Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

She was always there on the other side of the room, but you never turned, never looked. 

That buzzing interest you could feel from those around, all for that one girl you never bothered to lay eyes on; It never flowered in your mind. 

All you knew of that girl, from the hushed compliments of your schoolmates and their admiring chatter, was the picture-perfect image of her dashing smile, and the captivating glow that others said could only be found in her eyes. You yourself had never seen it, but sometimes it was all you could hear from everyone in your school.

You were already in your last semester, but not once had you ever paid much attention to that spectacle of a girl. You had only ever glanced in her direction once, and the picture of her face had quickly faded from mind. You never looked her way again, but you couldn't deny you could always somehow feel her presence glow, even if you had never been anywhere near her. They said she lit up the atmosphere in ways no one could comprehend, and shone as if she were a hundred suns in the body of a person. You didn't think you would ever feel her light touching you for the entirety of this life.

Stacey Sevilleja.

That was her name. You could remember that much, from the din of students as they talked and laughed away. Talking about her, talking with her, admiring her.

But if anyone ever asked you what you thought of this person that the others deemed to be so radiant, you held only one answer.

"She's just another girl."

-

Everyone's faces were usually a blur. You felt like you were in a world separated from the people around you. Ever since you moved to this place, far from your friends and everything you knew, nothing seemed to give you any interest anymore. You were so far in, and you still hadn't bothered to even look at anyone or anything around. Your heart was still desperately in that place which you had departed from.

Being alone became the only constant. Your friends became busy with their own lives, until the conversations ran dry and the moments shared had grown scarce. Silence replaced your laughter, and you could barely remember the sound of your voice.

There were still those caring greetings from your parents, warm exchanges with every sparse encounter.

A quick "Good morning po." with a small smile, and an "Okay lang po." when they asked you how you were.

But everything came down to the same thing in the end.

It did not matter where you went, whether you were sitting in class, walking to school, doing your OJT, eating dinner with your parents or retreating to your room. There was no other shadow to be seen but your own.

The sounds of the world, from the chattering of the people around, to the sounds of the streets... even the calm of the city breeze and the music from your phone had all begun to bleed into each other until it turned into a sickening static.

You couldn't even hear the sound of your heart anymore. You couldn't see anything. You couldn't feel anything.

You had learned to drown everything out.

You were simply counting the days until you could make sense of everything, though you didn't know how. You were sure you would be by yourself until the very end. So accustomed to being by your lonesome, you couldn't even bring yourself to care now. Not a single thing could slip past the surface. You couldn't approach anyone, and no one ever approached you.

The world just moved on.

'May mangyayari pa ba sa akin...?'

'May magbabago pa ba habang nandito pa ako...?'

'Bakit sobrang hirap? Bakit hindi ko kayang lumapit sa kahit sino?'

'Bakit 'di ako makakibo?'

'Bakit ang hirap makalimot?'

You didn't know what would become of you, just floating aimlessly in blind, deafening uncertainty.

-

For the first time, you ended up getting to school much earlier than usual. It was quiet as you entered the classroom, greeted by nothing but empty tables and chairs. The silence was undeniably peaceful, a stark contrast to the active, bustling atmosphere that always bombarded your senses upon your arrival.

You sat at your desk and took off your glasses, closing your eyes to rest a bit before class started.

You took a deep breath, the suffocating feeling in your lungs suddenly fading away for once.

Feeling just a little bit lighter, you slid on your glasses and rested your chin on your hand, settling your eyes on the world outside, just as you always did.

The next few minutes of peace felt like an eternity, one you would gladly keep and hold dear for whatever remainder of your life you would have. You just felt like you didn't want anything else. As you heard the sound of the door sliding open, and the careful footsteps of someone walking in, you hadn't expected that the moment that followed, would be something you'd want to keep until the very end too.

You didn't make an effort to see who it was, merely sighing and turning away in disinterest.

But the quiet of the room was suddenly thinned by a sweet sound that unexpectedly stole your attention.

A gentle humming gracefully filled the air.

A jovial tune, one laced with honey and mirth, so carefree and sweet that you couldn't help but look to the source of the sound, intrigued.

It was a girl on the other side of the room who looked full of cheer as she hummed, focused on nothing but the song playing through her pink wired earphones.

You didn't notice you had been staring until the girl turned her gaze and met your eyes.

You blinked awkwardly and swallowed as you looked at each other. All of a sudden, you forgot what was happening and where you were. You didn't know how this girl would react, suddenly seeing some stranger gawking at her. 

You expected a look of confusion or unease, or simple indifference...

But you were met with a smile, one unlike anything you had ever seen in your life, along with the sight of a soft glimmer playing tantalizingly behind the girl's dark brown eyes.

