Chapter Text
Matt sat on the edge of their bed, slumped over slightly. They’d been sitting there for only a few minutes. Though, those minutes felt like hours. Everything felt hazy… like they were in the middle of a vague dream where everything bleeds together and looks a bit farther away than it is. They kept forgetting why they felt so off, the only thing reminding them being the empty pill bottle in their hand. Every time they remembered it, it upset them more, and more.
The bottle dropped to the floor, bringing Matt back to reality just enough to have a train of thought again.
“The hell am I doing..” they groaned, burying their face in their hands. All they could do was beat themselves up, pulling at their hair every now and then when their thoughts got angrier. It didn’t make any sense. They’d been doing so good for so long, why has it all of a sudden gotten so bad again? There wasn’t any warning sign… nothing happened. They just woke up one day feeling like the ground was pulling them down. Back down to where they’d started.
“...No more sulking.” They whispered, standing up with an embarrassing amount of struggle. They pulled on their purple hoodie and fixed up their hair just enough to look presentable. Their idea of presentable in the current moment however wasn’t really that great. Can you blame them? They can hardly move.
They stumbled down the hallway, clinging to the wall every few seconds. Edd and Tom sat on the sofa, completely ignoring the TV and spouting rubbish at each other instead. However, the conversation was interrupted by the sound of the Ginger falling down onto the floor. They couldn’t hold themself up anymore. It was almost painful.
Edd rushed over, Tom lingering behind. “Matt? Matt, are you alright?” Edd kneeled down, rubbing Matt’s shoulder to get their attention. In response, Matt rolled onto their back, blinking slowly.. Like a kid trying to stay up late at a sleepover. They looked completely disheveled. Not even remotely put together, a complete opposite of their usual image. The last thing they can remember is Edd and Tom panicking as they [Matt] started puking. They woke up in their bed, head aching and body sweating through their clothes. As they recalled the events of the day, they felt ashamed. Gross. They rolled onto their side, hugging the wall as they tried to just go back to sleep.
~
The next few days were irritating, to say the least. Tom and Edd constantly asking Matt questions and checking on them. All they could do was put back on their mask, forcing small laughs and smiles and coming up with quick excuses to dismiss any concerns from the two. They could tell that their, “I was just ill...” excuse wasn’t completely fooling their roommates. It would be more suspicious to change the story though, so they just kept with it and hoped it would eventually stick.
It’s been a few weeks since their initial relapse. Somehow, this relapse has been treating them worse than it had before they tried to get better… not being able to go a single day without taking at least one pill or using more ‘adventurous’ things to get high. They aren’t proud of it, but they’d rather have their mind empty than filled with the thoughts they’ve been getting while sober. It’s really given them a deeper understanding of Tom’s alcohol problem.
Here they are again. Sitting on the edge of their bed, completely hazy, smoking weed that they’d practically had to do spy level work to sneak past their roommates due to Ringo. They mumbled to themself, shaking slightly. “I need something to do…” they thought over and over, trying to come up with something. Eventually, they landed on one of the more lewd options, their hand in their pants. It doesn’t feel great. Not bad, but just not good. Not good. Bad.. gross. Gross. It feels gross. They feel gross. They're gross.
They don’t have any energy to even think about cleaning themself up, instead just sobbing quietly into their clean hand. Why? Why does it have to be this way..? Why can’t they just be actually happy and actually love themself as much as everyone thinks they do? They’ve tried everything they can to get better, everything! Even getting high doesn’t help anything anymore, not enough to keep them from sobbing like a pathetic gimp.
Matt quickly wipes the tears from their face, fixing their pants, throwing on their hoodie and overcoat, and sneaking out as quickly and quietly as possible as to not alert Edd or Tom. Despite how suspicious most of their excuses have been to the two, they would rather keep it as a suspicion and prevent either of their roommates from actually knowing how badly they were doing.
It was dark out, the stars being just as dull as everything else has been lately. They didn’t even know where they were going, they just walked down sidewalk after sidewalk, hands in pockets. They hadn’t even got their phone, wallet, or anything to protect themself. If they were sober, they would’ve been freaked out and just went back home after only making it a street over. But they weren’t, and they’d made it a lot more than just one street over. Eventually, they landed themself in a random, local club. They couldn’t really do much there without their wallet, but they stayed anyway. It was something to do. Luckily for them, people seemed to enjoy them enough to give them free stuff. That also came with a lot of random flirting, which they were less of a fan of, but still didn’t pay any mind to it. Well… until they were offered money. That 15 minutes by the dumpster wasn’t their proudest moment. At least they got the money though, right? The next mission was to find somebody with stuff on ‘em. Needless to say, they were out all night.
