Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

When Shikamaru learns how hard it is to fall, it begins with a mission.

He is summoned to the Hokage’s office one afternoon. Asuma is away, so he is half-heartedly training with Ino and Chouji, really just passing time until he can knock off and play shoji.

“We got a sudden request for help from the Waterfall village. Most of the jonins are tied up, with this Akatsuki threat. Since you’re a chunin now, we want you to lead the mission.”

Shikamaru is not expecting this, having to lead a mission out of the village again. He has led a few D-rank missions, helping out around the village in the aftermath of the Sound attack.

“This was supposed to be given to Maito Gai, but he is away on a more urgent mission, so you’ll be going with his team.”

Even more troublesome. Gai’s team is older, a year ahead of him at the academy. He has only been a chunin for nine months, less than a year. Will they accept him as a leader? Especially since, for one reason and another, the chunin exams have had to be postponed and won’t be held until the following year. He knows the team must feel that they should have already been promoted.

And if he is being honest, although he knows he has excellent strategy skills, he certainly wouldn’t feel confident he could take either Rock Lee or Hyuuga Neji in a battle.

Mostly though, he remembers his last major mission. Neji had been on that one too. He still doesn’t like thinking about it.

***

When Shikamaru learned how hard it is to be a leader, it began with a mission.

It had been the worst day of his life.

Almost five hours had passed, waiting at the hospital as, one by one, his injured teammates were brought in. Kiba and Akamaru, gravely injured but expected to live. Naruto, unconscious, but expected to live. Chouji and Neji, critical.

Shikamaru, a broken finger. And the terrible certainty that he was not fit to be a shinobi, let alone a leader.

His father had called him a coward. Temari had called him overly sensitive.

He was standing alone in the middle of the hallway when the hokage herself had come out of one of the operating rooms, exhausted but triumphant, to report that they had been able to stop the destruction of Chouji’s cells. She thanked them for the Nara medicines that had been invaluable in the effort: the special formulas his clan had developed using deer antlers.

From the other end of the hall, Shizune emerged, her hair damp with sweat. “Good news,” she announced. “Hyuuga Neji has stabilized!"

A wave of relief coursed through Shikamaru so strongly he thought he might fall to his knees. They would live.

“The mission failed,” the hokage said. “But everyone survived, that’s the most important thing.”

He felt the tears running down his face. He was shaking.

A medic nin came out of the room where Neji was being treated, a chart in her hand. "Are this child's parents here?"

Shikamaru was startled. He had never thought of Neji as a child. Partly that was because Neji was a year older than him, and he did not think of himself as a child, either. But also because Neji had always seemed older than his years.

Shizune said something quietly to her, probably explaining that Neji's parents were dead. Shikamaru wasn't really paying attention, because behind Shizune, two medic-nins were wheeling Neji out on a gurney.

He would never forget that first glimpse of Neji, the shock of it. Neji was unconscious, lying very still and so pale his skin looked almost blue. His long hair had been cut off, and the short ragged tendrils around his face gave him a waifish look. His forehead protector and his shirt were gone too, and his chest and left arm were heavily bandaged. Two IV lines were taped into place on his other arm. There was blood on the bandages, blood on the sheets, dried blood on the fingers of his right hand.

"...so much blood..." Shikamaru hadn't realized he was speaking aloud until Shizune answered.

"We'll get him cleaned up once he's in the room. The important thing was to make sure he was out of danger."

It didn't even look like Neji. Neji was strong, proud, intimidating, an invincible fighter. He shouldn't look like this...so small, so young, so...lifeless.

"...uhhh..." Neji gave a very soft moan. His fingers curled slightly, as if trying to grasp something.

Shizune gave a curt nod to the two medics pushing the gurney. "Let's get him into the room."

Shikamaru watched them wheel Neji away, conscious of his father and Temari watching him.

Neji...I'm sorry...

***

He had always believed in knowledge, in collecting all the information you could in order to understand something. In the days that followed, he undertook to do just that with the failed mission. He talked to all of them: Kiba, Naruto, Lee, Kakashi, the Sand siblings, even the medic-nins who had gone to the scene to collect the wounded. As the mission leader, he had access to the official report, and he pored over pages of statements and diagrams. Chouji and Neji were still heavily sedated most of the time, but he read the accounts of how they had been found. He was still amazed that they had been able to defeat their opponents. But at such a heavy price.

It weighed on him, and there was no one he could really talk to about it. Chouji was unconscious, Naruto had his own grief at not being able to bring Sasuke back, and Asuma was away on a mission. Ino had not been there, had no experience with anything like this -- and besides, it was near-impossible to get a word in edgewise with her. His father had made it clear he did not want to hear weakness, only a resolve that it would be different next time.

And then there was Temari. Bewitchingly beautiful, scarily strong. Three years older than he was and infinitely more experienced...in everything. She was still in Konoha, had stayed for a while following the mission, but with all that was going on, their paths hadn’t crossed since then.

He visited the hospital each day, checking in on all the members of his team. Kiba’s hospital room smelled of dog, but no one would tell the Inuzuka clan they couldn’t have dogs in the hospital. Sakura was in Naruto’s room, bitterly disappointed they hadn’t brought Sasuke back, but trying to put a good face on it, to the point where Shikamaru wanted to punch her. Ino was with Chouji's family, keeping time on the benches outside Chouji's room, as Chouji was still unconscious, as was Neji. Shikamaru would make his rounds, and then join them.

