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My head was pounding, quite literally screaming at me.
It was happening again, just like it always did. There was only rest never escape, there was never a true escape. I groaned as I all but doubled over in the corner of my room. I should’ve learnt to better control it, but you know what they say, would’ve, should’ve, could’ve. It certainly sounded about right. A typical muggle saying that made my immortal blood boil. Well it would’ve if it could’ve. You couldn’t boil something that didn’t flow.
The curtains were drawn shut despite the fact it was night time, but it made no odds, the moon shone through the crack from where they had been hung in a hurry, soft moonlight seeping into my otherwise pitch black room. My London apartment was a penthouse suite, gifted by my parents for the illusion of independence – or rather so they could have the manor house to themselves as true vampires – but it meant nothing to me as I practically flew (not an exaggeration) to the window and threw them open to get fresh air.
The fresh air should’ve helped.
It did nothing.
My head still pounded, my chest ached despite having nothing there to ache. It was hard to consider yourself alive when your heart had effectively turned to stone. Everything inside me was screaming. Blood lust never truly disappeared, it lay dormant for a while, an illusion of satisfaction only to surge up once more, engulfing everything in its path until it was the only thing I could think about. There was no cure for it, just endless years of practice.
So much bloody practice. Both literally and metaphorically. I'd had sixteen and a bit good years of mortal life, feeling everything around me, witnessing everything with fresh excitable eyes. Stupidly believing I might one day get a grip on the blood lust. I now knew better, it had a grip on me, that was the price of being a hybrid. Even hybrids could not escape what they were, and I included myself in that. We had forever to come to terms with it – hopefully it wouldn’t take that long.
I couldn’t claim it was life or death, it was limbo that stretched on ahead of me. But that wasn’t the priority, I needed to get a grip, urgently. The Hogwarts express would depart in a handful of days and no one could know my secret.
Merlin I needed blood.
Urgently.
My fangs were desperate for the sweet relief, itching and aching to be satisfied. This was by far the worst part of hybrid life, probably of vampire life too but I could only speak for the hybrid life. The burning thirst, sucked – no pun intended – the insatiable need that only raged more until it was quenched. Food was food, I could eat normal human food like anyone else. It was part of the job to blend in, but it did nothing. It quenched nothing.
I could sit at the long tables that lined the hall, laugh and joke while picking at plates full of food that others devoured in seconds, it was all a charade. As a hybrid child and teen I had found not delight, but adequacy in the food served at Hogwarts, it tasted as good as it was going to taste. Of course it didn’t quench thirst but it didn’t taste bad. It was only after immorality that I no longer had the stomach for it. It didn’t fill a void, it didn’t even taste good anymore, more like slop or gruel no matter the food.
Nothing tasted distinct anymore, all the same jumbled slop that felt slimy. Perhaps if I'd still been able to taste distinct flavours it would’ve felt like missing out more, but it didn’t, so it didn’t feel like missing out. Blood was the only thing that satisfied the thirst. I could’ve survived on food alone if I were a masochist, I wasn’t. Blood was my focus for existence. Contrary to what others of my kind argued, it all tasted the same in my opinion, human or animal, blood was blood at the end of the day.
It muted the burning down my throat, it quietened the thoughts that would otherwise cloud my mind and judgement, it did its’ job. The source of the blood was something of an irrelevance to my family, they would’ve pilfered blood banks if the need arose. I preferred a vegetarian diet, no human blood – I didn’t have the safeguard of a huge manor to hide in. I had to live among humans, even if it didn’t taste any different, it felt like tempting fate. I'd done that enough in my short life, why tempt it again?
Magic made it easier at least, I silently summoned a bag I had stockpiled from the summer break, jabbing a pointed straw into the bag with practised ease. When you had a lifetime to learn the best methods, you became something of an expert. And just because we had to drink animals, didn’t mean we needed to behave like them. The first gulp was enough to stave off the burning, quietening the screaming as I continued to sip on it like a muggle on a glass of wine.
Though there was nothing exquisite about the taste of blood. Even to a vampire it wasn’t some divine taste. But it did the job, the more sips on the bag, the quieter the screaming until it was no longer there, the burning dissipating too like mist on a sunny day. Relief washed over me. I never managed to time it right despite plenty of time to practice. I always left it too late, waiting till it was burning, like being set on fire inside out, before I would do something. You’d have thought I would’ve learnt, or rather I'd have it down to an exact art by now. I didn’t. Never had.
One day I'd learn.
The thoughts lingered as I strolled over to the window, switching to be perched on the window sill in one swift movement, my legs hanging into the room while my head was turned to face out the window. My eyes watching the bright lights of London flickering around me, people finishing their days, maybe starting their nights, all heartbeats filled with hopes and dreams. I'd be back at Hogwarts soon, the charade would begin once more.
Perhaps I'd be lucky and survive the journey without blood lust, surrounded by clueless witches and wizards who still believed people like me were myths from children’s story books. People who couldn’t believe that the stories were real. Oblivious to the fact us ‘cold ones’ and many more of their ‘myths’ walked among them, prowling around with grace and elegance they would never achieve. Less suspicious than they could’ve ever imagined.
…
“there’s no way all the stories are real,” I smirked to myself as I walked past a carriage of first years who were adamantly defending their dispositions on whether vampires, fairies, werewolves and all the rest of them existed. Ah the urge to tell them that all the stories were in fact real, to dispel the myths of them only being myths, to put them right on the facts… but that would blow my cover and everyone else’s, so I smiled silently, letting my amusement rest on my face instead as I walked on by and down the corridor that led between carriages on the Hogwarts express. It was funny to me, listening to people debate whether immortals could possibly exist, they could believe in ghosts but not the possibility of vampires?
