Archive of Our Own

It was a kind little thing, knowing what you are to someone. Surviving every day and knowing exactly what you’re worth to whoever you’ve got left. It was a small comfort in the end of the world, and one Ellie has never really given a shit about. 

She’d never known what to call Marlene, sure as hell not a parent but not exactly a friend and definitely not a stranger. She’d kept Ellie alive as far as she knew after passing her off to the orphanage. She’d gotten the impression that Marlene cared about her in some way, even if she was the one who left her on FEDRA’s doorstep. She’d thought that Marlene having known her mother and the whole not wanting her dead thing meant she had to care. But then Salt Lake City had to go and prove her wrong.

Maybe she didn’t have the right to resent Marlene as much as she did considering it was her insistence that led her back to the Fireflies, but it still felt pretty shitty being strapped to a hospital bed knowing that the only adult she sort of trusted for thirteen years was the one directing her organized agony.

She had never given a fuck about putting labels on relationships that all seemed to fall apart anyway. So no, she didn’t care what she was to Marlene—she doubted she was anything but a brain to be examined, really— just like she hadn’t cared about what the FEDRA officers kicking her around as a kid thought about her. It didn’t fucking matter at the end of the day. The nice ones never stayed nice, and if they did they either died or ditched her altogether. That rule seemed to apply pretty nicely to the rest of the world too.

But then came the weeks of tests and syringes and scalpels, strange hands poking and prodding and hurting her until she couldn’t take it anymore. Weeks of having her blood drawn and machines stuck to her skin and drugs that made her sicker than she’d ever been being pumped into her veins.

Then came the torture of endless experiments, doctors tearing her apart and stitching her back together just to cut her open again, torture that she knew she wouldn’t have survived if not for Joel’s hand remaining steadily in hers, and suddenly it bugged her.

Even while miserable and exhausted and in more pain than she knew how to suffer, she couldn’t help but marvel at the steadfast presence beside her. Joel had done his piece- a hell of a lot more than he had to, actually, more than anyone else would have- and could’ve gone on his merry way. She was terrified for a while that he would, that he was working up whatever courage it took to leave her high and dry when he stared off at nothing in that hospital chair. 

It was one of their first nights in the hospital that she woke to an empty chair and all her fear and pain boiled over hard and fast. She’d screamed for him in a way she hadn’t known herself capable of.

“JOEL!” She cried out with everything her aching body had left to give.

Over and over again, even as Fireflies stormed her room and tried in their own twisted way to console her. 

“Stop! Joel- Where’s Joel?” She demanded, thrashing and kicking and biting any unfamiliar hand that got too close. She couldn’t really hear their words or make out their faces, but she knew none of the figures looming over her in the dark hospital room were him. “Joel!” She screamed, throat raw and aching and doing absolutely nothing to distract from the pit in her stomach.

She exhausted her vocal cords until she couldn’t scream over them anymore, and the voices of the doctors came flooding into her foggy, miserable head.

“—happened?”

“—where did her—“

“—what does she want?”

And because pride seemed a stupid thing to care about in the face of being abandoned by the only person she thought she could trust, she sobbed, “I want Joel!”

One of the blurry faces cursed under its breath and ordered something of another while she sat there, crying like a child and clinging desperately to the armrest of the chair he was supposed to be in. She’d thought she would be able to stomach it, she’d been on her own for pretty much her whole life after all, but this— the cold, scratchy fabric stretched over subpar cushioning, devoid of any of the warmth she’d gotten so used to finding in it— this would surely kill her. 

She’d known she would be scared and she knew she would hate it but god she couldn’t go back to a life with nothing but threats and enemies and no Joel to have her back and no Joel to scold her for being reckless and no Joel to hold her hand when doctors wanted to chop it off. She couldn’t do this. She wouldn’t survive the hospital without him and she wouldn’t survive outside without him. 

The only thing that came close to this was Riley and at least Riley hadn’t fucking wanted to leave her. At least Riley didn’t up and walk away without even saying goodbye. At least Ellie knew exactly what had torn them apart. At least she knew who pulled the trigger. 

He didn’t even say goodbye. She was pretty sure the last thing she said to him before falling asleep was “fuck off, old man” and he’d rolled his eyes with no smart remark to offer in return and suddenly she wanted to throw up.

What was the last straw? What had she said? What had she done? Why didn’t he just fucking say goodbye?

Amidst her steady hysteria, she heard something about sedation and suddenly her vocal cords were pretty fit for a second round of screaming her damn head off.

“JOEL!” She cried, pleading with nobody to come and help her, to save her, to protect her-

There were four sets of hands holding her down and a syringe a quarter inch from her vein when the door slammed open.

“What the hell are you doing to her?” Joel demanded and he sounded so fucking pissed but just hearing his voice was such a relief that her rage dissolved back into pure, tearful desperation.  

She felt no sympathy for the doctor with the syringe that got slammed against the wall. It was his own fault for being in Joel’s way when he needed to get to her.

“Sir, she was acting aggressively, we had to-“ One unfortunate soul was stupid enough to speak up, only to choke on her words the second Joel’s eyes were on her. 

“You had to come fuckin’ get me is what you had to do! What the hell were you tryna give her? The hell were you thinking holding her down while she’s screamin’ like that?” He roared and Ellie couldn’t help the way it made her cry harder. Not because she was scared and not because it was loud, but because it was for her sake. From the moment they’d arrived at the hospital, he’d been a very vocal (and kind of violent) advocate for her around each and every turn. 

And it all sorta clicked into place, looking at him through her tears and seeing just how goddamn angry he was on her behalf. 

He cared. 

He cared enough to send doctors to the floor the second they overstepped her boundaries. He cared enough to sleep sitting up most nights so that she could hold his hand. He cared enough to look stricken by the sobs tearing out of her, his expression a mangled combination of guilt and sympathy and something inherently Joel she couldn’t quite place but had only gotten more visible over time.

“All of you get out. I’ve got her now, leave her be,” he ordered stiffly, fighting to force his voice back down to its usual volume. The Fireflies went quickly and without question, sparing Ellie precisely zero glances as they fled that shitty fucking hospital room. 

The second the last Firefly was out, Joel snapped the door shut and was back at her side, leaning over her in that cautious way he did whenever she was overwhelmed, unsure of whether or not she needed a hand to hold or a mile of space between anything else that breathed. 

“Joel-“ she choked out, not even having the energy to feel foolish as she reached for him. Joel looked a little rattled by the way she was clinging to his shirt, but he didn’t resist being tugged closer.

“I’m here, I’m right here, I’ve got you,” he whispered, hesitantly placing a hand over the one clutching his chest and rubbing his thumb across her knuckles. “You’re okay, babygirl, I’ve got you.”

Babygirl, she repeated it vaguely through her delirium. He’d said it once before, when he found her in the rubble of a burning building, hunched over a corpse that was more sludge than it was man. She hadn’t really processed it back then, nor had she allowed herself to think about the winter too much at all since those days had passed.

But now she was half sitting half lying in a hospital room with fists full of his flannel and wondering if he meant it, wondering if that’s why he came back.

“You- You weren’t there-“ she gasped, feeling a little pathetic now that the initial rush had passed her by. “I thought-“

“Shh, it’s okay. Everything’s alright now. Go on and take a deep breath for me, Ellie,” he soothed, continuing his careful strokes over her hand. She did her best to obey, sucking air in and choking on it and trying again. 

He held her steady, coaxing her hands away from his shirt and holding them firmly in her lap but staying right where she’d pulled him in. He stayed curled over her, letting her press her forehead to his chest until she caught her breath.

A fresh wave of unbidden panic tore through her the second he began to pull away.

“Easy, I’m not goin’ anywhere. Just gonna sit down so I can hold you better,” he assured her when her grip on his hands tightened and her breathing started picking up again. 

So I can hold you better, as if it was a given. As if that was something he always did. As if that was a comfort she could rely on. He said it so simply, like there was nothing else in the world he could ever think of doing in that moment.

She probably should’ve been more embarrassed about insisting on holding his hand as he made his way to the other side of the bed, sitting in his chair with an old person grunt and scooting it as close as it would go. He kept a firm hold on her hand as he opened his other arm to her, a silent and unassuming invitation to take whatever she needed from him.

With minimal hesitation, she released his hand and hauled her broken, aching body into his arms. She wrapped her hands around him and squeezed with what little she had left in herself, Joel returning the embrace with a gentleness she’d seen in him for months but never thought she’d ever get to feel. 

“I thought you left,” she whispered because Ellie had never been good at leaving well enough alone. But Joel didn’t get offended or frustrated or anything at all, he only cupped the back of her head and held her more securely against his shoulder.

“I ain’t leavin’ you,” he promised and maybe it was something about his voice or his hands or his presence that made her believe him. “Not now, not ever. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

“Where were you just now?” She cursed her own inability to keep her fucking mouth shut. Joel didn’t deserve the accusatory tone that ripped out of her on reflex. She didn’t want to fight, not him anyway, but even if she believed he wasn’t up and abandoning her there was still something terrifying about not knowing what had made her wake up alone.

“I was just downstairs. Remember that gift shop we passed by on our way up here?” he explained softly, running a careful hand up and down her back.

“Yeah…” she admitted quietly, the last of her tension slowly ebbing away with each whispered explanation. 

“I remembered seein’ some of them comics you like. Thought I’d snag what I could and bring ‘em back before you woke up.”

