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Jack and I had a choir performance today.
These days were ones I spent mostly alone. Standing in silent corners as the other changed into the black coats draped with white, collars that could choke you.
I never dared change with them as I knew what would come of it. I had tried it once, never to dare again.
Jack was stood in a corner himself opposite of my own facing the wall.
An odd place to be considering his apparent pedestal placed upon him by the choir because he could sing a sharp C and was praised highly for it by the adults.
I assume it has more to do with his presence. One that commanded respect and trust but one that underneath the rumble, I understood to be quite the opposite.
Jack glanced at me for a moment, maybe more of a lingering glance but a glance nonetheless. For a while I had found it strange, confusing at best. But one day I found myself finding joy in it. It felt so…personal, so deadly and yet so beautiful. Much like to boy who shared it.
Once hair was slicked and cloths were placed, the Procter arrived to come fetch us all. I typically lead the choir, being placed at the farthest end.
This was a spot I much enjoyed. I could hide among the scaling cathedral walls and sing as god intended. As the choir was lead by a conductor, I felt myself linger a bit away from it all.
Staring at the wall carved hundreds of years ago, I felt myself drifting before gently closing my eyes and singing. I smiled, lost in it all. The sounds falling out of the other boys mouths, the distinct notes, the way it all echoed. The song came to an end, slowly but gently as we carried into the next.
The service for that day had begun, people pouring in. Mainly tired children who where forced to wake up much to early just to hear prayers and the young choir sing. A group of older boys walked in, snickering as they walked past me, whispering to each other. I attempted to ignore it, it was something I became accustomed to after the incident.
Said incident was when I had begun a fight with Roger over his stupid ways of thinking. A fight that in the end had gotten me marked as batty and a few other…selective things I chose to ignore.
The service went smooth. The choir sung when rehearsed, the pastor spoke when required, and the school joined in prayer when requested.
The choir boys had been held back, as was usual. But today we all knew it was for a scolding, one that would be placed on Maurice. He had messed up a crucial note that when I heard it, made me flinch.
The Procter stood before us, asking for quick silent as most of the choir, except myself, carried on in conversation.
He rose his hand a quickly command Maurice step forward. Maurice quietly walked down the steps, standing in front of the man holding a very large ruler.
He demanded we all watch as to pay attention to what might occur if we were to mess up a note. Explained it as a lesson for as all.
The last lash had Maurice clearly holding back tears as the other choir boys all seemed to cringe.
We were all told to line up as we walked back to the changing rooms, Maurice getting gently comforted by Roger, who in this moment chose to show heart.
A thing I rarely ever saw out of him.
Once inside, I quietly sat in the corner with a book in hand as I waited for the boys to slowly trickle out. One by one, each one left leaving only me, Roger, Maurice, and Jack.
The three boys seemed to be discussing what had happened, a few tears falling down Maurice’s face as Roger gently wrapped it.
I thought, only to myself, maybe Roger showed such kindness in this moment because he knew it well. Roger, out of all the choir, was generally a screw up. Outside of his human nature, of course. He knew the pain well, however me and Jack did not.
We’re both top choir, frequently praised for our work. I had only gotten a lashing once, something I was beyond grateful for. And Jack, well, he had yet to receive one. The day that happened is the day an angel falls out of the sky.
Roger and Maurice slowly stood as Jack waved them off, claiming he had to finish changing. Which, to be fair, he wasn’t changed at all. Again, strange considering it had likely been thirty minutes at this point and even amidst Maurice’s frequent cries Roger had managed to changed as well as Maurice.
Jack watched to two leave, lingering for a while before two large wooden doors slammed shut. His attention switched over to me.
“Good work. With the singing and all.” Jack had said, looking at me from the side as he unbuttoned his collar. I smiled gently, nodding in response.
Jack shook his head, a slight smile covering his face. “You do know you can speak Simon. I don’t bite.” I chuckled gently before speaking up.
“I know. I’m just not one to waste words when we exchange so little.” I watched Jack face twitch at this, an expression of hurt mixed with something else less explanatory.
Jack walked over to me, stopping in-front of me. I paused for a moment, fearful of what was to come before he gently touch my hair, moving a curl back into places of the gelled curve.
“I quite like your hair like this.” He commented, fingers lingering in the hair much longer than required. I looked up at him and felt like I’d been knocked off my feet.
The sun from the outside shown brightly against his hair and gently against his face, framing him almost like an angel.
