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It felt dull. Oscar genuinely couldn't understand what he was doing here. Loud noises, plenty of alcohol, his friends laughing - it was definitely supposed to be fun. Except it wasn't. Oscar felt out of place. In fact, that unease had been lingering ever since he'd got an invitation.
After Abu Dhabi 2025
"So what exactly are you doing during the winter break?" Lando's voice appeared out of nowhere.
"Umm.. Nothing I guess? Meeting my family, spending a proper time back home, recharging before the next season" Oscar was still lost in thought after the race. The results had been quite predictable but at the same time… disappointing? irritating? Oscar couldn't pin down exactly what he was feeling yet.
Lando could, though. He had never been so happy. Why wouldn't he be? He had just won the championship, his family was proud of him, literally everyone was proud of him, not to mention his drink tasted a little bit different - less tasty, more amusing.
"You don't even bother asking me about my plans?" asked Lando with a great smile on his face.
Not that interesting
"What are you doing during the winter break?"
"No specific plans but thanks for asking"
Really?
"Actually, there was something. Alex suggested going to Thai - celebration, party, fun, a lot of things. Wanna come?"
"What exactly should I celebrate?"
Rude
"The ending of it? The new beginning? Sure we can find at least one thing you should celebrate. A lot of drivers will come. You should come"
"You know it's not my thing" Oscar finally looked at Lando and instantly met his gaze. Lando seemed drunk, glowing with joy and somehow .. with a glimmer of hope?
He should've refused. He should've just said no. There were plenty of excuses. Some of them were even valid.
"Okay, I'll come"
Lando's smile became even wider (as if it were possible).
"Nice! I'll send you all the details. See ya" Lando answered casually, but Oscar caught a little change in his voice.
Or is it just my imagination?
Oscar instantly regretted his decision. He should've refused. But how could he?
The first couple of days were nice. Thai was spectacular, the scenery was breathtaking. Somehow, Oscar felt at peace - something he hadn't felt for a long time. As if all his problems had vanished at once. It reminded him of his childhood - when his family had traveled all across Australia taking in the beautiful views, enjoying being together. Their bond was strong in those days. It as still strong, but living far away from his parents and sisters felt heavy and overwhelming sometimes.
Maybe I should've stayed with them during the break
Regrets were still there. It was difficult to shut them down completely. Still, he had chose to stay, even though he couldn't explain why.
He spent most of his time in solitude. While other drivers were having fun, drinking and partying, he avoided it. Instead of it, he tried to connect with nature. Others didn't notice, or perhaps just decided to pretend they didn't notice.
The only one who made any attempt to make Oscar a part of the group was Lando. Most of his attempts weren't that successful, but Oscar couldn't refuse when Lando suggested walking outside the villa, exploring new spots. Oscar wanted to refuse, again and again, but something in Lando's voice and facial expression made him agree.
"It's the most outstanding view I've ever seen" Oscar said, breaking the silence.
"Bet there were better ones. What about the waterfalls in Japan?"
"Close, but not the same. You know, it's not exactly about the view"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know how to explain" Oscar's face was tense, as if he were trying to find the right words, but everything he came up with was wrong. "It's about the atmosphere? I was in Japan with Lili, that trip was delightful and yes, I was impressed by the waterfalls. But I didn't feel what I'm feeling now"
Lando's jaw tightened a little.
Lando didn't ask anything. He wanted Oscar to elaborate on his idea, but he was too worried that he would interrupt him and make him stop talking.
"I feel alone"
He doesn't even care, honesty's not worth it
"You're not .."
"It's not a bad thing though. I guess I kinda enjoy this feeling. No one bothers me anymore, no one cares about me. Even I don't care. It sounds weird, but I'm glad I don't have to live up to any expectations"
"Osc..is it about the season? You're still upset?"
Yes and no
"I'm not. I gave up a long time ago, there's nothing I can change. I think here I finally managed to accept it"
"You shouldn't. You should still fight. You didn't lose, you.."
"Except I did"
"Are you mad at me?" It was a sudden question, maybe a selfish one in a situation like this, but Lando needed to ask it. He had wanted to ask for a long time. Oscar felt distant. He had pulled away. And even though Lando didn't understand it at first, for some reason,he deeply needed to get his old Oscar back. He didn't know how, but this moment felt like a good chance to try.
"Why is it important to you?" Obviously, not the answer Lando expected.
"I.. I don't know" "You won. You're McLaren's favourite. You have friends around you, you can have every woman you wish. You have a perfect life, Lando. Why is it so important what I think about you?"
Lando didn't want any women. And he didn't have a perfect life either. He wanted to say it. Not only did he want to say it, but also scream it at the top of his lungs so everyone could hear it - including Oscar. There was no chance Oscar would hear it, though.
"I care about you and our relationship" Lando said instead, firmly. "We created a bond. Remember all the nights in hotels when we turned down any chance to sleep just to watch stupid TV-shows instead? Remember how we escaped in China to try out their authentic food? Remember how we used to laugh at everything no matter how silly it was?"