The bitter irony wasn’t lost on her. How ironic that all her hysteria was not only unfounded, but the result of him trying to do something nice for her. How fucked up that she hadn’t even considered that he would only be gone for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled and he immediately hushed her.

“Ah, none of that. Ain’t nothin’ to apologize for,” he schooled her gently.

She wanted to argue, to explain how fucked up it was that after everything he’d done for her she still assumed the worst of him the second she saw an empty chair. She wanted to apologize again and again and promise to never pull something like this again, to assure him that she’d gotten it out of her system and that she could handle herself and to please, please not leave her now that she’d made a fool of herself. She wanted to beg and plead and promise to be easy for him, to take care of herself, to never act like she needed him again, just in case he decided that taking care of her was too much. 

But she couldn’t seem to say anything at all when Joel kept smoothing his hand over her hair and holding her and whispering sweet reassurances she didn’t even ask for.

“I’ve got you,” he said for the hundredth time. “I ain’t leavin’ you. No matter what. I’m stickin’ by you no matter what, you hear me?”

Yeah, she heard him. 

She heard him loud and clear again weeks later, after countless tests and an equal number of hands held, when Marlene had burst into the room and told them that it was over. 

She’d cried then too, more relief than fear this time around, and Joel held her the same way he had that first night. 

The same man who had once looked at her with nothing but cold neutrality or open irritation had carefully wiped her tears and uttered soft praises with no lack of affection, and it really hit her for the first time how strangely natural it felt. She hadn’t really thought about how much their relationship had changed until that day. She wasn’t sure when the pissy old man bossing her around turned into just an old man, or when that old man turned into Joel or when he became her Joel. It wasn’t something she paid attention to because she hadn’t really thought it mattered.

But as Joel wheeled her out of the hospital (in what was decidedly a victory throne and NOT a wheelchair) and helped her into the passenger seat of a musty old truck and told her they were finally going back to Jackson with this bone-tired relief on his face, she decided that whatever she was to Joel mattered after all. It mattered a whole fucking lot.

Because whatever she was to him had earned her all these sweet little things while they were stuck in Salt Lake, and all those little things started making her believe stupid things—that she was important to him, that he liked having her around, that he…

In weaker moments, all those little things made her think that maybe he wanted her.

But then she’d remember those words. The way his voice had been colder than the day they’d met, when she was nothing but cargo for him to carry against his will. She’d gotten so used whatever it was they were until he went and said those stupid fucking words.

“You aren’t my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.”

And suddenly, on the drive to somewhere that she wanted more than anything to call home, nothing made sense anymore.

***

Jackson wasn’t like anything else she’d ever experienced.

It took a long time for her to get used to the concept that she was actually safe somewhere. Safe from infected and safe from FEDRA and safe from Fireflies who wanted to stick needles in her brain. It felt a little too good to be true, the most damaged parts of her soul refusing to get accustomed to something that would surely be ruined the second she let her guard down.

The strangest part of it was living with Joel.

She’d overheard Tommy’s summary of the community the first time they’d come around Jackson. When she’d pitched a fit after Joel tried to dump her on his brother and said those awful, honest words. There was something they called a foster system for orphan kids. A way for them to be adopted into families that participated, or at least get taken care of until they were old enough to get along on their own. A system for kids like her.

Because she was an orphan without a family or a mother or a father, all she had was her- her Joel, whatever the hell that meant. 

She half expected to be left on some unassuming asshole’s doorstep the moment they got through the gates, a burden for someone who actually wanted a kid and wasn’t stuck with one against his will after losing his real daughter. She’d spent their last few days on the road bracing herself for it, convincing herself that she’d be fine as long as Joel was still nearby. Even if he wasn’t in the chair beside her, even if he wasn’t just down the hall, even if he wasn’t in the same house, even if he wasn’t on the same street- as long as she could reach him somehow, she’d be okay. She had to be if she wanted to stay in his life at all.

But Joel hadn’t let go of her hand once they’d arrived in Jackson. Tommy didn’t breathe a word about foster care. Maria handed them a set of keys and called the house across the street theirs.

She’d followed their family quietly through the house, watching with a sort of feral caution as Tommy played tour guide, waiting for the moment he started addressing only his brother and ripped her away from the warm body keeping her upright, plopping her in the hands of strangers who wouldn’t know how to take care of her like Joel did. 

It never came, of course.

Joel was shouldering pretty much all of her weight by the time they’d gotten up the stairs, her traitorous body still brittle and drained from so many weeks of procedures she was never told the names of. It made her sick with anxiety being so burdensome to the one person in the world she wanted so badly to convince she was worth keeping around, even if he never complained. 

“Here we’ve got a room for the gremlin,” Tommy said and she definitely would’ve eaten shit if Joel hadn’t already been poised to catch her. “And across the hall there’s one for the old man.”

Joel rolled his eyes and made for her room first. Her room. Her room.

Ellie looked around in silent amazement at the small space. A bed with plain beige sheets tucked into the corner, far too small for someone like Joel or Tommy to fit into but bigger than any bed she slept in during her FEDRA days. A few shelves, coated in dust and devoid of anything other than two faded books she couldn’t make out the titles of, and a small desk to the right of where she stood. On the wall opposite the bed was a door, and Ellie briefly entertained the concept of having enough clothing to need a closet, something Joel told her teenagers used to consider pretty standard Before. 

“Well?” A gentle squeeze of her arm made her finally look up at him. He had this weird sorta hopeful look on his face as he asked, “Whatcha think? Good enough for your high standards?” Humiliatingly, she could feel tears pricking at her eyes.

“I guess so. Not like you can do much renovating with your old ass bones,” she managed a little sass, shoving her face into his side in a show of brattiness to disguise the need to hide how overwhelmed she was. Joel chuckled and held her shoulder gently, silently allowing her a moment to collect herself before moving from their spot at the door. The door to her bedroom. In their house.

***

A few months into life in Jackson, Ellie liked to think she was getting better at being fucking normal.

She’d finally gotten used to sleeping in her own room after so many nights of waking up terrified that the house would turn up empty, no matter how many times it didn’t. Joel came running—or more like stumbling, half-asleep as he usually was— each and every time she called for him, kneeling at her bedside and soothing her back to sleep, or carrying her back to his own room on the really bad nights, the ones where Silver Lake wouldn’t let her close her eyes for more than a minute at a time.

At first she’d argued against the whole sleeping in separate rooms thing, thoroughly used to the promise of protection that having him nearby offered. It didn’t make any sense to put herself in a whole other room when she was at her most vulnerable when Joel was so good at keeping her safe.

“You are safe, Ellie,” he’d told her gently when she’d begrudgingly admitted to disliking the separation. “Hell, I ain’t a fan of it either, but this sorta thing ain’t healthy.”

Ellie blamed Maria and her lecture about ‘codependency’ or whatever the fuck with a new ferocity when Joel tucked her in that night, another fight begging to cut loose from her lips. Who cares if they stay together? That’s their business and it’s worked pretty fucking well so far so why should..? 

The argument she was formulating melted into a whole lot of nothing at the gentle press of lips against her forehead. 

“I’m just down the hall,” Joel promised, smoothing back her hair like he always did, as if nothing bizarre had just occurred at all. And maybe Ellie was out of her goddamn mind, but she wasn’t crazy enough to hallucinate Joel kissing her forehead. Surely not.

He straightened up with his typical old man huffing and puffing, and maybe Ellie would’ve commented on it if she didn’t feel so strangely warm.

“Night, Ellie,” he called softly from her door once he was sure she wouldn’t be jumping back up.

“Night, Joel,” she mumbled, settling back against her pillow in a stunned bout of complacency. 

That was the first night she slept through without issue. Goodnight kisses became routine after Joel realized she only slept through on nights he gave them out. Neither of them acknowledged the change, mutually relieved to have a problem finally solved.

After sleep stopped being a major problem for her, however, Ellie was immediately met with a replacement problem. The replacement problem being Joel’s overbearing brother. His overbearing brother that insisted on referring to himself exclusively as ’Uncle Tommy’.

The kisses were already enough to have that familiar anxiety resurface, those questions about what she meant to him, but she’d been ignoring it well enough until she’d first heard that title.

“There she is! You been avoiding your Uncle Tommy or something?” He’d greeted her when Joel sent her across the street to fetch his brother and his wife.

“What?” She’d choked out, a little scandalized by the self-afforded nickname.

“Oh relax, I’m only teasin’,” he sighed, waving his hand in a dismissive way that kinda pissed her off. “Joel ready for us now?”

“Yeah,” she spat, unapologetically rude, and turned right back around, making a beeline for her own house without looking to see if they were following. 

‘Uncle Tommy’ implied that she was his niece, and in turn that would make her Joel’s…

“You aren’t my daughter.”

Her stomach twisted uneasily as she slammed the door behind her, leaning against the wood as if she could keep those dangerous thoughts out as easily as she could keep out Joel’s stupid brother. 

“Everything alright, kiddo?” Joel rounded the corner from the living room, one of those papers still in hand. Those papers were the reason Tommy and Maria were coming over to begin with. Something about getting their residency officially sorted now that they’d settled in. 

“Yeah, they should be on their way,” she reported and quickly slipped past him. Before he could stop her and fuss like he always did whenever she acted even a little bit upset, the front door swung open again because apparently ‘Uncle Tommy’ didn’t need to knock. 