The third day when he arrived there was a commotion in the ward. Alarm pricked the skin of his arms; he flashed back to the day when he and Naruto had visited Lee and found Gaara of the Sand trying to kill him. Was something like that happening again?

He spotted Ino heading down the hall and flagged her down. “What’s going on?”

Ino rolled her eyes. "Neji's throwing a huge fit. Leave it to him to give everyone a hard time."

Shikamaru glanced at her in some surprise. Leave it to Neji? Naruto maybe, Kiba, definitely -- but Neji? The Hyuuga prodigy had been semi-conscious most of the time. True, he had come across as angry and arrogant during the first parts of the Chuunin exams. But on their mission together, he had struck Shikamaru as generally being quiet and levelheaded. "You just don't like him," he said.

"Well, you saw what he did to Hinata!" Ino said.

Not to mention the way he rejected you in the Forest of Death. During the Chuunin exams, their team had faced off against Neji for possession of a required scroll. Ino had tried to use her 'feminine wiles' on Neji, and he had brusquely told her to get lost.

Ino pulled his arm. "Come on…let's go see what's going on." Shikamaru would have preferred to keep out of it, but she dragged him down the hall to the doorway of Neji's room. Inside, several medic-nins surrounded Neji’s bed, a couple talking in loud, authoritative tones and others fussing about and pleading anxiously.

Shikamaru peered over Ino's shoulder. It was the first time he'd seen Neji awake since they'd returned. Despite himself, he was shocked at the sight. Neji looked like a cornered animal, his eyes wild, his hair mussed. He was hunched over stiffly, breathing hard and in obvious pain. One hand was pressed to his chest, fingers clawing at the edge of the bandages.

The gist of it, from what Shikamaru could gather, was that Neji was refusing to take his medication. One particularly solicitous med-nin got a little too close, trying to push Neji's hand away from the bandages.

"Don't touch me," Neji snarled, and Shikamaru saw the whole group stiffen, looking alarmed.

In two seconds he's going to go ballistic and Gentle Fist them all, Shikamaru thought. He took a couple of steps into the room. "Neji."

Neji's head snapped up, finding him through the wall of people. "Shikamaru." The relief was evident in his voice. He glared at the med-nins surrounding him. "Everyone, please leave my room. I want to talk to Shikamaru."

There was a chorus of protests.

"I'm not leaving until --"

"You need to take --"

Shikamaru raised a hand, trying to muster all the authority his newly acquired chuunin status would allow. "Look, can you just back off...give him some space for a minute."

The tallest one, who seemed to be in charge, addressed Shikamaru. "It's imperative that he takes the medicine and rests. It's not good for him to get all worked up like this."

And whose fault is that? Aloud he said, "Okay. I'll talk with him."

Whether that did the trick, or they just didn't want to deal with Neji any more, he wasn't sure, but a few seconds later they exited the room. Neji shot a pointed look at Ino, who was still standing by the door, gawking. Shikamaru gave an irritated jerk of his head and, with a miffed look, she too left, leaving them alone.

Shikamaru approached the bed. The backpack over his arm was getting heavy and he lowered it to the floor. He said nothing, giving Neji time to collect himself.

A spasm of pain crossed Neji's face, and he closed his eyes momentarily. "Shikamaru, tell me the truth, please."

"Sure, if I can."

With a sigh, Neji moved back against the pillows, staring up at Shikamaru with a fierce, troubled frown. "What's happening to me?"

Doesn't he remember? "You were injured in the mission...you almost died." Unbidden, the image rose in his mind of Neji just out of the operating room, covered in blood. He shook his head to clear it.

"I know that, they told me -- I just --" Neji's dark brows drew together. "I feel so – I can't breathe, and –" He still had one hand pressed to the wound on his chest; the other gripped the side of the bed so hard the skin had turned whiter than usual.

Shikamaru felt his throat tighten in sympathy. He kept his voice calm and level. "Well, that's why you have to take the medication."

Neji gave a hiss of frustration. "When I take it, I feel so weak, like I can hardly move."

"That's the point. So you rest and heal."

"Shikamaru." Neji's tone and eyes were commanding, but his voice trembled slightly on the next words. "Are they telling me the truth? Will I recover from this?"

Shikamaru was speechless for a moment. "Yes," he brought out finally, "of course they are. Of course you'll recover."

"I've just never -- this feels like hell."

"You've never been injured this badly. You're lucky to be aliv --"

"I can't do anything! I don't have any chakra -- I can't use the Byakugan."

"Why would you need the Byakugan in a hospital room?"

A faint flush appeared on Neji's cheekbones, and he looked down. "I need to find my hitae-ate."

For the first time Shikamaru noticed that he was not wearing the headband. The hair falling over Neji's face had obscured his forehead, but now Shikamaru could see that his head was bare and the curse seal was exposed. An involuntary shiver went through him.

Neji noticed; Shikamaru saw him flinch and mentally smacked himself for not being more discreet. "They won't tell me where it is," the Hyuuga went on. "One of the medics said I wasn't wearing it when they brought me in, but it's not with my things." Fury flared in his eyes. "I refuse to --"

"Okay, okay." Shikamaru held up a placating hand. "I'll track it down." Scanning the room, he saw nothing except a bathrobe draped across the back of a chair, and a pair of sandals on a low shelf. He supposed they had had to cut Neji's clothes off, and they would have been soaked with blood at any rate. But even if the headband had had to be removed, or been knocked off in the battle, wouldn't they have retrieved it for him?

