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The first time Benedict Bridgerton kissed Sophie Baek, he’d had grass stains on his jeans.
It was a ridiculous thing to remember. He didn’t remember the trembling brush of his fingers against her cheek, or the way her heart had hammered so violently she thought he must surely hear it, not even the kiss itself.
The bloody grass stains.
Bright green smudges across faded denim.
Because ten minutes earlier they had been sprinting across a hill like complete idiots, laughing so hard neither of them could breathe, desperately trying to stop a kite from nose-diving into a hedge.
The memory struck Sophie so hard she almost turned around and left.
The field looked exactly the same.
The same stretch of grass.
The same rolling hill.
The same endless sky.
Only now it was filled with families and children and brightly coloured kites dancing in the June wind.
And somehow that made it worse.
Because this place belonged to him, to them, to their beginning.
“Sophie!”
She barely had time to brace herself before arms wrapped around her.
Hyacinth, Warm and familiar and loved.
Sophie hugged her back automatically.
“You came.”
“I said I would.”
This had been months ago, before everything, before fourteen days of silence.
Before a single careless sentence had somehow unravelled her entire world.
Hyacinth pulled back and studied her, concern flickering immediately across her face.
“You look exhausted.”
Sophie’s laugh felt brittle. “Thank you.”
“You know what I mean.” said the teenage girl looking concerned. They didn’t know much of what went on, or at least Sophie didn’t know how much she knew but from the look on Hyacinth’s young face, Sophie knew exactly what she meant
That she looked exactly how she felt, tired, lost, homesick for a place that she had no idea if it existed still.
Because for two weeks she’d been sleeping on a friend’s sofa, surrounded by borrowed blankets and borrowed space, trying to understand how one moment could hurt so much.
Not because Benedict had been cruel, God, that would’ve been easier, not because he’d stopped loving her because truthfully that would’ve been easier too.
No, the problem was that Benedict loved her and she’d never expected him to be the one who hurt her in any way, let alone the way he did…
Hyacinth squeezed her hand.
“I’m glad you’re here.”
Before Sophie could answer, her gaze drifted across the field and her heart and everything stopped as she saw him.
Benedict.
Standing on the opposite side of the hill, watching her.
The air vanished from her lungs.
For a moment neither moved.
The crowd disappeared.
The noise disappeared.
There was only him.
His dark jumper.
His hands shoved into his pockets.
The exhaustion written across every line of his face.
Two weeks, how had it only been two weeks.
And somehow he looked older, as though the absence of her had settled into his bones.
Hyacinth followed her gaze, “Oh.”
The single syllable carried enough understanding to make Sophie’s chest ache.
“He almost didn’t come.”
Sophie’s stomach twisted. “Why?”
Hyacinth’s expression softened, “You know why.”
Then, because Hyacinth Bridgerton had always known exactly when to leave people alone, she squeezed Sophie’s shoulder and disappeared into the crowd.
Leaving them separated by nothing but a field, and fourteen days…
Benedict started walking.
Slowly, carefully, as though one wrong movement might send her running, and it very nearly did but instead, the sight of him approaching dragged Sophie backwards through time.
Back to the kitchen.
Back to the night everything changed.
~*~
“You’ve apologised six times.”
Sophie looked up from her laptop. “I’m sorry.”
Benedict laughed softly. “Seven.”
For a moment she smiled but then the smile disappeared, immediately, replaced with tension and worry.
Lately everything felt too heavy.
Work.
Deadlines.
The constant pressure to be perfect.
The fear of failing.
The fear of disappointing everyone.
The fear of becoming exactly what she’d always believed she was. Not enough.
“Benedict?”
“Hm?”
“Do you think I’m being ridiculous?”
His expression softened instantly, “No.”
“Be honest.”
“I am.”
She looked back at her screen, unsure why she kept asking.
Perhaps because some part of her always needed reassurance.
Even after all these years.
Even after all his love.
“What if everyone else is managing and I’m just…”
She trailed off as she saw him rub tiredly at his face.
