Chapter Text
Beginnings.
It was perfectly okay to not be excited to be going back to Hogwarts, he reckoned. Only months before had he witnessed the loss of so many people in his life on those grounds. Hell, he’d witnessed himself dying on the grounds. He had a right to be somewhat dreading his return.
And yet, here he was, back at platform 9¾. This should be a happy moment, he thought idly. He had everything he could really ask for, he had Sirius and Remus, he was going back to finish his education along with a select few of other students who hadn’t the opportunity of a proper seventh year, he even got to spend the summer with his new favorite person in the world, his godson.
All of these things in account, he still wasn’t sure if he could bear to face the castle. He’d have to, he knew, but that didn’t mean he was going to like it.
“You’re worried,” Sirius chimed quietly, leaning into Harry’s ear. “Happen to know you fairly well, Potter. So yes, I can tell. You know it’s going to be okay, it’s been hard for you and I worry like hell about your well being and all, but Moony will be there. And I’ll be there all the time to seeing as my HUSBAND DECIDED TO GO OFF TO WORK EVEN THOUGH WE’VE JUST GOT OUR NORMAL LIVES TOGETHER,” he ended up shouting the last part, making Remus blush wildly.
Sirius was only half kidding, he was happy that he had finally gotten his rightful job as a professor back, but he was not happy that he wouldn’t get to see him everyday. He had waited nearly eighteen years for his beloved domestic lifestyle, couldn’t blame him for wanting to soak it all up.
Harry smiled fondly at the pair of men who had become the closest things to parents Harry had ever known. The Weasleys were lovely and cared deeply about him, but Remus and Sirius were best friends with his parents, it was different. And Merlin knows that the Dursleys hadn’t done the job justice, which Sirius reminded them constantly. He had found a new hobby in sending them howlers once a week.
“I know I’ll be okay, just going to miss you and Teddy is all,” Harry lied. He didn’t know that’d he’d be okay, and it wasn’t just about missing his godfather and godson (although that was part of it). He was mostly concerned about how he would react once he unboarded the train.
Sirius gave him a weak smile, as if to say, “you’re a bloody liar Potter, but I’ll let this go for now,” and pulled him into a great hug.
“Now say goodbye to your godson while I go snog the hell out of my husband while simultaneously scolding him for leaving me,” Sirius said as they separated, practically skipping over to a still blushing Remus.
Harry knelt down in front of the stroller in front of him, “hey T, I’m going to miss you bunches, you know that, don’t you?” He whispered. Teddy drewled in response, lifting up his chubby arms, begging to be held.
Harry picked him up carefully, bouncing him slightly in his arms as the babies tuff of hair changed back and forth between blue and pink. It was like he was constantly indecisive about what color to keep his hair.
“I promise I won’t go absolutely nutters, but only for you, otherwise I probably would,” he whispered, kissing him softly on the cheek. Teddy cooed happily, grabbing at Harry’s glasses.
“I’m going to have to put a sticking charm on these I reckon,” he grumbled, gently pulling his frames from the baby’s firm grasp.
Remus stepped in carefully, smiling at the image of his child and his best friend’s child bonding. This is exactly how he’d always wanted things to be, well minus the untimely deaths of James, Lily, and Teddy’s birth mother, Nymphadora.
“May I?” He asked politely, holding his hands out to his son. Harry nodded, giving Teddy a final kiss before handing him over to his father.
“Well, I think I’m going to board,” he announced, but made no effort at walking towards the train.
“Harry, in order to board, you have to, you know, get on the train.”
“Oh shut it,” Harry laughed, taking one final hug from Sirius, “I’m actually going now, don’t miss me too much.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it, kid,” Sirius smiled, waving him off.
Harry’s good mood was already fleeting the moment he stepped on the train. He was welcomed by silence and stares, which he had expected but did not appreciate. He chose to ignore the persistent looks and walked towards the far back compartments that were reserved for the eighth years.
He suddenly wished that he had came with Ron and Hermione. Not because he didn’t want Sirius and Teddy to see him off, but because he wanted someone to walk onto the train with him. He had no idea which compartment to choose, nor where his friends were.
“Harry?”
He turned around quickly to see Ginny standing behind him, carrying an armful of trolley sweets.
“Are you looking for Ron and ‘Mione?” She asked quietly, not making eye contact with him.
He nodded slowly and carefully. They hadn’t talked at all since their breakup, which had ended with no animosity, but still proved to make things awkward.
