Archive of Our Own

It was the middle of the night in the Pleiades watchtower, everyone currently residing there was probably asleep, except for one person, a silver haired half elf: Emilia.

• …

It was an extremely eventful day in the watchtower: Subaru lost his memories, the two gluttonies attacked with one eating Emilia’s name and the other took control over Reid (or more accurately allowed Reid to do as he pleases); their friend turned into a scorpion and went on a rampage alongside various other mabeasts. It was certainly not a day to fondly look back upon.

Despite it all though, they prevailed: Her knight regained his memories and helped lift her spirits up when the situation seemed dire, one of the gluttonies was killed by Ram, the other who was inside Reid was defeated by Julius and promptly captured; Subaru with help from Beatrice and Meili fended off the deadly scorpion and the mabeasts while Emilia passed the great dragon Vollachia’s test to secure the watchtower once and for all.

It all went seemingly perfect, at least at a first glance, in truth there were some cracks from the results of the battle; killing Lye didn’t restore their consumed memories, except for Emilia’s which she herself didn’t quite understand the reasoning behind. Also despite everyone’s best efforts Shaula couldn’t be restored to her original form, she was gone (unless the little scorpion that appeared in her place was her?). The great dragon Volcanica who was found at the top of the tower also seemed to have dementia and couldn’t help with restoring the casualties of gluttony and lust, which was the main goal of this excursion.

It almost seemed that their journey has been a failure, except for the death and capture of the gluttony sin archbishops. The one thing they succeeded in was opening up access to the Taygeta library, which despite its dangerous nature was undoubtedly useful.

Emilia thought that was the end to this crazy day, she unfortunately thought wrong, just when everyone thought they could finally rest easy, tragedy struck. Whilst the half elf was showing Volcanica off to the others, her knight with Patrasche, Ram and her sister stayed in the green room to heal, she would’ve never thought this would be their biggest mistake today, they heard a loud bang and came rushing down to the source. There they found the green room in ruin with Ram and Patrasche nearby.

Subaru Natsuki and Rem were gone.

• …

Emilia went for a walk around the tower, she couldn’t sleep, she was worried for Subaru to death. Thankfully, with help from both Ram and Beatrice she was sure that the both of them were alive and well, it was probably the only thing keeping her from a full out panic attack. Still though, the Lugunica candidate couldn’t help but blame herself for what transpired.

I shouldn’t have left him.  It should have been me, not him.  She thought to herself.

As soon as Ram and Beatrice revealed that the pair found themselves in the distant south the first thing she wanted to do was drop everything and immediately go to save them. Though after several seconds she sobered, even she knew that going after them immediately without a plan was both pointless and foolish, she slapped her cheeks to force herself to focus.

A few hours passed since then, everyone collectively agreed that they would pack their stuff and leave tomorrow morning, a satisfactory outcome.

After several minutes of mindlessly waddling around the empty tower, Emilia found herself in the Taygeta library. Why did she head there? Maybe she just liked the book aroma that accompanied it, perhaps she subconsciously thought she could somehow find out what happened to Subaru in here, she wasn’t entirely sure of the reason herself as to why her feet dragged her there.

She started to explore and take in the view of all the books neatly stacked in shelves, what else was there to do? They already previously explored the library for hours and didn’t find anything that could be of help and Emilia knew this wouldn’t be the time to play a hero and stay up looking through every shelf with hopes of finding a breakthrough, she was too tired for that anyway.

That was when after some time she noticed a trail of books scattered over on the floor, it must have been the result of someone from the team starting a search for something and not cleaning up afterwards, she internally apologized to the library almost as if it had a mind of its own, not disrespecting the library was one of the rules afterall, thankfully they didn’t have to worry about those anymore, still she didn’t want to leave the library a complete mess.

The half elf went to pick up one of the volumes and went over to an empty shelf spot, but before she put it back, she wondered who this book belonged to, her mind started contemplating whether she should, but it didn’t take her long to just peep at the title real quick, it was pure morbid curiosity, besides what harm can looking at a book title possibly do?

Emilia flipped over the volume in her hands and… she couldn’t read it.

“Huh?” Her bell-like voice uttered. Was she just tired? But surely being tired wouldn’t deprecate her ability to read right? Eitherway she blinked a few times to make sure, but despite knowing all three transcripts used in this world pretty well, it still seemed like pure gibberish to her, was she not as knowledgable as she first thought?

No, this wasn’t a transcript that existed in this world and even if it did, it had to have been really obscure, Emilia shouldn’t beat herself up for not being able to read it. With that knowledge, she should have just put the book back into its place, but for some reason she couldn’t.

As she went in to caress the cover of the book with her slim hand she felt like the book was almost calling to her, like it wanted her to read it. She would have had to known the person though to read it and if it was an unfamiliar transcript surely it couldn’t be one of her comrades and besides they would have to be dead and she couldn’t think of anyone that she used to know that could have been using an obscure transcript, I mean she probably would’ve known about it then, right? And even with all that, everything was still telling her to try reading it.

Am I stupid? I’m stupid. She self deprecatingly tought to herself, non the wiser her knight was thinking the exact same thing in that moment. She firmly held the book in her hand and flipped it open.

• …

“I’ve been summoned to another world?!”

The moment I landed in Lugunica I was beyond ecstatic, what could be better in my situation than a fresh new start in a different world?

Quickly though I found out, this was far from sunshine and rainbows, I had no powers, no money, nothing.

What was the point of being summoned to a new world if I didn’t even have basic living standards? To add insult to injury a group of thieves appeared to attack me.

I got completely pummeled, was anyone surprised by this? I was a shut in and didn’t even go to school and even if I wasn’t I would never succeed in a 3v1, but that’s when she appeared…

Silver hair, a bell-like voice, a pretty face and an elf? That last aspect didn’t really matter to me, I didn’t even care that I was getting beat up in that moment, I was completely blinded by her beauty.

Short after that, she saved me, was this finally where I could start my amazing adventure? She introduced herself as Satella and said she lost her insignia and was looking for it, that gave me something, a purpose.

Immediately I swooped in to help her, we searched all around town and eventually found ourselves in the slums, there I once again felt myself swallowed by her beauty as she was communicating with some minor spirits. Finally we found ourselves in front of a loothouse, immediately I offered to go in first, a mistake.

I entered and smelled iron, there was blood on the ground beneath my boots, the inside was pitch black and gave off a terrifying aura and… are those corpses? I immediately wanted to leave, but before I had a chance to do that I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my stomach and fell over.

It’s… cut open, there’s a lot of blood. It’s hot, hot, so hot. My brain must have confused the pain with warmth, my brain went into overdrive.

It’s so hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

Suddenly I heard the door to the loothouse opening.

“-baru?” A bell-like voice rang out.

No, no, no, no, no, no, get away, run away, don’t die here with me.

Before I could say anything I heard a slashing sound and saw a body falling next to me, I instinctively clenched her open hand before the clutches of death could get me.

“-finitely gonna save…”

I’m definitely gonna save you.

Natsuki Subaru died having not accomplished anything in his life.

• …

It ended just as fast as it began, it started with darkness and ended with darkness.

Emilia read the book. It took her several seconds to understand what she just witnessed.

“Was that… Su-” She cut herself off, she couldn’t finish saying it, she felt like she just witnessed some kind of nightmare, did she see herself? But she didn’t remember any of this? When did this happen? And most importantly…

Did I… die? She tought she was going insane, I mean it wasn’t possible, she’s right here. She thought to herself as she pinched her cheek as if to make sure she isn’t dreaming or something; she felt a slight sting in the place she pinched.

Subaru and I first met at the loothouse… not in the capital… She didn’t understand anything, was she misremembering? No, that’s impossible, she could never forget the confusion she felt when a random dark haired boy who seemingly also knew her went out of his way to retrieve her insignia and save her, the first thing he asked was for her name, it was a magical moment.

Was the book showing her some sort of alternative reality? But why would it do that? How would it make any sense? It doesn’t make sense, the more Emilia thought about it the more confused she was.

Whatever it was, there was one thing that kept bothering her the most as tears started flowing down her cheeks.

