Chapter Text
Haewon - Year 18 of this Shit
Haewon pulled her mask down to take a sip of her iced Americano. Relief flooded her body — or maybe that was just the caffeine. She felt good either way. Airport security had been a breeze, nobody had recognized her, and in less than an hour she'd be on her way out of the country and into the rest of her life.
Not that she'd really expected to be recognized, not when she was in her full incognito outfit of sweats, glasses, mask, and baseball cap. But Haewon wasn't really the type to feel totally secure about any situation, even when it was something she'd done a million times. And she honestly wasn't used to moving around in total secret like this. There had been a time when she felt relatively invisible out on the street, the member of NMIXX least likely to be recognized out in public.
That was no longer the case. In the seven years since the group disbanded, Haewon had become nearly ubiquitous in South Korean pop culture. She was a prolific actress and variety show guest, host of her own highly viewed YouTube channel, and, of course, a K-Pop soloist. Granted, her solo music career hadn't been quite as award-filled as she might've hoped (not yet, anyway) but that wasn't really relevant. The point was that Haewon was more recognizable than she'd ever been in her life, making being spotted at the airport a legitimate worry.
She'd taken every precaution, planned the whole trip entirely on her own without telling a soul, even canceled a couple of schedules at the very last minute. But no matter what preparations she might take, Haewon was always mentally and emotionally prepared for things to go exactly the opposite of the way she wanted them to. It was a habit that wrecked her relationships with people just as often as it was completely and totally validated.
"Excuse me, but are you Haewon?"
See? Validated. Her mask had been down just long enough for a single sip of coffee, and now she'd been caught. Betrayed by the caffeine.
Haewon smiled — with her eyes, at least — as she turned to face this new threat. He was a nervous-looking young man, probably in his early twenties or so, and he wasn't holding a phone or any other recording device. Probably not a fansite or a sasaeng or anything, then, just an ordinary fan, and one who at least had the good manners to approach her discretely. She could probably navigate this encounter without all her plans being spoiled.
"You caught me," she said, employing the full power of her acting skills to sound as if she had absolutely no desire to murder him whatsoever. "Good eyes."
"I'm sorry to bother you like this," he said, "but I'm a huge fan."
"Don't worry about it," she said. "I'd offer you a selfie, but I'm kind of in disguise."
"Oh no, I totally understand. But do you think I could maybe get your autograph?"
He grabbed a photocard off the side of his bag. It was from her second-to-last solo album, the one where she'd done sort of punk rocker vibe. But the card was inside a well-worn Haengmani holder that must have been at least a decade old. A real blast from the past. There was something almost portentous about this, though whether it was a good or bad portent, Haewon didn't dare guess.
She produced the pen she typically used for signatures — a seasoned celeb always has one on hand — and accepted the photocard. "Okay, I'll sign this on one condition. You don't say anything about seeing me or getting my autograph today for, let's say… two weeks. I'm going on a personal vacation, just taking some time to get away, and don't really want a lot of attention. You understand, right? So if you could wait until I make it back home…"
The fan nodded vigorously. "Of course, of course. I won't say a thing, I swear."
"What a good kid. I appreciate it." Haewon darted off a signature and one of her stock "personalized" messages before returning the photocard.
"Thank you so much! Your music means so much to me, and…"
Haewon tuned out as he rambled on about how big of a fan he was. She appreciated the sentiment, of course, but it was sort of a bad time. She had bigger things on her mind.
"It was nice to meet you," she cut in during a lull in the monologue.
"Oh, uh, yeah! It was nice to meet you too. Thank you again!"
He could take a hint, at least.
After he had finally buzzed off, Haewon chucked her Americano in the trash. She wouldn't risk taking her mask down again until she was safely in the air, maybe not even until she disembarked. At least she'd been caught at the airport coffee shop and not at her gate, otherwise that fan would've figured out exactly where she was headed.
Australia.
A former NSWER like him, learning that Haewon was bound for the country of kangaroos and koalas? Forget about it. After the way things with NMIXX had ended, no amount of sweet talk on her part could've kept him from spreading the word across social media. To a longtime fan, Oh Haewon heading in secret to Australia could mean only one thing: Haewon and Lily were finally patching things up.
That was, of course, exactly what Haewon was planning. The only issue — and the reason she couldn't let the word get out — was that Lily didn't know about it just yet.