He looked exhausted, Anthony had been driving him mad for days, the gallery exhibition was falling apart and his phone hadn’t stopped ringing and none of it had anything to do with her.
She was not the cause of his exhaustion but unfortunately, the weariness that came with it, rarely cared where it landed.
“You don’t have to be perfect.” he said offhandedly.
“I know.”
“You don’t.”
“I know.”
“Sophie.”
“I’m trying… it’s just… I don’t know” The words escaped before she could stop them, the same words she’d been saying for days
And suddenly something in Benedict snapped.
Not violently, not cruelly, Just… humanly.
“For God’s sake, Sophie.” The words landed harder than he’d intended. “Do you know how exhausting it is having this same conversation over and over again?”
Silence fell over their living room, it was immediate and complete as though a bomb had gone off and Sophie froze, her world seemed to narrow, her chest tightened and her hands suddenly felt cold as she let out a little “Oh.”
Benedict knew instantly, She saw it happen, Saw the regret flood his face.
“Sophie.”
“No.”
She stood quickly, too quickly for Benedict’s liking, “I’m sorry.” her apology escaped automatically, the way apologies always had “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I was doing it again.”
Again.
The word seemed to physically hurt him.
“Sophie, that’s not what I meant.”
“It’s okay.”
She couldn’t look at him, she just couldn’t, because something inside her had gone frighteningly still, the place she’d spent years burying had suddenly burst open, and not because Benedict was frightening, not because she thought he’d hurt her, because she knew exactly what came after those words… she knew what had always come after that word…
Her body remembered before her mind could catch up.
“It’s fine.” she said dismissively, still not looking at him.
“Sophie.” He moved towards her.
And she flinched, it was a tiny movement, it was barely noticeable but it was enough…
Enough that horror flooded both their faces, immediately. “I’m sorry.”
Again, she was always sorry, always apologising.
Even now. When he knew she hadn’t done anything wrong. She’d been after reassurance…
“Sophie, please look at me.”
She couldn’t, it was as though if she looked at him she might cry, and if she cried she might break. “I’m tired.”
The lie sounded pathetic.
But it was all she had.
“I think I’m just going to bed.”
She’d gone up to bed hours before Benedict followed, he knew he should have done straight away but at the same time, he knew she needed space.
He knew pushing her now would force the wall up and he knew she needed to have the time to get out of her head.
But as she lay there in their huge bed, it felt impossibly empty.
She curled herself tightly against the edge, trying not to think, trying not to feel, trying not to hear those words again, trying not to let her past seep into her bones and ruin everything. Willing the voice in her head to shut up.
When the mattress dipped beside her she squeezed her eyes shut, fighting against the tears that were filling her eyes as the voice in her head screamed louder and louder, the same words that always followed physical pain…
She heard Benedict moving around quietly, heard him brushing his teeth, changing clothes, giving her space, the way he always did when he knew she needed time.
Eventually the lights went out and the darkness settled over them like a tidal wave
For a long moment neither spoke, then the mattress shifted and Benedict moved closer.
Instinctively, the way he always did, his arm slid around her waist, it was meant to mean home, Safety, even Love.
But tonight, Sophie’s body jerked, a sharp inhale escaped before she could stop it.
Benedict froze, immediately.
The room fell silent.
“Sophie?”
She swallowed hard.
Forced herself to stay still.
Forced herself not to pull away.
Because this was Benedict.
Her Benedict.
The man she loved.
The man who had spent years helping her heal.
“I’m sorry.” she said again, unable to help herself
His voice broke, “you don’t need to be” he said
Her tears started again, silent, invisible, hidden in darkness.
“I know but i am.”
After a moment he pressed a kiss against her shoulder, gentle and familiar, as he settled beside her unaware that her silent tears fell, holding her exactly the way he always had.
Eventually his breathing deepened, sleep claiming him.
Believing tomorrow would fix everything.
Yet Sophie stayed awake.
Listening.
Crying silently.
Watching moonlight crawl across the ceiling.
