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The community area is colored in purples and blues from several blacklights hidden underneath colorful plastic cups. More than half of the students that passed this year's final exams are huddled together talking, flirting and drinking. Min is sitting at a table holding a cup filled with Carling. He hasn't had a single sip.
His line of sight goes directly to Ryan, who's sitting on a couch on the other side of the room, talking and gesticulating to the crowd that's started surrounding him. He looks electric in this light, his messy hair flowing smoothly in the dim room, and his glasses reflecting the lights all around. The cup in his hand spills from his quick movements, but no one around him pays it any mind, their attention focused solely on Ryan.
Min feels his eye twitch, a sliver of irritation building up in him as he watches the scene and the guys and girls scooting closer and laughing at whatever Ryan says. He doesn't know what else he expected; this always happens. Ryan is a people magnet. He's intriguing and captivating in the things he says and the way he looks. Min can't be upset with the people naturally drawn to Ryan, he's just as affected whenever he's with him.
Perhaps that's why he feels this flame of agitation. Ryan brought him into this area, shoved a cup in his hand and then ran off to socialize, leaving Min on his own with the disgusting beer in his hand.
He tries to keep himself from blaming Ryan for his bad mood, but he's upset that Ryan was apparently the one to throw this party for Min to congratulate him for passing his exams, only to end up leaving him to tell people stories of the time he tried to go solo. Emphasis on tried, because when Ryan came back and failed at getting Min-Gi to join him on his inevitable path to unemployment, he decided to go work jobs to save up for his 'future career'.
Ryan's bad at working normal jobs, though. He can't commit to anything for more than a few months to save his own life. In the past three years, despite Min being all the way in Vancouver and Ryan back in Powell Lake, he's heard all the disastrous stories of Ryan's attempt to work as a waiter, a cook, a cashier, and, finally, a record seller. The last one actually being Ryan's longest kept job so far. Seven months and counting.
It suits him, Min thinks. Then again, anything to do with music suits Ryan.
Part of Min feels envious. They're both twenty-three now, and while Min has spent the last three years studying finance four hours away from home without earning a single dollar, Ryan has been saving up and experiencing life in the way Min is missing out on.
They don't talk as much these days.
Ryan tries. When Min first moved to Vancouver, Ryan would visit every few weekends. More recently, those visits have been reduced to every few months, and even though they do call every now and then, their friendship has felt dormant for a while now. Min thinks it's most likely his fault, given that university actually requires a lot more time and studying than he initially thought.
That, and the fact that he's still hopelessly in love with Ryan and talking to him feels like a betrayal of some sorts. But that's nothing new.
One of the guys on Ryan's left places his hand on his thigh to gain his attention. The sight makes Min's skin prickle with jealousy.
He huffs, placing his cup on the table and getting up. Ryan may have come all this way and organized this party for him, but Min's irritation is bigger than his remorse.
He avoids people's gaze as he makes his way through the groups of them, the scent of alcohol so evident in his nose that he feels intoxicated just by the smell of it. When he reaches the door to the hall, someone grabs him by the wrist, and once he turns around he's met with Ryan's face.
"Where are you going?" Ryan asks over the music, which isn't as loud as it would be in a club, but loud enough to have everyone raising their voice. Min pulls his wrist from Ryan.
"I'm leaving. I'm tired," he lies. It must be obvious, because Ryan reacts with furrowed brows and a shake of his head.
"Come on, Min, the party's barely just started!" he tries to take Min's hand, but Min forcefully pulls it back, making Ryan startle.
"I'm not having fun, Ryan!"
Ryan rolls his eyes, "No wonder why! All you've been doing is sit at that table for like an hour! Why aren't you talking to anyone?"
The music and people's voices start pounding in Min's ears. He groans, annoyed.
"Because I don't care about doing small talk, Ryan!"
"Then don't do small talk?!"
"I don't even know half of these people!"
Ryan glares at him, "And you think that's going to change by not talking?!"