They could live beside ghosts who literally floated through the walls, but the reality of werewolves or fairies or vampires or any other mythical creature was simply too much of a stretch? The imagination running wild and free yet totally outside the realm of possibility? Just wait till they heard about hybrids, that would blow their little minds into smithereens. There were more than enough stories out there about our existence, and many factually inaccurate notes on our existence at that. But still the literature was out there. It wasn’t that hard to get hold of when you considered that a large part of the curriculum at Hogwarts featured said literature to teach and study it.
Regardless, my existence alone was enough to prove them all wrong.
I stepped into the next carriage and continued my way along the corridor, the voices in the carriages I passed falling into background noise, their heartbeats drowned out by my own amused thoughts at their innocence. Or rather ignorance. After walking through several more carriages, I finally located my best friend at Hogwarts in a carriage by himself as usual, sociable he was not. “well isn’t that tragic,” I commented, ducking slightly to step into the compartment that was for some reason incapable of believing anyone over 5’7 could exist.
I wasn’t even tall, I was a nice 5’8 but the Hogwarts express had not accounted for it, “I was waiting for you,” Cassian replied without looking up, instead turning a page in his book, as I settled opposite him on the plush seats of the compartment. Watching while he slid the door to the compartment shut and pulled down the small blind on the door with practiced ease. “you’re late by the way,” he added as I folded one leg over the other, “please I'm always on time,” he rolled his eyes, turning back to his book for the briefest of seconds.
“you’re not, you’re hungry,” my eyebrow arched silently, of course my best friend noticed, nothing got past him. He monitored my condition like it was a chronic illness that he was worried would take me at any second. Despite the fact we both knew I technically couldn’t die after hitting seventeen. A weird age to gain immortality one had to admit. “I'm fine, I’ve eaten,” he remained unconvinced, “I did,” he shrugged as I reiterated my lack of hunger again.
Not a total lie, I had eaten per say and that satiated any bloodlust that could exist, making me safer to be at school. Or at least no more of a threat than your average hormonal teenager. “You don’t look right,” there was no answer to that. “Thanks Cassian, you always were flattering,” he rolled his eyes, unamused at my deflection, “it’s true, just don’t push yourself so hard this year,” I sighed quietly. “I'm serious y/n” his eyes met mine, book pushed to the side as he studied me properly. “I’ve never seen so many near misses, you spent most of the year in the hospital wing,” I shrugged again, “it’s not like I can control it,” he shrugged as if to say ‘still’ but didn’t press any further.
Cassian was silent for a moment, his gaze held mine but his eyes were elsewhere, like he was trying to complete a mental puzzle but missing the final piece. “something’s not right,” he murmured finally, inconclusive as usual, he obtuse on purpose. “you say that every year,” he shook his head, “something is really off this year, I can feel it,” I was sceptical of Cassian’s gut feelings, he always said something was off, but I could see it was different.
His eyes didn’t look right, he looked on edge in a way he never was, “we’ll find out I'm sure, we always do,” his eyes firmly held mine, “you have to be careful, whatever this is, it’s not going to let you get away with everything.” I shrugged nonchalantly, playing off his comment, to an extent I was. As far as I knew there were no other Dumbledore pet projects in the year never mind the rest of the school, I was a rarity, one he had bent the rules to let in but had kept a close eye on.
“I won’t get caught,” he sighed wearily, muttering under his breath, “I wouldn’t be so sure,” I smiled fondly at him, bless his sweet beating heart. He cared about me. Something few were dumb enough to risk, and for that I loved him, I would protect him with my undead life. “I'm going for a wander, don’t miss me too much,” he rolled his eyes, as I pushed myself to my feet, “don’t worry, I won’t,” I scoffed quietly, ruffling his hair on the way past, his swearing muffled by the noise encasing the train.
So much noise, it was utterly overwhelming compared to the silence of my apartment. Stilling in the doorway of the carriage I heard Cassian’s amused cough behind me, I'd described the experience to him before, how it became a cacophony of sound that could be tuned out usually. Emphasis on usually. Voices, train noises, and of course the main one, heartbeats. Hundreds of them beating in varying rhythms, some faster some slower, several weaker, a handful stronger, and then one.
My ears practically twitched as it latched onto the new one, my legs carrying me unwittingly in the direction of it, down the corridor of the train, to the compartment at the very end. A boy was stood outside of it, not particularly remarkable to look at, not set apart by anything out of the ordinary apart from of course, his heartbeat. But I was the only one who could hear that.
He was propping up the wall of the compartment, book in hand, head buried in the book, brow furrowed like he was deeply engrossed yet his body language betrayed him. He was astutely aware of his surroundings, evidenced by his sudden glance up, eyes meeting mine with widened surprise. I paid it no mind, using the closeness in distance to ‘hear’ his heartbeat better.
There was nothing inherently wrong with it, it wasn’t broken or paced in a way that hinted to pacemakers, it just wasn’t quite human either. There was nothing wrong him really either, chocolate brown hair, pale skin that was flush with aliveness, and yet his heartbeat. His eyebrow rose silently, signalling I'd been caught staring but was still a tad too entranced to fully appreciate it, I internally cursed, did I play a lovesick teen girl or just run for the hills? My instincts were quicker than my brain thankfully, spinning me away from the boy, breaking eye contact to hurry off back down the way I'd came, slipping through the crowds that had begun to flow into the corridor as we grew ever closer to Hogwarts.
…
I'd barely made it a week into the term before I was back in the hospital wing. Cassian had managed to keep his know-it-all comments to himself for once, when he had visited me earlier in the day, during prescribed visiting hours before being ushered out. Darkness had long fallen over the hospital wing, but it made no odds, hybrids could sleep but it wasn’t anything close to human sleep.
If I had to explain it, it wasn’t really an escape, it more physical rest, the mind didn’t really quieten but the body stilled more than it did when maintaining the charade, I just had to make sure to ‘breathe’ properly if anyone was watching too closely. It was one of the many reasons I appreciated being given a bed near Madam Pomfrey’s office, I could stare at the ceiling all night if I wanted and she wouldn’t have questioned it. She knew.