“I let him… I let him…” The final word couldn’t pass through her throat.

I let him die. That realization haunted her the most, it didn’t matter whether what she saw had any truth to it or not, her greatest fear being visualized right in front of her was enough to break her spirit. With tears still flowing down her cheeks she collapsed on her knees and covered her face.

“Subaru, Subaru, Subaru, Subaru, Subaru…!” She cried out, her voice becoming hoarse from struggling to breath. In the moment she didn’t care much if she woke up anybody, infact maybe she’d needed it, someone to hug her and tell it was gonna be okay, even if it was a shallow promise, it would’ve helped.

Alas though, she stayed there on the ground wallowing in her own self pity, she couldn’t stop the tears flowing for several minutes.

When they finally stopped and Emilia had time to think, apart from letting Subaru down and the absurdity of the situation, the thing that caught her eye the most was when Subaru first saw her.

Subaru really did fall in love with me at first sight despite me being a half elf. He sometimes joked with her that he fell in love at first sight with her, she herself didn’t really know what to make of it, but if she were to believe what she just witnessed was real and genuine, he never lied, she saw his thoughts firsthand, he noticed she was a half elf, but didn’t think much of it.

And I even saved him… Just that realization alone made her tear up again, but not from sadness this time, it was from hapiness and to add to the fact that Subaru really did genuinely love her, that put a wide smile to her face.

She didn’t think it was possible to have such a big switch up in emotions in a few minutes, this book showed her that it was possible, even Subaru’s love for her halted his pain from being beaten up.

Now that Emilia finished going from one side of the emotional spectrum to the other she could finally assess what to do next.

Should I tell the others what I saw? She didn’t know whether telling them this now would be a great idea considering what just transpired, but then again… when would it be a good time to tell this?

Just as she was set on heading back to the carriage to get some rest, she remembered about the trail of books that first led her to even reading the book, she was going to clean them up afterall.

She went to pickup the second book just to see the exact same array of letters. She was sure she was starting to lose it, but upon double checking with the first book, sure enough, it was the exact same title.

That made her finally realize something, this did say ‘Subaru Natsuki’? But what were these symbols? Were they from Subaru’s homeland? Her knight’s origins were always a mystery, maybe these were a part of it? But wait why are there multiple books? And Subaru isn’t even dead to begin wi-

She suddenly stopped herself, she realized that line of thinking would only lead her to the same rabbit hole of questioning she fell into earlier, it was pointless. Perhaps the best course of action was just reading the second book, if it even let her.

Well, here goes nothing. Emilia flipped open the second book of Natsuki Subaru.

• …

Everything turned black and then I found myself standing in front of an appa salesman.

What happened? What… Satella!

Without giving it a second thought I rushed to make my way back to where I was, unfortunately though I was stopped by a group of thieves.

The same… group of thieves.

Unlike last time though, I managed to fight them off and make an opening to make a run for it.

Next, I arrived at the loothouse, where I met a girl and a giant.

More importantly, the blonde haired girl was the one who stole the insignia, her name was Felt. The giant was there to help handle negotiations, his name was Rom or as Felt would call him: Old man Rom.

Though I also couldn't shake off this strange feeling, didn't I see their corpses? And wasn’t the place in ruins?

Before I had much time to think it over, it was time to negotiate for the Insignia, I wasn't the only one negotiating. However my offer in the end proved more valuable, I immediately celebrated.

Now, maybe that would have been the end of it, maybe if I just kept my damn mouth shut, though maybe this outcome would've happened either way?

“What do you plan to do with it?” An elegant voice asked me.

“Oh, I was planning to find the original owner and return it.”

That comment made everyone in the room stare at me in shock.

Suddenly the woman I was negotiating with started attacking, it didn't take long for her to take out both Felt and old man Rom and only leave me on the battlefield.

I put up a valiant effort, but eventually…

I noticed my abdomen area being soaked in blood. Once the adrenaline wore off, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach and I fell over once again. My brain went into overdrive.

Am I dead? Am I alive? When will I die? When will I die? I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared.

“Do you feel your body turning cold?” My murderer started mocking me, deservingly so.

Just as she predicted, my body eventually lost all its warmth.

Natsuki Subaru died for the second time having not accomplished anything.

• …

Emilia’s brain once again couldn't comprehend what she saw at first, it was still in shock at what it saw.

“Felt…” She barely uttered. She saw her and Rom getting brutally slaughtered by the bowel hunter: Elsa.

No, not only them, Subaru too, he died a second time. The half elf felt herself boiling up in anger, how could there be someone so cruel? But then she remembered.

Right, she’s dead, Garfiel killed her. That finally made her calm down a bit after which she returned to trying to understand the situation.

Emilia decided to throw away the alternate reality theory, Subaru seemed to have memories of the previous world she saw, but how? What is the meaning of all this? She still didn't understand.

The half elf decided the best course of action would just be to pick up the next book, she wasn’t sure why, but she was almost certain the next book would have the exact same characters on the cover.

Upon picking up the third book and flipping it over, she was right, the same jumble of characters. Emilia took a deep breath and opened the third book of Natsuki Subaru.

• …

Once again I found myself in front of the same appa salesman and… fainted, I was convinced I was starting to completely lose it.

When I woke up I saw the same salesman offering me an appa and a cup of water, I was about to take them when out of the corner of my eye I noticed white robes and silver hair, was it her?

I immediately tried to go after her screaming out her name or at least… what I thought was her name…

“Satella, wait up!” I shouted across the street. The rest of what happened is foggy, but I basically received a death stare from the half elf and a shocked expression from the crowd, then Felt came and stole her insignia, I was promptly accused of being a distraction.

Now, not knowing what to do I just ran away, where I was going? I wasn’t sure myself, but I eventually found myself in an alleway and…

The same three thieves appeared again, maybe he really did lose it, that or these folks are REALLY persistent.

Eitherway, he decided he had enough and decided he was just gonna storm through them as if it’s nothing, but as he was about to went past them he felt a sharp pain in his lower back.

“Grh-” I uttered as I fell over on my stomach.

“Holy shit, did you really stab him?” One of the thieves asked, alarmed.

“Fuck, I didn’t mean to! I didn’t mean to!” The thief who stabbed me defended himself.

I looked back to see a knife plunged into my back, blood all over.

Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!

Suddenly I felt the knife leaving my body.

“What are you doing?!” Terrified, said the first thief.

“Well, we can’t just stand there! We’ll be caught, grab anything useful and let’s dip!” The third thief who pulled out the knife yelled.

The last thing I heard before dying was the sounds of footsteps rushing to get away.

Subaru Natsuki died for a third time. having truly not accomplished anything this time.

• …

Emilia’s brain went into overdrive.

What? What? What? What? Why? Why? It happened in the first book, but her brain seemingly ignored it. In the third installment of the Subaru Natsuki series, he used the name: ‘Satella’ and was given a death stare.

Why did I say that was my name? Did I just not trust him? Because of what he did, he embarrassed himself in front of the whole crowd present, though no, not just embarrassed, he made everyone present give him a death wish, I suppose it worked… maybe sooner than everyone expected though.

Oh no… A terrible feeling appeared in her stomach.

Did Subaru really go through all of this? If he did why didn’t he say anything? Why? Why? Why? It would make sense, why he knew about the insignia being stolen, where it would be sold at, why he cared about Emilia so much, why he knew Puck’s name, if everything that happened here is real it would line up with all the questions surrounding Subaru’s appearance in the loot house that day.

“Is this… Subaru’s authority?” She weakly asked. If he had a power that allowed him to go back in time, it would explain a lot, why he’s always at the right place at the right time, why he always knows what to do, his seemingly impossible feats. But at what cost?

Dying over and over again? Emilia felt sick, she didn’t want to read more, but at the same she felt like she was already too deep into it and needed to see Subaru’s fate through.

I mean if THIS is what he was hiding all this time then she definitely needed to see it, if she had the chance to finally understand his pain, it was her duty, she can’t walk away from her knight’s suffering like that.

With new found determination, she opened the fourth book of Natsuki Subaru.