Min scoffs. He's had enough. He shakes his head and turns back around, opening the door to the hallway and exiting the room. The door closes for a moment and the silence of the dorms almost rings in his ears, but the door opens once more to Ryan stepping out as well.
The music from behind the door is muffled, and the light in the hallway yellow and bright. It takes a moment for Min to adjust his eyes to Ryan after getting used to the dim purple light. They look at each other.
"What's going on?" Ryan asks. Min rolls his eyes.
"Can't you just accept that I want to go?"
Ryan tilts his head down and raises his brows, making Min undoubtedly understand that he doesn't believe him. Sometimes Min wishes they didn't know each other so well.
"It's not really believable," he replies, and Min shrugs, looking away, "Are you mad at me?"
Min pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs, "I'm not mad at you."
"Then what?" Ryan asks.
Min looks back at him, mustering his face and the expression on it. His brows are raised and his eyes wide, expecting. He drops his hand to his side.
"It doesn't matter, Ryan," he replies, too tired to explain.
"So there is a problem?"
"No, there isn't!" Min snaps, "can you just leave it? I..." he sighs, exasperated, "I'm leaving," he says, then attempts to turn around to leave, but Ryan stops him.
"Don't go." Ryan says, "I threw this party for you, Min!"
"I didn't ask you to," he answers, not kindly. Ryan scoffs.
"Are you serious?"
Min turns back around. He shrugs at him, refusing to add onto what he said. Ryan shakes his head.
"Fine," he says, the word bitter as it leaves his lips. Min frowns. "Go, then."
"I will," Min huffs, "you go back to impressing your fans."
Ryan laughs at that, “Is that what this is about?” he asks, and Min regrets ever opening his mouth.
“Not everything’s about you, Ryan,” he replies and hopes to make him drop it, but to no avail.
“What, so I’m not allowed to talk to other people?”
Min groans. He hates when Ryan twists his words to make him look bad.
“Seriously? Please, Ryan, go ahead! It’s not like you brought me to this party only to leave me there to talk to other people for the rest of the night!”
His voice is raised now, and Min is sure the students in their dorms around them can hear them arguing. Usually, Min doesn’t like to argue anywhere outside of his own space, but whenever Ryan is involved, it’s as though they don’t have the patience to wait to talk it out. They’ve never been good at solving arguments, either. They affect each other too much.
Ryan scoffs, “Well, it’s not my fault that you’re antisocial and refuse to talk to anyone. You could’ve just joined me, you know?”
Min lets out a bitter laugh at that, “Right, so I can be the uncool third wheel while everyone’s making a move on you?”
His question receives squinted eyes. Ryan stares at him, “What are you talking about?” he asks. Min sighs, running his fingers through his hair. He wishes he hadn’t gelled it so heavily.
“No one cares about your stories, Ryan. They all just want a piece of you,” he says and waits for the information to sink in for Ryan. When the line between his eyebrows fades, he continues, “Didn’t you notice? That guy next to you was all over you. It was so…” he grimaces, looking for a word to describe the abuse of personal space, but Ryan interrupts him with a raised brow and a scoff.
“It was so what? Gross? Inappropriate? What, are you homophobic now?”
Min freezes, the words dying in his throat. He stares at Ryan and notices the slight quiver in his eyebrow, the emotion on his face uncertain what to morph into next. The accusation slashes through Min like a hot knife and he becomes undoubtedly aware that whatever he says next will lead to no solution to their current fight.
No, there’s nothing he can say. Ryan’s walls are already up given the recent announcement of his sexuality, and any attempt to alleviate this moment would back Min into a corner and force him to explain his perspective of the situation, which Ryan doesn’t need to know about. Can’t know about, not if Min wants to irrevocably fuck their friendship any further.
Instead, he shakes his head and exhales deeply. He hopes his silence is enough to convey the inaccuracy of Ryan’s accusation.