She had to; I was the reason she’d started stocking ‘cranberry juice.’ The cranberry juice in question was sat on the table beside me, it looked innocent enough, probably animal blood – I hadn’t bothered to ask. Instead, I'd stuck a straw in the glass and sipped enough for the burning in my throat to dull, not gone. Of course not, that would be a miracle. I let my head fall back against the pillows, hugging my knees to my chest as I sighed, breathing in the silence of the hospital wing. It was midweek so it wasn’t like there were the usual weekend quidditch injuries filling up the beds yet, nor were there the dozens of people who had caught the latest bug going round school, still the wing wasn’t silent.
It was never silent, but it could get pretty close in the middle of the night, which was part of the reason I liked the middle of the night so much – the world fell quiet, and it was peaceful. Or at least it was until heavy footsteps busted their way through the main doors, swinging so loudly even to human ears that they may have come off the hinges. Regardless the footsteps powered on unperturbed, I watched in the darkness, glad hybrids had good vision, as the footsteps grew louder and the shadows worked their way towards the office.
I had never bothered to pull closed the curtains round my bed, seeing no need for privacy considering the frequency of my visits, I was glad I hadn’t on this occasion, getting a good look at the noise offenders. “I'm fine, I can walk on my own,” hissed whispers filled the air as I stretched my legs out in front of me, unsurprised when the marauders came into view. They were notorious even in the Slytherin common room.
“Yeah, you can walk just fine,” one of the four drawled sarcastically, as they walked past my bed finally giving me a good look. James Potter and Sirius Black were supporting the boy from the train between them. Remus Lupin. I should’ve noticed, merlin knew how I didn’t. Behind them, Peter Pettigrew fluttered around like a useless mother hen, as Pomfrey’s door creaked open, light entering the room but keeping me just out of sight.
“I was expecting you,” Pomfrey murmured quietly, leading them to the bed opposite me, the light flicking on as I reached for a book, my attempt at offering privacy. Even without looking at the group directly I could tell Lupin was in a state bad enough to rival my own, his skin pale, pulled taut over bone, movements still elegant but requiring effort. His heartbeat was racing, nothing like the odd but consistent beats on the train, it was pounding rapidly, almost attempting to break through his ribs.
The noise so loud it was impossible to ignore but I tried to, pretending in earnest to read my book, skimming the same line six times. “I'm fine,” Lupin said over the noise of the curtains around the bed being adjusted, and his friends helping him onto the bed, “Mr Black, Mr Potter, take Mr Pettigrew with you,” Madam Pomfrey ordered briskly, without looking at them. She had a talent for mastering authority while doing something entirely different. “We came to look after him!” Black protested, why he bothered I couldn’t understand.
I had tried arguing with Madam Pomfrey, I was yet to win. “Unless the three of you are suddenly expert healers, you are dismissed,” her tone was firm enough I certainly wouldn’t have argued with her, even when they looked ready to put up a fight before finally relenting and sloping off towards the door. Practically dragging Pettigrew between them.
“you’re later than usual,” Pomfrey commented, Lupin said nothing, “still you’ll have company, I know a certain night owl who won’t be asleep,” I smiled to myself. Trust her to get in a little comment, she knew as well as I did how evasive sleep was, and how no matter how hard I tried, I could hear everything thousands time better than anyone else. “oh yeah?” Lupin sighed quietly, “lucky me,” Pomfrey swatted at him, “trust me, she understands better than most.”
I wasn’t really listening to their conversation, instead I was all ears on his heartrate, it had slowed since his arrival, still loud but more regular for what I would expect. Nonetheless it was the same not quite human rhythm that I was certain would haunt me for a millennia if I didn’t get to the bottom of it in the near future. Pomfrey continued her task list, flitting around with various vials and other items, as Lupin’s eyes roamed round the room, finally settling on me, if he was surprised he didn’t show it.
Equally, if he recognised me, well, he didn’t show that either. “drink all of those,” Pomfrey ordered to Lupin, pointing to the stack of vials, “and you,” she turned to me, “finish yours too,” I nodded silently, holding my hands up in surrender, with a last knowing look she retreated to her office. Silence overtaking the hospital wing once more. I watched in silence as he began emptying each vial, knocking them back like shots with speed and precision in equal measure, “nice to see you again.”
He began pleasantly as I tossed the blanket on my bed to the side, summoning the light on above my head silently, providing slightly more light so he could see me better. Whether or not he wanted to was a different matter entirely. “You sound pleased to see me,” he shrugged, “haven’t decided yet, fate must have a plan,” my eyebrow rose silently. “Well take your time, I'm sure fate is taking its’ too,” fate and I were not friends.
“Besides I'm not going anywhere,” I muttered it quietly, but he must’ve heard from the way he shifted in his bed, edging closer to the end. For a moment there was more silence before his eyes caught sight of the glass at my side, I said nothing as he eyed it curiously, “what is it?” I smiled wryly, careful not to display my fangs in the low light, “cranberry juice,” I replied flatly, unblinking as my eyes flickered to the thick liquid for a second. Lupin looked on in disbelief, if I were meaner I might have dared him to take a sip to check.
His eyes flickered from the glass to me, “you drink it at midnight?” I shrugged, “not always, other times are available,” it wasn’t intended to explain anything to him. If anything, I suspected it was better he didn’t understand. His heartbeat was stronger again, not faster though. “that’s a… routine,” he remarked, “so is turning up late to the hospital wing,” unable to argue he nodded silently. “you don’t seem surprised, to see me here,” he commented, it was a dangerous statement to let hang in the air.
The mental gymnastics in my mind were going insane, did I admit to being the oddity of the year, hearing his heartbeat that set him apart from everyone else? “I don’t tend to be surprised by much,” I acknowledged carefully, “I can’t work you out,” he murmured eventually, “then don’t try to.” He shook his head, “I will,” I sighed quietly, when had figuring me out done anyone any good? “I will figure you out,” it was muttered like an oath, promising he would put the pieces in the right place.