"Hospitals are so troublesome," he muttered. He spotted a roll of gauze bandage on a shelf above the sink; it would have to do in the meantime. "Here." He fetched it and handed it to Neji.

Neji nodded his thanks. His hands trembled slightly as he unrolled it. He started to lift his arms to tie it into place, then gave a sharp hiss of pain, going white and pressing his left arm to his side.

Quickly, Shikamaru stepped over to him. "Here, I'll do that..." Rather clumsily, he began wrapping the bandage around Neji's forehead, trying not to get Neji’s hair caught in it.

"Okay." He stepped back. "That looks --"

-- like a team of drunken monkeys did it --

"-- fine." He just hoped Neji wouldn't go near a mirror anytime soon. Stepping back, he leaned against the bed. "Listen, Neji. The hokage filled me in. What's happening is this. You had a huge hole in your chest when they brought you in. You almost died...you were five hours in surgery. They used your hair to patch you up, to regrow the cells. But you still have a lot of healing to do, and I won't lie, it's gonna hurt...probably a lot. That's why you have no chakra right now, because your body's using it all to heal. And that's why you have to take your medicine, because otherwise all you'll use all your chakra fighting the pain, and it'll take that much longer to get better."

Neji nodded. He seemed to have calmed down quite a bit. A cup of water and two small pills on a tray sat on his bedside table. Shikamaru picked them up, hoping Neji would be more amenable now.

“Neji.”

Hyuuga Hiashi stood in the doorway, looking like a thunderclap. Or maybe that was how he always looked; Shikamaru wasn’t sure. He found the whole Hyuuga clan rather intimidating.

Neji regarded his uncle in silence.

“I heard there was some trouble? That you were refusing to take your medication? I don’t consider that –"

Shikamaru pushed the cup of water into Neji's hand. "Take your pills." At the very least, the pills might make him sleepy, which had to be preferable to listening to Hiashi's lecture.

Hiashi regarded him coldly. “You were the team leader?”

“Um, yes.” A new wave of guilt made Shikamaru flush.

On the bed, Neji stiffened, sitting up a little. “Yes,” he said sharply to his uncle. “He was our team leader.”

“I would like to understand –”

"E-excuse me...Neji-nii-san...you're awake..."

Shikamaru and Hiashi both turned. Hyuuga Hinata was standing just inside the doorway, her cheeks pink, clutching a small package in her hand. A tiny, hesitant smile quivered on her lips, which died at the sight of her father's impatient glare.

"Hinata. Where have you been?"

Hinata turned tomato red, giving Shikamaru a very good idea of where she'd been -- and who she'd been visiting. Naruto's room was just down the hall. It was a good bet, though, that visiting Naruto would not be high on her father's list of approved activities. He wondered what it was Hiashi had been about to say; what he didn’t understand. Why Shikamaru, a completely inexperienced chunin, had been made a team leader? Why he had left Neji to deal with a member of the Sound team on his own? Why they were chasing after Sasuke in the first place?

Why Neji, despite the fact that Shikamaru had not only failed the mission, but almost gotten him killed, was seemingly defending Shikamaru?

A tense moment of silence followed, broken by a very soft sound of discomfort from Neji as he shifted on the bed, turning toward Hinata. Shikamaru noticed that the resentment he usually displayed was absent now, as he only gazed at her with a quizzical look on his face.

Seemingly emboldened by this, Hinata crept toward the bed. "Are -- are you feeling better?”

Neji looked like he might pass out at any moment, but he answered politely, "Yes, thank you, Hinata-sama."

Hinata fumbled with her package. Shikamaru stepped aside to allow her to get closer to Neji. "I b-brought your hitae-ate. It -- it was -- I-I took it home to clean it --" She held it out to him. Shikamaru could see that it had been carefully washed, ironed and polished.

Neji sat for a moment with his head bowed, touching it. Finally he said, very quietly, "Thank you."

"Certainly it will be an improvement." Hiashi spoke up. "That is the most incompetently tied bandage I have ever seen."

Shikamaru thought that was a good time to make his exit.

***

Chouji was awake, sitting up in bed, to Shikamaru’s great relief, when he and Ino visited the next day. He still looked very thin and weak, but he seemed to be trying to rectify that by eating the many dishes of food his family had brought.

“Pace yourself,” Ino scolded him, laughing.

“Hey, I didn’t eat for four days!” Chouji protested.

“Good to see you feeling better,” Shikamaru said.

“I gotta thank you, Shikamaru, I heard you saved me.”

“Me?” No, I was the one who put you here in the first place.

“He means your family’s antlers,” Ino said. “Your mom and Tsunade-sama made a potion.”

“Yeah,” Chouji said, “I thought I was done for after I took that guy out!” Shikamaru could hardly look at him because of the guilt, but Chouji sounded more proud than upset.

“Hello, Akimichi-san, are you feeling a little better today?” A pretty, birdlike nurse bustled in and took hold of Chouji’s wrist to check his pulse.

Chouji gave her a weak grin. “I am now that you’re here.” Ino shot Shikamaru a look, her eyebrows going up.

“Well, everything looks fine,” the nurse said, looking at the various machines and making notes. “Keep up the good work.”

“I will,” Chouji assured her, as solemnly as if he were swearing to guard the hokage. Ino stifled a giggle, which turned into an un-ladylike snort.

“What? She’s nice! She brings me extra dango.”