It was only a mere heartbeat of a moment.

But why did it feel like the world had come to a halt?

Your heart skipped a beat.

'Pretty...'

It was an innocent thought. So very innocent.

But so very unexpected as well.

You never expected to think such a thing about someone else anymore, as you lived the years past detached from everything around. It was new, and the longer your eyes stayed on hers, the more the feeling of shyness welled in your mind, a feeling you hadn't felt for a long time. The numbness ebbed away for this short moment and the Earth ceased to move. After a few seconds, you remembered what was happening, and your eyes widened in complete embarrassment at your unwarranted thought.

'Bakit naisip ko yun?'

You tried to brush it all away, and the warmth swelling in your chest laid still and unacknowledged.

You were caught stuck with your wide eyes and quickly turned to look elsewhere. Back to the blackboard, or maybe the window? Anywhere but her. 

You didn't know what else happened with the girl afterwards, as you tried to push the moment down. The sound of humming eventually drowned away as more people entered, and the day began its course.

The world began to move again, and the wounds of numbness opened once more. Everything had felt brighter in that passing moment, but you felt it as just a drop of rain in the ocean, something becoming obsolete as it fades into itself.

You thought you would forget.

But the soft tune from your early morning encounter did not take its leave.

-

You had noticed something new recently. No longer was the sky's faraway lure nor the distant display of the blackboard the only views that occupied your sight as you sat in class. For some time since you came to recognize the girl on the other side of the room, you found that every now and then, your eyes would wander to her direction. You found yourself stealing glances, and you didn't know why. 

You never looked for long. You would only catch glimpses of her between idle moments when there was nothing for you to do, like whenever you grew weary while reading your books or began feeling the tedium of the lectures.

It was in these times that strings of new thoughts got tangled up in your head, thoughts you never imagined would appear in your mind.

Ever since she caught your attention, every day soon filled with questions with every brief moment you looked her way.

'Patong-patong na tanong...'

-

The musings in your head were simple at first.

You would look at your colored pencils while drawing idly in class.

'Ano kaya paborito niyang kulay?'

You would pick at your food during lunch.

'Ano kaya favorite food niya?'

You would turn to a new page in your book.

'Mahilig kaya siya magbasa?'

Somehow it felt like you were playing a game, trying to piece together this curiosity of a girl. But you tried not to ponder so hard.

You two were strangers living in worlds separate from each other, with a rift between that you could never cross.

It had always felt that way with everyone since you came here.

But something about the girl made her seem so much farther than anyone you had ever seen before. The only strings you held that were tethered to her existence were your curious but shallow little questions that kept coming and coming each day.

'Ano mga gusto niyang kanta?'

'Mahilig ba siya mag-sports?'

'Ano favorite subject niya?' 

Little by little, you grew more and more enthused, wanting to know more, but never saying a thing.

Muted, but bittersweet.

'Tanong nang tanong. Hindi naman magkakasagot kahit kailan...'

There was a strange sense of futility, but the interest never waned.

She became some sort of puzzle to complete. With every momentary look, you would search for any piece that would complete the image of this girl, asking questions for new yet imaginary pieces you thought may change a thing. But you would never know, as you never could come any closer.

She became your secret, in a way.

You didn't know what had ignited your curiosity in her. 

Was it the sweet tone of her voice that time she had hummed away? 

Was it that summery smile she had sent your way? 

Was it that veil of warmth you suddenly felt permeating around her even when she was a distance away from you? 

Or was it that sensation you felt from that short moment that reminded you you were... alive?

Asking was all you could do. You could never make a move, even with this budding interest you held in your chest.

It was hard to fathom anything past the walls you had built up over the years. It was hard to fathom change.

You would watch how people gravitated around her, how easily they were able to talk to her, and how she seemed to get along with everyone and had a lot of friends.

All the while, you had always wanted to ascertain the boundary you had between everyone. You believed your questions would never get any deeper, as you knew eventually your interest would disappear as if it never existed, and these questions would be pointless. 

But when you saw her laugh away, the world stopped again.

One last question flitted to mind.

'Ano kaya pangalan niya..?'

-

Some time had passed since the semester started, days you couldn't quite count as you drifted along. The girl who had remained a collage composed of every question and every imagined detail in your head was still gleaming from so far away. You had grown accustomed to the sight and thought of her. You didn't think of her as often, but she still stayed in the back of your mind like a low hum.

You never thought of stepping forward or introducing yourself, and you had already resigned the fact you would ever come to know each other.

She had become akin to a picture in your mind that you could only look at and never save for yourself.

But the girl continued to elude you, and you always felt yourself falling deeper and deeper into some inescapable chasm that ended in her way.