• …

I once again found myself in front of the appa salesman, I didn’t stay there long though. I went to sit on a nearby stair to think through stuff.

I thought about what happened, my power, I decided to call it ‘return by death’. 

Not long after I run into the same alleyway and into the same thugs, I didn’t know whether I was stupid or I was just being followed by these guys somehow.

This time I decided to call for the guards, eventually a red haired swordsman showed up: Reinhard Van Astrea. He immiediately scared off the thieves, I asked him to deliver a message and immediately after I made my way to the slums.

There I encountered… Elsa, the bowel hunter who killed me once before, no, twice before, my death in the first loop was by her hands too.

Whether it was dumb luck, or a random show of good faith from the assassin, she spared me, despite sensing my fear and anger.

Next I tried to trade my cellphone directly with Felt for the insignia, unfortunately that failed and we moved over to the loothouse. Eventually, a silver haired half elf entered and demanded her insignia back, unfortunately shortly after that, Elsa attacked.

After a skirmish that lasted a few minutes, someone else arrived, the sword saint: Reinhard. It would be the second time he’d be saving me this loop, nonetheless I appreciated it.

After a long and hard fought battle, Reinhard prevailed and made Elsa retreat, but before she did that, she swang at Emilia, but with my sharp instinct I got in the way of her attack and blocked it with a giant club.

Everything went almost perfectly, we fended off Elsa, the insignia was retrieved, but there was also one more thing, what was her actual name?

“What is your name?” I asked putting my hand forward.

“Oh, Emilia, just Emilia.” She answered, covering her mouth in a giggle.

Emilia… in that moment I felt as if I fell in love with her even more, what a pretty name.

Before I could celebrate my victory further I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my stomach, the adrenaline wore off.

She got me… I had to redo this loop. I thought as my vision turned into black.

That was not the case though, because I woke up laying down and into an unfamiliar ceiling, I arrived at a mansion.

There I met Beatrice, the twin sisters Rem and Ram and the mansion’s owner Roswaal.

It was a peaceful few days, I became a servant at the mansion, I got along with some kids at a nearby village and Emilia agreed to go on a date with me? It was something beyond my wildest dreams, my amazing adventure finally begun. I could start actually living an awesome new life!

Or at least that’s what I thought as I was fantasizing about tomorrow’s date with Emilia as I headed to sleep.

Natsuki Subaru fell asleep to never wake up that day.

• …

Once Emilia got freed from the book’s grasp it took her a few moments to rack her brain about the order of events, but once she did, a smile appeared on her face.

He finally succeeded. The events she saw were finally like the ones she remembered all that well, it was also… nice, to relive that moment, but once she stopped thinking about how magical that moment was as a start to their relationship, no, a new start to their relationship, something else occurred to her.

I don’t recognize the first few days of Subaru living in the mansion going like this… She distinctly remembered her knight working tirelessly around the mansion, that fact didn’t change, but one key component was missing, he didn’t cry his eyes out on her lap, it was kind of embarrassing to think back upon, but… it was a memorable moment for the both of them she thought, but it was missing, that gave her a bad feeling.

And what about the mabeast attack? Why did the book end? He didn’t die… There was a clear pattern with the volumes so far, it ended when Subaru died, but he didn’t. She realized he must have, somehow.

Emilia decided her questions would be answered if she just took a look at the next book, without further thinking she opened the fifth book of Natsuki Subaru.

• …

In the following books, Emilia saw Subaru go through more confusing and suffering, first he had to repeat a whole week, for seemingly no reason, but his fate remained the same, this time though, he didn’t die in his sleep, but in a hallway

.

In the next loop her knight switched up his strategy, he decided that staying in the mansion would just kill him, he decided to leave and watch over the mansion late into the evening to try and catch the killer attacking the mansion. This strategy didn’t show much success and he died again.

• …

Once Emlia finished the 6th book, she was immediately filled with dread.

Rem…? Ram…? A massive hole appeared in her stomach. The fact that the blue haired maid contributed to his death was obvious enough, she showed her face there right on, but because Emilia was a heavily experienced magic user, she could identify that Ram was also there lurking in the shadows; she used her wind magic to first cut Subaru’s leg then slash his neck.

Why? Why? Why? You were supposed to love Subaru, not hate him… She felt betrayed, betrayed by the people she trusted. Emilia wondered how did Subaru end up loving Rem almost as much as her, she killed him… or more importantly, why didn’t Subaru give up? Any normal person in this situation would write off the two maids as murderers and escape the mansion immediately in the next loop, but that’s when Emilia remembered something.

Rem said he smelled like the witch cult? She was dumbstruck, her knight? Smelled like the witch? That’s why she killed him? It pained her to say this, but… she understood why Rem killed Subaru, it was definitely unjustifiable and completely horrible, but… it wasn’t completely ridiculous. Ram said her village was attacked by witch cultists at a young age and killed everyone besides her, well… her and Rem, she must have held a deep hatred for anyone associated with them ever since.

But… Subaru didn’t know that, he was clueless about this world, to him the maid was horrible to kill him over something so trivial.

Why didn’t you give up, Subaru? Emilia pondered this as she grabbed the 7th book.

• …

Opposite of what Emilia thought, Subaru did give up. He tried telling Emilia about his ability, but was promptly stopped by some divine force, after that he relegated himself to staying in bed all week…

That was… till one day, he was asked to come over to Rem’s bedroom where he saw Ram crying over the body of her dead sister, no matter what he did, tragedy still struck somewhere.

After that a fight broke out, Subaru ran, he ran, he ran as far as he could as he finally found himself on the top of a cliff and that’s where he made a realization.

He could make a difference, he could, if he tried, if he just jumped off this cliff, but why? Why did he care so much? Why did he consider risking taking his life for them after what happened in past loops? Emilia received the answer to her question.

“I care, for all of you! Every one of you means the world to me!” The black haired boy yelled at the top of his lungs. He loved them, that was the reason… It was the first time Subaru Natsuki ever felt loved by someone that wasn’t his family, it was something that he couldn’t ever forget, so with that…

Subaru Natsuki jumped and ended his life.

• …

He… loves every single one of us? It was such a simple and stupid answer yet Emilia didn’t think of it, a few acts of kindness propelled him into never giving up, though no… he did give up for a moment, but he remembered about all the love he was given and decided right there and there he would save all of them, even if he didn’t know how to.

Emilia didn’t know whether it was the upmost show of love or just plain stubbornness, whatever it was, she appreciated it and with a bittersmile on her face as she reached for the next book.

• …

In the contents of this book she was glad that she remembered all events that transpired in the mansion, her knight succeeded, he saved everyone in the village and Rem.

After that she saw them happily spending their time in the mansion for about 2 months without any hiccups and problems, including when Emilia caused snow to fall over the mansion and Subaru used it as an excuse to create a fun competition for all the villagers and mansion crew.

After that came the part that Emilia was dreading, the day Subaru made a fool of himself in front of the most important people in Lugunica and the two of them had an argument, it was perhaps the darkest moment in her memory, it still haunted her sometimes, reliving it made me her heart ache, but that was probably the least of her worries, she found out that Subaru has entered another loop of death and despair… he died again, this time through being frozen upon finding everyone dead at the mansion.

In the next loop, she saw Subaru go insane and basically give this loop up to chance, he witnessed an archbishop kill Rem which unfortunately already set this loop up for doom as Subaru died again.

In the very next loop, Subaru again tried to save everyone, but this time, a new threat appeared, the white whale. Subaru and his companions stood no chance, everyone and everything was destroyed, except for Subaru, he survived longer and managed to reach his way to the mansion, there he found out Rem was removed from existence, after that he went to Emilia and after an unfortunate turn of events... he made her die, shortly after that he was teleported by Beatrice and frozen by Puck.

• …

Emilia could do nothing, but cry between reading sessions, her mind basically collapsed, she couldn't do anything anymore, but just cry for her knight and his suffering, at this point she didn’t even care that Puck killed her knight thrice, it would give her more pain than needed if she thought too deeply about it.

Still full of tears that wouldn’t stop coming she grabbed the 11th book.