He stayed in Chouji’s room, he and Ino filling Chouji in on what had been going on in the village, until Chouji’s eyes began to close.

“Get some rest, buddy,” Shikamaru said, getting to his feet. “I’m going to go see Naruto and Neji.” Kiba had been released earlier that day.

“Tenten’s there with Neji,” Ino said, giving him a meaningful look.

“Okay…?”

“She’s kind of dressed up. If you know what I’m saying.”

Shikamaru had no clue what she was saying.

“I think she likes Neji.” Ino spelled it out.

“Uh-huh.” Shikamaru couldn’t see why this should concern him, but it was better not to argue with Ino.

In Neji’s room, Tenten was standing by the window, idly twirling a kunai on her finger. Was she more dressed up than usual? Shikamaru couldn't tell -- but then, as Ino had told him many times, he never noticed those kinds of things.

Neji was asleep, curled on his side. It looked like it had been a restless sleep; his hair was mussed and the blankets had slipped down, exposing the parts of his bare back and shoulder not covered by bandages. Shikamaru had a strange urge to go to him, pull the covers up and brush the hair back off his face. But he supposed that was Tenten's prerogative, if there really was something going on between them. Still, she hadn't gone near Neji, or touched him in any way. Maybe she was waiting for Shikamaru to leave.

"I can come back another time," he offered.

"Come on in," Tenten said, keeping her voice low so they wouldn't disturb Neji. "We can keep each other company."

"He'll probably wake up soon."

Tenten shrugged, giving him a wry grin. "Eh, he wouldn't be much more talkative even if he was awake."

Neji sighed in his sleep, the fingers of one hand twitching. They stood and stared at him awhile.

"I still can't get used to him like this," Tenten whispered. "He never gets hurt...and with his hair all cut off..."

Shikamaru nodded, although the truth was that he had somewhat gotten used to Neji like this. In fact, he reflected, he had known three very different Nejis: the angry, arrogant kid at the Chuunin exams; the cool, smart, quick-thinking member of his team on the mission; and this more vulnerable and pensive hospital patient.

“Neji, my friend! How are you feeling today?” a cheerful voice exclaimed from the doorway, startling Shikamaru. Tenten turned, smiling, with a finger to her lips as Lee bounded into the room.

“He’s still out.”

“Oh! Sorry!” Lee said, dropping his voice to a loud whisper.

“How did your checkup go?” Tenten asked.

Lee gave her a thumbs up. He went to Neji’s bed and pulled the blankets up around him, then gave Neji’s shoulder a squeeze. “You rest, Neji.” He looked up at Tenten. “Do you want to get some lunch?”

“I’d love to,” Tenten said, her eyes brightening. “Oh, um, Shikamaru, do you want to join us?”

“No thanks, I’m going to go back and hang out by Chouji’s room.”

Was it his imagination, or did they look somewhat pleased at his refusal? Was Ino barking up the wrong tree, and it was Lee Tenten had dressed up – if she even had – to impress?

Or did they blame him for what had happened to Neji?

On the bed, Neji stirred restlessly and gave a small groan. The hair around his face was damp with sweat. He burrowed his face blindly into the pillow, rubbing his forehead with the curse seal roughly against it, as if it was hurting him, and clutching the side of the bed so hard his knuckles looked white. Shikamaru felt chilled. He wondered if Neji had ever experienced the pain of the curse seal, or just feared it.

Shikamaru put a hand on his wrist, shaking him gently. "Neji...you're...wake up."

Instantly, Neji gripped his hand, squeezing convulsively. Ignoring his first, startled impulse to pull away, Shikamaru bent closer to the bed.

"Hey...you were dreaming...about the mission, maybe?”

"...the mission...?" Neji said in a hoarse whisper. He didn't seem to notice that he was still clutching Shikamaru's hand. "Lots of...spiders..." he mumbled.

"Spiders?" Oh yes, the medics had reported finding dozens of dead spiders, including one grotesquely gigantic one, in the clearing near where Neji had fallen. Shikamaru shuddered involuntarily. "There's no spiders here...you're safe now."

Neji's eyes remained closed. He seemed to be drifting back to sleep. Shikamaru started to remove his hand and Neji opened his eyes, blinking at Shikamaru in a confused way.

“Hey…how’re you feeling?”

Neji sat up a little, grunting with the effort. “Okay.”

“Can I get you anything?” Shikamaru offered.

“No, thank you.”

“Tenten and Lee were here earlier,” Shikamaru told him.

Neji nodded slowly. “How is Lee doing?”

“Looking much better. He’s off the crutches.”

“Before the Chunin exams,” Neji said in a low voice, “we were so sure of ourselves. We had a plan – we were all going to pass, start going on higher ranked missions…”

Asuma had had that plan for Shikamaru’s team; maybe Ino had too. Shikamaru had only wanted to get through the whole thing.

“Look at us…” Neji said. He made a movement as if he were going to cross his arms, but winced with pain, and settled for gripping a handful of the blanket. “Lee ended up nearly crippled; Tenten was out in the first round, and I can hardly walk across the room.”

“Neji…you killed one of the Sound four, by yourself. That’s pretty badass.”

“I didn’t – he almost got me. He figured out where my blind spot was and kept attacking me there.”

That must be what the smaller bandages on his back were. “I didn’t know the Byakugan had a blind spot,” Shikamaru said in surprise.

Neji nodded. “My uncle said there are ways to overcome it. He’s going to help me train once I get out of here." He sighed impatiently, leaning back against the pillows.