Lily, too, had been fairly successful in the years since NMIXX. She was now an Australia-based indie singer-songwriter, although she did return to Korea every once in a while for the occasional collaboration or Korean single. Unlike Haewon, she'd focused almost entirely on her music (which was very Lily) and had even gotten a couple of nominations for the big American award shows, an achievement Haewon was only a little bit jealous of.
Lily was also a loud, proud, and open lesbian, having publicly come out just before the release of her first solo album — the sort of cynical marketing move Haewon couldn't help but respect. She had even been in a public relationship with another indie musician over there in Australia for a few years. They'd broken up a year or so ago, though. Haewon might have been monitoring every mention of their relationship, might have smiled just a bit when she read the short post on Lily's Instagram announcing the breakup. Who could say?
The point was that Lily had secured her name among the notable gay musicians and LGBTQ+ advocates of the world, just as Haewon supposed she'd always been destined to.
By all accounts, Lily and Haewon were both thriving in their own spheres post-NMIXX. It was the best outcome anyone could have asked for, except for one tiny issue.
Haewon was completely, utterly miserable.
It took her awhile to realize this. She thought she just needed to become more successful, more popular, more talented, more, more, more. That she just needed to finally satisfy that unending drive that had been pushing her since she was a child and then, finally, she would be happy.
But then she'd seen that damn social media post about the seven year anniversary of NMIXX's disbandment.
NMIXXUpdater: Today is the seven year anniversary of NMIXX's final performance. As of today, NMIXX has been inactive for the exact same amount of time as they were active.
MeepLord: That's so sad!
CommanderJiwoo: I miss them so much every day!
HaelyRememberer: bruh, why would the fuck would you post this
Haewon sat there, alone in the very nice apartment her success had bought her, staring at her phone, at their debut picture, at 20 year old Lily with her short, oreo hair, and finally realized that she'd been miserable for seven whole years. Miserable since the day NMIXX ended.
Since the last moment she saw Lily.
It became obvious, then, that Lily was what Haewon was missing, that pushing her away had been the biggest mistake Haewon ever made. Destroying NMIXX in the process had been bad too, of course, but losing Lily? That was the thing that had really ruined Haewon's life.
What they’d had was a once in a lifetime kind of deal — they literally called each other soulmates! — and Haewon had thrown it all away, her one chance for true happiness. And for what? Because she was afraid of losing control, of being vulnerable, of just letting life happen, letting things go how they would even if they might go wrong?
Well, things had gone wrong. Everything in Haewon's life had been wrong for seven fucking years.
It was fine, though. It would all be fine. She was going to fly to Australia and win Lily back.
Everything would work out, because Haewon had a plan.
***
Lily - Year 0
Lily had a plan.
Okay, maybe "plan" was an overstatement. It was a fairly simple proposal, really, but Lily did feel clever for thinking it up. And it had involved figuring out a way to get the new trainee alone — did that not qualify as a plan? Even if all she had to do was wait until the new girl, who tended to be one of the last to leave after lessons, was alone in the practice room?
Lily certainly felt better thinking of it as a plan. It gave her some much needed confidence, because honestly? She was nervous. Oh Haewon was just about the furthest from physically imposing a human could be, yet she intimidated Lily. There was something to the way she held herself, the way she conducted herself. She radiated an aura like she was going places and knew it.
This was almost certainly true, too. Haewon had beaten out more than ten thousand other hopefuls in an open audition to earn her spot, and by singing Beyoncé’s "Halo," of all songs. Lily hadn't had the chance to hear Haewon sing it then, but she'd heard it since (Haewon did not require much prompting to bust that one out) and all she could say was: wow.
Haewon was the only other trainee around Lily’s age who could compete with her in singing. That wasn't Lily being conceited or pompous, it was just the reality of the situation. Plenty of the others were good, for sure, but none of them had ever been able to sing even close to her level. Lily still had the edge on Haewon, for sure, but it was not a wide gap.
In every other category, though, Haewon had her beat. She was a better dancer than Lily by an order of magnitude, a hardcore perfectionist who always earned full marks for the non-talent based elements of evaluation scoring — attitude, punctuality, things like that which Lily wasn't quite as fastidious about. In the short time Haewon had been with JYPE she'd leapt to the top of the rankings. Lily, the so-called "legendary trainee," couldn't compete. There were still the older girls, of course, the ones who were on track to debut as a group sometime in the next couple of years, but among the trainees whose futures were still uncertain, Haewon was firmly number one.
