Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

John wasn't gay.

Okay.

That was a lie.

John was definitely gay.

That wasn't the problem.

The problem was that he liked Dave.

His best friend.

His stupid best friend.

His stupid best friend with stupid shades and stupid hair and a stupid smile and stupidly nice laugh.

See?

That was weird.

Friends weren't supposed to think things like that.

At least John was pretty sure they weren't.

Rose said otherwise.

Actually Rose had laughed at him.

John had spent twenty minutes talking about Dave and then Rose had asked if he was planning on marrying him.

Which was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

..

This was getting out of hand.

His phone buzzed.

John looked down.

And immediately groaned.

Of course.

Of course it was Dave.

EB: well thats not an emergency

TG: felt pretty emergency to me

EB: are you bleeding

TG: no

EB: then your fine!

TG: wow

TG: no sympathy

EB: im saving my sympathy for actual emergencies

TG: fake friend

TG: i cant believe youd say that to an injured man

TG: anyways

EB: ill be right back dave!! just give me like.. two hours

TG: ok bye

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

John smiled despite himself.

Which was annoying.

Because Dave wasn't even being funny.

Actually no.

That was another lie.

Dave was funny.

Stupidly funny.

Like, "make John laugh at something that wasn't even a joke" funny.

The worst kind of funny.

John stared down at the chat log for a moment.

Then at the ceiling.

Then back at the chat log.

Then back at the ceiling.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting the ceiling to do.

Maybe give him advice.

Maybe tell him he was being ridiculous.

Maybe collapse on top of him and put him out of his misery.

Anything would be helpful at this point.

John sighed and dropped his phone onto his chest.

Immediately regretting it when the phone bounced.

And hit him directly in the nose.

"...Ow."

There was a pause.

"Ow."

Another pause.

"...Seriously?"

John rubbed his nose and glared at the phone like it had personally betrayed him.

Which, honestly, it kind of had.

The phone remained completely unapologetic.

Typical.

John tossed it beside him and rolled onto his back.

This was stupid.

Everything about this was stupid.

Dave was stupid.

His dumb shades were stupid.

His dumb ironic jokes were stupid.

His dumb laugh was stupid.

The fact that John knew exactly what Dave's laugh sounded like without even thinking about it was especially stupid.

John buried his face in a pillow.

A muffled scream escaped him.

Then another one.

The pillow offered no solutions.

He rolled over again.

Maybe Rose would know what to do.

Actually no.

Rose would immediately figure it out.

Then she'd spend the next six months making fun of him.

Jade.

Jade was nice.

Jade wouldn't laugh at him.

Well.

She probably would.

But in a supportive way.

John reached for his phone again.

His thumb hovered over Jade's name.

What was he even supposed to say?

"Hey Jade, I think I have a crush on my best friend?"

No.

That sounded awful.

"Hey Jade, I think Dave has permanently damaged my brain?"

Slightly better.

Still not great. John groaned and flopped onto his side. This was ridiculous. People confessed their feelings all the time.

Probably.

Actually he had no evidence for that. For all he knew everybody else was just as confused. His phone slipped from his hand.

Hit him in the face again. "...OW."

Okay. That settled it. He was telling Jade.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

GG: john!!

EB: jade!!

GG: john!!

EB: jade!!!

GG: alright, alright, hi john! what did you need?

EB: i need to tell you something, jade

GG: let me guess.. is it about your dad again?

EB: what? no!

EB: when did i ever tell you about my dad?

GG: you don't remember?

EB: no..

EB: uh, anyways

EB: this is kind of serious

GG: your dad banned magic in the house? no more nic cage?

EB: what is with you and my dad? it's not about my dad at all!

GG: ok sorry sorry, is it about dave?

EB: yes

EB: well, the problem is that i have a problem

GG: with dave?

EB: yes, but im not mad at him the problem is him in a way, but i think this is kind of a more self indulgent problem, as in the problem is me but dave is apart of the problem, which is making me have the problem

GG: john, that was really confusing to read

EB: well it's how i feel

GG: i think it'd be easier for you if you break this problem down into smaller problems!

EB: that's the thing! i don't know how

GG: okay let's start with dave

GG: what did he do?

EB: nothing! that's the thing!

GG: john!!

GG: if he did nothing, why are we talking about him then?

EB: because he's dave!

GG: ...

EB: ...

GG: john

EB: jade

GG: do you like dave

EB: as a friend

GG: john!!

EB: obviously as a friend!

EB: im not a homosexual!

GG: john, there's nothing wrong with liking men!

EB: yeah i know, but here's the thing, i dont!

GG: john, im telling you we'll support you either way

EB: no!