He straightens, and takes two steps forwards. Ryan stands still. They look at each other.
"I..." Min attempts, but his voice comes out too quiet and breathy. He clears his throat and tries again, "I'm tired," he says, and takes another step past Ryan, "I'll keep the door unlocked if you want to sleep. The bed next to mine's empty," he attempts to take another step, but Ryan reaches out to hold onto Min's arm. He turns his head and meets Ryan's gaze.
"Don't go. This party's for you, Min, I... we can hang out in there together," he tries, his voice soft. Min sighs and shrugs out of Ryan's hold, looking away.
"Enjoy the party," he says, and makes his way down the hallway, leaving Ryan at the door of the community area. He doesn't look back and Ryan doesn't call for him.
When he reaches his dorm, he gets inside and rests his forehead against the closed door, a mix of emotions bubbling up. He feels guilty, first and foremost. Guilty because Ryan did come all this way and planned this entire party for him, and Min didn't even attempt to enjoy any of it. He sucks for that, he can acknowledge that much, but he feels just as angry and sad about everything else. Angry about Ryan running off and ignoring him first thing, sad about not spending time with him.
He pushes away from the door and takes off his shoes and his belt, then walks up to his bed to lay down on it, his legs hanging off the side. He closes his eyes and sighs, listening to the high frequency sound the night table lamp makes.
It doesn't take long, only a quarter of an hour later until the door to his dorm opens. He leans up to check, eyes widening when he sees Ryan close the door and take his shoes off. He sits up.
"What are you doing here?" he asks, watching Ryan walk up to sit on the empty bed opposite him.
Ryan looks at him, his expression indescribable, "Party's over."
"What?" Min asks in disbelief, "Ryan-"
"No, really. The party's over. I ended it," Ryan interrupts, sitting cross-legged. Min sighs.
"You didn't have to do that," he says. Ryan shrugs.
"I only threw this party for you. If you're not there, the party's useless."
"That's not true, everyone seemed like they were having fun."
"Yeah," Ryan agrees, "Everyone but you."
Min frowns. This wasn't his goal. He takes a collected breath to think of what to say next, but Ryan must take it the wrong way.
"Let's just sleep," he starts and gets up, "I'll leave first thing in the morning and won't be in your way anymore."
Min blinks at him, watching him unbuckling his belt, "What are you talking about?"
"I don't know what I was thinking organizing this stupid party. I should've known you wouldn't have wanted one. You never celebrate anything, anyway," he keeps going, unbuttoning his short-sleeve shirt.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Min asks, offended.
"Are you even excited about passing your exams? Or is this just another ticked box on your never-ending to-do list?" Ryan asks, pointedly staring at him. Min scoffs.
"Of course I'm excited," he replies, "Why wouldn't I be?"
Ryan shrugs at him and takes off his shirt, keeping on the mesh one underneath as he removes his belt from his pants. "I don't know, Min," he says and drops the belt to the ground, his voice exaggerated, "Maybe because you never really show it? You never seem satisfied with any of your achievements, you know? I thought, surely, a party would help you feel better about your exams and make you-"
Min holds out a hand and shakes his head, "Hold on, hold on, hold on," he repeats, urging Ryan to stop talking. He doesn't understand where this is coming from, "What exactly are you talking about?"
Ryan rolls his eyes and sits back down on the bed, "You," he starts, pointing at Min, "Are never satisfied." Min raises a brow. Ryan frowns, "I had to find out you passed from your parents, Min. You weren't even gonna tell me," he says. Min blows a raspberry.
"I was going to tell you eventually," he argues. Ryan bristles.
"Why eventually? Why didn't you tell me immediately?"
Min groans and rubs his face, "Oh, it's just exams, Ryan! I still have one more year to go, it wasn't anything special!"
At that, Ryan gets up again, "That's what I mean! You... you're never really proud of anything you do, are you?"