The adults fell into a conversation she tuned out while making for the stairs, but she paused when she caught sight of the baby table (a coffee table Joel calls it even though there isn’t any fucking coffee on it) littered with documents in messy piles. She glanced back at the door, found Tommy with Joel in a headlock, and decided it was safe to sneak a peek at what they said.

“Just a buncha boring old man things,” Joel had told her when she’d asked. When she insisted on being in on whatever the fuck he was signing, she’d stopped listening about two minutes in. All that shit about councils and residency and insurance and whatnot sounded like a whole lotta shit she didn’t need to remember. “Told ya,” he’d said smugly when her eyes glazed over. 

Still, curiosity got the best of her and she leaned over the first pile to see-

RESIDENT: Ellie Miller

AGE: 15

SEX: Female

DATE OF BIRTH: June 6th, 2019

PARENT/GUARDIAN: Joel Miller

There was a bunch of shit filled out after that but she was preoccupied by her own name on the first line. Specifically the part where it was followed by Joel’s last name in his familiar, messy handwriting. 

Joel knew her last name was Williams. This wasn’t just him not knowing what to put or a placeholder or something like that. There were no eraser marks or shaky lines- he’d meant to write it that way.

Ellie Miller. 

She went upstairs when she heard Tommy getting shoved into the wall, shutting herself in her room and wondering what the hell she was supposed to do with this information.

***

Ellie had eventually come to the conclusion that Joel was just letting Jackson assume they were related to save them the trouble of explaining their dynamic to strangers. Letting people assume they were father and daughter would prevent any eyebrows from raising at their custody arrangement and guarantee that she got to continue living with her Joel. That was all it was, and that was all she needed. 

But then there was Tommy and his fucking uncle bullshit. The day he said it in front of Joel, she just about lost it. 

They were having lunch ‘as a family’ Tommy liked to say, him and Maria on one side of the table with her and Joel on the other. Actually eating in the dining hall was a new step for them— her mind still went all fuzzy and blank with too many unknown people around, no matter how hard she tried to just get the fuck over it— and as obnoxious as it could be at times, she knew Tommy was doing his best to make it enjoyable for her. Mostly by tormenting his brother for her entertainment. 

She was still a little wary of Tommy and Maria, but she could definitely appreciate the efforts they made to make adjusting to life in Jackson easier for her. They didn’t baby her, if anything Joel was the smothering one, but they also carried this open affection for her that she wasn’t quite sure what to make of. Their care for her was so simple and, in her opinion, unwarranted. What had she ever done to make them so determined to make her smile in all these stupid little ways?

It was working, she had to admit. Whenever the stress of the dining hall made her go quiet, they didn’t question her. When Tommy and Maria gathered their plates for them, they put the meat on a separate platter just in case she couldn’t stomach it that day. When a sudden noise had her huddled up against Joel, they found a distraction to keep her grounded long enough to empty her plate at least halfway.

That day wasn’t any different. It was better than most, in fact. The dining hall was mostly empty, their group having shown up in the late morning, before most of Jackson found its way over to the cafeteria for lunch. But a broken glass had her on edge in place of a crowd, pressed into Joel’s side and looking at her food more than eating it. Tommy’s solution, of course, was to start throwing shit at his brother unprompted. Maria had abstained from tossing peas at Joel, but hadn’t intervened when Ellie and Tommy had formed an alliance in their one-sided food fight. 

“Tommy, would you quit that,” Joel grumbled after several minutes of silently accepting each ambush, saying nothing of Ellie’s very unsubtle participation in said ambushes.

“What do you mean?” Tommy asked innocently and launched another pea square between Joel’s eyes, knowing damn well he wouldn’t duck to avoid it and risk jostling Ellie.

“You’re beggin’ for a beating, little brother,” Joel growled, making a half-hearted grab across the table for his arm. Tommy simply leaned back with an easy grin, flicking another pea his way with Ellie stifling a laugh. 

“Who me? I’m just bein’ a fun uncle, while you’re actin’ like a stick in the mud.”

Of course he said it now, fucking of course he did. Of course he had to go and run his mouth in front of Joel and throw everything off kilter the second things started feeling pretty damn good.

“The hell are you talkin’ ‘bout?” Joel scoffed and fuck- there it was. He was gonna shut Tommy down and remind everyone that she was decidedly not his kid, that they weren’t family, that Ellie didn’t belong to any of them and would never- “You ain’t fun, you’re a bad influence. Teachin’ your niece to be a goddamn pest.”

…what.

She glanced up at Joel and he wasn’t even looking at her, busy retaliating against his brother with a stab of his fork. 

“You’re just jealous she thinks I’m funnier than you,” Tommy accused, snatching his hand away just in time to avoid losing a finger. 

“Keep it up and you’ll be feelin’ funny in the goddamn clinic,” Joel huffed and maybe it was just her imagination but Ellie swore he tugged her a little closer to his side.

So Joel agreed that Tommy was her uncle then. He called her his niece. Uncles are typically the brothers of a parent though and- and fuck, she was so confused.

Overwhelmed with a little bit of happiness and little bit of relief and a lot of something she couldn’t put a name to, she dropped her head onto his shoulder. Joel tightened his grip on her immediately and she felt the barest press of lips to the top of her head.

It was stupid to care this much, but god she really needed to know why he did that.

***

Life was pretty fuckin good until Joel started bringing up school. 

Ellie went to school. Wasn’t a fan. And seriously, what was the point of going through that shit again with the world being what it was? Was algebra gonna save her from a clicker? Was the scientific method gonna fend off hoards of runners? She thought fucking not.

But Joel was insistent. He started with casually mentioning the schoolhouse or talking about a teacher he’d met on patrol. Then it got a little more obvious that he was trying to get her on board before the fall and she wasn’t having any of it. Even after he explained how it would work and promised her over and over again that it wasn’t gonna be anything like the school she’d survived before, she just didn’t want to fucking risk it.

Despite her stubbornness and her best efforts at convincing Joel that math was fucking stupid, he still went and signed her up anyway. On some random fucking Saturday, he sat her down and told her he was meeting with her future teacher and she didn’t even get a say in it first.

They argued for a good long while, saying the same things back and forth with more and more frustration until eventually she resorted to cheap tactics. 

“If you want me to learn so fucking bad can’t you just do it instead of dumping me on someone else?” She spat, knowing the words were unfair and saying them anyway. Joel took a long, deep breath, face twitching in the way it did when he was trying not to show anything on it.

“Ellie, I ain’t qualified to teach you,” he reminded her for about the millionth time. “You need a proper teacher and a proper school.”

“I spent thirteen years in school, what more do you want?” she cried, shoving his hand away when he went for her hair like the dirty fucking cheater he was. He didn’t get to act all sweet and soothing when she was pissed at him, that was fucking unfair. “I know how to read and write and talk and count how many fucking infected are trying to kill me! Why are you putting me back there when I don’t fucking need it?!”

There was a brief pause where he didn’t reply, looking at her with a furrowed brow and something sad in his stupid eyes. 

“We’re not in Boston anymore, baby,” Joel murmured and Ellie cursed him and his fucking petnames and his newfound ability to win her over no matter how goddamn angry she was. “We’re in Jackson, and Jackson ain’t gonna be nothing like FEDRA was. Nobody’s gonna hurt you here.”

“I know that!” She hissed and she did, she just couldn’t make herself believe it.  

“Tell you what,” Joel began, offering his hand in a placating gesture. She took it without thinking and kept it there against her better judgement, letting him squeeze her fingers. “How ‘bout you tag along to the meeting tomorrow mornin’. If you get a bad sense ‘bout her, we’ll figure somethin’ else out. How’s that sound?”

Ellie gritted her teeth and glared at the floor, but Joel was tracing her knuckles with his thumb and she could just feel the hope he was looking at her with and it was getting harder to throw punches with each passing moment.

“Why can’t I just say I have a bad sense about school and be done with it?” She grumbled.

“I promise I won’t let it hurt you, Ellie. Just try for me, okay?” The ‘for me’ was a low blow and she had a feeling he knew it from how gently he said it. She scowled at him and tried her absolute best to not cave under the warm understanding written all over his stupid face. 

She failed.

“Fine…” she muttered sourly. Despite her sore attitude, she didn’t fight him as he gently pulled her into his chest, cradling her head against his shoulder.

“Everything’s gonna be just fine, don’t you worry.”  

With no lack of vitriol, she decided that she would be the judge of that.

.

“Mr. Miller! So glad you could make it!” an overly cheerful brunette woman greeted as they walked through the door of a cramped little office. She tucked herself a little closer to Joel when the lady turned that plasticky smile on her. “And hello there, Ms. Ellie!”

She glanced up at Joel warily, but he was busy nodding at the woman. “Good to meet ‘cha,” Joel returned politely. “Ms. Holly, was it?”

“Yes indeed,” she confirmed with a saccharine laugh that sent a chill down Ellie’s spine. It was unsettling being met with such flowery kindness by a stranger, something in her growing immediately convinced that this was some sort of trap that would get her locked up in solitary if she didn’t respond correctly. 

But Joel was right beside her, squeezing her shoulder and offering a gentle “Got somethin’ to say?” and he wouldn’t let that happen to her.

“…Hi,” she forced herself to nod in the lady’s general direction, clutching the back of Joel’s shirt like it was the only thing keeping him beside her.

“Hello, dear,” she laughed again, a little softer this time, then she released Ellie from her scary ass blue gaze. “Thank you for coming to our little parent-teacher conference, Mr. Miller. Shouldn’t take too long, just a little bit of paperwork and an opportunity for us to get to know each other before little Ellie joins my class.”

