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Dear Bertholdt,
As your friend and leader, I have many regrets regarding my handling of you. My biggest regret is that I never truly got to be your friend. I often find myself thinking of you, reminded of you by the smallest and most random things that, I realize now, have no connection to you. This has made me think of the fact that I don’t actually know much about you. I’ve been assigning things to you that I think you might’ve liked, like the color blue or fancy shoes and knitted sweaters. However, I don’t know what your favorite color is; I never asked you. I don’t know your favorite food, what you liked to do, or your aspirations outside of being a warrior. Nothing. The only thing I remember is the surface, the awkward, nervous, and reluctant man everyone thought you to be. One thing I do know for sure is that your eyes were pale green. I caught a glimpse of them in the sun one day and was blown away. I had always thought they were dark, but they’re bright and absolutely gorgeous. Thinking back, there were so many signs of a deep interior that I completely disregarded. How could I miss that you were probably just a lover? I can assume this with confidence, you held so much love that was never brought to fruition; you were only allowed to focus on being a warrior. That is another one of my greatest regrets, I never grew to love you. Since I only knew you so superficially, I couldn’t love you as a person, and I grieve what never was between us. I could’ve at least lessened the burden of our mission by holding you or just being there for you, but I wasn’t. You deserved to be loved. You deserved to see this world I live in now, free of Ymir’s curse. I hate that the last time I saw you was in your titan form during The Rumbling. I'm not even sure if it was really you, or if you could see me. The worst part is that we had no way of knowing that eventually the power of the titans would disappear. If I could, I’d go back and do everything in my power to ensure you came home with me after Shiganshina. You would’ve survived, and you would’ve experienced true liberation, unburdened from your titan and warrior responsibilities. I find myself wondering what you’d think, if the Rumbling was justice or if Zeke’s euthanasia plan was the correct choice, or if maybe we all should’ve been wiped out. Maybe none of these because I could never figure out how you think. It's difficult to talk about you with anyone, it hurts when your name gets brought up. Usually it’s Armin, as he’s seen some of your life and memories, and he has an odd fascination with you. I’m glad people remember you, but it’s never for the right reasons. I can’t do you that justice either. I don’t know why I’m writing this letter, I thought by some chance you’d be able to see it, but that’s wishful thinking. If you can read this, I hope you’re resting in peace, Bertholdt. No amount of apologies or self pity can undo your fate, and all I wish for now is that there is a heaven just for you. Maybe I'll see you there.
Yours,
-Reiner