"Of course I am, I just-"
Ryan interrupts him, "That's why I threw this party for you, you know? To help you feel some sense of... accomplishment?"
Min furrows his brows, "What, so you threw a party to praise me?" he questions.
"Well, if your parents won't." Ryan reasons.
"I'm not a child, Ryan!" Min raises his voice, his hands balling into fists, "I don't need praise!"
"I'm not saying that! Look, your parents have always been really nitpicky about you being better than everyone else. It only makes sense that even when you're an adult you struggle with never feeling like what you do is good enough."
Min makes a sound of annoyance, "What is this, an intervention? Since when are you an expert on parent-child dynamics?"
Ryan sighs, mustering Min. He shrugs and lays down on the bed. Min hasn't even had the chance to offer him a blanket or a pillow yet. "I have this colleague at work. She's studying educational sciences."
Min scoffs, "Oh, here we go-"
"It's legit stuff, Min-Gi! I've understood a bunch about my family and it's really helped-"
"-with your never-ending unsolicited advice about what I could be doing better in my life, because you clearly have it all figured out-"
Ryan sits back up, "If you actually took your fucking time to talk to people, you could figure some things out, you know!" He snaps, voice raised. Min lets out a laugh.
"You're so fucking naïve, Ryan! You believe anything anyone within a ten foot radius tells you!"
"Fuck you, Min! At least I make an effort to be an actual person with a personality instead of being a cardboard box!" Ryan yells. Min shakes his head in disbelief and lowers his voice.
"Yeah, well, at least I've got a path for my life. What about you?" he asks Ryan, brows raised in expectation. Ryan squints his eyes.
"I have a stable job that I enjoy." He bites back. Min matches his expression.
"You sell records in a record shop and pretend you've got it all figured out when you failed every other thing in your life so far," he spits, the words coming out of him no longer holding any reason or rationality. He says every word with the intent to hurt.
"Let's wait and see how long this one lasts until you have to find something new again," he adds, but as soon as he finishes speaking he's left with the spoiled taste of what he said in his mouth. Ryan's reaction is immediate, his shoulders and face falling. Min regrets it almost immediately and visibly winces.
"Wait, I'm so-" he tries, but Ryan takes off his glasses, sets them on the empty nightstand next to his bed and lies back down, facing away from Min with his back turned to him.
"I'm tired," Ryan says, voice even. Min sighs.
"Ryan, please, I shouldn't have said that. I'm-"
“Min!” Ryan shouts, turning his head to look at him, “I’m tired,” he says, voice cold, “Stop.”
They stare at each other until Ryan turns back around moments later. Min’s mouth stays open, his mind racing. They can’t go to sleep like this. It’s even worse than before and it’s all Min’s fault. If they go to sleep and Ryan leaves first thing in the morning, Min won’t see him for who knows how long. Their friendship has already been struggling lately. Because of Min.
He has to fix this.
“Ryan-“ he tries again.
“Stop.”
“No, this isn’t right,” Min argues and stands up, restless, “I’m sorry, okay? That wasn’t cool of me. I shouldn’t have-“
“I don’t want to hear it,” he interrupts, but Min hears the strain in his voice, the type of strain that indicates he’s close to crying. Ah, fuck.
“Ryan-“
“It doesn’t matter, Min,” he mumbles, “I shouldn’t have come here. I know you don’t want me around anymore and-“
Min halts, “what?”
“-I know I messed up.” he continues, his voice trembling, and Min can tell he’s started to cry now, “I’ll leave as soon as I wake up and I’ll stop calling and-“
“What? What? Ryan, slow down-“
Ryan’s voice increases, “-you won’t have to talk to me again.”
Min rushes forwards and grabs Ryan’s shoulder, turning him to face him, “What are you talking about-“
Ryan faces him, “I know you don’t want to be friends anymore, alright?!” he says, voice raised. Min lets go of him and blinks, surprised at the sudden change in volume.
“What?!” Min questions in disbelief, “What makes you say that?!”