GG: john, please just talk to me about this!!

EB: ugh

EB: it's okay jade, its fine, none of this is your fault

-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

John stared at Jade's message for a solid minute.

Then another.

Then another.

Finally, he closed the chat window.

Nope.

He wasn't doing this.

Jade was wrong.

Completely wrong.

Absolutely wrong.

In fact, she was so wrong that John was going to get a second opinion.

A more reasonable opinion.

A more logical opinion.

A more objective opinion.

Which was how he found himself opening Rose's chat.

Almost immediately, he regretted it.

Rose was smart.

Way too smart. John hovered his cursor over the keyboard. Then started typing.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

EB: rose

TT: John.

EB: i need advice

TT: This should be interesting.

EB: why does everyone say that

TT: Experience.

EB: wow

EB: okay hypothetical question

TT: Ah.

TT: A hypothetical.

TT: Proceed.

EB: if somebody

EB: had a friend

TT: You.

EB: hypothetical friend

TT: Naturally.

EB: and hypothetically this friend was dave

EB: wait

EB: no

TT: Remarkable.

TT: You somehow managed to reveal the answer before finishing the question.

EB: can you take this seriously please

TT: I am.

TT: Continue.

EB: okay

EB: if somebody thought about their friend a lot

EB: like a LOT

TT: Mm.

EB: and got nervous talking about them

EB: and maybe smiled whenever they messaged them

TT: John.

EB: what

TT: You're describing a crush.

EB: no im not!!!

TT: You are.

EB: no

TT: Yes.

EB: no

TT: Yes.

EB: no

TT: Fine.

TT: Then allow me to ask a question.

EB: okay

TT: How often do you talk about Dave?

EB: i dont know

TT: Frequently.

TT: Very frequently.

EB: okay thats not fair

TT: Then perhaps you'll find this comforting.

EB: what

TT: Dave talks about you just as much.

EB: what

TT: Not romantically, before your imagination gets away from you.

EB: it wasnt!!!

TT: Of course.

TT: But he does mention you quite often.

EB: why

TT: Usually because you've done something ridiculous.

TT: Sometimes because you've done something impressive.

TT: Occasionally because he found something he thinks you'd enjoy.

EB: really?

TT: Yes.

TT: Last week he spent ten minutes explaining why a movie reminded him of you.

EB: what movie

TT: I don't remember.

TT: Something involving explosions.

EB: that narrows it down to literally nothing

TT: My point remains.

TT: You occupy a surprising amount of space in his thoughts.

EB: ...

TT: There is nothing wrong with being important to someone, John.

EB: yeah

EB: i know

TT: Do you?

EB: okay but thats normal

EB: friends think about their friends

TT: Correct.

EB: so that doesnt mean anything

TT: I never said it did.

TT: However.

EB: uh oh

TT: Give me a moment.

EB: rose what are you doing

TT: Looking for something.

EB: rose

TT: Found it.

EB: ...

TT: An old conversation.

EB: what conversation

TT: One involving Dave.

EB: ROSE.

TT: Relax.

TT: I'm only copying the relevant portion.

EB: why is there a relevant portion...?

TT: And yet.

TT: Here we are.

EB: oh my god

TT: Copying now.

TT:

TT: TG: johns weird

TT: TG: like genuinely weird

TT: TG: dudes out here getting emotionally attached to terrible movies

TT: TG: and somehow making it everybody elses problem

TT: TG: i dont even know how he does it

TT: TG: one minute im making fun of him

TT: TG: next thing i know hes got me watching some awful movie from 1997

TT: TG: and now im invested

TT: TG: its a disease

EB: wow

EB: thanks dave

TT: I'm not finished.

EB: oh my god bro

TT: TG: but honestly

TT: TG: i think thats kinda his thing

TT: TG: he gets excited about stuff

TT: TG: like really excited

TT: TG: and somehow you end up excited too

TT: TG: even if the thing is objectively stupid

TT: TG: dudes got a weird talent for it

TT: TG: i dunno

TT: TG: i think people like being around him

TT: TG: makes things less boring

EB: ...

TT: There was more.

EB: there was more?

TT: Quite a bit, actually.

TT: He spent another seven minutes discussing your movie preferences.

EB: seven minutes

TT: Approximately.

EB: why would he do that

TT: I imagine for the same reason you spent twenty minutes describing Dave to Jade.

EB: you talked to jade?

TT: No.

TT: That was a guess.

TT: Judging by your reaction, a correct one.

EB: im logging off

TT: John.

EB: what

TT: You're very easy to read.

TT: Dave is, too.

EB: what is that supposed to mean

TT: I'll let you figure that one out yourself.