I do remember
"Why are you doing this? Why do you prefer to spiral and shut me out? I understand it's really difficult for you - championship, expectations, the break up.. But I really want to help. Even if I can't do anything for you, I want to be around. You can always rely on me. Please, just please, don't withdraw into yourself"
"Lando, you're not my lifeguard. Not in a physical way, not in a mental one. If I want to cry over my miserable life, I'll contact my therapist, not you"
"Fine. Let it be" Lando felt powerless. No matter how much more he wanted to say, it wasn't possible at the moment. "I'm going. To my beloved friends and every woman I wish. See you later, I guess"
Lando left. Oscar listened to his footsteps until there was total silence. He was alone again. But this time he didn't enjoy it at all.
I messed up. Again
It was the last party that he couldn't escape. Again, it felt dull and Oscar genuinely couldn't understand what he was doing here.
One night and that's it. I'm going back to Australia and won't see anyone till February
It was supposed to be a soothing thought, but somehow it wasn't. Something about it felt wrong.
"Are you avoiding me?" Lando asked, catching him off guard
"I thought it's you were the avoiding one" Oscar said, shrugging his shoulders
"Why should I?"
"I was rude to you. I'm always moody. Not the best conversation partner" Oscar knew Lando was looking at him but didn't have the courage to meet Lando's eyes
"I still enjoy talking to you much more than to anyone else"
Lando surprised himself by saying that. He really didn't want to disclose that information. His excuse? Maybe he wanted to cheer up Oscar. Or maybe he was sick of the exhausting silence between them. Or maybe he didn't want to hide his true feelings anymore. Too energy-consuming. Or maybe he was just drunk. Extremely drunk.
Oscar’s breath hitched slightly. Lando always did this - shattering Oscar's carefully built walls with a single, honest sentence.
"You're drunk" Oscar said.
What else can I say?
"Suprised you're not"
"No surprise here, I don't drink"
"Liar. I saw you drinking in Barcelona"
"Fair. But in my defense, it was сelebration champagne" Finally there was a smile on Oscar's face
"Wanna walk around? I know a beautiful lake overlooked from a cliff. Nice place to complain about life. Heard you're a big fan of such landscapes" Lando suggested suddenly
"Will you still go there if I refuse?"
"Yes, but you'd better not refuse"
"I would like to if you are even able to walk"
Oscar told himself he was only going along to make sure Lando didn't break an ankle. It was a logical excuse, a safe lie to protect himself from the truth - he simply couldn't stay away.
It was true that Lando had some problems with keeping his balance. There was a chance he would fall during the ten-minutes trip, but what was much more important - there was a chance to talk to Oscar - to talk sincerely, pour his heart out. Lando was ready to open up with all his feelings. He didn't know if Oscar was ready, but that didn't really bother him. It felt like his finest hour and nothing could ruin it.
So they walked. As they navigated the trail, Oscar instinctively stepped closer, his hand hovering just inches from Lando’s elbow, ready to catch him if he stumbled. They managed to get to their destination - not flawlessly, but safely. Lando knew he had Oscar to thank for that.
They were standing at the edge of the cliff. There was a heavy silence for a couple of minutes, because Lando's surge of bravery had vanished, and Oscar was so struck by the view so he was out of words
"I have to admit you were right. It's the best place to wallow in your sadness about life" Oscar said finally. "Wanna start?"
"Thought you were much more into it than me. But I have something to tell"
"Then go ahead"
"Oh, you ruined it. Not in the mood after your command"
"Are you bailing? Okay, I'll start. I'm sorry for what I said. And I'm not mad at you. To be honest, I was mad at you. For quite a long time. I was mad at you during our last conversation. But I can't be mad at you anymore. I guess I had a lot of time to think it through. And no championships, no rivalries, and no offences are more important to me than you. And I'm sorry I tried to fight it. Sorry I confused you and left you in doubts. I know it was a tough season for you as well"
"You don't need to be sorry. I was too preoccupied with my wins that I totally forgot about you. That's my fault as well" It sounded surprisingly sober coming from Lando
"Thank you. I appreciate having this friendship. I will try my best from now on, promise"
Oscar looked at Lando. He expected to see the smile, but there was nothing. Instead, Lando looked a little fazed.
"What's wrong?"
"Osc, there's something I want to say"
A feeling of unease started creeping in Oscar's chest. His brain began conjuring up every possible scenario. In his gut, he knew exactly what Lando was going to say. Rationally, he wasn't ready for this. Not now
"Remember when you told me I could have every woman I wish?" Lando's voice sounded strained, trembling slightly
Please tell me you found the right woman for yourself
"I don't.."
Then it happened. Lando took a sudden, nervous step to the side. Before Oscar's brain could even register the danger, Lando lost his footing and slipped over the edge. He didn't even realise what had happened. There was panic. Then water. Then panic again. And then somebody's arms locked around him. Then he was on the surface. His lungs were burning; he couldn't breathe, but he still managed to hold onto consciousness. There was a voice—blurred, feeling as if it were miles away.
"Please don't die. Stay with me. Lando, stay with me"
And then Lando blacked out.
