with despair. My body perfectly preserved in time, asleep. No, not asleep. Dead. Because those butterflies are rare and desirable even in death, and so too shall I be, whether the mission is successful or not.
A scientist in a white lab coat dives in, fist raised with a syringe. I can see the needle glinting in the sunlight.
“Don’t do it! Please! Please don’t do it, I can’t!” I shriek out, my hands grasping at the dry blades of grass in a last-ditch attempt to tether myself to the earth. A sharp sting pierces my neck, and I feel whatever is inside pushed into my veins. It’s cold, and I feel my limbs start to chill and loosen their grip. Darkness swirls in my vision and I collapse, ears ringing with my own screams.
“Grace!”
“Grace what wrong, question?! Grace wake up! Wake up now!”
“Grace!”
Slowly my vision clears, staticky at first, then clearer as my brain comes back online. I’m back on Erid. Rocky is clearly panicking and tapping my face as hard as he can without hurting me.
Rocky.
Immediately my stomach lurches. Rocky, my best friend in the universe, doesn’t know that his mate is a fraud. A coward.
“A coward, and full of shit.” Stratt’s voice echoes through my head, flooding my veins with an icy chill. I never volunteered for the mission. I never even wanted to try. The survival of the planet depended on me, billions of lives, an infinite amount of flora and fauna, all potentially doomed because of me. Would have been doomed, if Stratt hadn’t drugged me and thrown me on the ship herself. Oh God.
And now I’ve doomed Rocky.
I stumble to my feet, tripping over him as he follows me, squawking in Eridian faster than my tiny, useless human brain can keep up with right now. I can’t let him touch me, I don’t deserve it. I’ve doomed him to a life where his soulmate is a liar and a useless waste of carbon. I feel like the biggest failure and also as small and miniscule as a speck of dust.
Coward.
Coward.
Coward.
I do the only thing I can think of at this moment, I need to get away from Rocky before I poison him further. He already almost died saving me once, I won’t risk him sacrificing more of his life for me. And so I run, again. I throw open the door that Rocky so lovingly crafted for me, in a house built for my comfort, and I race across the stony pebbled beach. The foggy air pushes back onto my face like it did that last day on Earth, oxygen stinging my lungs. Oxygen that had been specially designed for me in this biodome so that I wouldn’t die.
“An honor to build space for the Saviors of Erid.” The Eridians had stated earnestly. If only they knew what I really was. Ahead of me are the stone structures meant to mimic cliffs and caves. I dive into the first cave I see, darkness engulfing me as I frantically press my body against the cold, slick walls. I feel like an animal again, but this time like a feral fox fleeing into its den. My heart is thumping in my chest, and I can feel the salty trails of tears making their way down my face.
“Grace please, what wrong!” Crap, Rocky found me. Of course he did, it’s not like there’s many places I can actually go. His voice sounds like he’s in anguish, and it breaks my heart to hear him this way.
“P-please go away Rocky.” My voice cracks, vomit rising in my throat at the thought of sending him away, but I need to keep him away from me.
“Rocky sorry, sorry, sorry! Sorry Grace! Not know what Rocky did, please tell Rocky! Rocky try to fix!” My eyes have adjusted to the lack of light in the cave, I can see him at the entrance and a sob erupts from my throat at the sight. Rocky is sprawled on the ground, as low as he can possibly go, all the while keening a wail that echoes off the walls. He’s making himself as small as possible and it makes me feel even worse. I’ve made him feel like he’s a threat, that I’m scared of him. I dig my fingernails into my arm, the pain grounding me in a sick, familiar, way.
“Rocky I’m so sorry. I-It’s not your fault. I’m the problem! I’m a coward! I ruin everything I touch!”
“Grace lie! Not true! Rocky must have done something! Rocky sorry about talk about co-ma, scared Grace. Rocky never want to hurt Grace, would never hurt him, never murder him!” Oh no. Dear God, please no. I must have been reciting my memories during my flashback, and of course, Rocky would have thought I was talking to him. Rocky continues, clawing at the ground as he warbles a mournful cry.