It wasn’t that he didn’t love Ginny, he loved her a lot, like a sister. A sister that he might of snogged a few times but found that he didn’t really enjoy the romantic company of. He had been so relieved when she revealed she felt the same way about him, it just made things easier.
In fact that was the only easy thing about their breakup, the mutual platonic feelings. What wasn’t easy was explaining to her family that they weren’t actually soulmates. Molly was a bit more than disappointed, seeing as she was nearly ready to plan their wedding. The fact that things were horribly awkward between the two of them wasn’t quite easy either.
“They’re in the compartment to the left, I think they’re sitting with Neville, Dean, and Seamus. I’ll… I guess I’ll be seeing you around?”
“Thank you, yes! I mean yes we will most likely be seeing each other at our school, Hogwarts. I mean yes, I will see you around,” he sputtered, instantly feeling his face grow hot.
She giggled lightly and waved before turning around and heading back towards the prefect compartment. He nearly forgot that she had become Head Girl for Gryffindor.
He finally found his way to the compartment full of familiar faces and felt instant relief rush over him.
“Harry! Haven’t seen you in ages, how has it been, mate?” Seamus exclaimed, standing up to shake Harry’s hand.
“It’s been… good, really good,” he answered, politely taking his hand.
“Excited to be heading back to Hogwarts?” Dean asked, beaming at Harry.
“Of course,” he lied. No, Dean, I am not excited to go back to Hogwarts. How can any of us be excited to go back there when we’re missing all these people who should be here right now, Collin, Lavender, even Crabbe, his thought tangent was cut off by a light tap on his shoulder.
“Harry, you’ve spaced out again,” Hermione whispered, concern written on her face.
“Sorry, just thinking, I’m fine,” he whispered back.
He knew it was just because his friends cared about him, but their constant glances of worry and pity they shared had become annoying rather than endearing. It felt like Harry couldn’t say or do anything without Ron and Hermione having a weird couple staredown as if they were conversing through their minds. It was genuinely freaky at times, and aggravating.
“So who is coming back?” He asked, not really interested but wanting to change the subject.
“Well there’s us,” Neville said, gesturing to the six of them occupying their compartment, “then Padma Patil, Parvati decided to not come back because of Lav-” he cut himself short before finishing his sentence, looking at Harry with a worried glance as if he might burst into tears.
Harry rolled his eyes, “go on.”
Neville nodded, “Andry Morris and Jackson Teall also from Ravenclaw. Delilah Hill, Manning Smith and Stephan Wills from Hufflepuff. Pansy Parkinson, Theodore Nott, Blaise Zabini, and Draco Malfoy from Slytherin,” he finished, still not making eye contact with Harry. This whole “treat Harry like a delicate piece of china” thing was going to get old very quickly, he already sensed it.
Harry nodded, deciding that he was done talking for the time being. It wasn’t rare for him to shut down often now, he found social interactions to be exhausting now and preferred to be left with himself.
He wondered what the rooming situations would be like, there surely wasn’t room in the Gryffindor tower and he assumed the other houses didn’t have enough beds to accommodate their eighth years either. He knew their was a lot of renovations made over the summer seeing as a vast majority of the castle had been destroyed, but it still left him wondering where they could fit four more common rooms with their respective dorms.
“Where are we going to be staying,” Harry blurted, not even realizing he was interrupting a very animated conversation about Neville’s recent misplacement of Trevor.
“Not sure, didn’t say in the letter did it? Imagine they’ll have something sorted out for us,” Ron shrugged.
Harry once again gave him a silent nod, something that was becoming more common for him than talking. The prospect of not knowing where they were being placed made Harry feel even worse, and he found himself in the worst mood he had been in ages. He felt the familiar prickly feeling on his neck, and knew he had to get out of the compartment.
“Bathroom,” he said shakily, clambering out of the crowded compartment quickly. He felt instant relief as he stepped into the hallway, but knew he wouldn’t feel better until he found Remus.
Where could he be , he thought to himself, shutting his eyes and counting under his breath, a trick that Remus had shown him that summer.
He felt himself run into another body and shot his eyes open, “I-”
And there he was, Draco Malfoy. Harry still couldn’t believe he was coming back to Hogwarts. He knew about this, of course. He sat in at Draco’s trials, in fact he was the one that recommended he not be sent to Azkaban and instead finish his schooling. But standing there in front of him still seemed surreal.
“Oop,” he whispered, stupidly. He was really bad at this social interaction thing.
“Watch it, Potter. Just because you’re the ‘boy-who-lived-again’ doesn’t mean you can go pushing me around,” he drawled, but Harry noticed the faintest smile on his lips.
