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Dear Mikey,
“You are my Sunshine” played on the radio yesterday. I was with Uncle Ethan, and it was raining. It’s been rainy weather since you’ve gone, which I know you would have hated. But I’m sorry to say that it’s given me some peace. You know I’ve always loved the rain.
Uncle E hasn’t cried yet. Dad hasn’t, but we all would have expected that. I think he does feel sad, though. He does love us.
I don’t know why I’m trying to defend him to you after your death.
Do you remember when Mom used to sing that to us? She’d always start coughing about halfway through, and you would start singing it for her so that there wouldn’t be any breaks. I used to get annoyed at you for doing that, because you would always sing off pitch and I wanted to hear Mom. I think she liked it, though; she always liked hearing you sing. She wanted you to join the church choir when I did, do you remember that? She said you’d look really cute in the little “priest robe” that the choir boys wear. It’s funny, because you said you didn’t want to because they looked like dresses, and then half a month later you put on my new blue dress for Easter Sunday and ripped the sleeve. You cried about it for the whole day. I remember being so mad at you, but I knew that Dad would be even madder if he found out, so I told Mom that I had done it. We didn’t have any money for a new one, but Mom stitched it up. At the time I was mortified, but looking back I don’t think anyone even noticed.
You were always my sunshine. You were everyone’s sunshine.
I remember one time I got in trouble for staying up late. Dad had me write Bible verses over. I still remember them; Colossians 3:20, Proverbs 29:15, and Deuteronomy 21:18-21. I remember that last one really made me feel bad; that was usually the one he’d have you write. He must have been really angry at me to make me write about how disobedient children get taken up to the gate of the city and stoned. Yes, yes, I know – excellent parenting on his part. But I was sad and afraid and feeling downright awful, and I was checking the Bible frantically to make sure I wasn’t making any mistakes. Then you came and took it out of my hand and turned to this random page and started reading it in that stupid, fake English accent that you always did. It was in 1 Kings, I think; about Solomon building the temple. And you kept interrupting yourself a commenting on stuff, like how Solomon was really fancy and must have been stuck up and if you were stuck with anyone that wise, you’d start throwing rocks at them. And we just sat for awhile and read the Bible and made fun of it until it was nearly time for Dad to come home. I think Uncle Ethan told us, and he told me I should hurry up and finish them probably.
You know, my worst fear was always that someone would die after I’d had an argument with them. I’m glad that didn’t happen. But I do wonder if I could have said anything that would have helped. I knew you weren’t feeling well, when I’d talked to you. You asked if I was doing anything and I told you that I was going out with my friends. It was Hannah and Leila. Hannah was there at the funeral; Leila broke her arm yesterday so she wasn’t there. We didn’t even do anything fun. Hannah and Leila gossiped the whole time, and then Leila’s sister came in and Leila yelled at her and it was, I don’t know. I thought about going home early and just playing a game with you or something. Then I got the call.
I don’t really remember much of what happened after that, to be honest. But I’m glad we weren’t arguing, even if I do feel guilty about it.
Your friends have been a real help during this time. I’ve cried on Uncle Ethan and Pastor Peter and everyone else, but also to Micah. He’s surprisingly good at comforting, he talked me through it because I broke down right in front of him. I can see why you loved him, and I’m sorry that he never loved you back. You two would have been good for each other.
Zeyn’s brought us a couple meals. Destiny’s been… well, she’s been distraught, but we’ve cried together. Demi has been distant from the entire thing. I think she’s supporting Destiny more, but she’s been kind to me. I have not at all felt alone in this.
Well, I suppose I have. I haven’t had you. I’ve lost a part of my soul to that rope, and it hurts. Mikey, it hurts, and I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t go
It’s been a week since I started this letter. Honestly I thought I’d lost it. Pepper found it, actually. She knocked one of my pencils into this drawer, and I had to open it more to find it. Don’t mind where the tears fell, I suppose they give the letter a sad movie look.
I found that sweater I’d been making for you, the gay man one. Dad wouldn’t have picked up on the flag, which was good because if I had made you a rainbow one he definitely would have. I was making a black and white one with a little rainbow stripe hidden in it, too, but I had to unravel that one. I was going to start on one that’s pink, purple, and blue.
I was going to tell you this week. I had a whole plan. There are a lot of things I had planned.
You know, I never did get you to play DnD with me, although I think you would have enjoyed it. I didn’t want to bother you too much about it, though; we always had separate lives and interests. My friends would have loved you, though; Hadley and you would have been making jokes the whole way through. She and her boyfriend always made characters to match, I wonder if you and I ever would have. Nicki always liked it – I told you about Nicki, our DM. She was the one I said was single that night you said you were gay. I remember we laughed about it so hard. Then you ended up dating a girl anyways – but Nicki would have clocked you right away. She always had an eye for that; she asked me if I was bisexual when we first met. But dad wouldn’t have liked you dating her, anyway. She already had tattoos at sixteen. A little ice dragon on the side of her hip, it was done by her uncle so it looks really professional.
The rain just cleared up. If you’d be sitting with me, you would have said “fucking finally” and grabbed your boots to go on a walk. I probably would have gone with you, if you’d asked.
Depression is such a funny thing. I wonder if I could have helped – I could have. But you would have told me that it wasn’t my fault and that I did all that I knew how to do, and that you loved me and crap now I’m crying again. Stop making me cry, you.
Uncle Ethan called me Hatter again, and it made me think of you. I was the Mad Hatter, and you were Rabbit, because you were always hopping around. I remember when you asked Uncle Ethan who he was, and he told you to pick, so you picked Alice and he laughed so hard he spit his coffee out. We talked about that yesterday, and Uncle E actually started laughing a bit. It’s the first time I saw him actually smile since it happened.
Then he started to cry, a little bit. Then I cried, and by the time we were done we’d used up the rest of the box of tissues.
I told him I was bi, and that I was planning on telling you this week. He told me he loved me just how I was and no matter who I ended up with, he would accept it, as long as it was a good man or woman.
I wonder if you would have actually had kids. You said you didn’t want to, but you were so good with them. I wouldn’t have minded either way. Either way, you would have been a great uncle. We would have called you “gay uncle Mikey” maybe. You would have spoiled them rotten, you know. I wonder if I will have twins, too. If I make it that far.
You never know what happens in life.
I love you, Michael. I always will, no matter where you are. My best friend, my sunshine, my soulmate.
Yours,
Maddison Collins 🦋