Ryan sits up and wipes the tears on his cheeks, “You don’t have to pretend, Min, alright?” he says and looks at him, “You’ve barely spoken to me in months, and when you do, it’s only because I’m the one reaching out to you.”
Min stares at him, unsure of how to argue against him.
“Every time I come and visit you always want me gone as soon as possible, talking about your ‘studies’ and ‘upcoming exams’, when the truth is you just don’t want me around anymore,” Ryan sobs, the sight causing Min’s chest to tighten. “You don’t need to force yourself to accept me anymore,” he starts, and Min’s breath gets caught in his throat, “I’m sorry I told you about my… my sexuality-“
Min cuts him off by engulfing him into a hug. He wraps his arms around Ryan's shoulders, resting his head in the crook of his neck and squeezing him as tight as he physically can. He feels Ryan's chest heave with sobs and sits down next to him, no longer standing over him.
"Ryan," Min says, shaking his head into Ryan‘s neck, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Ryan doesn't hug him back, but he doesn't push him off, either, which Min takes as a good sign.
"That's not it. That could never be it, okay?" he reassures, moving back, but keeping his hands firmly on Ryan's shoulders. When he faces him again, his heart clenches in his chest, because despite the dimly lit room, he can see Ryan's tear-streaked and red face. Min gulps, his throat tight.
"I'm sorry I made you think that," he says, shaking his head and mustering Ryan's face. Ryan sniffs.
"Am I wrong?" he asks, shrugging. Min scoffs.
"Completely. Absolutely and utterly wrong, Ryan," he responds. "That's not what's going on at all."
Ryan pushes his arms off of him, "What's your problem, then?! Why have you been so shitty to me?!" he asks, and Min knows he can't argue with him. He knows this is his fault.
He runs a hand through his hair, stray hairs coming down to rest on his forehead. He catches Ryan looking at them, then back at him, brows furrowed.
"Ryan, I need you to know that... your sexuality doesn't matter to me, okay?" he says, voice dropping, "I... listen, I think it's great. It... it makes you who you are, so, how could I ever hate you for that? Or want to give up our friendship because of it?"
Ryan keeps looking at him, his tears having stopped, at least for now. Min sighs, looking off to the side and trying to find the right words. "I... I admit that I've been... off..." he trails off, glancing at Ryan, who scoffs. Min frowns, "I know that I've been distant, impatient... You name it."
He reaches a hand out to attempt to place it on Ryan's underarm, but takes it back. He groans, "It's not you, okay?" he says, keeping his gaze firmly on Ryan's, "It's all me."
Ryan rolls his eyes, "Wow, how fucking cliché."
"I mean it!" Min says, voice raised once more. Ryan stays quiet. Min breathes in, then out; his exhale coming out shakily. He looks down at his hands and lets out a self-deprecating laugh.
"I keep lying, you know? I... You're right, nothing I'm doing feels good or satisfying," he admits, keeping his gaze down, "I don't really talk to anyone because everyone's too busy planning their lives or talking about finances. Meanwhile I keep wishing I was back in Powell Lake hanging out with you instead."
He looks back up and finds Ryan's expression slightly different. Still upset, but concentrated. Min shrugs.
"I'm in my last year now. It's too late to quit. I wouldn't quit anyway, my parents would kill me, and I do think it's sensible to at least have finished one thing, but..." he sighs, "I have no idea what I want to do."
Ryan blinks at him, then looks down. He keeps Min anticipating for a few seconds, making Min wonder how Ryan's view of him changes with his admission.
He looks back up. "What does this have to do with how you've been treating me?" he asks instead, backing Min-Gi into a corner. Min stutters, unsure how to answer.
There’s the truth, which swings from Min’s heart like a pendulum. He could lie, he thinks, but finds the thought repulsive and unfair.