~
Edd and Tom looked around the whole house, shouting Matt’s name in every room they entered. In Matt’s hazy headspace, they’d left the door open on their way out last night. Didn’t really help with keeping Edd and Tom NOT suspicious.
Meanwhile… Matt laid on a bench in a random park. They were shaking uncontrollably, their nose red and sniffling. They knew they had to get home, but they didn’t really know where they were. They couldn’t reach out for help either since they’d forgotten their phone. All they could do was lay there and hope that somehow they’d end up back home in their bed.
They were there for nearly an hour before they decided to get up and try to find their way back, which ended up taking longer than the amount of time they spent sitting there.
Matt attempted to open the door, but much to their dismay, it was locked… “Dammit.” They groaned. Now they’d have to knock and be forced to confront their roommates. Biting their tongue, they knocked as quietly as they could.
“Matt!” Tom yelled, dragging Matt into the sitting room and pushing them onto the sofa.
“Where the hell have you been!? Edd and I have been looking for you since we woke up, it’s nearly lunch time now!” Matt blinked, looking over at the clock and seeing how late in the day it already was. Last they remembered it was around 10pm yesterday.
Tom crossed his arm, glaring at Matt. “Are you gonna say anything or are you just gonna sit there and stare off into space?” He spoke harshly.
“Uh…”
“Uh??”
Matt sniffled, their nose still irritated from their.. Questionable financial choices.
“S.. Sorry. I-” They stopped, not really knowing what to say without completely giving away the problems they’d been doing their best to hide. “I was- I was taking a walk last night. I fell asleep in the Park.”
“You fell asleep in the park?” Tom responded with a level of bluntness and passive aggressive undertones that only he’d seem to be able to achieve in Matt’s point of view.
“Yeah..” They looked down at their feet, feeling that overwhelming sense of shame and guilt and embarrassment bubble up in their stomach. It was nauseating. Suffocating. They just wanted this to end, they just wanted Tom to go away, tell Edd that they were back home and then just stay in their room for the rest of the day. They should’ve just stayed at the park. Stayed there until they starved. That would’ve been better than this, way better. They were snapped out of their thoughts suddenly, hearing their name be yelled. They looked at their hands, seeing how badly they were trembling. Their eyes felt wet… Oh God. Did they start crying? In front of him?? They wiped their face dry, fixing their posture.
“...Matt. Are you alright?”
“I-” They were quickly interrupted by Tom adding more to his sentence. “Don’t lie to me. You’ve been acting weird for the past, what? Almost 2 months now? Seriously, what’s going off?”
Shit. How were they gonna get out of this now? How are they supposed to give a believable excuse at this point? They have to think of something. “Come on, Matt, think!” They repeated in their head a few times.
“Nothing! I’m just living my life.” Jesus, is that the best you got…?
“Really?”
“Really!” Tom sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Whatever, bruv. You’re fucking impossible.” And with that… He just left. Matt just sat there for a minute, a bit stunned that that had actually worked. They soon stood up and made their way to their room, wanting to avoid having any interaction with Edd.
Their phone laid on their bed, a bunch of messages and missed calls from their worried roommates that had been trying to contact them. They felt a bit bad for worrying the two so much, they probably should’ve just been honest and told Tom where they’d been. They just couldn’t. Even if they wanted to. The words will never come out. Whatever. Just don’t think about it.
They put their phone back on their bed, pulling off their coat and hoodie. Not knowing what else to do, they make their way to the bathroom to take a shower. Like everything else lately, the shower wasn’t even remotely enjoyable. All it did was make them lightheaded and nauseous.
They sat there on the bathroom floor, their hair still a bit wet and dripping onto their shirt. They’re a mess. Everyday they’ve just been getting worse and worse, no happy ending in sight. They think they’ve started crying again, but it’s a bit hard to tell if the droplets are coming from their eyes or their hair… It doesn’t matter. Nothing does anymore.
~
Despite how hard things have gotten and how much riskier Matt’s destructive behavior has gotten, they still do the best they can to keep their act up for their friends. The last thing they want still is for anyone to know how they’re actually doing. That’ll never happen. They’ll make sure of it.
