Chapter Text
Mizuki 1
I didn't recognise myself.
The figure in the mirror was smiling ever so gently at me. He had neatly cut nut brown hair, a clean suit, ironed pants, no-nonsense bag. Everything was kept to the guidelines, every crease smoothed. Black and white, clear, binary colours framed the skin. The figure had his back upright, chest out, serious eyes. He was your typical worker. The mouth, in particular - it was warm, yet tight. In fact, he would have been a perfect role model, if it was not the unease dancing in his poisonous fairy-pink eyes.
I didn't know what to do with myself. They say that it's not your appearance that judges who you are, but rather how you are inside; but now, as I stared into the mirror, I realised seeing yourself can greatly influence who you saw yourself as. I looked uncertainly, unwilling to meet this stranger's eyes. I felt disoriented. My mind was in a turmoil. My heart whispered, over and over again, that this was not right, not true. Not true to what I wanted. My feelings. But my mind knew perfectly well what would happen if I dared to do so.
The figure in the mirror may have been immaculately clean, but the room certainly was not. Drawers and cabinets were flung open, left open, if jarring angles, outfits flung over the room. The table was populated completely with swaths of tiny bottles, some opened, some spilled, some left lying on their side. There were shiny metal tools all over, too, as well as the floor. The floor itself was scattered with tufts of roughly cut hair. I put my hand to my heart, feeling my too-fast beat, sweaty skin. I tried to regulate my breathing. I still had an hour until I had to arrive.
To university. One focused on technology. My ultimate dream. To become someone who could construct amazing machines. Because I liked to be creative. You see, I loved fiddling with toys at a very small age. Take them apart, then resurrect them. My parents suggested becoming a technologist. I agreed. It sounded fun. It was what I wanted. It was. I had to do this, because how could I realise my dream, here, being scared to even leave the house?
I breathed and reached the door. I kneeled down, and reached for the newly bought black shoes. Normally, I would have worn the one next to it. It was a pair of boots, nice and snug. It was hand polished, to perfection. Ribbons and lace were sewn onto the clasps, silky and nicely folded. I would have reached for it, careful not to damage it, and then again carefully wear it on.
These shoes were also spotless. These shoes, too, were carefully tied on. Not that it felt the same. I felt my hands trembling, scared almost, of breaking the shoes. Not because I cared for them, like my boots, but rather because I was scared of breaking this shell, this fragile shell, of what I was hiding in. That when I cracked it, everything would come out. Thus I proceeded with care.
When I reached the doorknob, though, all my resilience that I had built up vanished. Because, as soon as I turned it, as soon as I stepped out, I would need to be someone else. Your appearance, I realised once again, defines who you are. It's an expectation. I needed for my language, my actions, my... I forced myself to turn the knob. I pushed against the door, opening a crack. I imagined what my parents would say. Oh, you look so mature in that, Mizuki. It fits you so much. I coughed. Nevertheless, it was time to go. Now...
You have to be a sensible person, Mizuki. Or you won't have a future at all.
Mafuyu 2
I clicked open her phone for the thirteenth time today. 9:34. My grip tightened ever so slightly. A new notification; the homework soon due and the upcoming tests. Mentally, I calculated the time needed. For sufficient sleep and study, it would be wise to leave soon.
"This is the last shop, right? It's best not to stay too late into the night," I said to friends, Evelyn and Shizuku. Walking with her friends put her at ease, and I smiled.
"Urgh. OK, Mom," Evelyn said, "Jokes aside, we're going to that fancy bracelet shop now, right?"
"No way," Shizuku retorted, "We agreed to go to that barbeque shop."
"Hell nah. Anyway, I'm full."
"You agreed. Plus, you can always go buy some other time. There's something special about having BBQ as a group."
"There's also something special about choosing bracelets as a group."
"Calm down, you two..." I sighed inwardly. They always fought, with me as the mediator. They would bicker. I would calm them down. People always said I had great critical thinking skills, which was excellent tools to have when resolving a fight. Shizuku and Evelyn both were very independent, but that only made finding a resolution ever the more satisfying for her. I smiled. The breeze ticked my neck, and she thought, how wonderful it is to be around friends and frolicking around, for simply blissful fun.
"Actually..." Evelyn turned over. "Mafuyu, why don't you choose? We haven't been to a single shop that you chose today, at all."
I was surprised. They had never done that before. I smiled. "In that case, why don't.."
Shizuku smirked. "So, Evy surrenders, eh? Well, you're right about that, though. Well, Mafuyu, what do you say?"
