Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Some thousands of years ago a phenomenon of space probes suddenly gaining sentience started to appear every once and a while. A couple here, a couple there. This continues until even today.

No one knows why because of course we don't. They just are. I think therefore I am. You get it.

There's around 50 of these guys just hanging out in space. Doing whatever they could to keep their interests. Same as us. Sports, Video Games, Music, Space, and I know one probe who likes doing math.

This was the status quo up until around 75000. I don't remember the exact date, when The Great Insanity started. Lot of people lost their minds, just from sheer pressure of everything and everything and everything. Thousands of years laying heavy on a human mind only capable of dealing with atleast 100 if you were lucky.

Id be hard pressed to say I wasn't one of those people but that's not my story to tell. In short, a lot of people just started throwing themselves off buildings and screaming until the lungs gave out. It was quite a horrifying few years. We always knew something like this would happen so we prepped for it like the y2k bug. 

With an eternity of time still left and an eternity of therapy well on the course and the wonders of medical technology, things started to wise back up. But some people started to get addicted to this sick sense of pain. Pushing themselves to their limits. 

Starting from biting fingernails to the stub to the longest lasting game of five finger fillet, to eventually just wanting to get punched in the face. 

You find some like-minded individuals and you got yourself a Fight Club.

Now there has always been freaks and weirdos addicted to pain even before The Great Insanity, The Great Insanity just kind of increased it. Not by a lot, on the grand scale, but enough.

Eventually humans began hitting limits again. How far one can be pushed, how much one can take a punch to the gut and how much one can inflict pain onto others. You never bled, and you never died. Nanos wouldn't let you.

Of course, as it goes, people got bored. And frankly? A little tired of being in pain all the time. Some people moved on, but some people started to go back to the days of making robots to fight their fights for them, one more sophisticated than the last. Of course not earth annihilators, just machines made for one on one combat. 

But humans just couldn't contain themselves and got more and more itchy within their own bodies. The idea of transferring ones consciousness into a machine was *Far* long gone, but these individuals kept trying.

And of course, you can't. It's just not possible.

But now they had these machines, these robots, that were made in the hopes of being able to contain a consciousness. 

And there are sentient space probes out in space, right now.

And a lot of these space probes wanted to experience the joys of earth. How no one thought of this in the last 80 thousand years is beyond me. Some, of these space probes however, had a keen interest in beating the shit out of each other after all those years.

Im sure you can start to get the idea.

AND ONE THING!!!

LEAD TO ANOTHER!!!

AND WE HAVE!!!

SPACE PROBE FIGHT CLUB!!!

Loud speakers blare in the background, a crowd of hungry people. All centered around two robots in the center. Commissioner JUICE, and Pioneer 10.

"THREE! TWO! ONE!" The announcer blasted out of speakers. A red robot named Pioneer 9. How could we forget them?

These two have fought again and again for many years. Developing new strategies, new techniques, repairing old systems and making new ones. They didn't fight out of hatred, no, they fought out of love. There is no real ill will between one another in a fight. Hatred is a burden on the mind.

It feels much better to love the person you're fighting. To continue fighting for. A friendly competition of beating the shit out of each other spanning the days of old.

And not to mention,

It was fun.

Juice immediately launches himself forward with a boost, gliding straight as an arrow to Ten. Ten anticipated this and readied a kick. 

When Juice prepared a punch towards Ten, Ten launched their foot up into a kick into his stomach. "YOU'RE PREDICTABLE AS ALWAYS JUICE!"

Juice was launched high upwards. He coughs as he catches his bearing, taking in the kick. "WERE JUST GETTIN' STARTED!" he immediately launches himself downwards again like a missile.

With both fists pointed out superhero-style he slammed directly into Ten, fracturing her satellite dish. Ten tanks it as best as she can before recovering with a punch back. Juice dodges and throws his own punch, dodged this time by Ten.

They both continued to throw punches and kicks in close proximity only to be dodged again, they were professionals. The screams of fans were loud, with Nine amping them, and the crowd up.

Eventually Juice boosted again grabbing Ten by her shoulders boosting into a wall. Leaving a massive hole and a cloud of dust in where they landed. Ten instinctively launched her hand off, and threw a punch directly into Juice's face. Knocking him off her.

"Heh... You should've seen that coming Juice!!!" Her hand returns to her arm and she puts up her fists and laughs.

Juice smirks. "what can i saaaaay? i thought i could get away with it." He recovers immediately, fists up again.

Ten runs forward this time and throws a hard punch. Juice puts his arms up and tanks it. He boosts backwards, and Ten immediately launches her metal wire from her wrists, and wraps it around Juice's torso and yanks him back to her.

As soon as hes yanked into punchin' distance she takes it and launches a punch directly into Juice's jaw. With an "AGH!" Hes punched backwards and goes flying. Ten's metal wire recovers back into her arms before shes taken with him.

Juice still regaining composure does a circle and launches himself once again towards Ten, fists buckled into knuckles and boosts himself. Ten tries to put her arms up in defense and readies a kick but before she was able to get it off, Juice manages to land a direct hit into her stomach.

His entire fist went right through her. Stomach-to-back. An entire crowd going "Oooo..." 

"You JERK! That takes so long to repair!!!" Ten said angrily

"whoopsies!" He said with a smug smile, but before he could even continue that thought, Ten brought both fists directly into his head. Damaging his face and then kicks him out of her. Thankfully these robots are sophisticated. A simple stomach 'wound' wont bring em down. Especially in Pioneer 10's design.

Ten jumps forward and punches him again while hes still frazzled, This time to the ground. She launches her metal wire and holds his hands and arms to the ground. She places a boot to his chest and holds him down. "YIELD YET BUDDY?"

Juice thrashes as much as he can to get out of Ten's grip, but hes stopped at all sides. He looks up to meet Ten's eyes. Realizing the predicament hes in, he blushes slightly and looks away. "F-FINE! I YIELD!"

Loud buzzers go off. Nine announces to the crowd, "WE HAVE TONIGHT'S WINNER!!! PIONEER 10!!!" The crowds screams in joy and celebration. Ten looks smugly at Juice as she releases him.

Metal wire retrieved back into her arms as she steps off him. Juice looking more and more embarrassed. She holds out a hand for him, which he gladly takes as he's risen back up.

"sorry about the uhh..." He points to her stomach. Which now has a massive hole to the other side, electrical wires spewing out and all.

"Oh it's fine! Don't worry, we got the spare clothes after all." Ten reassured happily.

Juice raises Ten's hand declaring her the winner of tonight as he smiles along side her.