“You talk like you already know you’re right, I see it in class,” he added as I shrugged once more, taking a sip from my glass. “I'm usually correct, am I not?” a small involuntary smile flickered onto his face, “I'm not convinced,” he replied evenly as my grip tightened on my glass before I slowly relaxed and placed it down. “we’ll see,” I barely made it sound light but perhaps I was overanalysing – certainly wouldn’t be the first time.
…
It was easy to pick Lupin out of a crowd, my ears sought out his heartrate first no matter where I was or what I was doing. Cassian thought I'd lost it. I wasn’t entirely sure he was wrong. Lupin’s heartbeat had become a continuous melody, it accompanied me round the halls of Hogwarts, and the more I heard it, the more I studied it. it didn’t behave like a regular heartbeat, where it should’ve been steady it would stutter, lagging here and there when there was no obvious reason for it to.
“Are you listening again?” Cassian asked from opposite me in the library, eyebrow raised unimpressed, of course I had told him. He admitted it was weird but didn’t care the way I did, and why would he? I was becoming obsessive. I shook my head, batting away the remaining thoughts of Lupin, turning instead to smile passively at Cassian whose eyebrow arched sceptically, “you really need to do something, either ask him what the hell is wrong with his heart or forget it,” easier said than done.
I sighed quietly, the heartbeat filling my ears as Lupin rounded the corner spying our half empty desk, “mind if I join you? Only Sirius is being a pain again,” Cassian gestured silently, watching with unbridled delight as Lupin joined us. “I’ll leave you crazy kids to it,” Cassian was on his feet as my eyes widened, ruffling my hair before I could formulate enough of an argument to get him to stay, “I hate you,” I hissed to him as he smiled widely.
“You love me really, honey bunny,” with that he was round the corner before I could cuss him out any further. Reluctantly I turned back to look at Lupin whose eyebrow was in his hairline, “trouble in paradise,” I scoffed quietly, “Cassian does not view me like that.” Lupin looked vaguely amused as he studied the chair Cassian had vacated, before swapping into it, “I should hope not,” he remarked dryly as I closed my textbook with a slam. It was on hybrids, I could study it without questions from Cassian, sometimes he helped with my research, but having it in front of Lupin was a risk I wasn’t taking.
Up close Lupin’s heartbeat was even stranger, it would speed up like a plane preparing for take off, then slow down to the pace of a snail, I hadn’t even noticed how I was leaning closer until I caught sight of Lupin’s face. “Intrigued by something?” he asked innocently as I retreated back to my seat, practically sitting on my hands to stop me from doing something stupid. “you’re not that interesting,” he said nothing for a moment, eyes holding mine, “you’re a terrible liar, you look at me like I'm the most fascinating puzzle you’ve ever seen,” a choke echoed from the back of my throat.
Any sense of composure practically dissipating into the crisp autumn that filtered through the library. Unable to deny the obvious I sighed quietly, “you’re a very observant man, Lupin,” “Remus,” he corrected, despite having no blood pumping round my system I wasn’t certain a blush had risen to my cheeks. “Remus,” I tasted the words on my lips, hating how sweet they felt, “and for that matter, I have to be, though it’s hardly difficult when someone isn’t very subtle,” I folded my arms over my chest, pouting despite myself.
“how perceptive,” I remarked dryly as he shrugged, relaxing back into his chair, with an air of nonchalance I could only wish to feign half convincingly. “I try to be, but like I said, when someone looks at you like they’re trying to see into your soul, listening for something,” I held my breath, “it’s not difficult.” Mirroring him I shrugged, attempting to ignore the way his eyes bore into my very soul, forcing a scoff I turned my attention away from him, “you’re imagining things Remus, you must not be sleeping enough.”
He was already shaking his head as I focused back in on him, “am I?” the certainty was clear as day, and that only made my job more difficult, I had never been good at gaslighting someone. Certainly, had never tried on someone who let nothing by them in the way Remus did. I was trying to formulate a defence when it shifted, slowing down before suddenly speeding up, causing me to quite literally leap out of my thoughts. My eyes flicking down to his chest, game over.
Bustedddddd.
“You hear it, don’t you?” he asked carefully, voice barely above a whisper so no one around us would be any the wiser. My brain was screaming to lie, but as we’d already established. I was a bad liar when it came to Remus, something I hadn’t thought possible before he had said as such. I went to open my mouth, to say something, literally anything but nothing came and the silence stretched further. He had busted me with a single sentence and I was at a complete loss for words.
I breathed out slowly, willing myself to at least appear slightly human as I did so, “heartrates aren’t subtle,” he said nothing for a moment, his gaze fixed to mine unwavering as I shifted uncomfortably. He should’ve been uncomfortable, merlin he should’ve known to stay away and yet here he was challenging me on my little party trick. “not like that, you react to mine, I noticed it that night in the hospital wing, and I’ve watched you since, you don’t react to anyone else, no one but me,” his confession was stated like fact, completely unphased to what he was admitting.
“I’ve never heard one like yours before,” I murmured slowly, the truth spilling where a lie could not fill, “it goes fast when it should be neutral, slow when it should be fast, it’s odd…” I managed finally as he leant closer to the table. Both sets of textbooks ignored, “and you’ve noticed all this from observing for how long?” I shrugged, “time is meaningless to someone like me,” too much. I'd said too much but we were long down that road. What was a bit more?
“meaningless?” his heart rate galloped again causing me to let out a frustrated breath, tugging my hair tie from my hair abruptly, needing something to fiddle with before I lost my mind entirely. “you’re changing it,” I stated, ignoring his prior statement, “I don’t know how that’s possible, but you are,” a faint smile appeared at the edge of his mouth, “and you’re pretending to be normal, but here we are,” it hit a tiny bit too close to home as I tried to feign disinterest.