Part of her immediately bristled at being called ‘little’, while the rest of her just about flat-lined at the mention of parents. She snapped her neck up to look at Joel who was wearing a perfectly neutral expression.

“Alright, let’s get along with it.”

Right. She forgot. She already knew they were doing that- pretending to be a family and shit. 

The meeting was pretty fuckin boring, all things considered. Ms. Holly didn’t totally suck, which Ellie decided when she’d laughed at one of her puns, so maybe the whole school thing wouldn’t be so bad. Besides, Joel made it real clear that if anyone so much as breathed wrong around her, he’d take her right back outta there.

She allowed her teacher to shake her hand as they were getting up to go. “I look forward to seeing you in my class, Ellie,” she said sweetly, and Ellie nodded awkwardly, not really having much of a response. Then she turned and shook Joel’s hand. “I’ll make sure your daughter does just fine here, Mr. Miller, but if you ever have any questions or concerns don’t hesitate to reach out.”

Daughter.

“You bet,” Joel agreed and gave her hand a firm shake and a small smile.

The air outside had lost its morning chill when they descended the few steps outside the schoolhouse, side by side. She thought about asking. Asking if he heard what Ms. Holly said or if he thought it to be true. Maybe asking for him to say it himself just so she could know how it felt.

In the end, the walk home was silent. 

***

School ended up being not as terrible as she expected.

Ms. Holly was actually pretty cool. She didn’t get mad at her for asking questions or getting shit wrong, and it turns out solitary confinement and corporal punishment aren’t forms of discipline at non-FEDRA school. There was a rule against swearing which was pretty bullshit, but at least she wasn’t getting lashed with rulers every time she accidentally said fuck. Ms. Holly just told her not to without actually disciplining her at all which Ellie thought was a pretty shitty way of trying to enforce a rule, but then she was told that if she didn’t clean up her act they would call her dad. She started trying a little harder after that.

Normal school also apparently did this thing called recess where all the kids just sat around outside for half an hour. They weren’t allowed to leave the schoolyard though, so Ellie felt like it was a waste of fucking time, but she wasn’t gonna complain about it. At least they weren’t running drills and shit. She could stand around kicking rocks for thirty minutes a day if Joel really fucking wanted her to. 

Or at least she would’ve been able to stand it if she was left to her rock kicking. 

She’d spent the few weeks of school doing what the fuck school is for. Math and English and not fucking swearing. She barely talked to anyone, but it’s not like she was being a dick. If her classmates talked to her she responded. That was good enough. 

“Hey,” a strained voice interrupted her staring at a tree. She looked up to see a boy with a familiar face, but one she doesn’t remember ever interacting with. “You’re Ellie Miller?” She was too distracted by how weird his voice was, as if he was forcing it to be deeper than it naturally sounded, to be startled by the last name. 

“Yeah?” she answered, immediately standoffish because what fucking kid introduces himself like this while frowning like that?

“You’re Joel Miller’s kid then?” he demanded with a scowl. Ellie scowled right back, standing up from where she’d been seated on the steps and getting right in his face since he was clearly trying to pick a fight.

“That’s how last names work, isn’t it?” She replied evenly despite the fact that it was a total fucking lie. Not that this asshole deserved her life story anyway, but she didn’t want to blow her cover since Joel obviously didn’t want people knowing she wasn’t his kid. 

The boy in front of her grimaced and took another stop toward her. Ellie stood her ground even though he was a good half a foot taller than her. Whatever he was acting all pissy about wasn’t her fucking problem, and she wasn’t about to let him think he could talk to her any which way.

“Your dad took my dad’s patrol shift. Now he works nights because Tommy’s playing favorites,” he spat, voice dripping with accusations. Ellie scoffed, immediately confused as to how the fuck that was her or Joel’s fault, or how that even affected the brat in front of her.

“What, are you scared of the dark or something? Can’t sleep when daddy’s not home?” She sneered before she could think better of it.

“Wha- no! There’s a system for patrols here and Joel Miller fucked it up!” The boy hissed and she was both mildly surprised to hear him swear and amused by the way he lowered his voice when doing it.

“Who cares which shift goes to who? That’s a stupid thing to worry about,” she informed him calmly, crossing her arms in petty defiance.

“Easy for you to say! You and your stupid dad waltzed into our home and got handed what my dad spent years working for! Now he’s back to square one, and Joel is too much of an asshole to care!” He shouted and maybe she would’ve given a fuck about what he was saying if he hadn’t just insulted Joel to her face.

“Don’t you fucking talk about my dad!” She snapped and was about to shove him just for good measure when someone caught her wrist. 

Instinct overwhelmed her the second she felt unseen hands on her and she yanked her arm away, ducking to the side to escape whoever was behind her. “Don’t fucking touch me!” She hissed and whipped around, only to find a very disgruntled-looking Holly staring back at her.

“Or shit- I mean! Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t-“ she stumbled over her words, hot shame creeping up her neck at the look on her teacher’s face. It was one thing to be caught swearing at her homework or under her breath at lunch. It was something else entirely to scream it in her teacher’s face. Fuck she was in trouble now— they were gonna call Joel for sure and—

“No, you’re right, I shouldn’t have grabbed you like that.” To Ellie’s absolute shock, Ms. Holly sighed and lifted her hands in admission. “It just looked like things were getting a little heated between you two is all,” she explained, though her voice was still stern. “I didn’t mean to frighten you, but do try to fix your language, Ellie.”

She immediately wanted to argue that she wasn’t frightened—she just startled her is all— but she decided now probably wasn’t the time to push her shitty fucking luck.

“Sorry ma’am,” she muttered again, just to make sure she knew she meant it, looking down at the yellow leaves scattered across the pavement.

“Now why don’t you two explain what’s got feelings so high?” Despite the gentle phrasing it sure didn’t sound like a suggestion. Ms. Holly sat on the steps and gestured for them to join her. 

Through gritted teeth, Ellie obeyed, sitting on her left while fuckface over there sat on her right. Neither of them said a word.

“Alright Jeremiah, you first.”

Fucking bullshit was her first thought, and what kind of name is fucking Jeremiah? was her second. 

“I was just trying to introduce myself and she got all up in my face.”

“Oh that is some BS!”

“Ellie!”

“What?? I didn’t say it!” she defended and quickly switched to pointing at Jeremiah before Ms. Holly could bust her for doing nothing wrong. “He’s lying!”

The woman sighed and apparently decided the acronym wasn’t worth the effort. “Alright, settle down. What do you think happened?”

“It isn’t what I think happened, it’s just what happened,” she snarked and received a mild frown for her troubles. “He came up to me, asked if I was Ellie Miller, and then insulted Joel right to my face! Of course it pi- made me mad!” Ms. Holly still got a little startled every time Ellie referred to Joel by his name even if she never commented on it. It wasn’t anyone’s business if Ellie didn’t really want to make calling Joel her dad a habit considering he didn’t want to be her fucking dad.

“You call your dad by his first name?” Jeremiah balked, looking at her like there were mushrooms growing out of her ears because apparently he didn’t get the memo that it wasn’t his fucking business.

“What’s it to you?” she challenged, leaning over Ms. Holly antagonistically only to be gently pushed back down. 

“You didn’t call him that before,” he pointed out, looking more confused than anything. And fuck, she totally called him her dad, didn’t she?  

“Well it’s none of your damn business!” she shouted, angrier now than she’d been before.

“Okay, that’s enough! Both of you need to take some deep breaths. Jeremiah, you go sit under the trees, Ellie you and go take a walk inside,” she ordered and pointed them both in separate directions. “You’ll apologize to each other after recess, now go.”

“Why should-“

“How’s that-

“End of discussion! Go! Both of you!” she commanded and Ellie got up in a huff, doing as she was told but making sure everyone knew she wasn’t fucking pleased about it. She didn’t look back at either of them as she stomped her way back into the schoolhouse to pace up and down the halls for however many minutes were left of this stupid mandatory waste of time.

She ended up apologizing to Jeremiah which honestly pissed her off more than anything else about the whole ordeal. He did the same right after, but it sure as hell didn’t make them any less angry with each other. Ms. Holly apparently couldn’t see with those freaky blue eyes of hers, because she nodded after they spat out their apologies, patting both their shoulders.

“See? Not so bad! Do try to get along, okay?”

“Mhm.” Jeremiah glared at her.

“Yep.” Ellie glared back.

Ellie thought that was the end of it. That they’d spend the rest of the school year quietly hating each other from across classrooms and move the fuck on with their lives. She realized just how wrong she was about halfway through her walk home.

Something hit the back of her arm while she was walking and she just about flatlined when she turned to find the fucker following her home. He tossed another pebble at her with a childish glare, fifteen feet away, and too scared to throw something that could get him in trouble and too petty to leave her the fuck alone.

“What the fuck are you doing?” She demanded, trying with all her might to school the panic out of her features even as every instinct in her screamed at her to reach into her pocket and point her knife at his throat.

“Public road,” he muttered ominously and a wave of cold dread coursed through her body. He was just a kid, same as her, but he was also a man with a significant physical advantage over her and a personal vendetta against her name. She knew what men looked like when they wanted to hurt her, and she was staring one right in the face.

“You aren’t stupid enough to try anything,” she asserted and prayed it sounded more convincing than it felt leaving her lips.

“You shouldn’t fucking be here,” he growled with startling hatred.