Matt stepped into the sitting room, smiling bigger than they’ve smiled in awhile.
“Hey, Edd! Hey, Tom!!” They beam, sitting on the sofa next to the two.
“Uh.. Hey, Matt.” Edd smiled. Tom didn’t say anything. This didn’t feel right to him.
Matt spoke with an unusual excitement and pace, “Are we gonna do anything today? We should do something! What should we do, then??”
Edd spoke to Matt happily, seemingly relieved at the fact that they’re feeling better… Tom still didn’t say anything. This was just.. Weird. How could they go from isolating for months and disappearing for hours on end just to come home and say nothing to now being all chipper and wanting to hang out?? Maybe he’s just overthinking. Maybe Matt actually is just feeling better.
All day Matt was energetic and smiling. They were also uncharacteristically clingy, which didn’t go unnoticed by Tom or Edd. It was a bit odd. Matt didn’t suggest anything they wanted to do, they didn’t object to doing things that Edd or Tom wanted to do like they usually would, they even went out of their way to cover most of the costs.
“Edd..” Tom whispered, leaning closer to Edd to try and prevent Matt from hearing him.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t you think Matt’s acting weird?” Edd frowned a bit, looking at the ground for a moment to think of a response.
“Well,” he began, looking back up at Tom. “I thought it was nice that they seemed more like how they usually are. But… they're like- too much like themself, and at the same time completely different. It’s kinda scary. Do you know what I mean?”
Tom gave a small nod. “Yeah. It doesn’t make any sense. What happened to make them so happy all of a sudden anyway? I know they haven’t told us, but it’s obvious something’s going off, right?”
“What are you two talking about?” Matt turned around, still smiling.
Edd gave Matt a slightly forced smile back, “N-nothing, Matt. Don’t worry about it.”
“Are you sure?”
“We’re sure.”
When they made it home, Matt continued to hang around the others. They didn’t drop the act for even a second, they couldn’t. If this was really going to happen, they wanted their friends to have the last memories be happy ones. Even if Edd and Tom don’t know that this is supposed to be the last…
After a while, Matt finally decided that it was time. They got up, announced they were going to bed, and left for their room. Making a small pit stop at the Kitchen on the way, of course. Edd tried not to think anything of it, just wishing Matt a goodnight and going back to watching TV. Tom couldn’t. None of this feels right. This whole day has felt fake, felt planned. Something’s wrong. He sat next to Edd for as long as he could, trying to convince himself he’s just overthinking this and nothing’s wrong. The longer he waited to do something, the more anxious it made him.
“Tom? Are you alright?”
“Huh- Oh, yeah. I…” He thought about it for a minute, about today, about this month. “No. I’m not at all, none of this is good.”
“What are you talking about, man?” A small drop of sweat dripped from Edd’s forehead.
“Matt’s a fucking liar, that’s what I’m talking about. I’m gonna go check on them.” Tom quickly got up off the sofa, speed walking down the hall and up the stairs to Matt’s room. He gave a few loud knocks on the door, “Matt! Are you in there??”
Matt froze. They’d locked the door, right? God, they hope so. They can’t be seen like this.
“Matt, come on bruv! You couldn’t have fallen asleep that quick, surely.” Well… Tom was right. But, that doesn’t mean Matt could say anything. They were choking, shaking on their floor. Hopefully he’ll just leave. He’ll give up and leave. That’d never happen though. Tom’s not like that. He’ll find a way in one way or another… They heard him calling down to Edd and running down the stairs, but they couldn’t really process what he was saying. Their consciousness was already fading.
The faint sound of Tom running back up and unlocking the door echoed in Matt’s ears. They couldn’t do anything about it. The door was unlocked now, but the door stayed closed. Tom didn’t know why, but… the air was heavy. Time was barely moving, everything was too quiet. He had to open the door.
“Matt?” His eyes widened, an audible gasp escaping him before he covered his mouth. “E… Edd! Edd, Edd!” He turned around, running back downstairs with a lot more panic and urgency.
“Woah- Tom? What’s happened?? Why are you-” Tom gripped Edd’s shoulders tightly, practically yelling in his face.
“Call 999! Now, fast! Please!” Without asking any questions, Edd did exactly as Tom asked, watching as Tom ran back upstairs… This isn’t good.