It’s difficult. Min’s been running from this for years, maybe even forever. He always guessed something was wrong with him that no one else could see, but when Ryan drove up to his university after his last class on a Friday, bought him a beer from the university’s café and told him that he thinks he likes guys the same as girls, Min wondered what could possibly be wrong with Ryan when his admission was as pure as driven snow.
Min will never forget the small smile on Ryan’s lips and the quiver in his brow, betraying his cool demeanor and proving his fear of Min’s rejection.
How could something so wrong for Min to be, be so lovely for Ryan to be?
If Min can be pure, there’s still the aspect of his feelings for Ryan. The feelings that undoubtedly cause a shift in their friendship, because Min struggles with pretending. Nothing good ever came out of pretending, tonight is proof of that.
“I…” Min starts, voice barely above a whisper. He keeps his head low, but his eyes on Ryan, “I’m not a good friend, Ryan.”
Ryan’s eyes squint, “What?” he asks.
“I’m not a good friend,” Min repeats, raising his head, “I lie to you constantly.”
"About what?" Ryan asks, frustration seeping into his voice, "For fuck's sake, Min, just tell me-"
"You're my best friend, Ryan, and I've tried so hard to maintain that," he interrupts, voice trembling from nerves, "But I can't deny that you're so much more to me than that."
Ryan's face falls, his sharp features softening. It's the face of realization, Min can tell, and the sight of it scares him. He leans back and swallows, heart pounding in his chest.
“I don’t talk to you because with every word I lie in your face, so I’d rather not talk to you than look at you and bite my tongue before I’ll say something I’ll regret.” he breathes. Ryan tilts his head.
“What are you saying?” he asks, to which Min lowers his brows.
“I think you know,” he responds, but Ryan shakes his head.
“No, no, I don’t, Min. What are you saying?”
Min stares at him, at his tense position and wide eyes. He thinks he'd rather die than to say the words, but he's already gone too far to backtrack. Ryan looks at him as if he knows exactly what will come next.
He can't let himself think about it for too long. Min tries to accept this moment as some sort of test of courage, despite feeling like he's being pulled under, struggling to breathe.
But Ryan won't hate him. He won't. That's not the type of person he is or could ever be.
Even if this changes the course of their friendship, Min will live knowing Ryan only ever wanted him to tell nothing but the truth, so that's what Min does.
"I think I'm gay," he whispers, the words leaving him for the first time in his life. It's uncharted territory, so the words feel strange and unfamiliar, but undoubtedly true as his mind begins to race and hit alarm. Min gulps, "and I think I’m in love you." he confesses.
It’s the worst thing he’s ever done, he’s sure of it. His mind supplies regret and self-hate almost immediately and Min-Gi knows there’s no way out of this. He looks down to his lap, too cowardly to face Ryan and his reaction, which takes more than a few seconds to come. It’s almost unbearable, withstanding the silence as it etches between Min’s confession and Ryan’s reaction.
But, as all things come eventually, so do Ryan’s next words, along with his hands that he places on top of Min’s. Min looks back up.
“What are you scared of right now?” he asks, and his voice is soft, not intimidating. Min stares at him, surprised by his sincerity.
“I…” he starts, without thinking about it first. The answer comes fast enough, anyway, “I’m scared of losing you,” he admits.
Ryan takes Min’s hands in his and tightens his hold, “Why would you lose me?” he questions, and Min doesn’t want to untangle all of the thoughts that come with that question. He sighs, and Ryan keeps talking, “I came out to you months ago, Min. I know how you feel.”
Min shakes his head, “No, it’s not the same,” he disagrees and pulls his hands away from Ryan’s.
“It is,” Ryan insists.
“No, Ryan,” Min says and stares at him, “I can’t hang out with you normally, because every time you talk I can’t concentrate on what you’re saying because I keep thinking about how passionate you are about everything and how vibrant you look when you laugh. I keep noticing how long your hair has gotten and I keep wishing I could feel it.” He blurts out, his chest visibly moving up and down as his breaths have increased.
