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Touka’s first response to seeing her soulmate is to throw a kunai through his head.
It doesn’t get much better from there.
(She’s probably lucky, in the sense that her soulmate was already dead and utterly unaffected by the kunai.)
(She’s much less lucky in the sense that her soulmate is kind of an asshole.)
o.o.o.o.o
“If you don’t have a soulmate among the Uchiha, then how were you even planning on making your spying at all useful?” Touka demands, holding a kunai at Izuna’s throat even though she knows it’s useless.
“Uh…” Izuna walks over to Touka’s desk, right through the kunai and her, and then frowns in concentration and starts poking at a pen. After about five tries, he manages to make it roll off the desk and onto the floor.
It lands with a dull thunk.
Touka looks back up at him, utterly unimpressed.
“I’m working on it,” he says defensively.
“Sure you are.”
o.o.o.o.o
Izuna, Touka would like to make it known, is a dick.
Touka would like to make it clear to anyone who asks that she did not choose her soulmate, nor did she choose to let him follow her around.
He just does it anyway.
The Senju compound isn’t empty of ghosts. They have a higher population than they would if the ghosts didn’t exist, Touka thinks, if only because the ghost of one’s soulmate hanging around tends to make people less likely to go on rampages of revenge or back-to-back suicide missions on principle.
Touka has always imagined that, if she had a soulmate, their death would be a source of strange comfort, rather than the source of such frustration that she would very much like to slam her head through a wall.
“Your genjutsu could use some work.”
“Your face could use some work.”
“Fuck you, Senju, my face is flawless.”
Touka has been a genjutsu specialist for years, and this little shit is trying to tell her that it’s not good enough. Yeah, it’s no Sharingan illusion, but it’s the best damn thing anyone’s going to see without relying on some hackjob of a doujutsu.
“Hackjob? Hackjob? Excuse you, princess–”
“Princess? I’m a goddamn kunoichi, you piece of utter shi–”
“–best damn bloodline on the planet, I’ll have you know–”
“–eight years older than you, outliving you, and I could absolutely kick your ass, you obnoxious–”
“Well, you two seem to be getting along.”
Touka turns to send Tobirama a poisonous glare. Izuna’s, she imagines, is even darker than her own.
“You know,” he drawls in a fashion Touka has only ever heard from an overly confident Uchiha in a situation where battle isn’t an option, “most people consider it rude to confront the ghost of the person they killed.”
“All’s fair in love and war, and this was most definitely war, Uchiha.” Tobirama says, a glittering smirk on his mouth. “Still bitter about not being the best?”
Touka’s little cousin has always been such a drama queen.
“I’m dead, asshole!”
They devolve into their own form of bickering, a snide, vicious battle of words since their weaponry isn’t an option anymore. Touka almost wishes Izuna were still alive, even if it would have meant he’d be killing more Senju, because at least then she wouldn’t be the one dealing with him. Madara would, and from what Touka’s heard, Madara is actually very fond of his brother.
That thought gives her a pause.
“Has anyone actually told Madara that Izuna’s my–ugh–my soulmate and haunting me?”
Touka feels like this could maybe change a few things in the war effort.
Tobirama and Izuna stop arguing simultaneously, mid-word, and look thoughtful. It’s kind of funny, actually.
She almost snorts as it hits her how similar these two are, in some respects.
“We should probably get on that,” Tobirama finally says.
o.o.o.o.o
Madara looks like he wants to scream, cry, laugh, and start yelling his fool head off all at once.
Izuna, conversely, mostly looks kind of embarrassed. Touka feels for him.
Hashirama looks like he wants to squeal and jump for glee because whatever is going on here might actually lead to peace. He’s so happy. Hashirama is so goddamn happy. It’s kind of creepy.
Tobirama looks about as embarrassed as Izuna. Touka feels for him too, if slightly less, because she’s been dealing with Hashirama’s bullshit even longer than Tobirama has, by virtue of being the go-to babysitter for both of them when they were still too small to train, and people were still trying to make her a lady instead of a kunoichi.
“What kind of a goddamn trick is this?!” Madara demands after a solid minute of shock. He’s kind of sputtering. Touka is currently less than intimidated.
“Come on, Madara, it’s not a trick!” Hashirama protested. “Izuna was trying to spy on us for your sake now that he’s a ghost, and we realized he was Touka’s soulmate!”
“I still think someone tied my red thread to the wrong person,” Izuna declared.
“Fuck you too,” Touka responds without missing a beat.
“See, I’d almost consider it, but in case you haven’t noticed, Senju, I’m fucking dead.” Izuna gestures up and down himself like she’s somehow missed this fact.
(Out of the corner of Touka’s eye, she notices Tobirama looking disturbingly thoughtful, the kind of thoughtful that usually indicates she’s about to have to deal with the terrifying and usually gross results of his experiments.)
“Oh, grow up,”” She says, rolling her eyes. She follows it up by putting on a patently false expression of surprise and apology, “Oh wait, sorry, you can’t.”
“You complete b–”
“Well, I’m sure this conversation is going to be as riveting as the last five times you had it,” Tobirama interrupts, sounding bored. It’s an act, of course, but it still pisses Touka off.
“Stay out of this!” Touka and Izuna snap at him simultaneously, though Touka ends with “Tobirama!” and Izuna ends with “Senju!”
Madara’s face is turning green.
o.o.o.o.o
Two years later, Izuna’s soul just suddenly… disappears.
Touka tries not to feel too disappointed, but there’s a knock on her door to distract her a few seconds later.
She opens the door to see Tobirama standing there with a look on his face.
“Oh my god,” she says without even considering the fact that something might not be the potential start of an apocalypse, “What did you do?”
“Right, so,” he coughs into a fist. “Remember Edo Tensei?”
“Are you making a zombie army again?” Touka demands.
“No, no armies. Anyway, remember the weird incident a few weeks ago with Hashirama and Madara in a training ground?”
“Madara’s been hiding in his house and yelling at anyone who tries to go in since it happened, including Izuna on the one occasion I was close enough for him to remain audible and visible, so yeah, I remember,” Touka comments as flatly as she can.
“Right. So. That incident gave Madara the Rinnegan,” Tobirama says, and politely waits for Touka to process that.
“What did you do.” She demands again.
“So, mixing the Rinnegan and Edo Tensei? Weird plan. It worked. We brought Izuna back to life.” Tobirama gives Touka a thumbs up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some little brothers of my own to revive, since Madara’s stopped sulking.”
“Madara’s always sulking,” Touka says before her brain catches up to her. “Wait, you brought Izuna back from the dead? Properly?”
“Yes. You two can… have fun or whatever.” Tobirama flaps a hand dismissively. “I don’t want to know.”
Touka gapes as he disappears, and wonders what exactly she’s supposed to do now.
o.o.o.o.o
As it turns out, Izuna likes his sex about as rough as Touka does, and he’s gotten very frustrated at the thought of all the one-night stands she’s been having with muscular women and scarred men since they started getting along semi-peacefully.