“What’s your fucking problem man? I’m not the one who took your dad’s fucking job!” she snapped, finally giving up on keeping her head on straight. “Joel didn’t ask for that shift either, Tommy just gave it to him! It’s not his fault, and it hasn’t even got anything to do with me!”

“Tommy wouldn’t have given it to him if you never fucking came here!” Jeremiah spat with a ferocity that had her clutching the blade in her coat pocket. “Then you started coming to school and you act like you’re better than all of us!” Ellie actually scoffed at that.

“I’ve been minding my own business since the day I got here! You walked up to me and picked a fight with no fucking prompting, so forgive me if I don’t take it lying down to soothe your pathetic little ego,” she barked.

“You act like you’re better than this place even though we’re the ones keeping your shitty family alive!”

“Who the fuck is we? Last I checked you aren’t on the counsel, and you’ve been whining about your daddy’s patrols instead of your own.”

“We as in Jackson. We let you in here just so you could be all bitchy to everyone and stick up your nose when we try to be friendly!” That was the first thing Jeremiah had said that made a lick of sense. She sorta understood how her antisocialness could be taken that way, but it was also a real self-centered conclusion that didn’t earn much sympathy from her. She wasn’t snapping at people or picking fights or fucking following people home, so if her classmates got their own feelings hurt misunderstanding her silence, that wasn’t her goddamn problem.

“If this is you being friendly I’d say I’ve got good reason to stick up my nose to it,” she scoffed. “I never thought I was better than anyone here, but you’re doing a damn good job of changing my mind.” Jeremiah glowered at her, so much rage swimming through his murky gray eyes that Ellie was suddenly certain it would spill over, and she had the wild, terrified thought that maybe she should’ve kept her fucking mouth shut. 

Then, all at once, his anger slipped under a mask of smugness, a bitter, crooked smile twisting his ugly face.

“You’ve got a lot of confidence for what? A foster case?” Jeremiah sneered out of fucking nowhere. 

“I’m not a fucking foster case!” she lashed out immediately even though he was probably fucking right. And fuck, that shouldn’t hurt as bad as it did. The idea of Joel thinking of her as an orphan to deal with until she was old enough to kick out without any guilt. His foster kid, because there had to be a condition to his care for her, a guarantee that he could get rid of her at the drop of a hat. She was his temporary child.

“Nobody calls their dad by their first name,” he pointed an accusatory finger at her and she couldn’t fucking fathom why he was even talking about it.

“I do and it isn’t anyones fucking business!” she snarled and hated herself for it because Jeremiah was smirking like that was exactly what he wanted.

“Wow,” he drawled, staring at her with this infuriating wide-eyed look. “Touched a nerve, didn’t I?”

“Keep running your mouth and I’ll-“

“You’ll what? Stab me?” He challenged, looking pointedly at her right hand. Ellie hadn’t realized her blade was already half drawn. “Go ahead. What do you think’ll happen if you attack me? I was born and raised here. I have an actual family. My mom’s on the counsel. What do you think’ll happen when an orphaned charity case attacks a real Jackson kid?”

“Doesn’t matter to me,” she growled and pointed her knife at him with a defiantly steady hand. And fuck she’s terrified but her voice comes out low and steady and she means ever damn word as she pushes on, “Try anything with me and I’ll gut you like a fucking fish no questions asked. I survived long enough outside these walls and I’ll do it again, so don’t fucking test me.”

Jeremiah looked a little paler as he stared stubbornly at the blade pointed at his face, clearly shocked by the lack of leverage his threat had afforded him.

“You’re a crazy bitch,” he grumbled, taking a few cautious steps back.

“Yeah, Joel raised me that way,” she lied and it hurt her heart a little bit more. “Don’t ever follow me again unless you want your dick cut off.” She didn’t miss the sharp inhale it got out of him as he turned to go.

She kept her knife pointed at him until he was out of sight and clutched in her hand the whole way home. She took a different route, wandering in long circles just to make sure the same footsteps weren’t behind her for too long.

By the time she got home, the sun was lower in the sky than it ought to have been. 

“Ellie?” The mingled relief and concern in Joel’s voice nearly knocked her to the floor. “Ellie, is that you?”

She couldn’t bring herself to respond, standing in the doorway with her shoes untied and her backpack hanging off her shoulder and tears trapped just under her eyes. She listened to his footsteps on the stairs, moving faster down the rickety steps than she thought his brittle old knees were capable of. 

“Jesus kid, you tryna give me a heart attack?” he sighed once he’d rounded the corner and saw her standing there. It was so contradictory to everything she’d convinced herself of. She wasn’t his daughter and yet he seemed real bent outta shape over the late afternoon hour. She wasn’t his kid and yet he’d been worried the minute she’d failed to open the door when he expected her to. She wasn’t his and yet he couldn’t stand the idea of her not coming home.

She didn’t fucking get it. 

“Sorry,” she muttered and finally forced herself to move, kicking off her converse and letting her backpack fall to the floor with a dull thud. Her lack of an attitude had Joel softening immediately, a cautious hand reaching out with an open palm. She took it. Just as she always did and just as she always would. For as long as he offered it to her.

“You feelin’ alright, Ellie?” He asked softly and she wanted to bury her face in his chest and ask him why he’d let her, why he’d hold her close and let her cry and soothe her pain when he wasn’t responsible for her. Instead she scoffed and made a face at him.

“Just peachy, partner,” she snarked in a horrible imitation of his accent and suddenly she was wondering what it would’ve been like to have inherited it. 

“Somethin’ happen at school?” he ignored her sass, eyes roaming over her in an incredibly unsubtle manner as he checked for nonexistent injuries. When she failed to respond, he took her shoulder and squeezed it with his free hand. “Talk to me, Ellie.”

“It’s nothing, just some asshole in my class,” she sighed, staring resolutely at anything but him. “He didn’t hurt me or anything, he’s just a fucking dick,” she added quickly when the hand around hers twitched. Joel started fussing anyway, looking her over with more intensity now.

“What’d he say to you? Are you sure you’re alright? Lemme look at you-“

“Mother-henning,” she said, loud and flat and rudely interrupting. Joel gave her an unimpressed look.

“I think I’ve earned the right to fuss a little after you scared me half to death comin’ home an hour late,” he grumbled. “I just about marched down to that schoolhouse to drag your ass home myself.”

“Joel,” she huffed, exasperated and warm inside and so damn tired of being this confused.

“This boy givin’ you trouble, is he the reason you took so damn long?” he demanded, his grip on her hand tightening almost imperceptibly. Ellie groaned and pulled her hand back. He didn’t chase her, of course, but his frown still deepened.

“I said it’s fine Joel! I handled it. The problem is solved, I just had a shitty day and don’t need you badgering me about it!” she snapped and immediately regretted it, but she wouldn’t take it back. 

Joel seemed to work through something in his head before sighing again and straightening up in that huffy way he did.

“Alright then,” he said finally and he sounded more tired than frustrated. “Go on and do whatever angsty teenagers do, I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

She bristled slightly at the little jab, but was too grateful for the silent olive branch being extended to her to bite back. She doubted she’d be able to handle the dining hall right now, and she decided to just appreciate that she didn’t have to explain that. He just knew. He always fucking did. 

Ellie said nothing as she climbed the stairs and shut herself in her room. She sat with her back against the door, staring at nothing as she waited for these awful feelings to go away.

***

Ellie decided that she wasn’t gonna respond to anything Jeremiah said. No matter what bullshit flew out of his mouth, she was gonna ignore him. Eventually he’d get bored and just leave her the fuck alone.

Joel was watching her from across the table and Ellie pretended not to notice, shoveling eggs into her mouth and acting like everything was normal. Dinner had been silent last night, as had breakfast this morning. She was hoping Joel would let it be, but she wasn’t stupid enough to actually expect him to.

“You sure you’re feelin’ alright?” he finally broke the silence just as she was about to excuse herself. She huffed and polished off her plate, shooting him a mild glare as she chewed.

“Joel,” she said testily with her mouth full just because she knew how much it bothered him.

“You don’t have to go today if you don’t want to,” he offered, clearly attempting to sound casual but missing the mark by at least a mile. Ellie paused, finally looking up at him.

“You’re the one who insisted I go to school and now you’re suggesting I skip it?” she asked, half teasing and half curious. Joel sighed.

“I only want you goin’ if you’re feelin’ up to it,” he replied. It warmed her inside, the reminder of how much control he afforded her over her own life even when he didn’t have to. It loosened something in her, making her a little less reluctant to accept his concern.

“I am,” she decided with a nod. She had a plan on how to deal with Jeremiah, and skipping school was basically the same as admitting defeat, so the choice was obvious. Still, it was pretty fucking nice to have that choice, so she offered him a small, apologetic smile. “Thanks, Joel.” He smiled in return, his shoulders losing some of their tension. 

“As long as you’re sure,” he reiterated and Ellie rolled her eyes.

“Quit worrying so much, you’ll give yourself a heart attack,” she joked as she gathered her plate and stood from the table.

“I wouldn’t have to if you weren’t so good at findin’ trouble,” he grumbled.

“God forbid a girl has hobbies,” Ellie huffed. Joel didn’t dignify her whining with a response as he followed her back into the kitchen. 

They usually just did their own dishes— or Joel would shoo her out of the way when he was being particularly smothering— but she figured she could do this little chore to make up for being a little bit of a brat. She quickly got the water running and took Joel’s plate from him before he could say anything.