• …

There she found out the thing that stopped Subaru from giving up again, though that wouldn’t exactly be accurate to say, because he did give up, but Rem brought him back to his senses and helped him realize his worth as a human being and show him some much needed love, he clearly was lacking it.

With Rem’s help, Subaru went on a mission and with the help of the information he learned from previous loops he first managed to ally their camp with both Anastasia’s and Crusch’s camps to defeat the white whale and immediately after fight Petelguese, the sin archbishop of Sloth, unfortunately the second task would need multiple tries as Subaru died being posessed as Petelguese.

Thankfully, Subaru woke up after the battle of the white whale concluded, he was able to repeat the attempt to defeat Petelguese, this time he succeeded and Emilia saw herself from the past ask the question she herself wanted to ask, except unlike her past self who straight up didn’t know the answer, her current self seemingly forgot from all the tragedies she just witnessed and needed to be reassured.

“Why? Why? Why?” Past Emilia hecticaly asked.

“Because I love you, Emilia.” Subaru answered in a soothing voice.

After that it was almost like a scene from an action movie, her knight heroically risked his life to travel far away from the carriage to drop the hidden explosives in a nearby cave, thankfully he succeeded with the next thing she saw being her face looking down at Subaru; they shared a heart to heart together.

It all seemed like the long awaited end of pain and suffering, it couldn’t be further from the truth though.

“Who’s Rem?”

Subaru proceeded to kill himself, trying to undo that tragedy.

• …

“He… he…” As soon as Emilia regained her composure she started feeling sick, her brain decided to ignore the happy moments she relived as it focused on the most recent thing she saw.

He killed himself, trying to save Rem. Once her brain fully processed it she vomited off to the side, making sure to not hit any of the books.

Ah, crap… Emilia felt like this was a long time coming, it just took him killing himself right there in the moment to break her.

She wiped her mouth covered in a mixture of tears, vomit and sweat, she quickly cleaned the rest of the vomit with some magic.

After taking a few moments to compose herself and taking a couple minute mental break to giggle about the cute moment she shared with her knight, Emilia realized she was about to face more pain. She might not have been the sharpest tool in the shed at times, but even she realized in that moment that Subaru probably didn’t solve the problems of the sanctuary and the mansion in one go.

With that she forced her brain to focus by again slapping her cheeks and driven by Subaru’s own resilience, she promptly grabbed the 13th book.

• …

There, besides Subaru’s slow realization that he couldn’t save Rem, she saw the beginning of the events of the sanctuary, though that wasn’t anything special or interesting, what was interesting was… when Subaru entered the ruins and started… the trial?

Emilia saw him wake up in a place she didn’t recognize, she saw his homeland and his family even if she didn’t know it yet, she saw Subaru’s struggle to find acceptance in both his parents and finally go to school and meet Echidna there.

Eventually though, in this loop Subaru returned to the mansion alone and was murdered by Elsa.

• …

Emilia was shocked, the last thing she expected to experience was Subaru passing the trials, specifically the first one, facing your past.

Were those Subaru’s parents? Where was he? She was confused to say the least, the area she just saw looked like nothing in Lugunica or… anything in this world for that matter, black concrete roads, lights, benches, rows of houses. It looked like something out of this world, though perhaps… it was from out of this world? Was Subaru… really from beyond the great waterfall?

Is this your homeland, Subaru? A part of her really wanted to go there one day and have Subaru explain all the little quirks to her, not just that, she’d also love to meet his parents, they seem like really nice people and Puck told her that you need to get along with your partner’s parents right?

As she stopped fantasizing about a meeting with Subaru’s parents, she remembered that her worries were once again confirmed.

He died again. She didn’t dwell much about at this point, she still felt like crying, but she at least knew he’d persist, no matter what, he wouldn’t give up.

Emilia picked up the next book, not aware she’d start the most painful set of loops yet.

• …

She saw him struggle with new problems again and again. Whether it was Garfiel being a threat, Elsa and Meili attacking the mansion, a dark shadow attacking the sanctuary or snow falling and white bunnies attacking the sanctuary. No matter how many times Subaru thought it couldn’t get worse, new complications arose, death after death, book after book, at this point Emilia’s brain went into a full breakdown, how can one’s heart and mind not break after all this? The only thoughts that kept appearing in her mind were:

I’m sorry, Subaru.

You really are persistent, Subaru.

You really will always save us, huh, Subaru?

It reached a point that Emilia started feeling… proud of her knight? She started wondering if these experiences haven’t done permanent mental damage to her brain, but on the other hand… is there anything wrong with finding a positive in something filled seemingly with only despair and pain? And that’s when she realized it…

Yes there is, Subaru taught me that today. No matter how dire the situation became, no matter how much he wanted to give up, Natsuki Subaru always found a positive that convinced him to keep going, whether it was a new piece of information or something as simple as a funny or happy moment shared with one of his friends, that’s what pushed him to keep going. Emilia truly found it admirable and in that moment she felt proud she chose him as her knight.

Eventually, despite all the tears she finally reached for the next book, number 18, not aware it would be the last from the events of the sanctuary.

• …
  
  

Subaru entered this loop, probably himself not expecting it to be the last, he was still set on using return by death as a tool to gather information as he wasn’t able to figure out a solution.

Though, after running off after a conversation with Roswaal, someone made him realize he didn’t need to use RBD to figure it out, he could use…

His friends…

After that, it was events Emilia remembered herself or vaguely heard about before, she had to admit though, it was fun to see them again as well as… her kissing Subaru, it was… a lot more awkward than she remembered.

Subaru with the help of Otto and Garfiel managed to defeat both of the attackers of the mansion as well as Subaru freeing Beatrice from her library by forming a contract which finally led to him and the now newly contracted spirit to defeat the great rabbit without a single trail.

And that was that for the sanctuary, Emilia saw the ceremony of Subaru being honored as a knight, reliving probably one of the happiest moments of her life as she just danced with Subaru into the night.

After that was a 1 year break from any serious action, but that didn’t last forever as they reached Priestella.

After his first death in the city, Emilia wondered something horrific.

How many attempts did it take you to figure out Regulus’ authority, Subaru? As that horrible thought passed her mind, there was another however almost battling her pessimism, him alongside her and Reinhard tried a series of different ways to hurt Regulus, a bit too many… if it wasn’t Subaru’s first time… That thought gave her optimism that Subaru managed to defeat the sin archbishop of greed on his first try, she had to continue reading to find out.

Besides a couple minute cry breaks in between both of his other deaths by the hands of the archbishop of wrath, Emilia was surprised to eventually find out that… those deaths would be his last in the water gate city. She was right, she made the mistake of doubting her knight’s ability at first, but in truth she knew he went too far to fail now.

In truth Emilia only had to slowly take this into realization after the fact as she was still stuck in the book, viewing the next set of events like the aftermath in Priestella and eventually…

The trip to the Pleiades watchtower.

This was what Emilia dreaded the most to see when she eventually thought about it after realizing his ability.

Everything was going as she remembered so far till… the other earth dragon they were travelling with loudly roared which forced them to run away from the lured mabeasts, eventually causing Subaru to be shot in the head point blank with a laser.

Subaru Natsuki’s 21st death.

• …

No matter how many times Emilia was relieved from her duties of watching Subaru’s memories, she could never get used to the feeling, every time it was like her consciousness being swept away from her body and forcefully put into another body, it was something you could never really get used to.

She was stuck in the book significantly longer this time around than any other time, it took her longer to pull herself together.

Subaru barely survived an encounter with the sin archbishop of lust, then proceeded to make the most motivational speech he could ever muster.

It was as beautiful as I remembered it. When she heard that speech stuck in Regulus’ mansion, it immediately gave her courage to fight back against the cruelty of greed, especially since that was when she originally found out knight was safe and sound, truly no better way to find out.

Regulus really was defeated in one attempt, Sirius captured with the rest of the archbishops forced to retreat, besides the first few deaths, Subaru did it all flawlessly, once again she felt proud of him, obviously he wasn’t the sole reason they won, but he played a significant part and he did it without any noteworthy hiccups excluding the beginning.