“Everyone wants normal, I'm just being what everyone else wants,” I added a leisurely shrug for good measure, giving a careless hair flick like it didn’t bother me immensely. “well you’re not normal” he stated firmly, leaving a beat where I wasn’t sure what I wanted him to say next, “and I don’t want you to be either,” with that he opened his textbook once more, reaching for a piece of parchment as I was left gobsmacked. There was no answer to that, “you can’t just drop that and go back to reading!”
I finally recovered as he glanced up, an amused smile painted across his lips, “can’t I? says who?” I threw my hands up in frustration, “I say!” he chuckled quietly. “You are actually infuriating,” he shrugged smirking slightly, “I’ve been told that,” the man was impossible.
To everything I said he had a premade answer, I was running out of sarcastic comebacks and that had never happened before. I'd spend the next two decades coming up with comebacks, so I never had this happen again. “do you seriously not see what’s wrong with me?” I asked despite myself, I was getting in too deep but merlin I was stupid and didn’t want saving. There was no caution or fear, or even pity as he looked over me properly, “am I supposed?” I sighed exasperated, “do you need a list?” merlin I'd give him a list if it got it through his skull.
He sighed quietly, eyes staring into mine as he gave me a level look, “you want me to believe there is something wrong with you, I saw how you looked at me in the hospital wing, like you were imploring me to realize the big bad thing about you and run screaming. Unfortunately, you must be slightly thick if you haven’t realised from all your observations, I don’t go running screaming,” I said nothing. He’d go run screaming if he saw me outside of my perfect apartment or Hogwarts life and deep in a forest mid hunt.
Anyone with sense would run screaming. But I was rapidly realising Remus Lupin did not have a sense bone in his body. “but seeing as we’re being all observant, here’s something I’ve observed. You don’t eat. Ever.” Any thought in my head combusted, my movements stilled as he continued, “you skipped lunch earlier, breakfast you sat with Cassian pushing the food round, you never ate once, and you gave him the food.
Yesterday was the same, and the day before, and the day before that,” my breathing was uneven, heck I wasn’t sure I was even breathing anymore. Screw keeping up the charade, I wasn’t sure I could when he dropped a bombshell like that. “you’ve been watching,” he chuckled humourlessly, “you’ve noticed everything about me, only seems fair I notice these things about you,” there was no shame in his admission, rather a look of concern.
“you don’t need to worry about me,” I managed finally, I wanted to be angry, to scream it wasn’t his business, not his concern, to mind his own business. But I couldn’t find the strength to, in truth it was nice to have someone outside Cassian notice, to see a side of me everyone ignored because it was easier. “you look like you can’t decide whether to kill or kiss me,” he remarked leisurely, a smirk on the edge of his lips that was so trademark Marauder.
A shallow laugh slipped past my lips, “those are not comparable options,” he shrugged, still smirking, “seem pretty comparable to me, question is, which one will you choose?” my hands clenched for a moment. “your survival instincts are shit,” he chuckled quietly, “they’re pretty good actually” he smiled wryly, “get plenty of a workout,” he’d clearly forgotten how good my hearing was considering the last bit had barely been uttered but I caught it anyway, eyebrow raised silently. “you should eat something,” he added as I scraped back my chair, my brain clouded over, not from blood lust but the man in front of me who was giving me a severe case of mental gymnastics.
…
I couldn’t decide which one of us was stupider.
Remus for letting me in, or me for not slamming the door shut when he had tried to enter.
Nonetheless he became a slow constant, small little acts that were easily missed, sharing a textbook with me when I had forgotten my own, partnering with me when Cassian was sick, appearing in the library when I was alone and keeping me company. Always without exchanging words, but always present. Even food appearing beside me at the Slytherin table, small pieces like a pile of grapes on the vine, a slice of bread I hadn’t taken, I would always look over to Remus, he would be already looking.
No judgement if I ignored the food, but studying eyes that noted it anyway, as though he was building his theory. “he never speaks huh? Just like a shadow,” Cassian noted, he had joined me in the library at a table far from the rest of the student body. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cassian rolled his eyes, as the subject of discussion slid into the remaining empty seat at the table.
“And here he is, brooding academic, really giving it his all, a great act,” Cassian drawled sarcastically, ignoring Remus’ raised eyebrow, “I can hear you,” Cassian shrugged, “was counting on it,” he smirked back to me, eyebrows wriggling suggestively as I rolled my eyes at the pair of them. Despite being wildly opposite, and never speaking, they seemed to have bonded in a weird comfortable silence, neither getting in the others’ way, just existing around each other quietly. For a second Remus’ eyes flicked to mine, his expression mild, he had been studying me for weeks, but in the quiet of the library his eyes looked conclusive, like he knew. I hoped he was wrong.
But if he thought he had figured me out, then I had my own wild card. I'd been studying him too, more intensely, spending hours poured into research, delving into books in the forbidden section, building and developing my own theory. I'd almost pieced it together, the way his heartrate was irregular then normal like it reset itself before falling but into its’ original rhythm. And he disappeared.
I hadn’t noticed originally, thinking the hospital wing had been a mere coincidence – stranger things happened in the castle walls – but there was a pattern to his disappearances. The days where his heartrate fell out of its normal rhythm, reboot itself to a semi-regular human heartbeat and then reset again were days he also disappeared. I hadn’t noticed before, writing it off as me having too much time on my hands – literally and metaphorically, but there was a definitive pattern, merlin I'd started tracking it in my journal. I was becoming obsessed.
But the pattern was clear, he would miss classes for three days, always coinciding with the moon being full. If asked, the marauders always made up some lax excuse, enough to placate the unwitting, not convincing for me, I was always listening after all. The same excuses, same half-baked reasons, but fundamentally always Remus absent. “you’re staring again,” Remus commented mildly, as Cassian let out a theatrical sigh, throwing his arms into the air dramatically. “I can’t do this shit anymore,” he muttered, collecting his books and leaving, I shot him a look, watching as he shook his head, “I need to smoke,” with that he disappeared leaving me and Remus alone in our deserted corner.
