Work Text:
Donald “Donnie” Trump woke up and looked out the window at the beautiful day outside. He went to his closet and dressed in a black hoodie, gray shorts and black and white striped socks, before pulling his hair up in a messy bun and heading downstairs.
“Quite frankly, mom, we need to increase the gas prices!” he called down the stairs cutely.
“You stupid, fat, dumb bitch, come downstairs, I need to tell you something!” she yelled back.
“Quite frankly, what’s going on, mom?”
“I’m selling you to One Direction. I need the money, and you’re not making me any, so they’re here to pick you up,” she said, cruelly.
“Quite frankly, but mommmmm.”
“They’re outside, get in their trunk and leave.”
Huffing, Donnie went outside, where he saw five big, beautiful men waiting for him. The members of One Direction stood before him: Megamind, Shrek, Netanyahu, Morten Messerschmidt, and, of course, the beloved of the fanbase: Freddy Fazbear.
“Hey, baby girl,” he said handsomely. “We’ve come to take you, but don’t worry, we’ll be gentle.”
“Yeah!” exclaimed Megamind. “All will be just hip, girl!”
“High five!” said Shrek, as he did three backflips towards Donnie. The tiny, petite, gentle little man did not raise his hand, and so, the green ogre spun another three times before tripping on his shoelaces and falling.
“Welcome, my fair bitch,” Morten Messerschmidt said formally.
Netanyahu just stared.
“Quite frankly, hmph,” huffed Donnie. “Why did you choose me? I’m only a petite 5’3 79-year-old man with long, blonde hair and a beautiful hourglass figure.”
“We saw you at the concert, my stunning four-legged kangaroo, and decided we just hor hor HAD to have you,” flirted Freddy Fazbear.
Suddenly, he remembered the One Direction concert he attended with his best friend/greatest enemy, JD Vance. His pal was a mega fan of the band and had gotten them front row seats. However, Donnie didn’t really care about such trivial things and had brought a book with him to read. Only once did he look up from the fascinating pages, and he had noticed that the whole band was staring at him, mesmerized. Flustered, he hid his face behind the book and ignored everything else for the rest of the concert.
JD Vance beat his ass afterwards.
Remembering this, Donnie started stuttering about cancel culture, Jeffrey Epstein, and gas prices for a whole minute, but heroically, Freddy Fazbear hugged him until he calmed down.
Looking into the eyes of the beautiful brown bear, Donnie got reminded of Bill Clinton, who died tragically in a car accident 2 days ago. Sure, he had been driving the car at the time, but that doesn’t matter.
Mesmerized, Donnie decided that maybe this illegal kidnapping wouldn’t be so bad. He let Freddy Fazbear take his dainty hand and lead him to the trunk of the car. He lay down inside it and listened as the engine roared to life, driving into the sunset and towards a new future…