Suffice to say, Haewon was a little scary. But all of these things that made her so intimidating were exactly the reasons Lily needed to talk to her. So, choking back her nerves, Lily hung back as the other trainees filtered out of the room after practice and, when they were alone, tapped Haewon on the shoulder.
"Haewon? Could I talk to you for a second?"
Haewon gave her a completely blank look. "Sure, Unnie. What's up?"
Lily wasn't sure Haewon had ever called her "Unnie" before. Though come to think of it, she wasn't sure they ever spoken at all.
"Well, I had an idea I wanted to run by you. Would you be interested in practicing together? Outside of our regular training, I mean. We're both at a pretty similar skill level, so I think the extra practice would be really good for both of us."
Haewon folded her arms. "You've been looking at the evaluation scores, huh?"
"Oh, I guess so? I don't really pay too much attention to that kind of stuff."
"A likely thing to say when you're number two."
"What?"
"I'm saying," Haewon spoke now as if to a small child, "that it's easy to claim you don't care about the numbers when you're losing."
Lily let out a nervous laugh. "I suppose I just don't think about it that way? I've never been particularly numerically motivated. But back to my suggestion…"
"I'm talking about your suggestion," Haewon said. "Think about it: I'm number one. You're number two. Why in the world would I want to help you potentially pass me up?"
Lily blinked. Was this girl for real? Maybe Oh Haewon was even scarier than she'd given her credit for.
"I just thought we could help each other. We could work on our vocals together, you could give me some tips on dancing…"
"Can I be honest with you?" Haewon asked.
"Yeah, of course!"
"I don't know if you're actually serious about this."
"About us practicing together?" Lily was confused. "I'm not joking, if that's what you're asking."
"No, I mean about all of this. Singing, dancing, becoming an idol. Because right now you're acting very unserious."
Lily scoffed. "I'm one hundred percent serious. This is the only thing I've wanted to do since I was little."
"Really?" Haewon asked. "Because you could be working harder. I've been watching you, you know. You've got a lot of natural talent, obviously, but you rely too much on it. Things have come too easy for you, and I'm not sure you'd know how to deal with a wall when you finally hit one. I see you burning out and giving up when things get tough."
Now Lily was getting a little angry. "I work very hard, thank you very much. It takes more than raw talent to get where I've gotten. There have been plenty of walls, believe you me. And no, I don't really care about the rankings, because I don't know about you, but my goal isn't just to get a high score on the evaluations. Maybe you just want to see a number go up, but my goal is to be an artist."
"I'm going to debut," Haewon insisted. "The numbers going up help with that."
"If anything," Lily continued. "I'm more committed to this than you. I mean, I moved to an entirely different country, left behind everything I knew, learned a whole new language just to do this exact thing. You ride a bus from Incheon a few hours a day? No offense, but I think I kind of blow you out of the water on this one."
Haewon laughed so quickly and unexpectedly that she let out a snort. Lily had never seen the other girl lose her composure like that.
"Sorry," Haewon said, still giggling, "I just didn't expect that from you."
"Well whatever your impression of me is, it's obviously incomplete. Maybe there's more to me than meets the eye."
"Maybe there is," Haewon conceded. She'd dropped the cold, judgmental manner and was now regarding Lily with curiosity.
"And look, it’s not just about debuting, either," Lily added. "Obviously we both want to debut, but more than that, the goal is to be the best you can possibly be, isn't it? Debuting is just a, uh…"
Lily blanked. She was fairly fluent in Korean by this point, but she still lost the word she was looking for every now and again.
"Opportunity, chance…" she muttered to herself in English. "How do I say this?"
"Opportunity," Haewon offered in Korean.
"Thanks." It took Lily a beat to realize what had just happened. "Wait, you speak English?"
"I wouldn't say I 'speak' English," Haewon said with a shrug. "It's not like I'm fluent, I was just good at English class in school. A swallow bumped into a crow in the woods."
"Oh-em-gee, your pronunciation is so good! You sound practically American."
Haewon scoffed. "It's really not that good."
"This is perfect," Lily said. "We definitely have to work together now. You can help me when I struggle with Korean, and I could help you with English, too. It's always good to be able to speak another language as an idol, right?"
"This is true," Haewon agreed in English.
"So what do you say?" Lily asked. "Want to give this a try?"
Haewon acted as if she were considering this very seriously, though Lily was pretty sure she'd already made up her mind.
