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Philip doesn’t know what to think. He feels like there is just pain, his whole body aches and he doesn’t even know whether it’s only because Lukas finally succeeded in breaking him or because he thought that Gabe and Helen would be different. It’s everything at once and at the same time Philip feels absolutely numb. He’s tired, he’s so tired.
And now there is Lukas, telling Helen that he saw the murder, giving Helen the gun and everything Philip can do is averting his gaze and closing his eyes. He can’t think about Lukas anymore, he just can’t.
He just wants it to end. He wants it to be over, to be away from here.
“Philip, please.” Lukas’ voice sends shivers down Philip’s spine. “Stay.” He sounds pleading, apologetic. Philip can’t stand it.
“Why?” he asks and turns back to him. Lukas’ eyes have the same expression as his voice, he looks lost, scared. And Philip hates himself for wanting to comfort him. What else does Lukas have to do for Philip to be finally able to step away from him? He can’t just … it was too much. What Lukas did was just too much. “Because you’re going to tell the whole truth?”
His words are like poison and he’s sure Lukas gets what he’s talking about because Lukas winces. Philip knows it’s not fair. It’s not fair to force an outing on someone, but honestly? Fuck being fair. Just thinking about Lukas’ words, about Lukas making Philip not just looking like a liar, but accusing him of forcing Lukas into stealing from his Dad for drugs – it turns Philip's stomach over. He couldn’t believe it, he still sort of can’t. It felt like falling, like nothing that ever happened between them meant anything to Lukas. It hurt so much, it still hurts so much that Philip doesn’t know how he’s supposed to ever look at Lukas again and not think of his calculating, cruel words. Because that’s what they had been: calculating. Lukas could have just left it, he could have just denied Gabe’s question. And he decided not to.
He sees Lukas swallow, then he turns back to Helen. “Philip was with me in the cabin.” Helen stares at him, disbelieving, and is about to say something as Lukas hastily continues. “It’s not his fault. I … I forced him not to tell anyone.”
“Why would you do that?” Helen asks, but Philip barely hears her. There’s a ringing in his ears, something nauseating in his stomach. He can’t believe that this is happening.
“I didn’t want anyone to know that we were … together.”
Lukas’ eyes meet Philip’s. And Philip feels as if everything around them just went completely still. There is nothing but Lukas eyes, full of fear, still pleading and so honest that Philip can hardly stand it.
“But why …,” Helens begins after a minute, but then she stops. When Philip looks at her he can see how she makes the right conclusion. He can see the exact moment when everything in her mind finally falls into place.
“Let me get this clear,” she starts again, “you witnessed a triple homicide and decided not to tell, you decided to hide a murder weapon, just because you were …”
“Helen.” That’s Gabe interrupting and Philip’s thankful for it, although at the same time he doesn’t want to be. A cruel part of him, not as small as Philip would like it to be, wants Helen to tell Lukas what an asshole he was. But a different part sees how Lukas shrinks, how his face shuts down and there is this feeling again: the urge to take Lukas away, to hold him, to tell him that everything’s going to be ok. Philip doesn’t want to feel this way right now. He wants to be angry at Lukas, he wants to be vicious. And he is, he really is. But he also can’t just stop to … have feelings he’s not willing to name.
“No, Gabe! This is serious!” Helen’s furious, Philip can tell.
Where Helen is enraged, Gabe’s calm. He gets out of the car, his face deliberating, his gaze flickers between Philip and Lukas. “I know,” he says finally, “but maybe not exactly now.”
It actually seems to get through to Helen, because she closes her eyes for a minute. When she opens them again, her voice is firm, with an edge in it Philip hasn’t heard before: “I’ll get the gun to the station. As soon as I’m back I want answers.”
With that she climbs into the jeep and disappears without another word, leaving a strained silence behind.
It’s Gabe who breaks it. “Want to go inside?”
Philip lifts his head. Gabe looks at him, his eyes understanding, almost soft. And Philip doesn’t want to lose this, he really doesn’t. Though he always knew that his Mom loved him, he never felt that specific security he got dangerously familiar with during those last weeks. He never felt like there was someone who had his back. But now there is Gabe and now Philip knows what it feels like and he wants this, he wants this so badly, even if they didn’t believe him, even if they didn’t try to convince him of staying.
It’s another thing he hates himself for. He never needed anyone. It’s always been him being the one who took care, him being the one who handled everything. No matter what it took. Now everything he wants is to hide. To forget that he became this broken thing, just because there’s a boy who’s too scared to stand by his side, a boy Philip is so patheticly fond of, and just because he started to experience how it’s supposed to feel like to have a family.
But finally Philip nods and gets out of the car, too tired and too hollowed out to start a fight about it. He doesn’t look at Lukas, but he can hear him following as they head into the house.
“I’ll make some coffee,” Gabe says and the next moment it’s just Philip and Lukas.
“Philip?”
Lukas’ voice is quiet, as if he’s not sure whether he’s allowed to speak. And Philip really doesn’t want him to, if he’s honest. He doesn’t want to hear it, he doesn’t want to listen to any more excuses.
“Philip … I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to …”
“Yes, you did!” Philip hisses and turns around. All of a sudden there is a rage he didn’t feel before. A rage solely directed at Lukas and Philip just gives into it. “It wasn’t enough to make me look like a liar, was it?! You had to make up that story about me forcing you to steal from your Dad! For drugs! Because what else could this fucked up city-kid with his junkie Mum possibly want?! You knew exactly what you said, Lukas!”
Maybe that’s what hurts the most. There had been one second, one precious little second in which Philip had thought Lukas would tell the truth, one unfathomable second in which Philip had felt nothing but hope. And then Lukas had opened his mouth and Philips world had completely tilted upside down. And because he cares about Lukas, because he cares so fucking much, he hadn’t even been able to deny it.
Lukas stares at him and there is hurt on his face for which Philip wants to punch him.
“I …,” he starts, but Philip interrupts him:
“I want you to leave.” He can’t stand Lukas. He can’t stand any more words, any more lies, he doesn’t want to think about why Lukas decided to tell the truth just now. He doesn’t want to think at all.
There is a moment of incredulous silence that rings in Philips ears and when Lukas makes a hesitant step towards him, Philip draws back. He doesn’t want Lukas anywhere near him, not now.
“Philip, please … let me …”
And again Philip stops him. “I don’t want to hear it. Just go.”
Lukas shakes his head, there are tears in his eyes now and Philip can see his hands tremble. He makes another step forward. “Okay.” His voice is almost breaking. “But please promise me you won’t leave.”
It feels as if Lukas hit him in the face and suddenly, seeing Lukas like that, the rage Philip so desperately wants to hold onto disappears. What remains is a tiredness Philip can’t cope with. He wants to sleep for days and he wants to wake up and realizing everything was just a horrible nightmare.
“I can’t,” he whispers. He really can’t. His eyes sting and he doesn’t want to cry in front of Lukas, anything but that. “I won’t be your lie anymore.” He has been for too long.
“You …”
“Lukas, please!” Now it’s Philip who sounds pleading, he can hear it and he hates it. “Just … go.”
For another endless minute Lukas stands there, looking at him, his face full of fear, regret, hopelessness and something Philip refuses to acknowledge. And then he turns around and leaves. As soon as the door closes behind him, Philip squeezes his eyes shut. He’s not able to prevent the tears from falling down his cheeks, not able to prevent the sobbing escaping his lips, though he presses his hand to his mouth to force it back. He feels like he’s falling apart.
Gabe told him love feels like pain. But if it feels like this, Philip’s not sure whether he wants to love ever again.