Now was the time for the most recent expedition of the Emilia camp and co. The Pleiades watchtower. The half elf didn’t want to theoretize much as she already saw the first death of the expedition, she did make the realization of who killed him though.

Shaula… if she realized what she did she would’ve cried her eyes out. Certainly, the guard who watched over the tower for 400 eyes didn’t realize that this would be a man she loved or at least, thought it was the man who she loved.

Eitherway, Emilia bit her lip trying to forget about the pain Subaru has experienced and will continue to experience.

Next book.

• …

The next loop didn’t differ much from the first attempt, Subaru reappeared a couple minutes before his death, having no time to think however he was able to only prolong his survival by a few moments, splitting from the group in the process and staying with Beatrice and Patrasche as both Subaru and the latter were brutally killed by the bright sniper shots.

In the next loop, Subaru was more lucky, he was able to stop the earth dragon from roaring and also alarmed the group of the sniper hunting for them, with that they formed a plan to stop the sniper’s shots with a special spell Beatrice and Subaru created, unfortunately, they miscalculated, which caused them to create a rift in space and all of them get teleported around the place.

Her knight woke up in a cave frantically trying to be waken up by Ram, a few moments later he also met up with Anastasia or more accurately Echidna in the body of the candidate for king of Lugunica riding on Patrasche. The group eventually made their way to a crossroads and made the mistake of turning right.

There they ended up founding a set of doors which Subaru was able to open, but unfortunately once they got to the fourth door, he was unable to open that one.

Frustration from the long time they spent there mixed with the witches’ miasma messing with their minds caused the atmoshpere to turn tense. Ram accused Subaru of not caring for her twin sister, that comment sparked a fire in the black haired boy’s heart which caused him to attack the pink haired maid, from that first attack it turned into a full on brawl, the both of them traded blows back on forth, till Subaru seemingly won.

He was mistaken though as she eventually stood up, but was promptly stabbed in the back by Echidna. Subaru who was outraged at this attacked her with his unseen hand, splitting her in two, eventually after some struggle between the two, the boy managed to throw away the spirit’s half alive body.

Just when Subaru thought he won the battle, there was someone who still had one final say, his own ground dragon who he went through so much with, ate him without a second thought.

Natsuki Subaru died, completely swallowed by hate

• …

“AHH-!!!” Emilia frantically yelled out with wide eyes upon being freed from the book, quickly covering her mouth, remembering it was the middle of the night. The muffled screams coming out of her mouth continued for a few minutes as tears flowed out once again. If this is how things continued, Emilia was convinced she was gonna run out of water in her body, obviously she wouldn’t, but she did think about it; looking at her outfit, it was completely soaked in tears in certain spots, she figured she would just explain these by saying she was just worrying for Subaru all night, which… wouldn’t have exactly been inaccurate to say.

Subaru… Ram… Echidna… Patrasche… It was terrible, a complete massacre. She felt terrible for everyone involved, even if only Subaru remembered it, they all felt it. She hated seeing her friends fight, obviously this is an extreme example, the half elf figured this must’ve been the sand fumes they were warned about way earlier, still it must’ve mostly only amplified their emotions and give murderous intent, afterall both Subaru’s and Ram’s frustration must have been genuine to some extent.

Anyway, Emilia was about ready to move on from what happened as long as nothing like it happens again… a foolish thought.

She once again picked up the next book.

• …

In this loop thankfully, Emilia saw a succesful attempt at getting out of the cave, after an intense battle with a mabeast lurking inside, they were saved by a white light and Subaru passed out.

Subaru woke up and the half elf didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary, everything was as she remembered, their team was handling stuff in the watchtower as usual. The only thing that was surprising was the night time talk between her knight, the spirit Echidna and the greatest of knights Julius. That’s when Subaru went into the Taygeta library, where Emilia was currently residing to figure out Reid’s weakness, little did he know that would be his biggest mistake in quite a long time.

Subaru Natsuki, the knight of the silvered haired half elf, the slayer of two great mabeasts and two sin archbishops, one that inspired hundreds in a moment of hopelessness, was consumed by darkness.

• …

Upon waking up, Emilia for the first time had a smile on her face.

He survived, everything is okay. She was really glad, they were normally investigating the great Pleiades tower, Emilia couldn’t be more grateful.

So grateful infact she forgot what would happen beyond this point.

Wait… why did the book end? He didn’t die, did he? What happened…? Emilia was confused, the books have always held a strict pattern, from returning from death to death, they never steered away and unless this was also a situation like the events in the mansion where he died in his sleep, this book for some reason was different. Why?

As it started to develop a habit for Emilia inside this library, she once again decided to answer her own questions by just reading the next installment of Subaru Natsuki’s books.

Little did she know… this one was gonna be a reboot.

• …

“I’ve been summoned to another world?!”

The first thing I noticed upon waking up in a new world was all the greenery, a silver haired half elf and a blonde drill haired loli as well as an oversized lizard, that’s how I recognized this was a different world.

Obviously as cultured people do when they meet two pretty girls, they introduce themselves.

“My name is Subaru Natsuki!” I introduced myself, full of energy.

But… something was wrong… very wrong… apparently they already know me? Apparently I’ve already been here for a year?

As I looked around my body, I noticed muscle and scars that definitely weren’t there before when I was just walking to the convenience store and this outfit…

This must’ve meant only one thing… did I lose my memories? The two girls in front of me who’s names were Emilia and Beatrice respectively must’ve came to the same conclusion.

Well, in movies amnesia usually losts no longer than a few hours so I didn’t fret over it much at first. The only other thing that bothered me was how friendly these two girls were with me, how long did I know them? What did past me do to befriend these two? I figured I’d find out in due time.

Shortly after that, my situation was explained to the other people found in this tower, those being: Ram, Julius, Echidna, Meili and Shaula. I somehow get the feeling we all were close before this, because… the reveal of my amnesia state had… mixed reactions.

The pink haired girl Ram was convinced that all of this was just some elaborate plan and it was all an act, I politely declined such notion. Julius on the other hand was in complete shock, how close must we have been? Or was there a different reason to warrant that reaction?

On the other hand, both Beatrice and Emilia were optimistic, well… as optimistic as you can be given the situation. And as for the other three in the group… they were… oddly indifferent? They didn’t really seem to care that much that I seemingly lost my memories, besides Echidna who claimed I wouldn’t be useful as I am right now. Hard to deny her, but that would imply I used to be useful, what possibly did all these people see in me?

It was eventually decided that I was able to help them with their research, though it quickly became apparent to me that…

I couldn’t read any of this.

So no long after that I wandered out of the library and into the many hallways of this tower, I tried finding out if I had any powers and if I could still use the whip that past me picked as a weapon, both ended up as failures.

In that moment as I walked around the hallways of this place I wondered if I had any worth to anyone in that moment, given the situation, eventually I found myself looking down a huge flight of stairs going downwards.

Wow, these stairs go on forever. That’s when I felt a slight push on my back.

I was falling. My brain went into overdrive.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Please wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Waittttt-!

I passed out mid air.

Natsuki Subaru died having not accomplished anything in his life.

• …

Emilia woke up again, but this time instead of a smile, all she could muster was having her mouth slightly agape with her eyes completely wide open, at this point she couldn’t even cry.

The half elf somehow forgot that… he lost his memories, she didn’t know how, she vividly remembered it when he came to her rescue when she was fighting against the archbishop of gluttony. I guess in the result of how hectic this day was and everything that she witnessed in such a short span, she somehow forgot all about it.

This Subaru had no memories of all their time spent in the new world, he was like a freshly born baby tackling something he has no expertise in and forced to fill expectations he didn’t know why he had.

Poor Subaru… he didn’t deserve all this… She pitied this new iteration of her knight, even if he forgot that he was, she would never forget that.

But that’s when another terrifying thought came to her.