In the moment I questioned if perhaps my “when an angel falls from heaven will be the dah Jack gets a lashing” bit was untrue as one stood in front of me.
Jack smiled gently before pulling back and walking back to his spot against the opposite wall.
“Well? Change.” I quickly stood up as I began to unbutton my collar. We stood far apart, backs to each other as we would never dare to glance. But, I didn’t mind much. It was more intimate knowing we didn’t look, more gentle. A secret that we could share, our own gift from god.
The day had gone on much the same as most Sunday’s did, study from 12-4, courtyard play from 4-6 where I spent the entire time under a tree reading a book as the other boys played an honestly horrible game of football, and dinner from 6-8.
Most meals I dreaded. Not because of the meals themselves, oh no, but more because of how I was forced to navigate them. I typically was the last in line of my grade, waiting for all the boys to grab their helpings before I arrived at the counter for my own.
The ladies were always sweet with me, offering me extra if it allowed. I usually said yes, I am growing after all. But finding my seat was harder. If lucky, I could shove myself right at the end, usually ignored expected to be shoved by shoulders and kicked by rowdy legs.
The unlucky days I’d before forced to find a way to sneak out and sit outside to eat. Although I found these days to be my favorite, I risked getting in trouble for leaving the hall. I’ve been caught twice now and neither time was fun.
Today, I had excitingly been forced to find a spot outside, which I graciously accepted. I quite ate inside near a door at first before quickly opening the door and allowing it to shut slowly behind me.
I knew exactly where to go this day, up the hill behind the school towards a viewing spot of the whole campus. I walked up slowly before settling in, placing my book down next to me as I begun to eat.
I arrived at my dorm early, turning on the lamps. I slipped my black shoes off, quickly changing into my pajamas and slipping into bed with a book in hand. A few free hours to read.
Lights out came around 10pm, all boys required to be cooped up in their rooms, asleep or not. As expected, Jack came running in with a smile on his face as the clock struck 10.
I watched him catch his breath before he flung himself onto my bed.
“What’s tonight’s book?” He snatched it out of my hands, much to my distaste. He turned it to read to cover, “the catcher and the rye” he read aloud. He threw it down next to me, “sounds quite boring.” He commented as he crossed his legs.
“I think you might quite enjoy it. It’s about a young boy who escapes to New York after getting kicked out of boarding school. The main boy reminds me of you.” Jack laughs.
“Right because I’d get kicked out of school.” I shook my head.
“Not like that Jack.” Jack just smiled gently as he looked at me. He gently lifted his hand to move a curl behind my ear. Reflecting what he’d done earlier in the day.
I just kept my eyes to the page as he sighed.
“Read to me will you? I like your reading voice.” He placed his head gently on my shoulder, closing his eyes. I felt myself tense slightly before relaxing and began reading out loud.
Jack sighed. He seemed content with it all, in a way that I believe to be rare.
I read about four chapters before I then felt myself begin to dose off. I gently closed the book, moving it to the shelf next to my bed.
Jack groaned, moving his head up. “You’re done?” I slight pout on his face, clearly unintentionally there but there. “Yes Jack, now go to sleep.” Jack climbed out of my bed, crawling into his. I quietly whispered.
“Goodnight Jack.” And received a very quiet, “Goodnight Simon.” In return.
It was the middle of the night when I next woke up to the feeling of someone sliding in next to me. I turned to the body, trying to make out who it was beneath the dark sheets.
“Jack?” Jack nodded, looking at me. “What are you doing?” Jack looked away, I imagine his cheeks coated in a gentle red.
“I…I couldn’t sleep.” I felt confusion wash over me. “So you chose to climb into bed with me?” Jack nodded.
“When you say it like that it feels stupid.” I reached out to grab his hand, shaking my head. “It isn’t.”
I felt his hand squeeze mine back. Silence covered the room as I began to doze off again before Jack voice cut through.
He spoke up quietly. “Simon?”
I squinted my eyes to reply. “Jack?”
He paused, clearly conflicted on what to say. “Do you ever feel like you wanna kiss someone?”
I looked at him confused, I knew the answer. “Sometimes. Why?” Jack shook his head.
“Like…kiss someone you shouldn’t want to?” I nodded, “yes.”
Jacks eyes widen at this, moving slightly closer.
“Like someone who’s a friend?” I nodded, “yes Jack.”
Jack swallowed sharply before moving inches from my face. I felt his hand gently reach up to card through my hair.
“Can we agree to keep this between us?” I nodded before I felt his lips gentle against my own.