Harry answered with an awkward laugh, and quickly swerved around him, not forgetting his mission of finding Remus. He would think about the odd interaction later, but right then he needed to get himself sorted out.
He finally found the teachers compartment, but it was already too late, he was breathless and couldn’t speak. He stood in the doorway, staring intently at Remus until he finally looked up. He frowned, grabbed his bag, and followed Harry towards the bathrooms.
“Harry what happened? You don’t have to do this, you know, Sirius would actually love for you to stay with him,” Remus whispered soothingly. That was the best thing about Remus, he had the most calming voice Harry had ever heard, but even now it couldn’t seem to break through his wall of anxiety that was currently building by the second.
Harry just shook his head, still unable to speak, walking faster towards the back of the train.
He bursted into the small bathroom and let out a loud gasp, somewhere between a sob and a scream. He trusted that Remus had known to put a fairly strong silencing charm on the door, considering how loud these episodes tended to get.
Remus stood patiently on the other side of the door, waiting for the worst part of the attack to be over. Harry slowly emerged, looking down at the floor. He face was already tear stained and he was developing a pounding headache from the violent sobbing.
“Take this,” Remus produced a small vial of what Harry recognized as calming drought, “and eat this with it, you know it always works better with chocolate,” he smiled feebly, handing him a chocolate frog. Harry nodded solemnly in answer and shut the door again.
Yes, this is what had become of the wizarding savior of the world, reduced to tears by the smallest triggers. Remus and Sirius had told him numerous times that he shouldn’t be ashamed, they even persuaded him to see a mind healer, but at last minute Harry chickened out. So much for that Gryffindor bravery, he thought, with an ironic laugh.
A gentle knock sounded on the door, “feeling better?”
Harry took a deep breath and stepped out of the cramped bathroom, “yes, thank you.”
Remus gave him a small hug, a grand gesture seeing as he wasn’t quite touchy with anyone but Sirius, “you’re coming to my office after the feast tonight, and we’re going to talk. No excuses,” he said sternly, but his face remained gentle.
Harry could already feel the effects of the calming drought sweeping over him as he laughed lightly, “yes, mum.”
Remus rolled his eyes, “get back to your friends now, and don’t forget to come by after you’ve settled in or I will come find you.”
Harry returned back to the compartment to find everyone wearing their robes already, a sign that they were nearly there. His stomach flipped slightly, but settled once the magic of the potion rushed over him again.
Ron looked up at him with a raised eyebrow to which Harry shook his head, giving him the face that said, “not talking about this now.” Ron nodded in understanding and went on talking about quidditch again.
Harry had just dozed off when the train came to a halt, causing a loud groan to sound from his throat. He hadn’t meant to make his disinterest of school that noticeable, but it slipped in his tired stupor. Luckily for him, no one seemed to comment for once.
The carriage ride was odd, especially since a vast majority of students could see the thestrals now. Their horrified looks was just another reminder to Harry of what had occurred only months before. He hadn’t even seen the castle yet and he was already feeling exponentially more solemn than he had all summer.
He felt a gentle hand give his knee a supportive squeeze and knew it was Hermione, he turned to smile at her in thanks. If there were any two people who had any idea how he was feeling, it was Ron and Hermione. As much as their constant worrying drove him crazy, they were what he had. They were the only ones who were there for everything, and they were still the only ones who knew everything about the horcruxes.
Thinking about this made Harry feel a twinge of guilt. They loved him so much and shared everything with him, but he was still so hesitant about so much. He still hadn’t told them about how he actually did die in the forest - if only for a moment, but he was still dead. He hadn’t told them that some days he wished he hadn’t come back, but he wasn’t even sure if he truly felt that way. When he thought about those things, he figured it was just the panic attack talking, not him.
“Harry, mate, we’re here,” Ron whispered as they pulled up to the giant doors. Harry noted that they were brand new, and he felt like something was missing, like this wasn’t Hogwarts. He wasn’t sure if that made things better or worse.
The feast went on as usual, except for the seating arrangements. The eighth year students shared a table despite being different houses. Surely they wouldn’t be sharing everything he thought, there would be some house segregation.
He ended up being very, very wrong.
“In spirit of true unity, all of you will be sharing one common room, and I’ve put a list of the room assignments up in said common room. As of now, you no longer belong to a house. You are of course still encouraged to have house spirit as an alumni, but their will be no segregation determined by where you were sorted eight years ago. Do I make myself clear?”