They were interrupted by a medic coming in. “Sorry to interrupt, I need to take the patient’s blood pressure and vital signs.”

Shikamaru moved out of the way, as Ino poked her head in the door. “There you are, Shika. Want to get some lunch?”

He waved to Neji and followed her out. As they rounded the corner she grabbed his arm. “Ooh, he’s hot!”

“Neji?” Shikamaru said absently. “Yeah, I guess he is.”

“Umm…no, not Neji,” Ino said, looking at him strangely. “The medic guy.”

Shikamaru felt himself flushing. To cover it up, he laughed. “Not only Chouji who likes the medics, eh?”

“Shut up, Shikamaru. I saw you with that Sand girl.”

Shikamaru found something very interesting to stare at in the distance.

***

The next day, all able-bodied genin were kept busy rebuilding parts of Konoha that had been destroyed in the attack. It was dirty, grueling work, the kind of thing Shikamaru would ordinarily have hated. But that day he found some solace in the sheer physical labor, the tasks that had clear parameters and didn’t involve risking anyone’s life.

They were finished in late afternoon, and headed home to have a bath and change before going to the hospital. Ino took her sweet time, most likely primping for the nameless medic she had taken an interest in, Shikamaru thought.

At the hospital, they found that Naruto had been discharged that morning. Shikamaru hung out with his teammates in Chouji’s room for awhile, before heading over to see Neji.

Neji was sitting up in bed, staring out the window looking grim.

"Can I get you anything?" Shikamaru asked as usual, expecting Neji to say no as usual.

That day, however, he said, "Can you get me some pineapple juice, please?" His voice was cool and a little imperious, the tone of one used to having servants.

Shikamaru's family did not have servants. Perhaps if they did, he'd be used to ordering people around that way. And perhaps if Neji were not in the hospital bed, he would have grumbled that it was too troublesome and told Neji to get it himself.

But because Neji was in the hospital bed and so couldn't get it himself; because he looked the way he did, and because Shikamaru had the feeling that it wasn't easy for him to ask for anything, even this -- because of all that Shikamaru only nodded and said, "Pineapple juice, sure."

Of course there could not be any pineapple juice in the vending machines. That would be too simple. He knew there was a juice stand near the center of town, however. It was almost a mile away, but he didn't really mind. The sky was full of clouds; a nice day for walking.

It took him over half an hour. Neji was staring out the window when he returned. He turned his head with an irritated glare when Shikamaru walked into the room.

"That took you a while. I thought you'd left."

"They didn't have any pineapple juice here," Shikamaru said. "I had to go to the juice stand in town."

"That's --" Neji frowned. "You walked more than a mile? Why?"

Because I'm partly responsible for you being in that bed. Because you never ask for anything and so I wanted to get you something. Because I knew the pineapple juice there is fresh.

Aloud, he said, "It's my exercise for the day."

“Thought you were rebuilding Konoha?”

Shikamaru just shrugged. Although he wouldn’t say it, he enjoyed doing these things, like bringing snacks to Chouji or taking Naruto out for ramen. He liked seeing the happy gusto with which Chouji attacked a bag of chips, or the blissful way Naruto slurped down the ramen noodles.

Of course Neji did none of that. He only thanked Shikamaru politely as he took the pineapple juice. But Shikamaru noticed that he closed his eyes as he took a long sip, and some of the tension went out of his shoulders. Seeing that was as gratifying to Shikamaru as the adoring grins he got from Chouji, or the bone-crushing hugs and loud yells of, "Wow, Shika, you're the greatest!" from Naruto.

Neji gazed out the window, slowly sipping the pineapple juice. He almost seemed to have forgotten Shikamaru was there. Shikamaru strolled around the bed to where there was a chair with a couple of books sitting on it. He lifted the books and sat down, leaning back so he could look up at the clouds through the window.

“Hey, do you play shogi?”

“Well, I know how,” Neji said, in a tone that implied that of course he could play shogi, but he might find it a waste of time.

“Next time maybe I’ll bring my board.” As Neji continued to look disinterested, he added, “I’m pretty good, you know. But don’t worry, I know you’re not feeling great so I’ll go easy on you.”

Neji’s gaze sharpened and he stared at Shikamaru.

“Fine, bring your board.”

Another silence ensued. Shikamaru knew he could leave. He had brought what Neji asked. But it didn’t seem right, and for some reason, he didn’t really want to. He turned the books to see the spines; they were about Buddhist philosophy and practice. Well, in the absence of a shoji board, they would have to do.

“These are your books?”

Neji raised an eyebrow fractionally. “I know how to read as well.”

“Yeah, I know you did pretty well in school…I just figured you’d prefer…romances or something.”

Neji stared at him again, his eyes narrowing. Shikamaru opened the book and began skimming through it.

“They are mine. Hinata brought them to me. And I was the top student in my –“ He broke off as Shikamaru burst into laughter. “Very funny.”

Shikamaru returned to the book. “’All existence is suffering.’ Wow, that should cheer you up as you lay in your hospital bed.”

“It’s true.”

“’All existence is suffering?’”

Neji gave a little exasperated frown. “It doesn’t mean that everyone is suffering all the time. It means that we all at some point in our life will experience suffering. There is no existence without suffering.”

“It’s just the human condition, you mean?”

“Not only human. All living things – horses, dogs, pigs…even ants and fleas. All life is connected and our suffering, or our life, is not greater or more important than theirs.”