“you’ve never asked,” I whispered before I could stop myself, watching Remus’ quill still midsentence, “asked?” I tilted my head to the side to study him, “don’t play dumb Remus, it doesn’t suit you,” his eyebrow rose challengingly, “what would I need to ask?” I sighed quietly. “Never mind, I’m overthinking it,” I muttered, turning back to my own work, “I told you, I’ll figure it out,” I sighed quietly watching him lean back in his seat calmly, “I wish you wouldn’t,” he shrugged nonchalantly, “don’t always get what we want darling, but don’t worry, once I’ve figured it out I won’t run screaming,” I wouldn’t be so sure.
They all ran screaming eventually, maybe he was just delayed.
Several days later, Remus had disappeared again, Cassian had rolled his eyes when I'd voiced as such in the great hall, able to hear the shitty excuses being made by the marauders once again. A similar excuse to last time. “well done Sherlock, another case closed, says Watson,” I reached across the table to smack Cassian who dodged easily. He loved that I had to be slow when in public. “when did you last see him?” Cassian shrugged, chomping down on a crispy piece of bacon, “shouldn’t you be more worried about your lack of cranberry juice?”
I said nothing, my eyes still roaming the Gryffindor table, “four days ago,” Cassian finally answered after several beats, and several more pieces of bacon. “let’s go we’ve got potions,” I said finally, leading the way down to the dungeons, my mind still on Remus’ disappearance. Four days was unusual, it had always been three, the full moon had long since passed, if I wanted to dwell on it, Cassian didn’t let me.
Shuffling us into the dungeons and to potions, before going to his desk while I went to mine, the stool beside me woefully empty. I had tuned out the heartbeats once more, partially listening to the professor, knowing I likely had several centuries of repeating potions classes to allow myself to zone out just once. “sorry I'm late, professor,” a voice stirred me from my thoughts as Remus slid onto the stool beside me, my head whipping too fast to look at him, Remus said nothing, taking out parchment to begin scribbling down the recipe for the lesson.
I hadn’t even bothered, and watched him instead, his face was paler than before, like something had been physically ripped from him while small scratches and cuts decorated his arms from where his sleeves had been shoved to his elbows. “you’ve been gone,” I murmured pointlessly when at long last we were allowed to begin our potions, “yes,” he replied noncommittedly, already pulling out the cauldron and dispatching me to fetch ingredients. The pieces were slowly falling into place. The cauldron was already bubbling by the time I returned, carefully dropping in the first ingredient, using my cloak to shield my hand from the spits of bubbles. Not that they’d have done much, any burn would heal, just slower than a regular vampire.
“I’ve been thinking,” Remus began, “always dangerous,” I muttered lowly, dropping in another ingredient as Remus began chopping the next one easily. “I’ve been thinking,” he repeated, voice lower, seriousness seeping into his tone, but whatever he had meant to say he didn’t get a chance, the knife slicing neatly across his palm as he hissed out lowly. My eyes widening at the sight, blood leeching slowly from the cut, warm and thick, the scent hit me first. Sweet, sultry, like it was trying to seduce me.
My hand immediately clamped over my face, if anyone had been watching I could lie and say I hated seeing blood. Every nerve ending in my body had woken up, even though my clamped hand the scent wafted towards me, inviting me to do something that would fuck up everything. My other hand caught hold of the desk, gripping the edge tightly, my nails digging downwards, the wood creaking and then cracking faintly, my eyes shut but I knew it was there.
His heartbeat reaching new speeds, the scent of blood engulfing me, “y/n” his voice cut through the screams raging in my head. Cassian had been right, I hadn’t had my cranberry juice in a while, and my body was aching, aching for just a tiny drop, it wouldn’t be so hard. I could feel myself leaning closer, trying to pretend I was concerned, head and heart colliding in one messy go. “y/n” my eyes flickered up to his, confirmation visible as one hand remained clamped over my mouth, the other still clutching the table.
The confirmation was one thing, but there was something else lurking back there, a sense of calm assurance that I in no way deserved. “it’s alright,” he murmured carefully, voice quiet as he summoned a handkerchief to press to the cut, the blood flow slowly stemming as his heartrate slowed deliberately slow, like he was trying to will me to keep control. Control I wasn’t sure I had. “I’m okay,” he reiterated slowly, his eyes full of trust as he looked down to me, trust I didn’t earn.
It did nothing to calm me, my grip tightening on the table as another piece of wood shattered beneath my grip. “you’re bleeding,” my voice barely above a whisper, “I’ll survive, had worse,” I shook my head, wishing he understood just how precarious this was. How at risk he was. He might not have been normal, maybe odd or strange, but he was fragile. Fragile in a way I was not. “you need to go,” he said firmly, his eyes willing me to go, “but your hand- I- I can’t,” I spluttered and stuttered as he shook his head, “you need to go,” he was imploring me, as I nodded slowly.
My eyes casting across the room to Cassian who was now studying us with concern, “I won’t hurt you Remus,” I sounded like I was promising him. In reality I was trying to promise myself. Give myself something to latch onto. “I know you won’t” he smiled slightly, answering my silent question, “you’re still restraining yourself,” his expression levelled, face turning serious, “now go, you need to,” I nodded, finally taking his advice. Giving him one last look as I forced one foot in front of the other to the classroom door, refusing to look back and question just how close I'd come to fucking it all up.
...
The first place I went to was of course the hospital wing. Where else was there for a fucked up little hybrid to go? I didn’t look back at the dungeons as I went, letting my feet carry me to the double doors which I all but flew through – literally, doing away with human speed to get to Madame Pomphrey office extra quickly. The ward was silent, bathed in the same sunshine it always was during the daytime, pure silence echoing all around as my feet barely touched the ground till I was outside the office, my fist rapping firmly against the wood.