You had gotten so curious about her name, so curious about who she was, who she could be, and who she would be. 

But so much time had passed, and nothing had happened. 

What was the meaning in all of this? What was this silly secret? This puzzle? This game?

Part of you knew it was time to stop thinking about her.

Another day came, seeing her in her space that seemed so far away. As always, the two of you were separated by rows and columns of tables and chairs, along with other students, other faces you couldn't quite place because somehow she was all you could discern.

When your lunch break started, a dull aching had begun to fill your head. 

You took off your glasses and buried your face in your hands, a little frustrated and a little lost. That part of you wishing to forget everything was gradually overtaking your senses. 

It was no longer new for you to fall back to the ground. 

Whatever curious, floating feeling you'd felt for those fleeting weeks would always be gone. The image of her would fade into a blur just like it had with everyone else. 

Eyes closed shut, you tried to drive everything away.

The darkness would help devour your feelings and---

"Nahulog eraser mo.'"

...Huh?

You looked up, clumsily fumbling with your glasses.

The girl was right in front of you, gazing with her ever-warm smile. She held out your eraser for you to take, but you were somehow petrified in your place. 

You were staring again, but the girl didn't seem to pay much mind.

'...Mas maganda pala siya sa malapitan.'

A few seconds passed simply looking into each other's eyes, until you came to your senses and realized your situation.

"Ah... Salamat po." You awkwardly took your eraser.

"Walang anuman!"

And the girl went back to her friends.

You watched her retreating figure feeling a strange sensation plaguing your insides.

Why did your face feel so hot? 

What was this soft feeling in your chest? 

How come your heart was suddenly beating so loud and so fast?

A new, unexpected development you could not understand. 

-

The sky felt more vivid. The sounds of everyday felt more pleasant. The daily commute felt more special. The noise of your class did little to irk you anymore. Even your taxing OJT had grown a little lighter.

And the girl only looked prettier and prettier.

You didn't understand what was happening and why everything seemed lighter since your exchange with the girl.

You had wanted to forget her then, but she only continued to make a place in your mind, and you weren't sure if she would ever leave. 

The mindnumbingly empty days that had filled your life since you moved began to feel so far away.

Sometimes, you could also feel the corners of your mouth quirk up ever so slightly in a light smile, and your monotone surroundings brightening whenever you saw the girl carrying herself like a beam of light.

But you still didn't know her.

And you wanted to know her more. 

You wanted those questions you had asked and asked before to finally receive some answers. 

You wanted to get closer, diverge from your solitary space, and find a way to break free from your internal prison.

You wanted to finally complete this puzzle of a girl, but you were no longer satisfied using those countless pieces of your imagination. You wanted to gather everything pure, everything genuine.

But at the same time, you still didn't know why.

'What is this feeling?'

-

The final class of the day had just ended, and everyone was fixing their belongings and readying to leave the room. You always left immediately without so much as a look or a word to anyone else, but today you decided to stay a little longer and take a short breather before taking your leave.

The day had felt a bit lonely and you didn't want to go home with a heavy heart.

You closed your eyes and took deep breaths, feeling the quiet, thinking everyone was gone. You were glad for this moment, not worrying about your studies and responsibilities, the annoying rush-hour, missing your old friends. 

In your stupor, you hadn't looked at anyone at all, not even the girl. You were absorbed by the sight of the clear blue sky all throughout every class, and there was nothing in your head, save for an unexplainable sorrow.

As the load in your chest began to feel just a little bit lighter, the silence of the room was suddenly broken by the sound of the door opening.

"Uyyy."

Your eyes chanced upon another one of your classmates whose name you did not know and... the girl?

'Kanina pa ba siya nandyan?'

The girl was looking straight in your direction, and your eyes locked for a few long seconds. Her face was serious, and she looked lost in thought, expressions you had only seldom caught in certain times. This was something new however, something different. The girl who usually smiled at everyone looked uncertain and unusually somber. Her gaze was deep and intent, with a color you could not read.

But before you could make sense of it all, your unnamed classmate called out to get her attention.

"Uy."

"Ha?"

Your unnamed classmate scoffed.

"Ha-ha ka diyan. Halika na, baka ma-late pa tayo."

The girl glanced at you one last time as your unnamed classmate walked her to the door.

"Tara, Stacey."

You blinked dumbly as the two girls hurriedly left the room.

...

Stacey.

...

Stacey?

...

'So ikaw pala si Stacey Sevilleja...'

You felt yourself let out a laugh in the irony.

'Just another girl?'

A wry smile graced your lips.

'How wrong you were, Jhoanna Robles.'