“Okay, yeah, I get that that’s the philosophy,” Shikamaru said, “but do you really believe that? I killed two fleas off my cat this morning without thinking twice. If you had died on this mission, the whole village would have mourned.”

Neji raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“Well, a lot of people, certainly. No, really – do you honestly believe that your life is not more important than a flea’s?”

Neji leaned back against the pillows. “No,” he admitted. “I have too much ego.”

“Indeed.”

***

"Your move."

Shikamaru pulled himself out of a daydream. Scanning the shoji board, he idly slid a piece into place – and instantly regretted it. Crap. He'd opened up a loophole for Neji to take advantage of, and possibly win. All he could do now was play it cool and hope that Neji didn't spot it.

"You made the wrong move."

Shikamaru glanced up. The Hyuuga prodigy was gazing at him intently, the pale, brilliant eyes scanning him like lasers. Shikamaru tried to maintain his bored expression, though inwardly he was taken aback. This time he’d brought his shoji board, thinking he’d go easy on Neji. But was the Hyuuga so good at the game that he could spot a flaw in Shikamaru's strategy as soon as it happened?

"You wanted to take that back," Neji said. "As soon as you made that move, you realized it was a mistake."

"Not at all," Shikamaru said, trying to bluff. "That's where I was planning to move all along."

Neji wasn't fooled. "Just after you moved the piece, you flinched and tipped your head back for a second, and you made a small motion with your hand, as if you wished to grab it back. Instead of sitting back, you stayed close to the board, as if you were guarding it, and you kept your eyes down." He smiled slightly. "You didn't want me to see your face."

Impressed, and somewhat unnerved, Shikamaru realized that Neji had not even looked at the board. He had been watching Shikamaru like a hawk instead, reading his body language unerringly.

"You've left yourself vulnerable," Neji went on. "There's an opening now for me to gain the advantage."

"But you still have to figure out how," Shikamaru pointed out. "You haven't looked at the board at all."

"I will figure it out," Neji said confidently.

Shikamaru watched him as he sat with his head bent, his chin resting on one hand, the fine dark brows drawn together in a frown of concentration as he studied the board. He looked almost...cute, not an adjective normally associated with Hyuuga Neji. Maybe it was the shorter hair, the thick, chopped-off locks that fell haphazardly around his face. Every now and then Neji would lift his hand to brush it back out of his eyes. Shikamaru found himself smiling at the sight.

“You set a trap,” Neji said, frowning, scanning the board intently.

“No,” Shikamaru said honestly.

“So what are you looking so pleased about? You are going to lose.”

“I play for enjoyment, to challenge myself. If you have a good opponent, it’s really the game that matters, rather than who wins. You are an excellent opponent.”

A slight flush tinged Neji's pale cheeks as he moved his piece into place. Shikamaru also found himself feeling his face get warm. Neji might be adept at reading body language, but thankfully he hadn’t guessed why Shikamaru had really been smiling in that moment.

***

The next day was a long one. He had gotten up early to catch the Sand siblings, who were leaving, so he could walk them – well, really, Temari; he didn’t care much about her brothers – to the gate and say goodbye. He replayed that in his mind through the backbreaking, unending cleanup work he was kept busy with until very late in the afternoon. When the shift finally ended he was exhausted, and he needed to pack for another mission the next day that would be out of the village. The logical thing would have been to just go home. But instead, he found himself heading for the hospital.

When he got there he was waylaid outside Neji’s room by the medic Ino was so keen on.

“You’re visiting Hyuuga Neji? Could I have a word first?”

Shikamaru raised a questioning eyebrow, but stepped to the side to talk.

“We’re having a bit of a problem with him today. He’s refusing to eat anything.”

“Is he ill?”

“No...apparently it’s the anniversary of his father’s death. He wanted to go to visit the grave, but he’s not well enough yet to leave the hospital. So he’s –” the medic sighed, “—being uncooperative.”

Shikamaru gave a sigh of his own. “Well, why are you pushing him on such a day?”

“He’s not going to get better not eating.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll try.” Shaking his head in exasperation, he pushed open the door to Neji’s room. Neji was sitting up in bed, his fists and jaw clenched rigidly, staring out the window. He turned his head sharply when Shikamaru entered.

"Um, hi," Shikamaru said, a little unsettled by Neji's murderous expression.

Neji gave a small nod. "Have they sent you too to tell me I should be eating?" he demanded hoarsely.

"Yup," Shikamaru said, feeling it would be too troublesome to deny it. He walked over to the windowsill, where a large basket of fresh tangerines sat invitingly. "Here." He lifted a tangerine and lobbed it at Neji. Neji caught it reflexively, staring at him. Shikamaru shrugged. "Okay, I kept my word to the medics...I gave you food."

Neji sat clutching the tangerine stiffly. "Is this funny to you?"

"Funny? No. Rather ridiculous, yeah." As Neji's eyes flashed, he put up a placating hand. "On their part, not yours." Moving the basket of tangerines, he boosted himself up to sit on the windowsill. "You don't strike me as suicidal. And in any case you're not in imminent danger of starving. If you're old enough to fight and almost die for Konoha, you're certainly old enough to decide when you want to eat."

Neji gave a decisive nod.

“But, if you want to get out of the hospital sooner, it might be good to keep your strength up.”

Neji’s glare returned. “I feel like punching a hole in that window.”

“Yeah, don’t do that.” Shikamaru picked up one of Neji’s books. “Want to argue about Buddhist philosophy, get out some of that anger?”

