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The atelier was quiet. It had taken months before he could remember how to make food for just the two of them. Even now Qifrey expected to find the girls laughing and whispering when he walked by the main room. But only emptiness greeted him. They were their own witches now. They had been for some time. They had no reason to return to the atelier.
They no longer needed him. Why would they? Each one had grown into a fine witch. No longer studying under him. No longer his kids. He could take on other apprentices. Let guilt of filling his home with noise under the guise of offering guidance to far too trusting children eat away at him. He wouldn't of course.
He wanted to tell himself it would be for the sake of their teachings. That he couldn't be sure how much longer his fading sight would last and it would be cruel to put anyone through that.
The truth of the matter was the silence hurt more. All of the joys that had come from watching the girls grow. Sharing in their successes. The way they'd come to him with a new idea or spell to look over. Tetia bouncing excitedly, waiting for a response. Or Coco flitting about nervously, endlessly moving. Richeh would shove something into his hands and then march off. Where as Agott would stand at his side, stiff and unmoving until he spoke.
Now there was silence. All that remained were the memories, traveling like ghosts through the rooms. The silence tore at him, leaving a deepening pit of emptiness that could never be filled. And that hurt far more than taking on an apprentice and starting the process again. He didn't want to start the process again. He… wanted to be done.
And how the roots loved hearing that. They twitched along his skull. Leaves pushing through the socket where an eye should have been. He clutched at the side of his head, stumbling back into the counter. There was no one to see him like this. No apprentices to pretend for. Just him, wallowing in his misery as he sank to the ground. His head falling to his knees, curling himself onto a ball as if that would make it stop.
He felt like a child again. All those years ago at the tower. Watching Olruggio's eyes go from wide with horror to angry and then determined. All of that work. For him. Over and over and over. Everything Olruggio had ever done since they'd met was for him. And here he was, thinking of leaving him behind without so much as a goodbye or explanation.
That was at least enough to push the roots back. Sending them to a place he could deal with more reasonably. The leaves had fallen from his eye as the barely formed branch wilted.
Good.
He didn't deserve the loyalty, the kindness, Olruggio effortlessly gave. He couldn't pinpoint the moment he'd stopped being the kid that smiled almost constantly. The one who could make him laugh no matter how much trouble they managed to get themselves into. Maybe it was because he'd been at his side the whole time. But he couldn't for the life of him remember when the rough edges started to form a shell few got to see through.
Maybe it was while he'd been away. Thinking he could outrun promises made in childhood. Maybe it had been mixed in between each discovery and stolen memory. One by one compounding on each other until even he felt safer portraying himself as someone no one wanted to be around.
He wasn't that person. Olly never had been. He was kind. Everything about him warmed the world around him. As much as the man hated it, people were more at ease than put off by his presence. It was just like Qifrey to drag someone so precious. Down with him.
He couldn't be without Olruggio and, perhaps the more worrisome part, Olruggio couldn't be without him. Once Richeh had felt confident enough to take her fourth test he'd stopped taking commissions. Only responding to old clients for repair orders. When she passed it he'd pushed all of those to Hieheart. Now he didn't leave the atelier unless he was at Qifrey's side.
Truth be told, Qifrey couldn't remember a waking moment where the man wasn't close by these days. It was like the separation anxiety had been turned up to eleven. He didn't like it as much as he'd dared dream he might.
He loved Olruggio, which was and had always been, the issue. He enjoyed spending time with him. They'd shared so many adventures, stories, and dreams. He'd never complain about spending time with his dearest friend. There was just something about this that felt odd. As if Olruggio were expecting to one day wake up and never see him again.
A ridiculous notion. He hadn't been able to stay away the last time and had never dared try again. Though, he could see the merit in the thought process. It wasn't as if they'd been the most well behaved kids.
He brought out the worst in Olruggio. Even the passing decades couldn't change that. He was the one time and time again plucking a star from the sky. As if it had always been his to take. Dimming the night a little bit more each time. Selfishly taking what was so happily given and still demanding more.
A gentle hand on his knee had him looking up into dark blue eyes. Of course Olruggio would find him here like this. Churning guilt over in his mind to spend one more day at this man's side. But what good did it do him?
One more day of suffering. Of keeping his friend- the only person who'd dared stay close- tied to him. Trapped. Unable to leave because Qifrey simply couldn't let him go. It didn't matter.
Qifrey would be damning the man to suffering either way. Either he spilled his secrets to Olruggio, pleading for him to allow it. To let the silverwood take him. Leaving his friend to carry a burden that was never his until he died.