~
They heard a soft knock on their door. This is the 5th time this hour that one of their roommates has tried to check on them. They’d just got home after being in Hospital for nearly a month… they didn’t really want to talk to anyone. But.. since whoever it was had been so insistent, Matt decided to finally give in.
“Come in.” A streak of light from the hallway flooded their room. They’d been keeping the light off to avoid being able to see themself. They didn’t want to see themself like this. They knew they didn’t look good. The door closed with a soft click, followed by the footsteps of Tom walking over to where Matt sat.
“Hey…” Matt didn’t respond, they didn’t even really look up. This is the worst they’ve felt since year 10. Tom frowned. He didn’t really know what Matt was going through, but he knew how it felt to be struggling. It sucked seeing his friend so hurt. It sucked even more knowing how bad they’d been without anyone really knowing.
“Can I sit with you?” Matt scooted over, giving Tom room to join them. The feeling of the bed caving in slightly from the presence of another person made them feel a bit better. There was an awkward silence between the two. What could be said? Would Matt even answer?
“...”
“What do you want, Tom?” They spoke quietly, the sudden question startling the other just a bit.
“I.. I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. If you need anything.”
“I’m alright. I wouldn’t be home if I wasn’t healed, mate.”
Tom sighed, “I was more referring to mentally. You didn’t let us talk to you in Hospital and you haven’t said a word since you got home either. I’m just worried about you.” Another awkward silence settled in. It was obvious Matt wasn’t ignoring him. They just didn’t really know what to say. So, Tom tried to give a bit more substance to his previous statement.
“I mean… I’ve been worried about you for a while. You got really quiet randomly, and then you started avoiding us and going out late and not getting back until lunch most of the time. You can always talk to me- uh- to us! If you need to.”
Tom looked away, his ears reddening slightly from embarrassment. For the first time since they’d been sitting together, Matt looked over at Tom. The sight broke his heart… Matt’s hair was a complete, tangled mess, their eyes puffy and baggy. They looked so empty. Was this really Matt? Is this really the same person that would always be so theatrical, happy, and self-obsessed?
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was worrying you.” They looked away again, feeling that unfortunately familiar feeling of shame wash over them. They knew they had to give Tom an explanation. They had to say something. “I… I had a- a bad relapse.”
“Relapse? Of what..?”
It took a moment of contemplation, but they eventually decided to tell the truth.
“Uh- Drugs? That day I’d fallen and puked in the hallway. I'd taken a lot of pills. And-” They paused for a moment, their body trembling from how vulnerable this conversation is. Tom placed a hand on their shoulder, hoping it would offer a sense of comfort.
“The first time I’d gone out… I was having a really bad night, so I just left to- to clear my head or something. I stayed out as late as I did because I’d.. done a lot of stuff I’m not very proud of.” Their face went red, thinking of the lewd things they’d done. They couldn’t believe that they'd been that desperate for drug money that they would stoop so low. Tom could tell what they meant just from the look on their face.
“So. Instead of falling asleep in the park after taking a walk, you actually-”
“Yeah. Sorry.” Tom shook his head. He was in disbelief that Matt of all people would be acting like this. He wouldn’t be shocked if it was someone like Tord doing that, but Matt??
“Is that what you did every time you went out?” Matt nodded, hugging their stomach. They felt awful. Like a druggie tramp. It’s harsh, but that’s all they could think about themself in the moment. Before they knew it, tears were streaming down their face. They’ve hit rock bottom. They know it. What are they even supposed to do now? They couldn’t even manage to kill themself. They hid their face in their hands, sobbing uncontrollably.
“I don’t know… I don’t know what to do.. I don’t…” That’s all they could say. They couldn’t think, they could hardly breathe. Everything hurts. It feels like the walls are closing in on them.
“Matt.” Tom frowned, giving Matt a side hug. “You’ll be alright, mate.” Matt just shook their head, folding in on themself.
“I feel so… gross. I hate myself, I really do!” They sobbed harder from their confession. It felt so wrong to say, so wrong to hear from them. Tom wasn’t really sure what to do besides just let them cry it out. He rubbed their back gently, not saying anything to avoid making things worse. Soon enough, they went quiet. Just sniffling and trembling slightly. They sat up with a soft groan, taking deep breaths.
“Are you okay, Matt?”
“...mm” They shook their head. “I’ve lost it, Tom.”
“You can always find it?” He gave a small, unsure smile.
Matt thought for a moment. Maybe Tom was right. “I could try.”