“I got it,” she asserted when Joel gave her a look. “Go do your crossword or you won’t have time to knit before your 7:00pm bedtime,” she said even though she barely knew what the fuck either of those things were.

“You and Tommy spend too much time together,” he grunted with an annoyance that didn’t match the gentle way he petted her hair. It was a tiny favor, all things considered, but it was her way of apologizing for last night, and his acceptance of it was his way of telling her it was okay.

She felt a little better about the whole situation by the time she was putting on her shoes. No matter what Jeremiah said about it, and no matter how badly she wished she had a name for it, what she had going with Joel was pretty fucking great. If she could just remember that, it should be easy to ignore him. 

“Try not to burn the place down,” Joel sighed as he sent her off with a gentle kiss to her hairline. 

“No promises,” she called over her shoulder as she ran off, resolutely ignoring the urge to ask him why he kissed her goodbye, to ask if it was because he loved her, to ask for just one more before she left just in case he decided to never do it again.

Just like that. Ignore the thoughts and ignore Jeremiah. It would be easy. 

***

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Joel didn’t teach you how to talk considering he never learned proper English himself.” 

And suddenly the plan was out the fucking window.

“He’s from Texas, dipshit. It’s an accent, he speaks English perfectly fine!” she snapped because for all her teasing, she loved his stupid accent, and nobody got to make fun of his cowboy-speak except for her.

“You sure don’t sound like you’re from Texas,” he pointed out with an incredibly punchable smile. 

“Ain’t that somethin’,” she sneered in her best Joel impression. 

“It must suck being so desperate for family that you’d defend an uncivilized asshole like him,” Jeremiah sniffed.

“It must suck being so fucking miserable that you have to make shit up about other people just to tolerate your own life,” she retorted.

“My life is pretty great. Both my parents are in it.”

“They have my deepest condolences.” 

“Save them for Joel. He’ll need them until you’re old enough to get rid of,” he snarled and she tried not to show just how deep it cut her.

“Why are you so fucking obsessed with my family? Do you seriously have nothing else to worry about?” she asked, half-genuine.  

“Because your family is fucking with mine,” he put air quotes around ‘family' just to be fucking asshole. 

“We haven’t done shit to you and you fucking know it,” she hissed.

“You guys are the reason my dad is exhausted every day again!” 

“I don’t even know who the fuck your dad is!”

“Jason Andrews! He led the morning patrols before Joel took his fucking shift!”

“Fucking who?” she scoffed because she’d literally never heard that name in her life. Jeremiah bristled. 

“God, you’re as inconsiderate as he is,” he grumbled.

“It runs in the family, what can I say?” She forced herself to smile even though lying like this made her feel sick to her stomach. 

***

Later that night— after Ellie successfully avoided another round of coddling by reciting the worst puns in her arsenal until Joel walked away— she found him in the living room with one of his shitty western films on the TV. 

“Why is it in black and white?” she’d asked incredulously the first time he’d rented a movie for himself. 

“It’s an old film,” he replied.

“Ah, so back in your day when colors hadn’t been invented yet.” That had earned her a pillow to the face.

She still didn’t understand the appeal of watching old movies with awful audio quality and even worse storylines, but she still ended up watching quite a few. Not because they were any good, but because there wasn’t a single movie in the world that was bad enough to keep her from seizing an opportunity to curl up on the couch and nap on Joel. Tonight was no different. 

She forgot what she’d even come downstairs for the second she noticed that the living room was illuminated only by the TV screen. It was always a little thrill, rounding the corner to find him already positioned to accommodate her inevitable company. He was leaned against the armrest of the couch with a pillow in his lap, and Ellie noted with a little rush of adrenaline that he lifted his arm to rest on the back of the couch the second he noticed her approaching, knowing right where she’d end up.

“What’re you watching?” she asked just to fill the quiet as she took up space that was rightfully hers, tossing her legs over his lap and tucking herself under his arm. Joel wrapped it around her with a grunt that sounded suspiciously close to a laugh. 

“Nothin’ you can appreciate,” he sighed as if it was some terrible flaw in her character. Ellie nodded sagely.

“Yeah, my mind isn’t old and withered enough to be entertained by this stuff,” she mocked, earning herself a gentle pinch on the cheek.

“Brat,” Joel huffed and Ellie only giggled, shifting to fit herself a little more securely against his chest.

She allowed herself to soak it in for a little while, to enjoy the way he held her without needing a reason to do so. She couldn’t remember when it  had become second nature for her to seek him out in this way, but he was yet to deny her a single time so she figured it didn’t really matter. No matter where they were or what they were doing, he always kept a conveniently Ellie-sized space right next to him. It was one of the things she loved most about their relationship. Whatever she was to him, it was important enough that she was always kept in mind.

“Hey Joel?” she spoke up once her eyes had started growing heavy and exhaustion made her bolder. 

“Hm?” he hummed questioningly, pausing his gentle strokes across her back. Ellie voiced her complaints about this via wordless grumbling and Joel obediently picked up the motion again. She felt the way his chest rumbled with amusement but she didn’t really have the mind to be embarrassed about it considering she’d gotten her way.

“Do you know a Jason Andrews?” she asked after a moment.

“Andrews?” he repeated and seemed to think about it. “I guess the name sounds familiar but I can't say I do.”

Ellie couldn’t help the laughter that burst out of her at the sheer indifference in his voice. Joel didn’t even know his name— how fucking funny was that? Jeremiah had a personal vendetta against her Joel and he didn’t even fucking know they existed. She felt oddly vindicated knowing that Joel was as innocent in this as she’d already assumed he was.

“Why? Should I?” Joel questioned, clearly amused by her tired laughing fit. Ellie shook her head and took great satisfaction in it.

“Nah, he’s nobody important.”

“If you say so.”

***

For a while, Jeremiah was manageable. A little squabble here and there and some crumpled up papers tossed at the back of her head. Petty little things that pissed her off, but not enough to really get under her skin. He was just annoying. 

But then something changed in him. She wasn’t sure if it had something to do with the bruises she’d noticed when she caught him rolling down his sleeves coming out of the bathroom, but she also didn’t really care. Because he was fucking ruthless now.

Jeremiah never left her alone, all too comfortable tormenting her where he knew she couldn’t pull a knife on him.

It was the same shit every day. Silent resentment during class, thirty minutes of violent bickering, and more fucking resentment. It was so fucking stupid. All of this over a goddamn patrol shift. Or at least, that’s what Jeremiah always fell back on. Ellie didn’t really give a shit about the why, though. She was sick of it either way. 

So sick of it, in fact, that she kept fucking losing her head about it. 

Ms. Holly had intervened a good handful of times and Ellie could feel constant eyes on them now, but it never stopped Jeremiah from picking fights. He knew their teacher was watching but he kept fucking antagonizing her. Without fucking fail, he’d find her during recess and push her buttons until she snapped, and then they’d both get in trouble. 

For a while, she wondered how the fuck this was worth it to him. What was the point of fucking with her when it got him in as much shit as it did her?

“If you two can’t learn to get along, I’m going to have to set up a meeting with your parents,” Ms. Holly scolded after breaking them up for the third day in a row, and suddenly it made sense. Jeremiah didn’t even flinch at her words, a sadistic smirk playing at his lips as he stared right at Ellie.

That was why he was doing this. He was trying to escalate their conflict to the point where Joel would find out and decide she was more trouble than she was worth. His parents finding out about some petty playground rivalry didn’t pose a threat to him like it did to Ellie. 

She knew immediately that his plan wouldn’t work. That he was wrong for assuming it would in any capacity. She had enough faith in Joel to know he wouldn’t stop caring about her over something this fucking stupid. She knew perfectly well that she wouldn’t be abandoned because of her smart mouth or her swearing or her attitude. 

But Jeremiah knew she wasn’t really his and he knew she was afraid of that. He knew Joel could leave her, and he fucking wanted him to. 

It made her sick with rage and jealousy and despair and a hundred ugly things, just knowing that he wanted her worst fears to come true. And for what fucking reason? What had she ever done to make this random guy so hellbent on taking away the only good thing she still had? Why was it that after everything she’d been through, the world wouldn’t let her pretend for just a second that she was a normal kid? A normal kid with a normal family and normal dad who fucking loved her. Why was that so fucking impossible?

All she wanted was to feel fucking normal. Just for a little while.

Just a few weeks ago, she’d thought maybe she was getting close. Maybe she could get used to ‘Uncle Tommy’ and goodnight kisses and pet names and family dinners and having her own room. Maybe she could get used to having people who care about her and maybe she’d find the courage one day to call Joel what he was to her and maybe one day he’d say she was his and mean it. 

It was such a miserable thing, living on a constant emotional pendulum. Feeling the care and safety and warmth of home, having all her insecurities and paranoia shouted directly in her face, and going back home again. It was a cycle she couldn’t take much more of before she lost her damn mind. Because she knew Jeremiah was wrong but pieces of her believed him at the same time and she was so fucking sick of fighting with herself about something that shouldn’t even be a question anymore. 

What could he possibly gain from making her doubt the only thing she really knew for sure?

Looking into gray eyes, full of hatred that had existed before she ever opened her mouth, she realized she’d never know.

***

She was trying to be the bigger person because even if she knew he wouldn’t really care all that much, she still didn’t want Joel to know how bad she was at this school bullshit.

She remembered the way he’d smiled when she told him her first day of school had been pretty okay, so genuinely pleased by what was an objectively lukewarm review. He’d been so fucking happy that she was doing this at all. She didn’t want him to know how much she fucking hated it.