Who killed him? There’s no way… could it have been… Emilia suddenly connected the dots, it all made sense now, the reason Subaru asked her to supervise his meeting with Meili later on was, because he knew she would’ve attempted to kill him and yet… he still tried his hardest to help her in spite of that…

He really is a good person at heart… That realization made Emilia’s heart feel warmth inside, her brain forgot about all the bad she just witnessed and focused on the one thing that made her happy, maybe it was childish… but at this point, Emilia frankly didn’t care right now, he was just happy how good of a person her knight was.

With that realization she reached for the 26th book.

I hope you won’t take too long to figure this one out, Subaru.

• …

I woke up once again laying down in the exact same place I first woke up in this world.

Huh? What happened? Did I pass out in the library again?

My mind was hazy to the events that transpired right before I woke up, I guess for now it didn’t matter too much right? I was wrong.

When I spoke to Emilia and Beatrice they gave off the impression as if the entire day so far hasn’t happened and it’s as if the day completely restarted to this morning, but how is that possible? If it’s true then…

Is… this my power? Prophetic dreams? I thought they were a bit too realistic to just be dreams, I brushed it off in the moment though.

I repeated the rest of the day, everything proceeded the same way as in my dream… why? What was the purpose of the dream, what was it supposed to show?

I wondered while again walking around the hallways of the watchtower, that’s when a thought occurred to me.

If I always had these prophetic dreams, then surely everyone should know about them and let me know , right? Unless… he didn’t tell them about it…

What were you planning Subaru Natsuki?

After pondering it over, I decided I will tell everyone about the prophetic dream I experienced. Screw what the previous version of me had planned, now I am in control and can decide on my own.

Just as I was about to rush into the dining room where everyone currently was, I overheard perhaps a little bit more than I should.

“Natsuki wouldn’t be much use to us as of right now.” A cunning voice stated.

“I must agree.” A sharp voice stated in agreement.

“Ram?!” A bell-like voice protested.

“I know it must pain you, miss Emilia, but it’s true that Barusu in his current state won’t be able to support us.” The sharp voice continued.

“Ridiculous, in fact.” A cutesy voice also protested.

“Unfortunately, both of you are probably right.” An elegant voice hesitantly voiced its thoughts.

Hearing all of that immediately made me turn my heel and run the other way, eventually reaching the edge of the flying stairs, he felt like he distinctly was here before, but couldn’t exactly put his finger on it.

That’s right, they don’t trust me anymore, they probably wouldn’t even believe in my prophetic dream story. But that was when a horrible feeling appeared in my stomach.

Wait… I was here in my dream… and…

Before I could finish my thought, I felt a slight push on my back.

I was falling… again.

“AAAHH!” I screamed as loud as my lungs allowed me.

Throughout my journey downwards I unfortunately caught myself hitting the same flight of stairs from different angles, disevering first my leg, then my arm, then the other leg, it ended as a body falling down with a group of limbs following, eventually…

I hit the ground.

“Who are you?” I felt as if I heard my own voice mocking me.

Natsuki Subaru once again died having not accomplished anything.

• …

“O-Oh… S-Subaru…” Emilia expected hiccups on the new Subaru’s journey, but… not… not like this, he died twice. Died twice for no apparent reason, he was innocent, completely innocent, he still is, but here it felt… different. This Subaru wasn’t ready, he didn’t know what he was getting himself into, but then again… so was the original Subaru, no… this is still the same Subaru… he still has the same willpower, he must have. The half elf clutched her chest as she tried to hold on to the little optimism she could muster up as she grabbed the next book.

• …

This time, my brain was fully aware of what had happened last time and I snapped.

Upon waking up I completely snapped as my brain completely shut down, with tears filling my eyes I did everything just for it to end, swinging my arms side to side.

“Subaru! Are you okay?” Emilia asked, concerned as she… touched my back.

This immediately caused me to lean forward. Don’t… don’t touch me.

“Subaru, calm down, I suppose!” Beatrice frantically pleaded.

Then my brain completely shirt circuited, I slapped Beatrice on the cheek and run away. I decided I would apologize later, for now I needed to get away.

I ran through the tower, trying to find anywhere I could hide away, anywhere… just to not feel pain again.

Eventually I found a flight of stairs going upwards.

“Hahahahaha!” I maniacally laughed, while going up them. I was certainly starting to lose it.

But, once I got to the top of the stairs, what I saw was certainly anything, but what I expected

I saw a wide open room, with a powerful looking red haired man staring down at me.

“Huh? What do you want kid? You came alone? You want to get beat up? His voice was menacing, I immiediately felt a dangerous aura coming out of him, it paralyzed me as it left me just staring wide eyed at him.

He must have gotten annoyed at me refusing to speak as he eventually stabbed my stomach with a pair of chopsticks.

“Hrk-!” I proceed to feel… my guts getting softly touched with a piece of wood.

“Aaaaa- aaaah… AAAH!” The red haired figure eventually pulled out the chopsticks out of me and kicked me, sending me down the stairs.

“You bore me.” Is the last thing I heard, before feeling the impact of the stairs below me.

Pain, pain, pain, pain. That’s all this world had to offer for me.

A few hours ago I was having dinner with my parents… why? Why? What did I do to deserve this?

“Mom! Dad! Why?!” But the reality was that I knew, this must’ve been my personal hell for being a bad son… when I left today… I didn’t say goodbye… because…

I didn’t clean the mug after myself. I didn’t say goodbye to my mom, because of a stupid mug.

After that I resorted to just hopeless sobs, what was the point? But eventually I was found by someone.

“Subaru!” I faintly heard a bell-like voice alarmingly calling out to me, I passed out.

I woke up being comforted by Emilia and Beatrice, but at that point it was the least of my worries.

I decided to run away, what was the point? If I was just gonna die in the tower anyway? I wouldn’t let them kill me. As it turns out this was also a mistake.

After an unfortunate set of events I ended up trapped in a cave under the desert and I ended up reaching a path filled with a set of doors which I could open.

I managed to open 4, but I was unable to open the 5th one, why? Why? Why? Why won’t you open, you stupid door?! I resorted to just banging my head against the tough rock door and as if somehow my cries for help were heard from the universe, I got teleported.

But… I wouldn’t have called this a favorable result, I teleported to the bottom of the tower, I snapped.

If I can’t run away to prevent them killing me then I would’ve just had to kill them.

I’ll kill them, I’ll kill them, I’ll kill them, I’ll kill them. I thought as I climbed a flight of stairs as I reached the top, I was ready to claim my first victim, but what I saw instead shocked me.

A dead body, exploring further, another dead body and another and another. Eventually I was convinced everyone died, except that wasn’t the case, someone was alive or something rather.

A black oversized lizard, I learned her name was Patrasche, I proceeded to stab her, but she didn’t attack me, instead she decided to save me, save me from an upcoming black void.

After a struggle and a few moments of running away, the oversized black lizard was eaten by the void as I ended up on a balcony overviewing the desert, that didn’t last long though as someone swiftly cut off my neck.

“Better luck next time, hero.”

Subaru Natsuki died only trusting an earth dragon.

• …

“Oh my…” He… he couldn’t handle it anymore and he tried leaving us… it turns out Emilia might have been wrong about Subaru, he immediately gave up, she couldn’t really blame him though, it was something she expected him to do long ago, I guess it took complete distrustment and a mental collapse to finally try and leaving them, to him anyone in that tower could have been responsible for his death if not everyone combined.

A dark cloud… What was that? And who killed him? Was it gluttony? Were they the ones who killed everyone in the tower? Or was it something else? Questions, questions with no one to answer… except a book neatly laying on the ground.

Number 28, go.

• …

This time Subaru decided to keep his amnesia hidden, revealing it is what caused him to die the first two times, right? This surely must have increased his chances of survival, after 3 loops he figured he knew them well enough to to mask his amnesia well enough and if he slips up he’ll just say he isn’t feeling well.

He started with confronting Julius, with what? He didn’t know, it turned out there was something that happened between them, but it certainly wasn’t any murderous intent, he could cross him out.

Eventually he found himself in a room with Meili, she asked him to talk things through.

“How seriously should I take last night?” The next thing he knew he was in a dim room with sharp pain in his forearm.

He’d soon find out he killed Meili Portroute, despite his best efforts, he couldn’t bring her back to life and upon hiding it, another complication occurred.