“It’s not the same,” Min repeats, “Because you’re normal,” he says, averting his gaze again, “And I’m not.”
They sit in silence for only a moment, Min’s rant hanging in the air between them. He feels pathetic for everything he’s laid bare tonight.
Ryan’s hands move back to Min’s, making him face him once more. Ryan looks at him and smiles, only slightly. It’s a smile similar to the one he gave him when he came out to him all those months ago; a sliver of fear behind it.
He breathes in audibly, then speaks.
“I know how you feel,” he says, a finality to his voice. “It’s the same, Min,” is the next thing he adds, but Min struggles to catch on, until Ryan finishes, “I feel the same.”
Min tilts his head, eyes squinting as he catches on, “You mean-“
“I count down the days until I see you,” Ryan interrupts, tightening his hold on Min’s hands. Min finally understands that he can hold his hands, too, “And every time I leave I wish you’d ask me to stay.”
Min frowns, but his heart picks up speed as he finally begins to understand the gravity of the situation and what Ryan is confessing to. His mind starts racing again, but this time it’s a mess of thoughts that include all the times he’s wanted to tell Ryan but didn’t. He goes to speak, but Ryan cuts him off before he gets the chance to.
“Do you have any idea how much it hurt when you stopped reaching out to me?” he asks, and Min’s chest tightens.
“I felt like I was betraying you,” Min explains, “I never meant to make you think I didn’t want you in my life anymore.” he sighs, “You matter to me more than anyone else. I’m so sorry, Ryan.”
It’s the first apology of the night that remains uninterrupted. Ryan smiles at him, and it’s his first genuine smile of the night, Min thinks. The one that reaches up to his eyes and curves his cheeks. He’s utterly beautiful like this.
“I ruined the party and I said some really shitty things to you and I-“
Ryan interrupts him by shushing him and leans in close, only a couple of inches away from Min’s face. Min’s heart beats in his throat.
“You can make it better,” Ryan says simply, eyes flickering down to Min’s lips and back up to meet his eyes. Min knows what he’s insinuating. He lets out a nervous chuckle.
“Yeah?” he asks anyway, “How?”
Ryan laughs through his nose, and Min imagines it’s because he’s acting like an idiot, but instead of replying , Ryan’s answer comes by pressing his lips to Min’s.
It’s Min’s first kiss. He doesn’t know if Ryan knows that, but it doesn’t matter, regardless.
He kisses him back, softly pursed lips meeting each other and experiencing the other’s shape for the first time. Min tries to memorize the feel of Ryan’s lips and boldly reaches up to place a hand on his cheek, gently holding him close. It’s an action Min has imagined a million times, and his heart skips a beat at the acknowledgement that he’s in the middle of everything he’s ever dreamed of regarding Ryan.
It takes a moment until the novelty and the bliss of their kiss comes to an end, as Min's mess of thoughts spiral into pointed insults directed at himself. He squeezes his eyes shut, hoping to shrug them off, but to no avail. He pulls away from the kiss first, hands trailing back down to Ryan's shoulders. His breathing staggers and he looks down at his lap; ecstatic, worked up, ashamed, and relieved all at once.
Ryan must understand his need for a moment, because he doesn't move or speak. Min is grateful for it as he tries to reassure his thoughts and calm his breathing. He didn't think the thoughts would leave as soon as he'd made peace with his sexuality. After all, he never thought he'd make peace with it at all. This is all new to him. Reciprocated feelings, his first kiss, the confession that Min has no idea what he wants in life...
It's terrifying. He's opened up something he can no longer close. What would his parents say if they knew? His peers? His professors?
"Hey," he hears Ryan say, disrupting his thought spiral and making him finally look up to face him again. Min sighs and tries the best smile he can manage.
"Sorry," he apologizes, hands leaving Ryan's shoulders to rest on his own knees, "I... I really liked that, I'm just... a little overwhelmed, I guess..."