What would Olruggio do when it happened? Because it would. Would he go back to the great hall? Would he stay in an empty atelier? Perhaps he'd travel. Helping those truly in need until he couldn't anymore. Until he was so far from Qifrey he'd be safe from the roots.
"Qifrey," the back of Olruggio's hand pressed against his forehead. "Are you feeling alright?"
Of course this was how Olruggio would find him. Curled in on himself, trying to fight back the parasite implanted in him. It was a fight he was losing. He'd known since the tower it wasn't a fight he'd ever win. The tree would take him, it was as simple as that. He was honestly surprised he'd made it as long as he had.
"The light," he managed to croak out.
The lie was bitter on his tongue. Turning acrid before it even left his lips, the taste was so familiar to him. Something of an old friend. A reminder that even at his happiest, Qifrey could never be happy. No matter how much he wished or reached. It would never be his to hold.
Olruggio, his star. The one who never left his side no matter how many times he uncovered his secret. Not once had he run. Not once had he turned his back on him. Yet over and over again Qifrey hadn't bothered to show the same kindness. He was selfish. Keeping Olruggio to himself, unwilling to let the man have the peace he deserved.
Olruggio who'd moved to block the light streaming through the windows. Casting Qifrey in shadow, where he belonged. He desperately wanted to reach for him. For a moment he let himself believe it was possible. Possible for Olruggio to hold him in his arms allowing him to bask in the comfort he craved without the fear of never coming back.
He felt the roots shift, scratching at his skull, threatening to pierce his brain. Sending another spasm of pain through him. He gripped his head with a groan and Olruggio, his sweet Olly, had a hand on the other side of his head. Pulling him into the darkness of that thick cloak. He wanted to pull away. He wanted to sob and hold him closer, but he couldn't force himself to do either.
All he could do was sit there, face pressed against Olruggio's chest as he tried to push the sapling back to its seed. He didn't deserve the kindness shown to him over and over again. Dragging Olruggio along for the ride because he couldn't let him go. He had a promise to keep after all.
"I'm sorry," he whispered against the fabric of Olruggio's shirt.
"You've got nothing to apologize for," his voice was quiet, kept low as to prevent the migraine from getting any worse. "You've got a migraine. It's not a moral failing."
He didn't know the half of it. All of this was a moral failing. Being here, in this situation right now was a failing of his morals. If he even still had any.
"Olly," his voice was barely above a whisper. There were so many things he wanted to say. So many that needed to be said. All he could manage was, "You're too kind to me."
Olruggio hummed, wrapping an arm around Qifrey to keep him close. "So you keep saying."
The sat there in silence for who knows how long. Qifrey trying to push back the pain while Olruggio, ever faithful and ever patient, waited. When the pain finally ebbed back to manageable he sat up. Leaning against his friend's side, not yet willing to move away from the smallest comfort he could allow himself.
He couldn't do this anymore. There was a calm to the thought. He'd tell Olly. There was nothing more he wanted than to finally let go. To come clean and end the torment, for himself and Olruggio. He'd be upset. More than upset, he'd be furious at the choice Qifrey was making for them both. In the end he'd forgive him. He always did.
This time he just wouldn't be around to see it. And maybe that was for the best. Olruggio could finally move on. Do what he wanted to do instead of following Qifrey into one mess after another.
Unsteadily, he pushed himself to his feet, using Olruggio's shoulder for balance. Once he was one his feet, his ever kind friend joined him. Hands marginally held away from his body, waiting to catch Qifrey if he stumbled. Nothing had changed.
He wasn't sure if anything ever would. When he was gone, would Olruggio visit? Would he sit among the roots and talk? Tell him stories of the girl's exploits? Would Qifrey even know? Would some part of him remain, always reaching out for a man he could never touch? Would the girls come back? Let their own apprentices climb in his branches? Would they even know what had come of him?
Coco would. He was certain once his secret was fully exposed to the world she'd tell them. She'd kept his secret, not letting him share more. Walking the world as if she didn't know. A child he'd taken in, putting himself and his apprentices, his Olly, in danger. It had been worth the price he'd payed. The only thing he regretted was forcing her to carry his burden.
Not for much longer. Soon she'd be freed, just as Olruggio would be. Just as they all would be.
There was just something he needed to do first.
He waited for night to fall. Until the wee hours of the morning when he knew Olruggio would have finally lost to the call of sleep. There was no one to stop him from stepping into the half circle that made up the front yard of the atelier. Both sides of his home curling around it, a promise to keep them safe. A promise he'd once took up as well, and he intended to keep it.
He stepped onto the old stump. The tree had already been removed by the time they'd taken up residence. There was something to be said for looking up at the stars standing on the remains of a tree. This was exactly where he was meant to be. There was a finality in the realization. As if he'd always known this would be his home. His coffin. His final- well growing place really.