“Amazing how you can argue about something you know next to nothing about.”

“Okay, yeah, so teach me.” Shikamaru opened the book and read a couple of lines aloud. “’Strive to be without attachments’ – what does that mean? Attachments to what?”

“Things. Places. People.”

Shikamaru thought about all the people he was close to. “Glad I’m not a Buddhist.”

"It’s true for shinobi also," Neji said. "No attachments. It's the best way to be."

"Ideally, maybe," Shikamaru objected, "but that's not realistic. Neji, this was written about someone who leads the religious life, sheltered away praying somewhere! Shinobi in the real world -- of course you have attachments, you have loyalties -- to your village, your clan, your teammates -- you marry and have children --"

"Those can be broken," Neji cut in. His voice sounded strained, and Shikamaru glanced at him curiously. Unlike their previous, purely philosophical discussions, this was clearly something Neji felt strongly about. "My father had no attachment to the clan. He hated the Main House."

"He had an attachment to you."

Neji's brows drew together, and he stared down at the tangerine in his hand. He seemed to be struggling with some thought. Shikamaru leaned back against the window and waited, watching him. Neji’s voice was low when he finally spoke. "During the Chuunin exams, after I fought Naruto, my uncle told me that -- my father wasn't killed by the clan. He chose to go in Hiashi's place, even knowing they would kill him. It was his decision."

"Oh. Well that's...better...right?"

"Yes," Neji said quietly. "In a lot of ways it is better. My uncle gave me a letter my father wrote, just before he -- " He was silent again, squeezing the tangerine. Shikamaru could smell the faint citrus scent. "It is better, yes. I don't hate the members of the Main House the way I did."

Or fear them, Shikamaru thought.

"They didn't force him to do it. They didn't kill him. He chose to do it, to protect the bloodline. Because -- because of the Curse Seal, when a member of the Branch House dies, all traces of the byakugan are erased, all the bloodline abilities. So in that way it's better, better for the clan, everything is secured." Neji gulped in a breath of air. "It was noble of him, it was admirable. My uncle said my father was a true hero to the clan. I believe that. I admire him more than anyone – but --"

"But --?"

Neji was silent. Shikamaru looked out the window. It was dusk, lights going on in the streets and houses, people hurrying home for dinner. His mother would be expecting him soon as well. He could hear a dog barking faintly outside. In the corridor there were the soft footsteps of a medic-nin walking by, and the low hum of some kind of machinery. In the room there was only silence, silence and Neji's struggle with whatever he was feeling.

"He left me."

The words came out in a quiet, aching rush. As if Neji had been waiting a long time to say them, and as if by saying them, he was making them real.

Shikamaru felt the words as a blow. “Neji…I’m sorry you were left on your own like that.” He took a deep breath. “And I’m sorry I left you on your own too.”

Neji looked at him distractedly. “What?”

“I left you, too. I’m sorry.”

Neji frowned. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“In the forest, fighting that Sound guy. I –”

“I was a four year old child when my father left! I’m a shinobi, a member of your team. I had a battle to fight. We all did. It’s not at all the same.”

“But…”

“But what?” Neji snapped, a definite edge to his tone.

“You almost died, Neji.”

“That happens in battle, Shikamaru. A battle I won, I might add.”

"Yeah, but you almost lost your life doing it. That's a hell of a tradeoff, Neji!"

They glared at each other. Shikamaru wasn’t sure why Neji was so angry; for that matter, he wasn’t sure why he was so angry himself.

“It wasn’t even your call,” Neji said sharply. “I was the one who said it would be necessary to split them up and fight them one on one. And we did it. We took them all out.”

“With the help of the Sand siblings,” Shikamaru muttered.

“Whatever. It was the right strategy. Nobody is doubting that but you.”

“I was the leader –”

“Is anyone else questioning it? I know Naruto isn’t. Are Chouji or Kiba?”

“No,” Shikamaru admitted. “Chouji’s proud of killing that big guy. And Kiba was just worried about Akamaru.”

“If you want to blame anyone, blame Sasuke for being a traitor to the village. It’s just disrespectful to compare this to what happened with my father.”

Shizune poked her head in. They hadn't raised their voices. Still, no doubt she had picked up on the strong tension in the room.

"Excuse me," she said, aiming a stern look Shikamaru's way, "the patient needs to rest and recuperate."

Shikamaru stood up, bowing his head slightly. "You’re right. I’m sorry." He looked at Neji as he said it.

Shizune nodded, looking preoccupied. "Actually, I'm glad I caught you, Shikamaru. Tsunade-sama wanted Asuma’s team to see her before you leave on your mission.” She turned her attention to the silent Hyuuga. "I need to change your bandages, so visiting hours are over." Neji winced slightly at her words, but nodded. She turned to go. "I'll get my supplies, and be with you in a few minutes."

There was an awkward silence after she left. Their eyes met briefly, then Neji turned away, gazing out the window. "You'd better go," he said, his tone cool and dismissive.

Shikamaru was unconcerned as he focused on a mildly intriguing spot on the floor, trying to find the words for what he wanted to say. Part of him wanted to just leave, take the convenient excuse Shizune had offered and not deal with any more emotion and drama. But he couldn't ignore the pain in Neji's voice when he said, He left me.

"Neji," he said. Neji turned toward him, frowning slightly. "I didn’t mean any disrespect. I respect you more than most people I know. And I can think of only one reason why your father would make that sacrifice. He had to protect the bloodline because he knew there would be a true Hyuuga prodigy. But not from the Main House. He knew you better than anyone, Neji, and he must have seen what you could become."