"Alright then, Lily Jin Park Morrow. You've convinced me." Haewon extended her hand for a shake. "Let's work together."
Lily smirked as she accepted the handshake. "Oh Haewon, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." This last bit she quoted in English.
"Was that supposed to be like a quote or something?" Haewon asked.
"I have so many English references to teach you. This is going to be great."
***
Haewon - Year 18
Haewon drove nice and slow. She wasn't a bad driver — at least not as bad as people assumed from that decade-old video of her failing horribly at the simulation — but she wasn't exactly the best, either. She just didn't get a lot of practice, was the thing. And considering that Australians liked to drive on the wrong side of the road, she'd decided to take her time and drive carefully, no matter how much it pissed off the local motorists.
She was in no real hurry, anyway. The plane had landed fairly early in the morning, and while Haewon's plan was to catch Lily at home, unprepared for company, she didn't want to show up while Lily was still asleep. Any advantage Haewon would gain from catching the older woman off-guard would just be countered by the annoyance of having woken her up. As long as Haewon rang Lily's doorbell somewhere in the range of 10-11AM, she figured she would be good.
Of course, she'd still get there a little earlier, just to scope things out. God, Haewon was basically a sasaeng at this point, wasn't she?
Haewon did her best to ignore this realization. She thought instead of when she and Lily had first met eighteen years earlier. Had it really been almost twenty years? Two decades? Haewon could still remember it all vividly, her first impression of Lily, that first conversation when Lily had convinced her they should practice together.
Haewon's first impression had not been positive. She'd used to tell that cute little story about how, when she first joined JYPE, the only person she had eyes for in that little training room was Lily. But the truth, the one that she had never — and would never — tell to Lily or anyone else, was that she had hated Lily. She hated how this so-called legendary trainee was so obviously deficient in so many ways: dancing, discipline, the Korean language. She hated how, in spite of those weaknesses, Lily still persisted, still got praised, and worst of all, was still a much better singer than Haewon. Her greatest desire had been to beat Lily, to humble her so bad that she quit the whole company, gave up on her dreams.
In a way, Haewon had been Lily's very first anti.
But then she'd met Lily, actually met her, and she'd fallen in love. Haewon hadn't known it was love at the time, wouldn't realize or accept that for years, but that was what it was. Haewon was in love with Lily. Yet, at the same time, she never totally stopped hating her. Hating her for being so talented, so hardworking, so beautiful. But those feelings were okay, she'd thought, when they were just friends and teammates. It was a friendly rivalry, motivation for Haewon to keep challenging herself, to keep getting better.
It was when she realized the hate was all tied up in love that things really got complicated.
But that was all water under the bridge. Haewon was a big girl, now. She knew how to manage her emotions, how to be fucking normal. This time things would be different. This time she would get the girl and she wouldn't screw it up at all.
This time, she had a plan.
Said plan hit its first snag, though, when Haewon finally arrived at her destination. She'd been expecting a nice, somewhat remote house or a fancy apartment building. Instead she found herself outside of what appeared to be a post office.
She double-checked the address, then smacked herself in the head. How stupid was she that she had driven all the way here without realizing she had the address to a fucking P.O. Box?
It was what she deserved, Haewon supposed. She'd tricked the address out of Bae, telling her that she wanted to send Lily an apology letter. It wasn't a total lie — Haewon was going to apologize — she was just planning to do it in-person. Bae Jinsol, sweet, precious, caring Bae Jinsol, would never have agreed to be part of Haewon's plan to accost Lily in-person with no warning or invitation. But Haewon knew she wouldn't be able to resist the idea of a heartfelt apology letter.
Haewon felt a little bad about the manipulation, but the way she figured it, Jinsol couldn't be mad about it if everything worked out and the rift between her and Lily was finally repaired.
And if her plan didn't work? Well, easier not to even contemplate that possibility.
But now everything was in jeopardy, and from an issue Haewon should've been able to anticipate. Plenty of public figures had separate mailing and home addresses, so why wouldn't Lily? Whether or not Jinsol knew Lily's home address — visiting Lily in Australia seemed like something she might do — Haewon's cover story had been sending a letter. Jinsol would only ever have given her the mailing address regardless.
Well, whatever. Haewon hadn't even purchased a return ticket — why plan for failure? — and had no qualms about canceling any upcoming schedules if it came to that. She was, for all intents and purposes, in Australia indefinitely.
Haewon had all the time in the world. She could spare a few days for a stakeout.