Work Text:
“You WHAT?”
“Nick invited me, Danno. It’d only be a couple of weeks overseas. Plus, it’s been a while since I have been deployed. I trust you to hold down the fort.”
The blond’s eyes wide, he shook his head. His blue gaze darted between the September marked calendar on his office wall and the other man. “You have a desire to go do what’s loophole mercenary work in the middle of some fucking desert? Seriously?” Arms crossed, his glance met the ceiling.
“Danny, it’s not like I’m taking a,” the darker haired man paused, not wanting to raise his voice. He knew his husband could win a yelling contest, “hitman job. Look at me, what’s wrong?”
Danny’s head snapped back towards Steve. “Get out." His jaw clenched.
“Baby-”
“Did I stutter, Steven?!” his voice cracked. “Go away! I have to..” he swallowed the lump in his throat. The detective wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “I want to be alone. Steve, please.”
Frowning, the Navy commander accepted his defeat. “Okay, we’ll talk in a bit,” he steps outside of his partner’s office. His own chest is tightened, he knew Danny’s anxiety and anger was battling it out in his stomach. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He plopped his butt on the old office couch and no longer held back tears. “What the Hell is the matter with him?” He mumbled, then pulled his legs up on the cushion (and closer to his torso). Danny then rested his head in his arms, “I’m so pathetic, why did I think I could… why does Steve want to go overseas in September of all months,” he continued to think aloud. “Selfish, stupid little me. I can’t control what he does. If that jerk wants to d-” his anxiety cut off his own sentence. His jaw is still clenched but the anger he felt towards Steve earlier softened; replaced with nausea and ‘worst case’ thoughts gathering like a mob in the front of his mind.
Knock. Knock.
“Danno.”
The blond didn't acknowledge the noise at the door.
“C’mon baby. Talk to me,” Steve’s own voice cracked. He wants this solved. Danny being cross with him makes his stomach tumble; even more than Taliban interrogation did. “I have not given Nick an answer yet. There’s nothing confirmed.”
No reply, the other is still curled into himself.
“Alright, asshole. I’m coming in.” Steve crouched down on the floor, not taking his hazel gaze off of Danny. “Danno, hey.” He reached, pulling one of his husband’s hands out and held it in his own.
Steve’s touch pulls Danny out of his own head. He sniffs, repositioning himself to meet his husband’s dilated glance. “Hey,” their wedding rings made a soft clink as they brushed against one another. “I ah, well I won’t tell you what to do, cause that could fester resentment towards me and I really would not like that.” His blue gaze shifted upwards, he’s trying to air dry his tears. “It’s September, yanno… around the anniversary of what was the ah, worst week of your life. Feeling down and less like yourself during such times is expected with PTSD, I know. Mayhaps even feeling less self preservation than your usual already,” Danny can hear his own blood pumping in his ears. “Low sense of such,” a voice crack.
“Uh-huh, I know how PTSD works, Danny,” a quip slipped out. “Sorry, continue.”
“Which is why I would rather you wait to go on an op with Nick and his PMSC. A job with them has more of a chan-”
“Also, for the record; I could never resent you, ever.”
“Shut up Steven, you asked me what’s wrong. It’s still my turn. Don’t make me change my mind.”
Steve nodded, making a zipping motion across his lips with his free hand.
“Thank you,” his voice is quiet. He cleared his throat, “more of a chance for you to be reckless. More opportunity for, ah,” his face is flushed, Danny’s tear ducts have betrayed him. “More,” he hiccups, “More opportunity for you to heroically go join your dad and Freddie! if you’re missing them extra!” His breath hitched. “I’m not ready to lose you, Steve! I know it’s selfish as Hell and I know your grief's very layered. I know you miss John and Freddie always,” the blond’s voice is laced with raspiness. “I- fuck, Steve.” Unable to keep the urge to cry controlled anymore, he started sobbing.
“Danny,” the dark haired man tilted his head. His husband explaining his feelings more concisely? A man can dream. “Alright,” a ragged breath of his own escaped his throat as he moves to sit on the couch next to the other. “What do you mea-?”
OH. oh.
Steve put his arm around his partner, pulling him closer so he can rest against the side of his torso. “Danny, are you worried that the anniversary triggered passive suicidal ideation? Are you scared that I’ll do something stupid yet heroic so I can die in a less heartbreaking way?”
Danny leaned into his partner’s embrace. He sniffed, halting his sobs. Steve’s straightforwardness snapped him back into their conversation. “Yeah,” he choked out. He wiped his tears away. “I mean, ah- such thoughts can come along with feeling depressed and hopeless. It’s nuthin to be ashamed of.”
He’s felt like that before, albeit thanks to a very different kind of heartbreak than excessive personal loss.
“I feel like it’s selfish of me to not want you to die, cause if you really want to,” the detective squeezes his eyes shut. “I can’t stop you. Love from me and the rest of our ohana can’t stop you!”
“Danny, look at me.”
His eyelids remained downwards.
“Please?”
He obliged, blue watery eyes met Steve’s puffy hazel ones.
The Navy SEAL exhaled, catching his own shaky breath. It dawned on him that he’s been too caught up in his own head lately. “It’s not selfish of you to feel like that. I love you. I love our ohana,” he took both of Danny’s hands into his. “I know you guys love me lots, even though sometimes I,” he hiccuped, "sometimes have difficulty accepting that love.” Steve shakes his head, that is a chat for another day. He gave the other’s hands a squeeze, “no matter how awful or numb I feel, I wouldn’t put you or anyone else I care about through that, okay? Danno, I need you to know that I’ll never leave you on purpose,” he kissed the tip of his husband’s nose. “You’re not wrong, the day my dad was murdered was one of the worst days of my life,” a pause. “However, I also met you that day. Five-0 was formed that day. For everything that really sucks, there’s something that really doesn’t suck,” he cracked a slight smile.
“You can’t promise me that, Steve. That isn’t how life works.”
“Oh shut up, Danny- I know that. I’m serious though, I have no desire to die. I’d miss shooting your blood pressure through the roof too much.”
A fond eye roll, “okay okay, good. Cause I’m too young to be a Navy widower, babe” he chuckled slightly. Danny’s breath faded back to its usual rhythm. He wiped his eyes. “The anxiety about you having,” he swallowed the lump in his throat, “passive suicidal ideation is starting to fade.” The proper term for such thoughts is heavy on his tongue still- but talking about it made the words carry less weight.
“Indeed,” the taller dries his own eyes. He then playfully pulls the shorter onto his lap. “I love you so so much… and I agree, I’ll pass on Nick’s job invitation for now. There will be another job in a few months, I’m sure,” his arms are around Danny’s waist.
“Ah-huh, I love you too, so so so much.” Danny mirrors his husband’s embrace, and gives his lips a kiss, mwah. “Thanks,” he smiles about Steve’s decision to wait on going for an op with Nick and his PMSC.