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Her face is illuminated by the glare of the computer; her eyes are wide, shining with unshed tears.
She’d only been trying to understand Ranpo, not herself.
Around two days ago, Ranpo had sat her and Fukuzawa down and told them both that he was agender. He’d explained that he was still who he always had been, Yosano and Fukuzawa had not been worried considering he said that through a mouth filled with gummy worms.
That he now would use he/they pronouns and would prefer gender neutral terms used for him. He ended it by telling the both of them that if they had any questions to ask him personally but keep it short since he was tired and wanted to go take a nap.
Fukuzawa reassured them that he would always love and take care of them no matter what.
Yosano had told them that those gummy worms were hers and she was going to kill him.
Ranpo had called her transphobic.
Yosano called him misogynistic.
Fukuzawa had put his head in his hands.
Now in the present a tear slips from her eye as she stares unblinking at the screen.
The feeling of gender being absent.
She finally blinks. Some tears trail down her face, mostly moisture from not blinking for too long.
She has never liked being a girl.
Being a girl is hard, men have shown her that, along with some women. People look at her and expect things. They expect a calm and cool nurse, someone who will remind them of their little sisters, of their mother, of that girl back home.
She is none of those things.
And now she realizes she may not even be a girl.
Being gender neutral in relation to the gender binary.
She does enjoy some things about being a girl. She enjoys dresses, she likes how she looks, mostly, she just doesn't enjoy thinking about how others might look at her. She likes makeup and being around other girls.
She might not mind being a woman. Just maybe she does not enjoy having the label forced onto her.
She looks at the computer again, and the agender flag stands proud on a small part of the screen.
It shouldn't matter at all, but she likes the colors; she would look good in them.
She's never really thought about it before, but she's never thought about herself in any sort of gendered way.
Not identifying with any gender, finding the concept of "gender" to be personally irrelevant or rejecting it for oneself.
Gender has always been something that was handed to her. She enjoys what she enjoys; gender has never really affected that.
If she liked to wear pants, then she would wear pants; if she wanted a suit, she would get a suit. She just prefers the more feminine side of fashion.
But Ranpo is agender, and he doesn't enjoy feminine clothing.
Maybe style doesn't matter?
She swallows.
Those who are agender do not need to transition physically, legally, or socially to be agender.
She's going to have to talk to Ranpo.
₊˚⊹ 𐦍༘⋆₊ ⊹
Yosano glares at Ranpo, who sits across from her, chewing on more of her gummy worms.
“You’re getting me more,” she hisses.
Ranpo looks her dead in the eye and swallows a gummy worm whole.
Yosano gags, Ranpo grins. “So what did you want to talk about?” Ranpo asks.
“How did you know you were agender?”
Ranpo shrugs. “I found it online. I was bored and stumbled on the term. I’ve never felt like anything, I guess. I like how I am just, ya know,” he opens one eye, “it’s nice to put a label on things sometimes.” His eye closes once more. “Besides some days I do like being a they more than a he.”
Yosano nods. “Could you maybe…”
Ranpo nods; he already knows what she wants. “This is Yosano; they're in school to be a doctor, and they’ll kick your ass.”
Yosano lets the sentence settle in the air. “I,” she takes a deep breath, “I like it.”
“Over she?”
“I like both, I think?”
“You think?”
She huffs. “I know Ranpo.”
“What about he/him?”
Yosano shakes her head. “No thank you."
“Reasonable,” Ranpo says, then grins. “I can't believe you’re copying me.”
“I am not!”
“Are too!”
Yosano growls and leaps across the table to snatch the packet of gummy worms from Ranpo. She yanks the bag away from him with a triumphant cry.
The bag is easily crushed in her hand, and she narrows her eyes as she realizes it's empty.
When she looks back at Ranpo's chair, he’s gone.
She huffs, that's two gummy worm packets he owes her now.
₊˚⊹ 𐦍༘⋆₊ ⊹
“So,” Yosano begins.
It's the same setting as a week ago, except this time it’s them in the hot seat instead of Ranpo.
Fukuzawa sits silently, and Ranpo eats some marshmallows that, thankfully, belong to him.
“I’m agender. I use she/they pronouns,” Yosano states
Fukuzawa nods. “If I may ask, have you always felt like that?”
Yosano nods. “I guess, I've always felt disconnected to gender but I thought that was just because of…”
Fukuzawa nods and Yosano sighs in relief.
“I thought about it a few years ago, that maybe I was a trans boy. But,” they shake their head, “I’m not a boy, I thought the only other option was to be a girl,” they grumble. “I guess thanks to Ranpo I realized I don’t have to be anything.”
“Thank you for telling me,” Fukuzawa says with a smile. “I knew you both were similar in many ways.”
Ranpo grumbles and Yosano reaches across the table to snatch some marshmallows. Ranpo shrieks as Yosano darts out of the room.
Fukuzawa sighs and his head drops into his hands as Ranpo chases after them.
₊˚⊹ 𐦍༘⋆₊ ⊹
The next morning next to Yosano's school lunch is a packet of gummy butterflies. She smiles as she puts it into her bag.
He still owes her another packet but she’ll let it go for now.