The place where he could put down roots. A twisted smile crossed his lips at the thought. There was a peace in watching the stars. The same peace that filled him when he watched Olruggio sleep, the tension finally draining from him. He looked years younger when he was peaceful like that.
Soon he would have that peace back.
He made sure the next morning Olruggio was greeted to fresh baked bread and mountain apple jam.
"You didn't have to go through all the trouble," he'd mumbled, sleep garbling his words. Though he ate happily regardless. Anything Qifrey could cook up was nothing to scoff at or let go to waste.
Qifrey could only give him a small, tight smile. It was an apology. One that wouldn't make a difference, though maybe in the long run Olruggio would come to appreciate their last day together. He needed to make sure Olruggio didn't blame himself for this. He needed to make sure his perfect, kind, loving Olly got to say everything he needed to. That he didn't spend the rest of his life regretting not saying something.
He owed him that much.
As the day wore on Qifrey made sure he was by Olruggio's side. Curling up against him as he read on the couch. He could feel the roots twitching. Ready to make their move. Maybe it was because they knew they'd win out soon, maybe it was because the anxiety of trying to figure out how he was going to bring this topic up was eating away him just enough.
Olruggio had always been the one to see right through him. He'd always been the one to bring it up, to ask all the right questions. The ones that had the truth bubbling out of him like flood waters. Until the water turned to branches threatening to choke the life from him. Roots reaching for Olruggio to drag him under, to subject him to being stuck with Qifrey for eternity.
Without his friend's questioning he wasn't sure where to even start. 'I've been lying to you and erasing your memories since we were children and you gave me your ribbon to remind me of the pain I caused you and as a promise to keep doing it' felt like a lot to throw at someone without some kind of lead up.
All in all it was a nice day. Qifrey trailing behind Olruggio rather than the other way around. Giving him a reassuring smile each time he received a concerned look in response. He was fine. Better than he'd ever been in his life. This felt safe, and he could indulge ever so slightly in the things he'd always wanted, but could never let himself have.
There were times where Olruggio had pulled him into his side. Wrapping and arm around him to keep him close. Normally Qifrey would have moved away after a moment, but this time he stayed. Letting his eye close while leaves pushed their way through the other. It wasn't until they were getting close to pushing past his bangs that he moved.
The chill the movement brought had everything slithering back into place. He was playing with fire, but it was well worth it to make sure Olruggio knew how much he cared. How badly he'd always wanted to show it.
It was when the stars had finally scattered themselves across the sky that he pulled Olruggio out to look at them. Taking his spot on the old tree. A foundation to build on, just as he'd done with the atelier behind him.
"What's gotten into you today?" Olruggio asked.
Qifrey knew he was looking at him, but he didn't dare pull his eyes away from the sky. He feared what he'd see if he did, and he needed comfort and safety right now. Still, the problem remained. How was he supposed to start this conversation?
"Olly," he started quietly. The stars were out in the thousands tonight. "Do you know how silverwood Trees are planted?"
"Can't say that I do." His expression was unreadable as he searched Qifrey's for any hint of what was going on. Something important and something stupid no doubt.
"They're parasitic. Sitting in a host, biding their time. Waiting for the host to feel at peace, tranquil even." He sighed, taking his cap in his hands, tangling his fingers in the ribbon for something to do. "But I suppose it's worse than that. Unless the host is injured the seed stays dormant. Reaching through the body like a proper parasite. Undetectable. When the host is injured-"
"Qifrey," There was a sternness to his voice. Though nothing about it was unkind.
It was a request to stop talking, to let Olruggio evaluate the situation on his terms. To connect the dots and Qifrey could do nothing but oblige. Anything Olruggio asked for he'd cave to and he knew the same was true of Olruggio.
"Is this what you learned in the tower?"
He shook his head looking at the ribbon wrapped between his fingers. Gripping it the same way he wished he could hold Olruggio's hand, fingers laced together. Experience was one of the best teachers.
"People don't make the best hosts. We're constantly riddled anxieties. Societal pressures, life or death situations, our own thoughts."
"That's why they took your eye? Replaced it with a seed and threw you in a coffin hoping something would grow."
There it was. The disbelief he'd been waiting on. The wide eyes as he looked to Qifrey hoping for some confirmation that he was wrong. He'd never found one before and he wouldn't find one now.
"I was the trial run," he worked the ribbon off his cap, letting the hat fall to the ground. The tip rolled away for a moment before rolling back and resting at the base of the stump.
"And all of this, was under my nose the whole time," Olruggio growled. "Not once did I think- some Watchful Eye I turned out to be."
