Work Text:
Reigen Leaves the Stove On
One fine day in Salt City, reigen was touching his wiener under his desk like he always does whenever he is bored at work. He then hears a knock at the door. So he zips his pants back up and yells, “It’s open!” A very wise business practice whenever someone arrives to your office.
“hello, yes, I have a haunted Gameboy game. please make it not haunted.” Said the customer.
“Ok.” Reigen said sexily.
He opened the game and it was a copy of Pokemon Fire Red…except haunted!!! :0 So Red or whatever the little shit is named main character was in Lavender Town (of course) and some spooky stuff started happening. Red’s eyes were missing and had blood coming out of it and it’s hyper realistic, like it was so real that it was almost on par with the playstation 2 graphics.
Reigen says, “Woah, this usually doesn’t happen in Pokemon games,” when the screen starts flashing pictures of some scary shit, like the 2016 presidential election.
“I’m going to have to call an expert.” Reigen declares to himself and the customer. So Reigen calls Mob, who just happened to be on his way to Spirits and Such Consultation that very moment. Mob arrives and says “what up shishou” or whatever mob usually says.
“Help Mob, I can’t get past the first level.” Reigen whines as he holds the Gameboy upside down and sppppoooky pictures keep flashing across the screen like Lady Gaga’s new album Joanne out in stores now, buy now on itunes.
Mob says, “Reigen-shishou-sensei-kun, that game cartridge is fucking haunted you idiot fool that’s why you can’t beat the game.”
Mob then took the game cartridge out of the game and tried to exercise it……. But it didn’t work???? An evil spirit then popped out of the cartridge and yelled in a ghastly voice,
“When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell
Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tell
It don't make sense, goin' to heaven with the goodie-goodies
Dressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies
God'll prolly have me on some real strict shit
No sleepin' all day, no gettin' my dick licked
Hangin' with the goodie-goodies loungin' in paradise
Fuck that shit, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice”
Oh shitttttt, now Mob didn’t know what to do. Those lyrics cut him real deep, made him question if exorcizing spirits was the right thing to do. And Reigen wasn’t there to give his life advice because he had to go take a piss. The customer starts screaming, and all of the used tissues under Reigen’s desk start floating up in the air. All of the other shit in the office starts floating too, I guess. Before things get too out of hand, Reigen appears with a trail of toilet paper stuck to his shoe.
“I’m back from the bathroom. Nobody go in there for the next hour.”
“Shishou dude,” Mob says, “Help.”
“Oh, what the fresh fuck.”
This is when Arataka Reigen the greatest psychic of all time gives his word of life advice, very important, so listen up.
“Listen, if you are depressed then just get over it :) learn to do yoga :) take a walk :) suck some dude’s dick :) just relax lol you’ll get over you’re depression if you just try lol :)”
A/N: based on a true story
The ghost then explodes because of because of Reigen’s inspiring, wonderful, and completely helpful advice. Or maybe just because Mob just exorcised him while Reigen was talking.
“Wow that was amazing,” said the customer, “can I have my game cartridge back?”
But it was too late. Mob already threw it out the window because he didn’t want to go through that ever again.
“MOB WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” Reigen yelled not so sexily.
The customer ran out the door crying without paying to go mourn his copy of a Pokemon game. Reigen was about to start lecturing Mob about his responsibility to make sure that the Reigen Arataka get’s paid cash MONEY $$$ after each exorcism. But he suddenly remembered something… he left his stove on at home! Ohhhh myyy gooooddddd, how could the greatest psychic of all time do something like that??!?
This time Reigen was the one who actually ran out the door crying. Mob was left standing in the office alone. He got bored and went home.
But here’s the plot twist…. :0 …. reigen didn’t actually leave his stove on at home…. He just thought he did! Oh snap!
The End