The group of eighth years were standing in front of McGonagall on the seventh floor, in front of a painting that Harry presumed to be the entrance to their common room, much like Gryffindors. The students mumbled an agreement, but he knew that McGonagall’s idea of unity and peace would not run well with everyone.
He wondered idly if she would have been kind enough to at least sort their rooms by their old houses, but he knew that she hadn’t. She was serious about this inter-house mingling situation.
“The password is ‘flamingo’, and the rules stand the same as always, although your curfew is now at eleven. I trust that you all will cause little to no trouble,” she said with a stern look. They all nodded in unison, eager to see their new home and find out who they were rooming with.
“Well, I suppose that is all, have a good night,” and with that, she was transformed into a cat and running down the hall.
“Have you realized that our headmistress is a bloody cat?” Ron asked, staring as McGonagall in feline form scurried down the hallway towards her office.
“At least this place hasn’t gone to the dogs AMIRIGHT? HIGH FIVE!” Seamus yelled, running up to Dean for his high five. Harry suddenly felt a lot better about the entire situation. Hogwarts seemed to be so different he didn’t even feel the anxiety he was sure he would have, and his friends were going back to being more relaxed around him. It was pure bliss.
They climbed through the portrait after Delilah Hill from Hufflepuff shouted flamingo with almost too much enthusiasm. They were greeted by the most neutral room Harry had seen in Hogwarts. He had grown accustomed to house colors being everywhere, but now he was standing in a room decked in rich purple with crystal clear accents. The familiar banners of each house were now replaced with one large banner, a symbol of a unicorn adorning the rich fabric.
The furniture reminded him a bit of the Gryffindor common room except in the purple hues that were an obvious pattern. Walls of books littered the walls, probably for a sense of familiarity for the Ravenclaws. He also noted there were plenty of potted plants for the Hufflepuffs, and a small aquarium of odd sea creatures for the Slytherins. McGonagall definitely put a lot of thought into the project, and he felt a warmth spread over his body. Maybe this year really wasn’t going to be so bad.
“Oh, lovely, ” he heard a snarl coming from the center of a room where everyone was gathered. He had completely forgot about the room assignments.
Ron leant over to look at the paper and let out a boom of a laugh. Oh great, this can’t be good, Harry thought. Maybe things weren’t going to turn out as well as he hoped. “What’s so funny?” Harry asked, keeping his voice light even though he was experiencing inner turmoil.
“Mate, this has to be a sick joke, McGonagall has gone absolutely mad in her old age. Take a look for yourself,” Rong laughed, barely able to gasp out the words.
Harry groaned, he knew what was coming but he had to see it for himself.
“Room 8: Draco Malfoy & Harry Potter” He closed his eyes, not only did he have to room with Malfoy, but they had the room with the furthest climb. So much for a great year afterall.
“I have to go see Rem,” Harry saw a flash of worry in Ron’s eyes and scowled, “I’m fine, he just wanted me to come by to talk about the train incident.”
“I hope you know that I want to talk about it to when you get back, and ‘Mione will as well,” he said, his voice low so no one else could hear. Harry nodded and rushed out of the common room that he loved only minutes ago. It was already tainted. How disappointing.
“Ah good, I didn’t have to hunt you down,” Remus greeted him with a smile.
“You could have told me about the living situation,” Harry complained, his stomach knotting as the words flew out of his mouth.
Remus raised an eyebrow, “I still haven’t a clue what the living situation is, McGonagall kept it under wraps,” he said calmly.
Harry let out a deep sigh, “I’m sorry, shouldn’t have attacked you like that.”
“Forgiven, may I ask what about the living situation has you so upset?”
“Well the common room is like a big stirring pot of the different houses, a bit of everyone’s trademark things in each. Comfy couches from Gryffindor, aquariums for Slytherin, plants for Hufflepuffs, books for Ravenclaw. Oh and everything is this lush purple color, with crystal accents and our mascot is a bloody unicorn and it just screams ‘magical’”
“I take it you don’t like purple? Or unicorns? It sounds like a fantastic room, why are you so upset?” Remus asked, looking confused.
“No, it’s not the common room, the common room is fantastic. It’s my bloody roommate. I think McGonagall has lost it! We’re going to kill each other!” Harry blurted out before he could stop himself. He felt his body shudder at the word “kill.”
“Ah, so your roommate is Draco, I believe?”
Harry flushed, “how’d you know?”
“Mr.Malfoy seems to have a certain effect on you, it isn’t hard to guess. A word of advice; be civil, you don’t have to become best friends with him, but it is important to ‘play nice’ so to speak. We want to put this war behind us, no?”