Qifrey laughed. It was a short sound, choked by something crawling along the back of his throat. "My friend we've had this conversation countless times. Since we were boys."
He'd turned to look at Olruggio now. "You know me too well. You always have. No matter how hard I try, you always know how to shed light on the deepest parts of me."
"If that's the case why don't I remem-" he cut himself off before his voice could rise to a shout. As if he were still afraid to wake the children that were no longer there. Years of habit didn't die easily. "You didn't."
Qifrey felt something twist inside and it wasn't the tree. All of the guilt, years of lowering the only person to ever stand by him to the ground. Bearing witness to Olly uncovering his secret time and time again. Knowing they cycle was only going to repeat. Loop after loop. Each time harder and harder to convince himself that he shouldn't just give in.
But back then he'd had a promise to keep. A promise to grow old together. He'd kept that promise. They'd done that. Qifrey doing everything in his power to keep what distance he could while Olruggio wormed his way into his heart every time.
"Comfort is what causes the roots to grow. Telling the truth, letting go of the lies, it's a comfort in and of itself." He could feel the roots twisting as he spoke. Threatening to break through his skin. Leaves were threatening to push through his hair. "If the person you tell doesn't remember. If you keep making them forget each time they find out. The anxiety, the guilt, it's enough to keep it at bay."
Olruggio grimaced, scratching the back of his head. "And which one of us came up with that hair brained scheme?"
All he had to do was give Olly the a small, sad smile, looking down at him. The ribbon still tangled in his hands.
"Yeah, that sounds about right." He didn't move, but his expression softened. "Why tell me now?"
"We're old," his voice so quiet Olruggio had to strain to hear it. "The girls are gone, they're all fine witches."
He twisted the ribbon in his hands before pulling it taut. "And I'm tired. I'm tired of not being able to hold you. I'm tired of not being able to tell you I love you. I'm tired of not being able to be with you the way you want. The way I want. I'm tired of not being able to kiss you."
Olruggio took a step closer. Then another. And it was everything Qifrey could have hoped for. It was everything he'd ever wanted, there in front of him. Inches away. So close he could reach out and touch him. He could pull him close. But he knew better. Pulling Olruggio in meant subjecting him to the same fate.
"I want to leave this world on my terms. Where I want to grow." He sounded petulant. He knew that, but the words kept coming and Olruggio was stepping onto the stump. "I want to stay here, this is my home. My atelier."
"I'm not making you leave," he assured him, reaching up to brush the hair aside, giving himself a proper look at the branch jutting from the socket.
He knew he should be pushing back, convincing Qifrey to wipe his memories yet again. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. If he did would Qifrey come to him like this again? Did that weight need to be put back on Qifrey's shoulders? He wasn't wrong. They were getting old. Winters were starting to take their toll and their bones creaked with each step.
Was forcing Qifrey to take his memories prolonging his life because Olruggio couldn't bear to live without him? Or was it for Qifrey? He already knew the answer.
"You're right you know. We're getting up there and hell, at least out here you'll be able to see the sky, right? Going out on your terms… Maybe that's a kindness."
The roots were writhing now. Pushing through the skin, throwing themselves out in all directions. He could feel the bark rising along his skin. Body going rigid as he looked down to see the roots rushing for Olruggio. They always did. Olly was his comfort, his tranquility. While the panic could keep them at bay for a moment, it wouldn't be enough.
"You have to go," he wanted to push him away, but his arms refused to listen. His fingers twitched, stuck in front of him, tangled around Olruggio's ribbon. He was never letting go of it now. "Olly you can't stay. You have to go! The roots. They'll bring you in with me. You need to-"
"I'm not going anywhere." His voice was firm as he did the exact opposite. Ducking under the ribbon to press himself against Qifrey's chest.
No. No. This wasn't supposed to be happening. He was supposed to be doing this alone. He wasn't supposed to be dragging Olruggio with him. He'd done enough of that. Olruggio was supposed to keep going. Keep enjoying his life free of the curse of Qifrey. Not wrapping his arms around him and resting his chin on his shoulder like this was normal.
"Olly, please."
"You must be stupid if you think I'm going to leave you now!" He snapped.
Qifrey was reminded of the first time they'd been through this. Olruggio telling him to live. To see to it that his dreams came true and they had. He'd laughed, he'd made a name for himself. He would be remembered and he'd gotten to brag about his apprentices accomplishments, which was much more fun than bragging about his own. He'd gotten almost everything he'd ever wanted. The final thing. The one he could never let himself have was stepping into the roots he should be running from.