Until finally she realised she couldn’t do it.
Not yet.
Not tomorrow.
Not while everything still hurt.
Carefully she lifted his arm.
Trying not to wake him.
His hand followed her instinctively, searching for her even in sleep.
The sight nearly destroyed her and the note took seconds.
Two Words: I’m sorry.
Then she left. certain she’d be gone for a day, maybe two, certain she’d come back when her head was back on, certain she’d figure it out…
She never imagined fourteen days would pass.
~*~
The memory shattered.
The field returned, the wind, the kites and the sight of Benedict.
Only a few feet away now, close enough to touch, but yet neither spoke.
For a moment they simply looked at each other, taking in the damage, the sleepless nights.
The grief, the absence.
“You came.” The words were stupid, he knew they were, he knew they were pointless.
But still he said them anyway, like he knew he had to be the one to start…
Sophie’s laugh trembled, “I promised Hyacinth.”
A sad smile touched his face, “That sounds like you.”
Silence. above them, a bright blue kite soared across the sky.
Their kite had been blue, the ridiculous one Benedict still kept in the wardrobe.
The one Sophie pretended not to know about.
“I love you.”
The words escaped him before he could stop them.
Sophie’s breath caught, Benedict shook his head as though frustrated with himself.
As though he’d intended to say something else, something smarter, something less desperate.
Instead he simply repeated it, “I love you Sophie.”
His eyes never left hers. “I loved you two weeks ago.”
His voice cracked. “I loved you every day you were gone and every day before you were gone”
The wind whipped through the grass. “I love you now.”
Sophie’s eyes filled immediately, because she’d never doubted that, not once. He told her every day before that night that he loved her and somehow that was the problem.
If he’d stopped loving her, she would’ve understood.
If he’d been cruel, she would’ve understood.
Instead he loved her and yet she’d still been hurt. Hurt in a way she never thought he’d be able to.
“You hurt me.” The confession came out small.
Benedict closed his eyes, like she’d physically struck him with her words
“I know.”
“No.” Tears slipped down her cheeks. “You don’t.”
His jaw tightened, “Then tell me.” The desperation in his voice nearly broke her, “Please… Because I don’t understand how to fix something if I don’t understand what I broke.”
The honesty of it hurt.
Because he meant it.
Every word.
Sophie looked away, towards the kites dancing overhead.
Towards the place where they had first fallen in love.
Then finally she whispered,
“It wasn’t what you said.”
Benedict frowned. “It was.”
She shook her head. “It was that it was you who said it.”
The words hung between them, Benedict stopped breathing.
And suddenly he understood, it had not been the sentence.
Not even the word… it had been Him.
The one person she’d trusted completely, the one person whose words mattered, the one person she’d never expected to hear them from…
Pain flashed across his face, it was raw and terrible “I know… I know that now… I just… I’m sorry, what I said… it was wrong. You are not exhausting. You are not ridiculous, You took the brunt of my frustration, we were both frustrated and upset and instead of giving you the reassurance you needed… I pushed you into the place I promised to protect you from… but I can’t lose you Soph… not because of this”
He paused, his blue eyes meeting her dark ones, imploring her to understand, but she was barely looking at him and so he continued “I can live with you hating me.”
This caused Sophie’s head to snap and she saw his eyes glistening, “If that’s what you need.” His voice shook. “If you’re angry, if you’re hurt, if you never forgive me… if you need to hate me right now then please… do… just… don’t… don’t leave me”
“Benedict…”
“I can live with you hating me.” He took a shaky breath, then finally said the thing that had been living inside him for fourteen days, “I just can’t live without you.”
The world seemed to stop, the wind seemed to pause, the grass didn't move. The clouds didn’t move in the sky.
Everything was still. Everything was gone.
There was only Benedict.
Standing in the field where they’d first fallen in love.
Looking as broken as she felt.
And for the first time in two weeks, Sophie took a step towards him.
Not forgiveness.
Not yet.
But hope.
And sometimes hope was enough to start finding your way home.