Meili’s book of dead appeared. Subaru saw Meili’s life from start to finish, all pain, all happiness, all hate, all front and centre… he even saw… him killing her.

This completely broke him, the rest of the day was spent him laying in the green room anxiously, hoping no one found the body, that wasn’t his biggest concern though, it was the mocking voice that appeared in his voice taunting him for murdering Meili, almost as if it was Meili herself or was it himself?

Eventually he decided to check of where he hid Meili’s body, to find it gone which was when he was confronted by Ram, he was accused of being a fake, a skinwalker or whatever, but before he could be killed by Ram, he was encased in an ice cage.

Emilia made sure he didn’t die and after the two argued, he passed out.

He found himself outside the ice cage with a dislocated shoulder, the walls being covered in mad writings: ‘Subaru Natsuki was here’.

He eventually found out the tower was attacked and eventually after a long skirmish, everyone was dead, besides him and Emilia and despite the black void threatening to destroy them, that was when he finally revealed he lost his memories much to Emilia’s shock, that’s when Subaru finally broke and vented out all of his newly developed insecurities.

But what followed the exchange was something he could have never predicted. For the first time since arriving here, he finally… got answers… got answers why everyone admired Subaru Natsuki, why was he loved by all these people, he finally got some type of closure. Emilia finally made him understand something, he was still… himself, amnesia or not, he was still Subaru Natsuki.

“My name is Emilia… just Emilia… and what is your name?”

“My name is… Subaru Natsuki.”

But before he could fully ponder it over, that’s suddenly when the floor beneath Emilia got destroyed, she was falling.

Subaru promptly jumped after her, reaching out to her, to grab her hand as if it was gonna make any difference, they both were gonna die eitherway, but to him… it meant a lot, he hugged Emilia as they both were falling to their certain death.

“-finitely gonna save…”

I’m definitely gonna save you..

Subaru Natsuki died having found a new sense of purpose.

• …

At this point on her long journey through pain, she began feeling numb to what she saw, at least… to the painful part, now she was just confused.

He killed… Meili? Was this revenge? Did he figure out she was the one killing him? No… he desperately tried to bring her back to life after, this wasn’t… Subaru, this was someone else, someone possessing him. She’d certainly find out in the upcoming loops.

But then when her mind wandered to… the last scene she saw before death, her mind seemingly ignored everyone dying in the tower by this point, she expected it as cruel as it was as she herself realized in the moment, it was nothing surprising, maybe she should’ve felt pain, but she knew if she kept lamenting over every single death in this tower, she’d be here till the morning and she certainly didn’t want that.

Anyway Emilia suddenly felt… proud of herself? It was a weird feeling, she felt like she was taking credit for something she didn’t do, but she has… she definitely has… it exists somewhere in the depths of Subaru’s mind, she was sure he appreciated it a lot, so despite everything bad that happened in this loop, Emilia just smiled, it was a weak smile, but a smile nonetheless her mental state couldn’t afford any more pain in the moment so she blocked it out.

It was time for the next volume.

• …

Emilia was relieved that the following events were finally ones she recognized, Subaru speaking with Meili and then him offering to read Reid’s book, that’s when something surprised her… Subaru didn’t read Reid’s memories, he was transported to somewhere that was apparently called the hall of memories as the figure in front of Subaru explained who introduced herself as the third sin archbishop of gluttony.

Subaru had a long talk with her where she manipulated him into thinking the other Subaru was completely different from him as Louis revealed she was the one who ate his memories, she also revealed there was a part of him inside her, which explained a lot. This was certainly a ploy to trick Subaru into splitting himself from the past Subaru so that the archbishop could eat his memories again, because… unless Subaru considered  himself different from the past Subaru, the archbishop couldn’t devour his memories. Unfortunately her knight seemed to fall for this, at least at first as he began choking Louis to death, but before he was able to, a voice snapped him back to reality.

They were visualized as a blue haired maid who told him to stand up, eventually she prevailed and Subaru stood up.

Louis Arneb’s plan failed as Subaru woke up.

Now this might have seemed like a victory, but unfortunately there were more important things on the agenda right now. The tower was attacked by a group of mabeasts, two sin archbishops of gluttony and a scorpion?

Unfortunately after a long and hard fought battle, Subaru was killed by a scorpion who suddenly appeared in the room.

Subaru Natsuki died, marking the start of this hell loop.

• …

Gluttony? Hall of memories? Rem? It was a lot to rack your brain around, eventually Emilia realized what was the stake there.

Was Louis trying to devour his memories again? In a result like that, all of them would’ve certainly been doomed, Subaru would’ve been subjected to an andless barrage of torture, a hell he could never escape from, thankfully though… someone managed to free him from dooming himself, the memories of a blue haired maid. Emilia didn’t really understand how she got there, she was just glad she appeared to stop Subaru, she’d need to thank Rem for once again telling him to not give up, stand up and fight.

Though another thing bugged Emilia.

He didn’t regain his memories? She was almost convinced that for some reason, reading Reid’s book was what caused him to regain his lost memories, from her perspective it made sense… as it turned out… that might have not been the case.

These questions flew around Emilia’s brain as she grabbed the following book.

• …

In this one, she saw an alternate reality where Subaru was quick enough to make sure Emilia hadn’t have her name devoured by the archbishop, this as it turned out, didn’t change much, sure, they were able to hold off the archbishop long enough till the scorpion and later Reid Astrea appeared, but in the end Subaru’s fate once again ended in death, this time by dark miasma consuming him while being punched by Reid.

In the very next one, Subaru seemingly had a different plan for this loop, he never intended to succeed in this one, he seemed to use this one to ask… one singular question.

“Shaula… what is the fifth rule?” Previously, Shaula revealed there were fourth rules and only four, some people doubted her though, four seemed like an odd number, surely there was another one.

And there was a fifth one, unfortunately though Subaru couldn’t find it out in time to not sacrifice this loop just to find out that single piece of information. So… after being informed by her that the fifth rule was that it wasn’t forbidden to break the trials…

Subaru promptly jumped off the balcony, Shaula following suite.

Subaru Natsuki died just to find out one crucial piece of information.

• …

By that point, Emilia just immediately grabbed the next book full of tears, there was nothing left to say, nothing left to comment, she just wanted to get it over with.

Let’s say, it would still be a long way till she could celebrate Subaru’s victory at the Pleiades watchtower.

• …

Subaru Natsuki died, collecting crucial information needed for his success.

• …

Emilia grabbed the next book.

• …

Subaru Natsuki once again died, collecting crucial information needed to succeed.

• …

Next book.

• …

Her knight died, making sure no one suffered, but him.

• …

Death after death, book after book. Emilia saw again and again how Subaru tried different approaches, repeated attempts, new plans to explore new possibilities just find out new information. Every attempt saw a different end to his life, but one thing stayed the same, he prioritized their safety over his, even if he was technically the weakest combatant, he always made sure the pain resided on his skin instead of theirs.

Through repeated viewings of all of his pain and her own determination to see everything to the end as quickly as possible, Emilia saw Subaru’s heart try its hardest to not break just as much as her own. At one point she thought that her and him were both holding their hearts together making sure they don’t break.

Eventually… after countless read books, Emilia grabbed the one that would finally close off the Pleiades watchtower arc, she didn’t know how much this viewing would crush her heart in pieces yet also bandage it at the same time.

Emilia long stopped counting them in their head once she reached Subaru’s death gauntlet in the place she was standing in right now, but if she was counting… this would be the 46th book of Subaru Natsuki.

• …

Subaru was driven into the corner, no matter how many times he restarted, no matter how many times he approached the situation differently, he still felt like he was nowhere near the answer, his continuous deaths definititely didn’t help in figuring it out.

He was sure if the previous Subaru was here, he would’ve figured this out way sooner, but unfortunately right now there was only him, that’s what he thought when… he saw a dim light, a dim light at one of the shelves of the library, as if calling to him.

Was he going crazy? Maybe he was, but it didn’t hurt to try right? That’s when he read the title.

“Subaru Natsuki.”