"Did you think I was just hanging around for the fun of it? I'm here because I would follow you to the ends of the earth. You're not getting rid of me that easily!"
That hurt. It twisted at him, had the roots recoiling and leaves wilting off some of the branches. Yet it spurred them on all the same. The warmth that radiated from his star sent bark and leaves spiraling up around them. Locking them in an embrace that would never be broken. Not now that he finally had everything he'd wanted for so long.
The tree was happy to bring Olruggio closer, crushing him against Qifrey. He could feel his heart beat against his chest. Feel the way his breath stuttered as struggled to take in air. Qifrey could only watch. Unable to move, looking at the man who was still selfless. Who still refused to let Qifrey go it alone.
The trunk had fully surrounded them now. Branches reaching higher and higher. Leaves filling out while they remained trapped, locked in the center. The tree curling around Olruggio's legs, refusing to let him go now that it had him. Creeping along his back, over his shoulders. He could feel tears slipping down his cheek as a pained grunt left Olly's lips.
Ever sweet and ever kind, his Olly, reached up with a shaky hand and wiped away the tears.
"Why?" Qifrey choked out, somewhere between a sob and a shout.
Olruggio gave him one of the softest smiles Qifrey had ever seen. "Because a life without you isn't worth living."
He coughed as the tree closed in on them, forcing them closer. Olruggio's ribs cracking against the bark taking over Qifrey's skin. The sight of Olruggio caving to the pain, the sound of his ragged breaths. It was enough to allow him to move. To wrap his arms around Olruggio as if that were going to save him. As if he could protect him the same way his friend had protected him all these years.
It also gave Olruggio the chance to shift. Vision blurring with pain and lack of oxygen he reached for his palm quire. He pushed through. Flipping to the third page with trembling fingers. He couldn't reach his pen, but he wasn't sure he needed it for this to work. He tore the page from the palm quire. It wasn't exactly easy with one hand and a tree trying to crush him, but he manged. The leather bound book falling to the roots below.
He pressed the parchment into the tree, watching out of the corner of his eye as the partially finished seal was absorbed into the wood. Not exactly what he wanted, but he didn't have time to be annoyed. Qifrey needed him and that was all that truly mattered.
"Olly?" His voice was a hoarse whisper. Blue eye wide, concerned, but not enough that it was sending the tree back to where it came from.
"You need-" he struggled to get a breath in and the words out, but he needed to do this.
He put his hand on the back of Qifrey's head. Ignoring how it tugged at his ribs and sent flares through his body. He wouldn't be surprised if one of the shards had pushed its way through a lung, air was barely coming to him, but he couldn't stop now.
"-to relax, right?" It hurt to breathe.
His lungs burning and screaming at every exhale or inhale. There was no reprieve. He wasn't sure if it would end or if he'd stay alive like this forever. Looking at Qifrey, eye now a dull blue, breath barely puffing beyond his lips there wasn't anywhere else he'd rather be.
"You… Weren't supposed to die with me." If it weren't for the tree blocking them from the rest of the world he was certain he wouldn't have heard him.
"You really thought I'd leave you to suffer alone?" His hand finally found Qifrey's hair. Gently linking his fingers in what remained of the soft strands.
When Qifrey's gaze slipped away he gave a wet chuckle that turned into a choked sputter.
"I would never." It was as firm as he could keep his tone.
Face twisted in pain, hair soaked in sweat and sticking to his forehead. Trying to push past the sharp fire racing through his body. He needed to. Qifrey's pain would continue until he well and truly relaxed. He pulled Qifrey's head toward him. Maybe it was some fucked up understanding reached with the tree. Maybe a small part of Qifrey jolted when he felt the hand in his hair. The why didn't matter.
"Look at me, please."
How could he ignore that when Olruggio was pulling him close.
"I," he wheezed as the wood squeezed tighter. "Have always loved you."
The hand on his cheek twitched as he brought their lips together, eyes slipping closed. Olruggio pulled away he pressed his forehead to Qifrey's. Taking one last stuttering breath before falling victim to the tree.
The sky's kindest, most radiant star. Snuffed out because he burned for everyone but himself.
Qifrey knew he should be raging. He should be screaming at the unfairness of it all. That's what any rational person would do. But as he closed his eyes. Relaxing into Olruggio's embrace he was exactly where he wanted to be.
A silverwood tree looking over an empty atelier. Right where it was meant to be. Looking over the place that had once held some much laughter and kindness. Leaves glittering under the stars, a light blue tint to the shimmer when the rustled in the wind.
As the years passed and branches died a blue flame pulled itself from the leaves, consuming the ichor within. Dancing through the leaves with grace and ease. As if it was exactly where it belonged.