“take a seat,” Madame Pomphrey was already walking towards the store cupboard as I nodded meekly, the image of blood dripping for Remus’ hand playing in front of me like a highlights reel of one of the worst moments of my life to date. I was an idiot, that much was obvious, I shouldn’t have gone so long without visiting the hospital wing, and it had put Remus in danger as a direct result. What a moron I was.
Madame Pomphrey came bustling back out of the cupboard as I sat stiffly on the edge of one of the beds, taking the glass of blood from her without argument, not even bothering with a straw and instead gulping back half the glass in one go. “near miss?” she asked, there was no judgement, there never was but I couldn’t be so kind to myself, “bad one,” I whispered, hugging the glass to me like it would somehow remove the last hour of my life from my memory.
The blood was bitter, I hadn’t noticed it the first time but the second gulp confirmed, it was gloopier, tarter, “it’s not human if that’s what you’re wondering,” her voice cut through my inner monologue, “but it is different,” my voice was still barely above a whisper. “it is,” she agreed noncommittedly, “sit back,” I didn’t argue, watching her over the rim of the glass before shuffling up the bed, slipping off my shoes and tucking myself under the blankets I was incredibly well acquainted with.
“you have to stop pushing yourself so hard, you’re no use to anyone when you’re this low,” Cassian’s words from the train echoed through my mind, I'd got away with a lot of near misses, but I hadn’t had anyone watching. Remus was now watching, and we were growing ever closer to my secret being firmly out in the open.
The next few hours were spent staring up at a ceiling, drawing patterns in the decaying bits of ceiling tile, my mind still racing but no longer at the speed of a supersonic jet. I heard him before he entered of course, his heartrate was a dead giveaway, I didn’t bother to watch the doors for his entry, I could practically track him through his heartrate which was an admittedly creepy thought. “hiding?” his voice cut through the silence, Madame Pomphrey thankfully remaining in her office, “drinking juice,” I remarked flatly holding aloft the glass of blood like it was a sacrificial lamb.
“So, are we going to talk about that?” his eyes flickered from between the glass to my eyes, “do we have to?” I was resigned to the fact we would talk about it sooner or later but that didn’t mean I was thrilled at the prospect, he shrugged, taking a seat at the side of the bed like he had all the time in the world. “well, you’ll be glad to hear I’ve figured out what you are,” I scoffed quietly, “after that little performance I don’t think there is a way in hell I could deny it,” he nodded in silent agreement.
His heartrate was still irregular like normal, but it was weaker than usual. I hadn’t noticed originally, too wrapped in finally seeing him again even if he was littered in scratches but in the silence of the hospital wing it was easy to tell. Four days of whatever wolfy things he did, had ruined him, he hadn’t fully recovered and yet he had come to class. We were as stupid as each other.
“And to address your earlier statement, I'm not sure you knowing what I am is exactly a good thing,” I was still waiting on him to run screaming and I wouldn’t have blamed him for it either. “I'm not running screaming,” I looked away from him, “they all say that” it had been drilled into me from a young age, and I couldn’t forget the look of absolute calm on his face as blood trickled, while I fought back every urge, held back against my body screaming at me.
“But I guess we’re even now, I figured out what you are too,” his face was blank, eyebrow raised, “you’re not running screaming,” I shrugged, “one of us is worse than the other if we are being honest.” His eyebrow rose further somehow, “you think because you don’t eat, don’t breathe properly, your heart does nothing, and because blood has an effect, you are more dangerous and somehow worse than me? Is that what you think?” I turned to face him, my eyes holding his, “that is exactly what I think.”
He shook his head like an exasperated professor dealing with a particularly stupid student, “and what am I?” I said nothing for a moment, he hadn’t outed me by name, I didn’t deserve that sort of kindness, but I would repay it. “You disappear on full moons, come back covered in scars, you have to take vials of potions to recover, your heartbeat is unlike anything I have ever heard before,” he said nothing, instead extending his hand out onto the side of the bed, hovering just beside mine. Offering without taking. Silently I took his hand in mine, the warmth automatically filling my senses, settling in a dangerously calm way that I couldn’t recall feeling since becoming immortal.
“you should be more careful Remus, I could’ve…” the words ‘kill you’ were on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t force them out, “you could’ve hurt me,” he filled in as I nodded, it didn’t have the same impact but it did the job, “it’s a good thing I can handle it then.” He said it so simply, like it was the end to all our problems and not the beginning. It felt almost easy to admit to what I was, in the silence of the hospital wing away from onlookers it seemed simple.
The office door crashed open as Madame Pomphrey came bustling through, “I should’ve guessed my two worst patients would fall in love,” she had a cheeky smile on her face as both Remus and I leapt apart, my cheeks tinting pink even in spite of a lack of way for that to happen. The moment well and truly replaced with something far more awkward and embarrassing than admitting to being a hybrid. If that was possible.
…
I knew before it happened, I had taken to marking my calendar.
I was also out of bed but that was a technicality.
And I wasn’t really a fan of rules anyway – if you had immortality what was a rule break or two?
I'd been listening to his heartbeat from my dorm, it was easy to pick out I was so attune to it, but something had shifted. In the silence of night, where the only noise was the castle shifting, his heartrate stood out. Far from its’ usual irregular rhythm it was suddenly louder, a lot louder. Like it was roaring into the wilderness. I slipped through the darkness, launching myself into one of the trees to crouch on a branch with a clear view of the shrieking shack, the name suddenly making all too much sense.
There was none of the control to the heartrate or the shouts that echoed from inside the hut, it was so unlike the Remus I knew. It was a completely different side to him in fact, a dangerous side that I had put together but now witnessing it, all the pieces fell into place perfectly. Now I could hear it, he was right, I wasn’t the only dangerous one, just dangerous in a very different way. He was alone, I knew that much, no other heartrates were audible, only his and his shouts of agony.