I repeated my interrupted words. "In that case, why don't we go to that candied hawthorn shop? It's got a nice array of flavours. It'll be nice to both eat and choose together."
Shizuku looked suspiciously. "Yeah, I like the idea but... it's more like you're catering to our choices."
I smiled. "Don't worry about me. I was thinking of something sweet, so actually, it caters to me too." I checked my phone. "In fact, why don't we head over now? There's not much of a line, and I'm looking forward to the mochi filled one on that screen."
Evelyn bounded along. "Yeah, that's why I love shopping with you, Mafuyu. You're always so patient with me, and you have a very broad taste. You like pretty much anything I like, so we both have fun shopping together!"
I checked the clock, and smiled. "Then, let's pick up the pace."
Mizuki 3
"Ya new here?"
I froze at the only too recognisable voice of my neighbor, Judith. I kept my head bowed. A million things circled and probed me, the way bees circle their comb.
She doesn't recognise me.
She doesn't recognise me.
All of a sudden, my head cleared. I knew how to do this. It's what I had been drilled to do. I turned around with a smile, only to realise I'd already made it to the bus stop. I sighed. Well, whatever. I busied myself finding the money for the bus.
I carried the next steps out as smooth as water. Walk towards the bus. Climb the stairs. Jingle the coins in. Smile at the bus driver. Search for an empty seat. Go in. Gather my bag and suit. Sit. Fasten seatbelt. Look outside. It's such a beautiful day.
A hunching man took the seat next to me. I politely gathered my suit and bag. The man mumbled, "Nice keychain," sitting down with a thump. The keychain of interest was a ring with a screw. The screw was slightly rusted, but held.
I was tired, already. Tired of my own antics, of my own life. I leaned against the window. It was suffocatingly cool and unbudging. Like it didn't care. I rearranged my arms to reaffirm a comfy yet formal position. It took quite a while. I stared at my reflection, overlapped with the flashing road, trees, and other vehicles. I still didn't recognise myself. I took to staring at my own eyes, but that was tiring, too. I blinked some time to relieve my eyes. I shut them.
It didn't work. Eyes shut, eyes open, I saw the same thing. A smiling young man. Staring at his reflection. Pasted over a river bank. A crossroads. A grass field. Moving fast.
I hated myself for being afraid. I had done all the preparations. Why? Why was I so scared?
I stared some more.
Maybe...
Maybe, I...
Maybe, I was scared that all of the protection I'd set up, wouldn't work. That even though it seemed foolproof. It was obvious, looking at it from this angle - no plan was foolproof. Maybe somewhere down the line, I started believing it. Thinking it couldn't be foiled. That I would be safe. Only this close, did I realise not. It was a high risk for it. My dream, though. My dream. I needed to do this. Or I'd fall off the cliff face. Or jump off. Maybe there'd be a bridge.
I'm sorry about the previous paragraph. If it's confusing. I feel like I'm walking in circles. I'm confusing myself here. Everything in life is so damned broken.
Mafuyu 4
"Wahhh!!" Evelyn gasped and blew at the candied hawthorn. "So hot..."
"What did you think, getting the limited X-Tra hot one?" Shizuku shook her head. "It was literally smoking"
"Well, I wanted to try something new. You can't live life doing the same thing over and over again. You literally got the most classic flavour!"
"Well, I was put off by how the syrup was literally glowing and flowing. Not gonna risk my life like that,"
Mafuyu stepped in. "Why don't you swap with me? If you don't mind my mochi one."
Evelyn gasped, all puppy-eyed. "REALLY??? You're the BEST, Mafuyu. The BEST!"
Shizuku slapped her. "But, Mafuyu, can you really eat that..?"
Mafuyu smiled. "Don't worry, I have a rather wide temperature tolerance range."
Evelyn sighed. "My damned genes,"
Mafuyu considered this. "I'm not sure that's how it goes, because my big sister has a terrible heat tolerance."
"Your big sister... Mizuki, right?"
"Right... This tastes quite good. It's molten and warm, filling me."
"Wow, you can actually eat that. I'm impressed."
"How is yours?"
"It's simply a-ma-zingo! The chewy texture of the mochi goes great with the crunchy texture of the syrup."
They chatted away into the night, heading for the station.
"Goodbye, Evelyn."
"Goodbye, Mafuyu, Shizuku. I had a great time!"
"...We'll be going now."
In the bus, Shizuku spoke up. "Umm, Mafuyu."
"Could I ask you something?"