Oscar didn't hesitate for a single second. He dove into the freezing dark immediately. Feeling disoriented, he still managed to catch Lando and drag him to the surface. Oscar locked his arm around Lando's chest and started swimming. Where to swim? He couldn't afford to break - not now. He had to be strong for both of them. Oscar's shoulder burned like fire. Lando seemed like dead weight, which made this even more difficult.
Don't die, stay with me, don't die
The swim felt endless, a lifetime measured in freezing splashes and agonizing gasps. Finally, his feet hit solid ground. Summoning his absolute last reserve of strength, Oscar managed to drag Lando's body out of the water. Lando was entirely unresponsive - his face was deathly pale, his lips were blue, and he wasn't breathing.
"Come on Lando. Look at me. Wake up" Oscar choked out checking Lando's pulse. His arms were trembling. Panic started to swallow him, but he forced himself to concentrate on the first-aid training they'd had a long time ago.
Five rescue breath first. Then pushing
One. Two. Three. That stupid track started looping in his head.
Ah ah ah ah
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Four. Five. Six. "Come on, Lando," he begged. "Stay alive. Please, just stay alive"
Suddenly, Lando’s body convulsed violently beneath his hands. He choked, as the water left his lungs. Finally he was able to breathe again, even though it was still extremely difficult. There was a minute of silence. Both of them were in shock so they just looked at each other trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Lando broke the silence first.
"Must be ….. the water? …"
Oscar started laughing. He was borderline hysterical. He couldn't stay upright anymore, all the exhaustion crashed down on him so he just lay back on the sand, unable to stop laughing. He couldn't help himself anymore - his entire body was still trembling from the cold, tiredness and fear.
"I thought we'd die. I thought you'd die" His voice was shaking and words didn't come out that easily
"Maybe we did"
Then they just lay there next to each other - both soaked and shivering. But they were together. And somehow it felt soothing.
"The sky is beautiful" Oscar said distantly
As if that mattered right now
"Yep, right. Do you know any constellations?"
"Nope"
"Liar, you know everything. You're just being petty"
"I really don't know any of these. I used to know quite a lot back in Australia, but Thai and Australia are in different hemispheres"
"So? Just make it up"
"Lan, that's stupid"
"See those stars there? That's called The Car"
"See no resemblance
"And the group around is called Heroes. One of the stars from it is Oscar, the brightest one"
"I'm not a hero"
"That's what all the heroes say"
"Okay, so .. another one is called The Bee"
"Yes, it definitely looks like a bee"
And they made up all kinds of different names. It was such an engaging game for both of them and they didn't even notice as their breathing returned to normal and their bodies were able to move again.
"Why are you looking at me so closely? Are you examining me?"
I wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't doing the exact same thing
"You're all wet, if you don't change your clothes, you'll catch a cold" Lando said
"Really? Look at yourself!"
"I guess both of us have to. Are you ready to go now?"
"I think so. But let's take it slowly, I still feel quite stiff to move"
"I feel surprisingly well. I'll take care of you. Like you took care of me. We'll settle up"
"Not sure we will. You look like shit. I bet you are helpless and just trying to show off"
"Actually, there's something else I could do for you"
"Kill me so I stop feeling pain in every muscle? Oh wait, you already almost did it"
"Funny" Lando rolled his eyes and extended a hand to help Oscar up. "Remember our conversation before when I wanted to help you but you shut me down?"
"Something like that, yeah"
"You said I'm not your lifeguard"
"Still seems true, you're not. I'm the one who's the lifeguard. For you"
"I can be"
"What?"
"I still can be. And I would be glad to listen to everything you want to share. We went through a near-death experience together. It's time we talked"
"Umm..Yes. About that.." Oscar sighed. "Not sure I have a lot to say. It used to seem so important before. But now .. It was a tough but nice lesson. I shouldn't be worrying about a stupid championship. Or anything at all. And if I do start worrying to much… I always can try to drown again"
Oscar caught Lando's wary gaze. Something's off.
Women again?
"Just say it"
"Anything? Anything at all?"
"Really? I made a nice joke but you fixated on exactly that part of the sentence?"
"What about me? Am I not worth worrying about?"
"I know, it's hard to notice, but I dove into the freezing water to save your drunk ass. Sure you are asking the right question?"
"Osc, please. No jokes. I know it's easier that way, but .. I'm too tired of this"
Oscar stopped. His facial expression changed, as if he were pulling on his usual mask of nonchalance. It was what he always did in nerve-racking situations. And this definitely was one of them.
"Of what?"
"Of hiding. Of lying. Of pretending we don't care when we actually do. Can we be just honest? Even for just one fucking tiny moment"
Lando didn't expect anything. All his feelings had crashed down on him so he couldn't keep them to himself anymore.
"Osc"
"I love you"
There was a long pause. Lando tried to read anything he could from Oscar's face, but there was nothing. Just the same calm expression.
A thick wall of complete indifference
Lando's stomach dropped as the heavy silence stretched out. He had expected nothing, but the absolute blankness of Oscar's gaze still felt like a physical blow.
Then the answer followed.
"I love you too, Lan"