“Made Grace feel unsafe! Bad mate! Bad Rocky! Disgust, disgust, disgust! Make Grace feel like he has no choice in staying with Rocky, and Grace feel trapped! Apology, apology, apology! Rocky sorry, never kill Grace, only love Grace!”
My stomach clenches and I finally lose control of it. Vomit spews from my mouth, and all I can think of is how I’m only adding to Rocky’s pain and discomfort by being so disgusting right now. I have to stop this, I have to reassure Rocky that it isn’t his fault. As much as I dread this conversation, the thought of Rocky thinking this is his fault is infinitely worse. I shakily wipe my mouth and crawl to the front of the cave. My legs aren’t working right now and I can’t stop trembling.
I stop just short of him, and fall onto my side, tears falling off the tip of my nose and plinking onto the gravel.
“R-Rocky, st-stop. It’s not you.” I take as deep of a breath as I can to steady me. “I remember now. I remember all of it.” I stare at his prone body and whimper. “I remember how I got into the coma. I wasn’t originally supposed to be on the crew. Th-there was a measuring mistake with the astrophage and there was an explosion. The science team was killed and there were only a couple days left until the launch. There was nobody else qualified enough to go, and they picked me. And” my throat tightens, “I didn’t want to go. I was so scared Rocky. So scared! I made excuses, tried saying stupid things like my students needing me to stay on Earth for them, as if I would actually be able to do anything. Stratt called me a coward, and she was right! I was the only science officer left who was mission ready. She even tried to get me to see that I was only thinking about myself, but I wasn’t even ashamed to admit that I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it.”
I reach out to Rocky now but don’t touch him. He’s unresponsive now, no doubt listening in horror at how repulsive his mate is. I soldier on, miserably. “I ran away, just like I did now because I’m a coward. I couldn’t face my fate then and I can’t even face you now. The mission was always a one-way trip, and I was so terrified of dying that I was willing to risk the whole world just to avoid it. So, they chased me and took me down. Stuck needles in me with medicine that would put me in a coma until we reached Tau Ceti as well as wipe my memory so that I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize the mission.”
“I was reliving those memories Rocky when you heard me. I would never ever say those things about you, you saved my life and I love you so much it scares me to admit to myself. I’ve never felt trapped with you, but I feel like I’ve trapped you. Y-you deserve a mate who’s actually brave. You made the choice to join your crew and save Erid, while I was afraid of taking the freaking elevator at the base, much less go to space.” I close my swollen eyes, the tears having mostly stopped now. I’ve wept so much that I have no more moisture left in me and a dry cough wretches itself out of me.
“I hate myself for scaring you like that. You’ve only ever made me feel safe and like I actually made a difference in the world. Without you, I would never have been able to find the predator species on Tau Ceti, or survived the attempt to collect it so that we could discover how to save our stars. I love you. But I understand if you no longer want to be my mate. I really do, as much as it kills me to say. We don’t need to pursue the gene therapy, I can just stay here and live out the rest of my days as I should have. The-the kids should probably get reassigned back to just their regular classes too. I don’t want to hurt them either.” With that, I curl up into a ball. Whatever will come will come, the ball is in Rocky’s court. I just lay there, soaking up what was probably the last moments I had with the other half of my heart.
For a moment there’s just silence. I can still hear the waves outside, muffled by the cave walls. They crash in time with the beat of my heart, steadily moving with a steady push and pull just like the organ in my chest. After another beat, I hear a scrape against the sand and then feel a hesitant tap, tap, tap, against my hand. That was Rocky and I’s special greeting for each other. I force my eyes open and look. Rocky had bridged the gap between us and was now brushing his claw over the scar on my arm from where his grip had burnt me while he dragged me to the med bay on the ship.
“Rocky hate Earth.”
Wait, what? I shuffle into a half sitting position so that I can see him more clearly. Rocky keeps one hand firmly on me but punches the ground with two of his other arms, sending the rocks scattering in all directions.