Neji looked away again, frowning down at the bed. He drew a couple of short, ragged breaths. "You should..." His voice was very low.

"Okay, yeah." He started toward the door, then on an impulse stepped closer to the bed and lifted the tangerine from Neji’s hand. Neji watched him as he broke the skin with his thumb and peeled it. The air was full of the fragrance of the fruit.

“Here.” He separated a segment and held it out. But instead of reaching out his hand to take it, Neji leaned forward. His soft lips brushed Shikamaru’s fingers. As if he had touched an electric current, Shikamaru felt his face get warm.

Shizune returned with her bag of medical supplies. Neji was chewing the tangerine segment, looking at Shikamaru. Shikamaru dropped the rest of the tangerine on the bed next to him.

“All right, Shikamaru, say goodnight,” Shizune said, shooing him out of the room.

"Good luck on your mission," Neji said.

***

Shikamaru finds himself thinking of the disastrous Sasuke Retrieval mission, and that strange moment between him and Neji in the hospital, as he waits in the office for Gai’s team. He’s seen them around in the intervening months from time to time, but it’s been a chaotic, busy time in the village, and they haven’t really interacted much.

They arrive right on time, Lee bursting through the door with a cheery grin, followed by his teammates. All of them look completely recovered from their injuries now; Neji and Lee look taller, and Neji’s hair has mostly grown back. Shikamaru greets them and explains the mission.

“We’ll be going to the Waterfall Village to pick up a valuable scroll. It’s a two-day journey, and we’ll be staying a night in the village as well. There’ll be a welcome banquet the day we arrive, and then we’ll bring the scroll back to Konoha. There’s an S-class criminal named Gin ōkami, Silverwolf, who wants to get his hands on that scroll, which is why they’re asking us to take it out of their village. They don’t have a big shinobi force. So going there should be fine, but coming back may be dangerous if we encounter him. Umm, any questions?”

“What kind of weapons does this Gin use?” Tenten asks.

“He summons wolves,” Shikamaru says, “that have the ability to drain chakra with their fangs.”

They nod gravely at this. Neji wants to know if they absolutely have to stay for the banquet, rather than just taking the scroll and heading back.

“Yeah, we have to. It’s a diplomatic mission as well. So we'll leave tomorrow at 8 a.m.”

His team looks shocked. Well, Lee and Tenten look shocked. The Hyuuga only frowns a bit. "Sunrise is at 5:46," he says. "Shouldn't we leave as early as possible?"

"Not necessarily," Shikamaru says. "I know time is of the essence, but it's too far a distance to cover in one day. We'll travel for eight, nine hours, then rest and get there the next day."

"Gai-sensei always says we should take advantage of every second of daylight!" Lee pipes up. "We are youthful and can easily travel for twelve or more hours!"

Shikamaru's own sensei, Asuma, is not quite so compulsive. But he's not about to get into a troublesome argument comparing them. "There's no point in exhausting ourselves. We don't know what we'll be facing yet. The return trip will no doubt be more dangerous, especially if we encounter anyone who wants to get their hands on what we're carrying."

It makes sense to him, but instead of agreeing, Lee and Tenten are looking at Neji, as if he should be the one to make the decision. The tall Hyuuga stands with his arms crossed.

"I still think we should leave as early as possible," he says. "We're shinobi. A day of travel shouldn't be a hardship." It's delivered in his usual cool tone, but is there a faint undercurrent of scorn in the words?

Shikamaru weighs the matter for a moment. On the one hand, it's not really such a big deal. Troublesome to have to get up at the crack of dawn, true, but he's not the type to throw his weight around just for the sake of being in charge.

On the other hand, it is important that the team look to him for leadership, not Gai or Neji. He remembers, all too well, Kiba and Naruto butting heads with him, going off half-cocked and questioning his strategy during the failed mission to retrieve Sasuke. It was a good thing he had Chouji to keep them in line then. But Chouji's not here now, and he doesn't want a repeat of that. He needs to know that in a crisis the team will listen to him.

"Okay," he says, with as much authority and finality as he can muster. "Seven o'clock. That will give you enough time to get ready."

"We are ready," Neji says. Shikamaru can't tell if it's an assurance or a challenge. Is Neji suggesting he wants to leave right now?

"Oh, come on, Neji," Tenten says with a grin, "you know it'll take you an hour just to comb your hair."

A flicker of emotion crosses Neji's face, and his eyes jump to Shikamaru's for an instant, before he fixes Tenten with a cold glare. She looks surprised, and Lee moves over, stepping between her and Neji.

"Seven it is!" he says briskly. "We'll see you tomorrow!"

As they leave the Hokage's office Shikamaru can hear Tenten saying, "Take it easy, Neji, I was just joking around."

"Hn," is all Neji says before striding off in the opposite direction.

Interesting, Shikamaru thinks, the dynamics of this team. Tenten and Lee defer to Neji, but it's Lee who really keeps things on track. And Tenten -- what was up with her comment about Neji's hair? Why did he look at me when she said it? It almost seemed like he was angry because she embarrassed him in front of me...but why would I care?

It might be good, or it might be troublesome, working with an established team like this. He looks up at the skies and says a silent prayer for the mission to go smoothly, with no drama, no injuries and no unexpected twists and turns.

Even as he does, he knows that’s probably unrealistic.