So she started loitering around Ms. Holly at recess and stopped returning scowls from across the classroom. She did her best to avoid engaging with him altogether. 

And it actually worked for a little while. 

He tried now and then to rile her up from a distance, but she was too busy doing her goddamn homework or counting grains of sand to pay him any mind. He was only stupid enough to try to instigate her with Ms. Holly in earshot once, and she’d shut it down real fast.

“Jeremiah, you leave her alone right this instant. Don’t go looking for trouble when she’s minding her business,” she’d scolded and he’d slunk away with a red face and violent eyes, leaving Ellie with the very difficult job of not sneering at him as he went. It was a pretty solid system, honestly. School was back to being almost tolerable, even if she was forced to trail her teacher like a goddamn coward. She figured he’d burn himself out eventually.

Naturally, things didn’t stay easy for long. 

For some reason Ms. Holly wasn’t at school that day. They had a substitute teacher, a man Ellie recognized from Joel’s patrol group who clearly wasn’t a fucking teacher. He barely even supervised them, only ever glancing up from a book that wasn’t even the one Ms. Holly had been forcing them to read all month when the class was getting too loud for him to ignore. 

She should’ve known that Jeremiah would take such a golden opportunity to remind her that he wasn’t done fucking hating her.

“No mommy to hide behind?” was his idea of a witty insult. 

Ellie just looked at him blankly. She didn’t want to do this shit anymore. Jeremiah’s smirk gave way to a grimace.

“What, you’re trying the silent treatment again?” he scoffed. Ellie said nothing.

She said nothing as he insulted her and, more impressively, she said nothing as he insulted Joel. She just fucking looked at him. Surprisingly, it seemed to do fucking wonders at pissing him off.

“Fucking say something you freak!” he shouted louder than he ever had when swearing. If Ms. Holly had been there she would’ve caught him for sure. Ellie was more than a little disappointed. “You’re not fucking better than anyone!”

Biting her tongue was getting kinda fucking painful, so she decided to take advantage of Ms. Holly’s absence and just spend recess in the bathroom. Usually if she was in there for more than five minutes, someone would do a fucking wellness check on her, but she was pretty sure that the substitute wouldn’t notice if she just up and left the building.

She was almost proud of herself as she walked away from him, a little surprised she’d managed to not open her stupid mouth for once in her life, but suddenly she was being yanked so hard by the hair that she stumbled backwards and her back was on the ground and Jeremiah was on top of her-

And for a brief, terrifying moment, she was back in Silver Lake. 

Whatever composure she’d been so pleased with evaporated in an instant. Her body reacted before her head had time to catch up, a stone finding its way into her hand and the natural next step to her addled mind being bashing it into Jeremiah’s face. 

He fell back with a sound like a wounded animal as Ellie scrambled out from underneath him, hauling herself to her feet and staggering until she was a safe distance away from anyone’s grasp. 

Jeremiah wasn’t chasing her, though. No, he was just writhing on the ground like a dying cockroach as his pale fingers grew redder and redder from the blood gushing out of his nose. Ellie looked down, vaguely aware that she was still holding a rock covered in the boy’s blood as teachers she didn’t even know swarmed to his side.

She blinked and suddenly she was in the office, rock nowhere to be seen but the barest hint of crimson still stuck to the skin of her hand. Jeremiah was across the room, choking on painful sniffles with leaking eyes and glaring at her while she stared at nothing. She could hear the static sounds of a walkie-talkie but couldn’t really make sense of any words being said.

“Ms. Miller, your father is on his way,” a voice she vaguely recognized dragged her a little closer to reality. She dragged her gaze over to the source of the noise and found the old lady who was in charge as far as she knew. Joel called her Principal Something Or Other, but Ellie only remembered how fucking ugly her dress was when they’d met. Apparently her fashion sense hadn’t improved much since the beginning of the semester because today she was wearing a long, dark purple dress with bright orange flowers all over it. Ellie cringed at the sight, not really registering whatever she’d just said to her.

“Your parents are both unavailable at the moment, Mr. Andrews, but your mother should be arriving at her earliest convenience.” There was a flicker of something sad on Jeremiah’s face, half-obscured by an icepack and plasters, that had Ellie guessing that he’d expected this. She stared at him with a muffled sense of pity, though she also quite enjoyed the fact that the scumbag he was so keen on defending the patrol shift of couldn’t be bothered to show up for him after he got his shit rocked. Who had a real family now?

Family. The thought was sobering enough that reality finally hit her. Joel was on his way. He was gonna show up and see some other kid with his face all fucked up and there was no way Ellie could lie her way out of the blame for it. 

Shit. 

She was pretty sure Joel wouldn’t hate her for acting violently— it would make him one hell of a fucking hypocrite after all— but she was also pretty fucking sure that he wouldn’t be happy about it. He’d been thrilled when school had ended up working out alright for her, and now she’d fucked it up. She went and did exactly what she was trying not to do.

Now that her head was clearer, she realized she didn’t actually know what the punishment for violence would be. Was she about to get kicked out of school? Was she gonna be kicked out of Jackson? Was Joel gonna get in trouble for not training her better? How badly did she screw things up?

And more importantly, how was Joel going to react? She wasn’t all that familiar with Jackson’s radio system, but she knew that in order for Joel to be on his way, Principal Lady had to have signaled his work site and told whoever was in charge that day to send him over. And god, that was fucking mortifying. Not only had she managed to get Joel roped into her stupid school drama, she also dragged him away from his work in the process.

She didn’t have much time to dwell on it though because apparently Joel sprinted the whole fucking way.

The door to the office swung open with a resounding thud not even five minutes after the woman with the fugly dress told her he was coming. And he looked pretty fucking pissed.

Ellie’s blood ran cold at the rage visible on his face. She’d known he wouldn’t be happy but shit, she hadn’t expected him to be this angry either. She opened her mouth to apologize, to beg him not to be mad at her, to promise to never do it again—

“Goodness, Mr. Miller! You startled me!” the woman gasped and made a show of opening up a handheld fan to soothe her apparent anxiety. Joel didn’t look even a little bit sorry, dark eyes flicking around the room wildly until they finally landed on her.

She was terrified for all of half a second before all that anger evaporated from his face. 

“Fuck’s sake,” he uttered through a shuddering exhale, as if he’d been holding his breath the whole way there.

“Joel, I-“

“Mr. Miller, thank you for coming. As I’m sure you can see, Ellie here got a little out of hand today.” She was interrupted for a second time which only doubled her nerves.

Joel completely ignored her, crouching down next to Ellie and cupping her face, looking her up and down. “Are you alright, baby? Anything hurtin’?”

She blinked at him for a moment, utterly appalled by the question and the gentle comfort of his palm again her cheek. “Uh, no. I’m good,” she answered feebly. 

“Yeah, she’s not the one that got her face torn up!” Jeremiah spat and she glared at him hard enough to make him squeal. 

“Enough of that, you two!” Mrs. Fuckface scolded, smacking her stupid fan shut against her hand. Ellie flinched at the sound, more than a little offended considering she hadn’t even said anything to him. 

Joel cast a glance in the woman’s direction but didn’t linger, too focused on her to pay much attention to anything else. It was so far from what she’d expected and yet so goddamn predictable in hindsight that it was almost laughable. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” He asked gently and for the first time throughout this entire ordeal she felt she might actually cry. It was almost too much, being given the chance to actually explain herself without being deemed difficult or violent or insolent the second she made a mistake. 

“I didn’t-“ she began but of course Principal Fucko had to cut her off.

“Ellie and Jeremiah got into an argument during recess and-“

“Was I asking you?” Joel whipped around to stare at the woman with a ferocity that left Ellie reeling.

“I- Excuse me??” She gawked at him.

“You don’t speak for her,” he snarled, unabashedly threatening toward the woman who quite literally ran the place. 

A tense silence fell over the room as Joel turned back around, offering Ellie a soft look of reassurance as if he wasn’t just baring his teeth at her principal. It took her a second to find something to say, completely baffled by how this entire interaction was going.

“I swear I didn’t mean to hurt him that bad, I just- reacted, I don’t know. He grabbed my ponytail and I was on the ground and-“ She paused to swallow the lump in her throat because dammit she wasn’t gonna cry now. “He was on top of me and I just…” She couldn’t quite bring herself to say it, but she knew from the way his posture stiffened and something murderous flicked across his face that Joel understood.

“Okay, that’s enough. Ellie, you did nothing wrong, baby,” he murmured and reached out to carefully hold her face. That traitorous pressure behind her eyes was getting close to unbearable when her principal rose abruptly from her desk chair.

“Mr. Miller!” she shrieked because apparently that was all she knew how to say. “Violence of any kind is not tolerated at this school!”

Joel rose to match her, standing up and placing himself right in front of Ellie as if to shield her from the consequences of beating some kid bloody.

“She ain’t the one who started it!” he shouted back.

“That doesn’t matter! Violence of any kind-“ she tried to repeat herself but Joel loudly interrupted her.

“Doesn’t matter?” He scoffed, his accent getting noticeably thicker as he lost his composure. “So you mean to tell me that she was supposed to sit back and let that boy put his hands on her and do nothin’ about it? She ain’t supposed to defend herself? She ain’t allowed to?”

“Mr. Miller-“

“No, absolutely not. You are not going to punish Ellie for defending herself when one of your students decided to start a fight with her,” he growled with vicious finality. “It’s your fucking job to wrangle these kids, and I’ll be damned if you ever let mine get hurt on your watch, do you hear me?”