He had no power over it, and there was no one with him, I could only wonder where the marauders were. I sat on the branch for a while longer until the shouts subsided and all I could hear were pants, silently I dropped down to the floor, landing easily before slowly walking to the edge of the forest. At the very edge was a large brown wolf, fur gleaming under the moonlight, eyes raw. For once I was at a loss for words as I approached slowly, my feet crunching on the forest floor.
“We meet again,” I murmured softly, lowering myself to the floor, watching the wolf’s eyes focus on me, before padding over to me. “You shouldn’t be out here alone,” I murmured as the wolf grew closer, stopping just in front of me, eyes screaming ‘neither should you,’ I smiled softly, settling fully on the floor, crossing my legs underneath me.
Before patting my lap, “come here Remus,” the wolf held back for a moment, as though questioning if he should, I patted my lap again, watching with quiet relief when he padded over to me, dropping to the floor, head in my lap as I ran my fingers through his fur. “I guess I know what you are, and well, you know what I am, but just in case,” before I could talk myself out of it, I flashed my fangs at Remus, waiting for his wolf form to spring away, “you’re not running,” I mused, letting my fangs slide away as he settled in my lap.
I could almost feel the weight of his eye roll.
“I know you said you wouldn’t run, but things change when people see the fangs, or hear that I'm immortal,” with him unable to respond it was easy to let it all out in the open. “people like me… we don’t get to keep the nice things in life,” I willed my voice not to crack, “it happened last year, becoming immortal, I'm a hybrid you see, though I assume you figured that out already, I'm not really alive or dead. I'm not really anything,” tears began streaming down my face, dampening Remus’ fur, as I tried to wipe it away, he straightened up, wrapping me in a wolfish hug, head rested on my shoulder.
“you’re a great listener when you can’t talk back,” I felt the warmth of a laugh rumble through him, “but yes, I'm not alive or dead, I call it limbo, I drink blood, but you know that too, I won’t age now, every model’s dream,” my laugh was humourless. “I really like you Remus, like really like you, and I'm not allowed to like people, not how I like you, because I can’t keep you, and I want to, I want you so much it hurts,” Remus had settled back in my lap, laying on his back, eyes so deeply human holding mine as I brushed my fingers through his fur. I had no idea how long we stayed there like that, but eventually at some point, the fur disappeared and instead appeared a scar covered Remus, scratches littering his face, “come on,” I murdered scrabbling to my feet as Remus sat up slowly.
“where are we going?” he groaned out, eyes squinting in the darkness, “hospital wing, you’re long overdue,” I left no room for arguments, hauling up in one swift movement watching his eyes expand as I bit my lip to hide my smile. “super strength?” I nodded nonchalantly, looping his arm round my shoulder, “you are like a feather in my world,” he scoffed quietly but made no argument as we made our way back to the castle and to the hospital wing.
Madame Pomphrey was waiting in the doorway expectantly, eyebrow raising when she saw Lupin being hauled along by yours truly, “well this is a new sight,” she commented, ushering us in and to the bed closest to the office next to the one I usually took. “First time for everything,” Remus muttered wincing as he collapsed onto the bed while Madame Pomphrey produced the potion vials, giving him a silent look as he began knocking them back. I said nothing, taking the seat beside the bed, offering a grateful smile when a glass of blood appeared next to me.
The wing was cold at night, and practically empty yet again. Maybe other students had stopped getting injured, that or they had given up going to the hospital wing. “I trust you can behave tonight,” with a final look she disappeared as I glanced to Remus, “don’t think she needs to worry,” he offered a weak smile, collapsed against the pillows. “you’re not afraid of me, are you?” I questioned as he patted the spot beside him on the bed, I swallowed down a gulp of blood before squeezing next to him, his arm dropping comfortably around my shoulders, “not even slightly.”
He confirmed, his skin was warm against mine, practically hot like a radiator, “you’re incredibly cold,” he commented as I shuffled away only be tugged closer to him, “I didn’t say I didn’t like it.” the sound of rain tapped away on the roof as we lay there, his heartrate still uneven and severely weakened but beating, I'd take the win. “You didn’t hurt me back in the classroom, you’re not as dangerous as you think you are,” before I could argue back he placed a finger to my lips, “it’s your turn to listening.”
A small smile tugged at the edge of his lips when I did as commanded and didn’t ague back, “I could hurt you just as easily you know, you might not view yourself as breakable but I could still hurt you physically, if I lose control it doesn’t matter who is in the way, everyone becomes breakable.”
The words hung over us as he sheltered me in his arms even though it was me who should’ve been looking after him, “I know exactly how you feel, like you are the biggest liability in the room and the oddity at the circus all at the same time, to feel like something is wrong with you in such a way that you are a problem.” His hand smoothed down the hair on my head before propping his chin on it, he knew, he got it. Not entirely human, not entirely the other thing, not entirely safe. All these not entirelys.
I relaxed into him, careful to avoid the worst scars, “you get it,” he made a sound of agreement, “trust me,” “I do trust you,” I whispered softly. “And as for timelines? Have you ever looked into the lifespan of a werewolf? We aren’t known for being easy to get rid of,” I twisted to face him, my eyes widening in surprise, “in fact we’re very difficult to get rid of, so you don’t have to worry about that, and we don’t age like humans either, we’re on a pretty unique timeline too, but we can come to that if you’re fed up of me fifty years from now.”
I felt a distinctly human warmth spread through me as I gazed up into his eyes, “you’re really not scared of me, are you?” he scoffed quietly, “you could spend a dozen millennia practicing and I still wouldn’t be,” with that his lips lowered slowly to mine, distance closing inch by inch, I felt the faintest of smiles on his lips as he carefully moved against me, his hand cupping my face as he took my breath away.
The happy ending :)