Ryan gives him a smile, though it's only a sad one. "I understand," he says and leans back, resting his upper body on his hands and widening the distance between them. "Do you... want to talk about it?" Ryan asks.
Min shrugs, looking around the room. He chuckles, "I've been struggling with this for so long," he says and looks back at Ryan, "I think it's going to take a while to get used to it." he admits, worried Ryan might take offense to his hesitance, but Ryan only gives him another smile, this time a brighter one.
"I know the feeling," he says, leaning back forward to place a hand on top of Min's. "We have time," he assures, and leaves it at that.
Min smiles at him, and a sigh of relief leaves him. There's a silent acknowledgement that they won't rush into things, despite Min's secret wish to be completely surrounded by all of Ryan, but he's waited 23 years already. Surely, he can wait a few weeks more.
Ryan squeezes Min's hand, then pulls away, "We should go to sleep," he says with a yawn, "This night was an emotional rollercoaster. I'm exhausted."
Min chuckles. "Me too," he admits.
He gets up from the bed and walks over to his own, sitting down and facing Ryan, who smiles at him. Before he gets the chance to lie back down, Min stops him.
"Do you..." he attempts, his voice coming out rough. He clears his throat and tries again, "Do you want to sleep in my bed?" he asks, nerves rising once more.
"What? No, it's your bed."
"No, no," Min corrects, "I mean with me. Sleep in my bed... with me."
Ryan blinks at him, his eyes narrowed without his glasses. "Are you sure?" he asks, "We don't have to if you don't feel ready-"
"I'm sure," Min interrupts, and shrugs, "We've slept in beds together before." He smiles.
Ryan lets out a soft laugh and gets up, walking over to Min as he goes to lie down next to the wall. It's only a slightly bigger twin bed, able to fit in more than one adult, but not exactly comfortable for two adults. As Ryan lies down next to him, both facing each other as they lay on their sides, Min can't help his smile as he finds that he doesn't mind being this close to Ryan, after all.
Ryan smiles at him, and Min even thinks that his smile appears somewhat shy, but he keeps that little thought to himself.
"Is this okay?" Ryan asks.
Min thinks about it, and quickly decides that if there's a time to get over something, no time is better than now, so he wraps an arm around Ryan's middle and pulls him closer. Ryan's close enough that Min can see the smudged eyeliner around his eyes, and Min decides that this is much better.
"Is this okay?" he returns the question, and Ryan grins.
"More than okay," he replies.
They smile at each other, and Min feels his heart hammer in his chest, but no longer out of fear. Yeah, he internally agrees. Much better.
He leans over Ryan to switch off the lamp on the night side table, and in the comfort of the dark, Min finds the bravery within himself to kiss Ryan a second time for the night.
Of course, Ryan kisses back, and Min happily accepts the arm that wraps around him as well.
And during their kiss, Min feels lucky that, years later, Ryan doesn't accept Min's avoidance as it is, but rather finds ways to work around it and get Min to open up. Annoyingly, Min thinks Ryan is right in a lot of things when it comes to Min's mind, but one thing's for sure:
Min doesn't think Ryan understands how deep his love for him really goes, and that his avoidance has always been a mask to hide his longings.
It's cheesy, but, selfishly, Min thinks he's allowed to do that, now. Be cheesy.
He pulls away from their kiss, but not without a peck to Ryan's cheek.
"Are you sure you're ready for me to get even more annoying?" Min asks, and Ryan laughs.
"Only if you're ready to match up to my level of annoying," Ryan counters, "I'll be keeping a close eye on you and tracking your annoying moments to evaluate you, you know."
Min kisses him for a third time this night and realizes that he's braver than he lets himself on.
"I'll be sure to behave, then," he mumbles against Ryan's lips, fully expecting another quip from him, but instead, Ryan hums an 'mhm' against his lips and keeps kissing him.
Min doesn't complain.
He also doesn't say another word for the rest of the night.