Harry whined a bit but nodded. He knew he was going to have to get along with Malfoy to some extent, otherwise they would both end up seriously injured.
“Back to the reason I asked you to pay me a visit. Explain what happened today on the plane, what triggered those emotions?” His voice was soft and gentle, something he’d probably picked up to do from another muggle psychology book. Since Harry was too afraid to bring his problems to a professional, Remus had taken it upon himself to learn the basics of being a mind healer. Not only for Harry, but for Sirius and sometimes even himself.
“Well, I was a bit wound up all day, wasn’t I?” He smiled weakly, “and then I got on the train, everyone was staring, of course. And even worse, all my friends were treating me like fragile post, it’s humiliating. And then I started worrying about the rooming situation of all things and that was end game, that’s when I came and found you,” Harry struggled to not let everything out on one breath, something they had worked on.
Remus nodded, but didn’t say anything. These “sessions” as he called them were just for Harry to vent mostly, because God, did he need to vent.
“It’s just so frustrating, I’m frustrating. I get upset when they act like nothing’s happened but I also get upset when they bring it up at all. I don’t even understand why. Dean was talking about how excited he was to get back to Hogwarts and I felt like punching him in the face because I couldn’t stop thinking about everyone who didn’t get to come back with us. I even felt bad for Crabbe, and he tried to kill me!” Harry was crying now, something he only did in front of Remus and occasionally Sirius. It was still hard for him to let go, even after the gentle reassurance he received from both men.
“It’s okay to not understand yourself Harry, I don’t expect you will for a very long time. You had a shit year, well if I’m being honest, a shit life. You’ll get through this, you have a great support system and you’re a strong person by nature. You get that from your parents,” he smiled softly at Harry, his own eyes watering at the rims.
He didn’t say it often, but he was proud of Harry. He and Sirius missed out on so much because of the circumstances of war, and now he finally got to know Harry. He just wished that James and Lily could be there to see what a great man he was becoming.
“Don’t get sappy on me, Moony,” Harry whispered, a playful smile on his face, and for a moment, Remus swore James was sitting right in front of him.
Harry found himself finally back at the common room. After an hour spent in Remus office talking about his feelings and his parents, he was ready to have a light conversation. His friends on the other hand, were in the mood for something deeper.
“Harry I really wish you’d let us help you,” Hermione frowned. He had heard the phrase millions of times, it was almost as if those words strung together meant nothing anymore.
“I’m not keeping this in, if that’s what you both think. I talk to Remus about everything, we cry together and I get it all out, what more do you want?”
“We want you to talk to us Harry. I’m glad you’re talking to Remus but don’t you think you’d benefit from sitting down and discussing last year with the people who were with you the whole time?” Hermione was crying now, which was just great.
Harry sighed, “if I promise to have a sit down with the two of you where we all cry about our troubled memories, will you please let me be for the night? I want to talk about something with absolutely no meaning, I can’t think anymore.”
Ron and Hermione nodded, understanding that they shouldn’t push his limits anymore. They had gotten quite good at sensing when Harry was ready to blow.
“So I got roomed with Theo Nott, do you reckon he’s going to snore?” Ron began, before going on a rant about how Gryffindors and Slytherins rooming together should be illegal. Harry instantly felt better as he slipped into the mindless conversation.
He tried to stay in the common room for as long as possible, he was dreading going to his room where he knew Malfoy was probably already sleeping. He contemplated camping out on the couch, but decided against it in favor of not having a sore back in the morning.
He finally climbed up the unnecessary amount of stairs it took to get to his landing, and hesitated before opening the door. It was nearly three AM, he had to be asleep, but yet Harry felt like he was butting in on something. He pushed through, ignoring the slight raise of anxiety.
And there he was, the bane of his existence, and he was bloody sleeping like a normal person! For whatever reason, he had expected him to be the type to sleep as if he was in a coffin, but the boy that laid on the purple sheets was sprawled out so that he had one limb on every corner of the bed. His face was smashed against the pillow, making his lips pucker slightly, and his usually pristine hair was mussed up from sleep.
He couldn’t believe this was the same Malfoy that walked the halls with his head held high and his posture always perfect. The same Malfoy who never spoke with ill grammar and had a vocabulary that could battle Hermione’s. The same Malfoy who was a death eater. Harry grimaced at the last thought, even though he knew Draco was completely reformed. He even witnessed him swear under veritaserum that he no longer had the same beliefs that had been instilled in him since birth.
He knew that he had changed, but he hadn’t really believed it until that moment, seeing him asleep just like anyone else.
Maybe they could get along.