“Earth throw away mate like refuse, like garbage. Force into mission against will, touch Grace against will, take away memories and take away life. Rocky cannot fathom such evil, every Eridian on Blip-A voluntarily offer to go on mission, Erid never ever force one who did not want to go.” I’ve never heard such venom in his voice before. He’s angry, but not at me? This is not how this was supposed to go.
“No Rocky, you don’t understand, I was the only option! It doesn’t matter, I’m the bad guy here!” I tried to start, but Rocky was having none of it.
“Matters!” He screeches. “Grace life matters, Grace choice matters! Evil Earth, evil Stratt! Rocky wishes Stratt were here so he could show her how Eridians handle predator who hurts innocents.”
Ok now he was starting to scare me, just a little. “Rocky, Earth isn’t evil. Stratt isn’t evil either. I hate what she did to me, but only a few people knew about this plan, there are billions and billions of humans that were at stake, who had no idea even how serious the dimming of the sun really was.”
Rocky hums, trembling with the force of it. “Even if Earth not know, Earth still not care. Grace has told Rocky about how many Earth people believe stars dimming is fake and a lie. Earth stupid, not understand how precious Grace is.” He leans his body against me, energy clearly spent. “Earth tell Grace he is worthless, that he is expendable and miniscule. Even worse, Grace believes this too. Hurts Rocky to hear someone say that Rocky mate is bad and coward. Hurts even more when that someone is Grace. Rocky loves Grace so much, Grace is treasure. Grace is savior and kind and risk self many times to help another.”
A different kind of shame bubbles up in me now. I had never considered the fact that hating myself would hurt Rocky too. It made sense, I would be devastated if Rocky was saying those things about himself. I whimper softly, the thought of Rocky calling himself a coward and unworthy of love was a heartbreaking visual. I need to fix this.
“Come here?” I tentatively pat my chest. Both Rocky and I needed to ground each other in this moment, and I couldn’t imagine spending another second without feeling him. Rocky perks up slightly and proceeds to settle himself on my torso. I breathe a long sigh out at the feeling of him now lying on top of me. With familiar deep pressure to stabilize me, I was finally feeling the shakiness from my anxiety attack fade away.
I wrap my arms firmly around Rocky and press a kiss onto the arm closest to my face. He lets out a small chirp, still tinged with sadness but mostly with a hopeful lilt to it. “I’m sorry I scared you buddy. I love you so much, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. As awful as the circumstances were to get me here, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would.”
I feel his fingers start to comb through my hair as I close my eyes to enjoy the sensation. “Rocky waited for forty-six years before Grace come along. Nobody to watch Rocky sleep, nobody to talk to, nobody to thrum with. Still, Rocky would wait every day of those forty-six years all over again if it meant getting to be with Grace again. Cannot change the past, cannot change what happened. But, can choose to heal together. Can choose to live, despite feeling like your old self has died. Rocky and Grace are not the same as they used to be, but that does not mean they are bad, just different.”
One last tear escaped my eyes, and I sniffle. “You’re so smart Rocky.”
“Rocky knows this. Not new information.”
“Hey!” I’m not upset, if Rocky was able to joke around, that meant we were ok. I feel a hundred pounds lighter, even with Rocky lying on my chest. “Ok fine, we both already knew this. But yeah, I don’t know, it’ll probably take awhile for me to get there but I want to try.”
He caresses my face, and I can feel him getting serious again. “Rocky will wait as long as Grace needs. Tell Grace as many times as necessary until he believes it.”
I smile, feeling myself starting to doze off. “I’ll be sure to tell you too sweetheart. You deserve all the good words too.” I yawn, feeling my jaw pop from hard extraordinarily tired I suddenly was. “Watch me sleep?”
“Rocky can think of no higher honor. Rest now beloved.”
I curl up into him as close as I can and feel myself drifting off to sleep, with the sounds of crashing waves and the low rumble of Rocky’s voice keeping watch over me.
I have never felt so safe, and so loved. Time to learn to love myself too.