Mrs. Principal was struck silent, standing there in a state of stunned discomfort and giving Joel ample time to turn his rage onto Jeremiah. She almost pitied the way he cowered the moment Joel’s attention was on him. Almost.

“And you,” Joel loomed over the boy, pointing right in his face. “If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, I’ll make sure you regret the day you were born.”

“Mr. Miller!”

Joel didn’t say a word as Jeremiah curled into himself and sobbed like a goddamn baby. Mrs. Principal couldn’t seem to find anything to say either because all she did was huff and scoff while looking between the three of them. Ellie couldn’t even blame her.

“C’mon Ellie. It’s time to go,” Joel said after a long, deafening silence, extending a hand to her as he turned toward the door. She took his hand and let him lead her out of the room and through the halls and out the building, neither of them looking back a single time.

It felt so strangely normal. Walking home together, side by side, in the middle of the school day. She was still working to make sense of it.

The silence between them was heavy but not quite uncomfortable, and Ellie knew that she could just leave it alone and they wouldn’t speak of it. And maybe a few months ago she would’ve, but he’d said something back there that could finally put her fears to rest and she couldn’t bring herself to let that go.

“Damn, Joel,” she finally broke the silence, squeezing his hand weakly. “That was kinda cool.” It was a stupid thing to take away from the whole debacle, but Joel hummed a laugh and squeezed back so she wasn’t too ashamed of it.

“I’m not gonna let ‘em punish you for doin’ nothin’ wrong,” he reiterated, as if she hadn’t gathered as such.

“I mean to be fair, I did fuck him up pretty good,” she argued with a halfhearted shrug.

“You coulda killed him and I would be sayin’ the same damn thing,” he said and she knew he meant it and that probably should’ve worried her more than it did.

“Wow. You’re one fucked up old man,” she huffed, the beginnings of a smile working its way to her lips.

“How do you think I’ve kept you alive this long?” he returned wryly. Ellie grinned in spite of herself.

“That’s what I told Jeremiah when I pulled my knife on him” Joel paused beside her.

“You did what now?” He demanded, incredulous. “When did that happen? How did that not come up just now?”

“Happened outside of school. That day I came home late,” she admitted easily because what sense was there in keeping secrets now?

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“I handled it!” She assured him hurriedly, slightly defensive at the stern edge to his voice. “He knew I wasn’t fucking around. Never followed me again.” Joel made a strangled noise and pinched the bridge of his nose, breathing in deep and closing his eyes for a long moment.

“I- That’s good and all, but you shoulda said somethin’ Ellie,” he lectured as calmly as he could.

“Why, so you could go beat him up?” she teased, earning a scowl in response.

“Can you just tell me what happened?” he grumbled. Ellie figured she owed him that much.

“He followed me when I was walking home so I pointed my knife at him. He basically dared me to stab him. He said I’d get kicked out of Jackson since I’m an orphan or some shit” Joel cringed at something she’d said but she was talking too quickly to let him get a word in. “I told him I survived long enough outside that I could do it again so he better not fucking try me.”

Joel took a moment to digest her play-by-play of their little face-off before finally sighing. “And he let you alone?” he asked.

“He called me a crazy bitch first, but yeah,” she answered with a shrug. Joel made a face.

“And you didn’t have anything to say ‘bout that?” he scoffed. Ellie hesitated only briefly before telling him the truth.

“Told him that’s how you raised me.”

Joel barked out a laugh that left her feeling warm and more than a little pleased with herself.

“Ain’t that right,” he chuckled with something close to pride softening his voice. Something about it had her wanting to tell him the whole damn story.

“Remember when I asked about Jason Andrews?” she asked, smirking at the memory.

“Wasn’t he supposed to be nobody important?” Joel said doubtfully. 

“The kid I beat up is his son. Apparently you took his patrol shift and Jeremiah took it really personally for some fucking reason.” To her surprise and mild disappointment, Joel actually faltered.

“I told Tommy I could start with nights,” he sighed, sounding almost guilty. “I’m not surprised it ruffled some feathers, him givin’ me the position he did right off the bat. Ain’t exactly fair to the poor fella that got booted back to the bottom.”

It made some sense when Joel said it like that, but all that did was piss her off.

“If you’re doing the job, what does it fucking matter?” she grumbled.

“There’s a system to patrols ‘round here,” Joel reminded. “I shoulda started with nights, but Tommy pulled some strings since he knew evenings were… difficult for us when we were first settlin’ down. I don’t imagine he went and told the rest of his men as much though, so I can’t blame the kid for holding a grudge on his old man’s behalf.”

“Yeah well I don’t think patrol shifts have anything to do with half the shit he said to me,” she snapped and Joel frowned at her.

“What’d he say to you?”

“Just- I don’t know, he really liked rubbing the whole orphan thing in my face,” she mumbled. “I don’t think it even has anything to do with his dad’s stupid job, I think he just fucking hates me for some reason and went for my fucking throat.”

“Did you tell him you ain’t no damn orphan?” He was looking at her so seriously all of a sudden and she shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

“I mean- I did, but I guess I wasn’t too convincing,” she admitted. Joel raised a brow at that.

“What do you mean?” he pushed.

“The fuck do you think?” She huffed, confused by the question. “You haven’t enrolled me in any acting classes, you know.”

“Ellie, there' s no actin’ involved. You aren’t an orphan,” he said it like it was fucking obvious and every thought in her head slowed to a dead stop.

She stared at him, trying to find something in his expression that would give away exactly what he meant. Something that would finally convince her or what she’s known in one way or another all along.

“You’ve been my kid on paper since we got here.”

“On paper,” she repeated without inflection. Joel frowned and stopped walking altogether, glancing away with his brow furrowed in a sort of mild discomfort.

“Look, I ain’t tellin’ you how to feel about anything, but I considered you mine long before we settled here.”

Somehow she managed to keep her jaw off the floor, staring at him with wide, incredulous eyes as he unknowingly said the most important words she’d ever heard in her entire fucking life.

“You don’t gotta look at me like that, I’m not askin’ you to call me your dad,” he attempted some awkward damage control, as if she hadn’t been itching to try the name on him for over half a year. “I’m sayin’ I’m your guardian. Permanently. You’re family as far as Tommy, Maria and me are concerned. So quit actin’ like you’re some kinda stray.” The words themselves were gruff, but he said them with a tenderness that left her absolutely defenseless.

“I did,” she blurted and Joel looked horribly confused and Ellie wasn’t smart enough to stop herself from explaining. “I called you that. When Jeremiah was being a dick. He insulted you and I told him not to talk about my dad.” Why did she fucking say that. 

She didn’t have time to be embarrassed though, because Joel was smiling in a way she’d never seen before. Unrestrained and mushy and just…happy. He looked so fucking happy.

“Reckon you taught him a thing or two,” he chuckled with so much fondness she thought her heart might explode.

“I would’ve, but Ms. Holly made me take a walk and calm down,” she recounted absently, preoccupied with just how lovely it felt to finally get this off her chest. But then she thought about it for a second and corrected herself, “Well actually that was the same day he followed me so yes, I did teach him a lesson.”

“Good. I’m proud of you, kid.” He let go of her hand only to pull her in by her shoulder. She melted into his side and marveled at the fact that she knew exactly why she could. She was his kid. He was her parent. She was-

“You called me your daughter when we were in there.” Joel breathed a soft sort of laugh, running an affectionate hand over her crown.

“Did I?” he asked teasingly.

“Yep. You said, and I quote, “touch my daughter again and I’ll kill you dead ya hear?”,” she recited in her best southern accent. 

“Well aren’t you imaginative,” he grunted and ruffled the hair he’d just smoothed back. She laughed, bright and hearty and the most genuine she’d produced in a very, very long time. Joel’s shoulder shook slightly where her head was resting, which only made her laugh harder.

He sighed after a moment, pretending he hadn’t been stifling his own laughter, and set them back in motion. Her laughter simmered into giggles, her head never leaving his shoulder and his arm never loosening its hold on her as they continued walking home.

With her laughter calmed, she had enough awareness to be at least a little bit shy as she tried again, “…You did say it though.”

“I know,” he owned it easily.

After a beat, she whispered, “Did you mean it?” 

Joel pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head.

“With everything I got, Ellie.”

It was everything she’d been so desperate to hear all this time and he said it so easily, like the only thing that had kept him from saying it before was not knowing if she’d wanted to hear it. And god, wasn’t that ironic?

“Cool,” she said stupidly, just to make sure he knew she definitely did want to hear it. “I, uh… meant what I said too.”

Joel laughed softly and held her a little bit tighter. 

“Cool.”

***

“Really, Joel? Threatening kids? This ain’t a good look y’know,” Tommy sighed, looking over the complaint Jeremiah’s parents had submitted against Joel. He glared at his brother from across the table but Joel didn’t look the least bit apologetic.

“He started it,” she pointed out from her tucked under his arm, grinning at the way her uncle cringed.

“A grown man doesn’t get to use that excuse when he’s fightin’ with a fourteen-year-old boy!” he argued, clearly exasperated.

But she could tell he wasn’t really mad. After all, there would certainly come a day where Tommy would do the same for his own child. It was just part of the job. Part of being a dad. 

And Joel, like any father would, did whatever he had to do to keep his daughter safe. Including threatening children who were mean to her. 

It was probably what made him such a good dad.