And after a long internal debate within himself, he opened the book.

What followed was Subaru seeing everything his past self did, just like Emilia did. Everything Emilia saw today and suffered through, she had to go through all again.

All the pain, all the sad moments, all the happy moments, all the funny moments. All the moments where she broke down just thinking about them, she saw them again. It was bad enough that Emilia had to see all of it in quick succession once, but twice? Her poor half elf heart had enough, it shattered, it shattered while she was still viewing everything, her subconscious was certain she would break down and scream across the whole tower the moment she was freed from the book, unfortunately there was no one to pull her out or numb the pain she felt in this moment, she had to go through it alone… just like her knight Subaru Natsuki.

Eventually though, the torment ended, Subaru was freed from the grasps of his books as he was transported into the hall of memories again where he saw… himself? The near identical copy of him, gave him the motivational talk he desperately needed in that moment, he realized that the person in front of him, truly was him, they spoke the same, had the same mannerisms, if anything… only different pain diffrentiated them.

And when he finally realized that… Subaru Natsuki finally returned to his complete form, the amnesiac and the pre-amnesiac fused together.

After Subaru woke up, memories restored, Emilia finally saw events she knew and recognized, him helping her with the fight against gluttony, holding a strategy meeting with her, Ram and Beatrice. So eventually after a long fight, her knight prevailed, he finally could rest easy, knowing he succeeded.

Or at leas that’s what he thought as he sat in the green room, healing up alongside Rem, Ram and Patrasche. In front of him appeared Louis Arneb, someway somehow, as well as a black fog threatening to envelop everything in its path, immediately he grabbed both Rem and her out of instinct, the next thing he knew, his vision turned black.

Subaru was now laying on grass, no idea where he was. That’s when he realized something… Rem… has woken up, he waited for this moment for a whole year, he devised plans and a bunch of scenarios in his head for the occasion that she finally woke up.

“Rem, you’re finally awake!”

“Who are you?”

Of course it couldn’t have been that easy, so he resorted to plan B.

“My name is Subaru Natsuki and I’m your hero!” He introduced himself, full of excitement.

“Hero?” A hoarse voice replied.

Everything was going good, that was till… Subaru made a grave mistake. The archbishop also teleported with them to this place, Rem asked about her and since she was who she was, without second thought Subaru told her they can leave her. The blue haired maid didn’t like that.

She moved in to choke him. Subaru didn’t realize why, he just knew he made a miscalculation, before he could think more, he passed out.

He woke up to see… no Rem or Louis, but he saw steps leading into the forest, so he proceeded to head there to look for them while yelling for them. Not the smartest decision in hind sight.

Eventually he felt as if he saw someone moving in the bushes, but before he could analyze it further, he felt a sharp pain in his chest as he was flung backwards.

There was an arrow which pierced his chest and pinned him to the tree behind him, he started to frantically bleed out.

Subaru Natsuki once again died, wondering where he had gone wrong.

• …

Emilia, being filled with complete information overload as well as reliving all the pain she already experienced earlier, started to uncontrollably yell.

“AAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!!!” Her yelling lasted for a couple minutes, tears frantically falling down her cheeks as she tightly clutched her head and fell over on her side.

“AAAAAGHH!” She just… couldn’t stop screaming, the pain… it was all too much, her brain couldn’t compute, that was until… she felt someone’s presence enter the room.

“Miss Emilia.” A sharp voice rang out across the library. Because of Emilia’s deteriorated state it took her a moment to realize who it was.

Ram… She should’ve known someone would’ve heard her screaming and come eventually or perhaps she subconsciously knew, but she just had more important stuff to face in the moment. Eitherway, she had to face it now… without a plan.

She tightly squeezed her arm to force herself to focus, she tried getting up, but to no avail. Eventually she managed to stand up with the help of Ram.

“Why is miss up and crying in the library?” The pink haired oni skipped beating around the bush and asked directly what was on her mind, like she always does.

“Oh, uh… I… I couldn’t sleep, so I went on a walk, I wandered all the way up here and I… saw a scorpion and freaked out! Sorry for waking you up!” The half elf frantically explained, pulling out a half baked lie in the process.

Emilia received a disappointed, pitying expression in return.

“Miss Emilia…” She started. “Miss should herself known best how bad of a liar she is…” Ram harshly commented.

“Ahaha, is that so…?” Emilia asked, scratching her cheek. Ram proceeded to look off to the side, before continuing to speak.

“It’s Barusu isn’t?”

“H-Huh?” Emilia frantically replied in confusion.

Did… she know? But how, how? Was Ram watching her all this time and somehow found out? But why? If she was then why didn’t she intervene when Emilia was bawling her eyes out…

“Miss is still worried about Barusu, right? Worried he might not survive in a completely foreign place?” Ram clearly clarified, quickly pointing to exclusively referring to Subaru being teleported to a distant place.

But of course, why was she so stupid? Obviously that’s all Ram was referring to, that was the only logical conclusion she could’ve come to after seeing the half elf crying her eyes out on the ground. She didn’t know about what Emilia just went through, she didn’t know about Subaru’s unfortunate ability.

“I guess I really am easy to read… huh? Emilia anxiously stated. Usually, Ram would probably reply with a joke in a situation like that, but even she knew that this wasn’t the time, so instead the half elf continued speaking.

“I’m worried. I’m worried he will be in grave danger and we will be nowhere close to help him get out of it, why must have this happened to him? Why? Why?” Emilia vented as she felt tears welling up in her eyes again, she was tired of crying at this point, but she just couldn’t stop. Her worries were already directly presented in front of her, she saw Subaru die almost immiediately after getting teleported to this distant place, how could she not worry? Even if she now knew, this wouldn’t be the end of his life as he would just return to a previous checkpoint, it’d mean more pain, more suffering. Suffering she should’ve gotten instead.

“Miss Emilia…” She softly spoke, causing Emilia to wipe her tears and listen. “This is Barusu, if he has come this far and managed to pull through so much to end up where is now, then I strongly believe he won’t fail.” She finished explaining her thesis.

How could Emilia forget? Was she stupid? She was. She forgot about everything she learned in this library today. Subaru never gives up, he might momentarily, but never permanently, he won’t rest till he reaches a satisfactory outcome propelled by the love he developed for the ones he’s saving, even if they end up betraying them at times, his love never falters.

After a few seconds, Ram spoke up again. “I hope miss will be able to get herself some sleep.” She turned around and began walking back. That is till she suddenly stopped and began mumbling something to herself. “...and if he does fail and make my sister cry then…” She didn’t finish.

Emilia didn’t know what to do in that moment, but when she took a closer look at the maid she felt like she saw her slightly shaking, maybe she was imagining it, but once she saw that, she immediately ran up to her.

“Ram!” Emilia yelled out and hugged the standing maid from the back, wrapping her hands around her slim figure.

They both stayed there for a few seconds in silence until Ram broke the silence.

“Miss Emilia…” It sounded like Ram was about to ask Emilia to let go of her, but the half elf had different plans.

“Ram…” She wasn’t sure if Ram needed that hug, maybe Emilia needed it more herself, but it didn’t matter in that moment. “You’re worried about your sister… right?” The half elf softly asked.

“Miss Emilia…” Ram said again, as if lost, she definitely didn’t expect this despite knowing Emilia’s kind nature.

“It’s as you said though, is it not? Subaru came too far to give up and fail, he loves all of us too much.” Emilia cleared her throat. “He’s probably worrying about us more than we could ever, even if he knows he’s in way more danger. So… don’t worry… your dear little sister is in safe hands.” Emilia finished. At that the girl in her hands stopped shaking and the half elf let go of her.

Ram turned around, but Emilia just looked at her with a bright smile on her face.

“Sorry for intruding, miss Emilia. I’ll be on my way now, goodnight.” Ram bowed and walked away.

“Goodnight, Ram.” Emilia promptly replied the same.

There was certainly a lot the silver haired half elf learned that night, whether it was unconditional love or never giving up, it’d definitely take her some time to wrap her hand around it all, but there was one thing she was definitely certain of.

She was proud to call Subaru Natsuki her knight.