-

Stacey truly was the sun that could light up everything with ease, while you were a stubborn sunflower who had refused to look her way. You could understand now why so many people surrounded and adored her. They too, were simple sunflowers who were blessed by her shining presence, and now you were no different.

You already knew, but you still wondered how it took you so long to look at her, how you fully assumed she would never be anyone to you, and why you were now so... confused.

Things became blurred, and you recalled the bygone years.

Despite that dim that had sealed you away in constant oblivion, everything except the people around had been as clear as still water. In that space, all that mattered to you was yourself, but at the same time, you had also neglected every other part of you that existed. As you saw everything in what seemed like the only clear path in your way, you had thought you didn't need anything else.

You had stopped longing for anything. 

The isolation you stumbled into had only reassured the numbness, and with no one around, you had fallen.

You had fallen into a deep well, wings clipped and hands shackled, unable to trust.

'Wala nang ibang sasagip sa akin kundi sarili ko.'

Heart closed, you had failed to catch up to the quickly moving world, failed to see the beauty of the present. Instead, you were left to sink in your corner.

The saudade had followed you around like a ghost. You had still yearned for things long past, like the comfort of your old home, the streets you used to roam with friends, the mango tree in your backyard, and the feeling that you belonged.

So much time had passed--years even, but you didn't allow yourself the peace. 

Every night had become the same, listening to the sound of your steady breathing in the deafening silence as you lay in bed, a supposed reminder that you were alive, but at the same time reminding you that you were alone.

Your mind changed after you met the girl, who you now knew as Stacey, and you found the realization funny.

It wasn't much--It had never been much, but you couldn't forget that day you had finally caught a glimpse of the well-known Stacey Sevilleja. You didn't forget the crisp early morning air as you left your house for school, the light gray clouds strewn about the sky, the silence in the classroom broken by humming, and Stacey's smile. The days that followed from then made you feel as if you had just awakened from a deep slumber, only starting to witness the world from that moment.

You couldn't help but laugh at yourself bitterly at this reality. You were charmed by Stacey just like everyone else, becoming just another girl helplessly caught in her gravitational pull.

If she was far away before, she was much farther now.

All anyone could do was watch from a distance and admire her, and you were fated to do the same.

But it wasn't enough.

Why?

What was it you were looking for?

You felt confined to your space on the other side of the room, a stranger, a casualty who would never mean anything more than a classmate in Stacey's life.

The newfound glow started to flicker.

Still, you couldn't help but smile at the sight of her, although nowadays every smile felt so... pained.

That new sensation that had bloomed within you the past weeks suddenly felt so different. Now you could see that shadow could come with light. Stacey herself never seemed to dull, but as she shone behind you, all you could see was your long shadow cast on the ground.

'Pero bakit?'

'Ba't di ko siya mawalay sa isip ko?'

The strange, brilliant feelings that arose from when she stepped up to you for the first time beseeched you to move closer.

Your new thoughts had grown more and more peculiar to you, uncertain things you didn't imagine you would ever think, and they all led to Stacey.

'Maaari ko ba siya makilala?'

'May lugar ba para sa akin diyan?'

Every thought about her, and every little thing she did manifested in your heart in a dream-like haze. Not once could you make sense of whatever it was you were feeling anymore. It was so foreign, but oddly beautiful, and you no longer knew what was true.

At the same time, through this daze, there was a faint inkling of you still wondering what would become of the two of you.

Stacey only continued to dance and flutter in your mind, still stopping time, still pulling you close, still enticing you, still lightyears away, and still so prominent.

Until now, you couldn't understand, and at times you were no longer sure of yourself, walking on a tightrope with no knowledge of what it was that loomed below nor what the destination was in the end.

And the longer Stacey lived in your mind, the more you lost sense of your feelings.

'Ano ba ang gusto kong mangyari?'

'Ano ba talaga ang gusto ko?'

-

Your eyes opened to your school classroom. It was late in the afternoon. Orange and yellow were spilling through the windows on your side, and you were sitting at your desk.

"Jho?"

Her familiar voice rang in your ears.

"Huy, tulala ka na naman."

"Ay, sorry." You apologized to Stacey, feeling a little lost in thought.

She was sitting at the desk next to yours, looking at you with an amused smile. It was just the two of you, and you could feel the warmth ripple in your chest being so close to the other girl.

This had become a common practice now, staying behind in the classroom long after classes had ended and simply chatting away. The two of you would laugh and run away whenever the janitor scolded you, and everything infinitely felt lighter.

The days seemed to have melted away since you and Stacey met, and all of those years spent not knowing each other passed like they never existed. It was as if you had known her all your life. The suffocating walls that had risen around you had fallen apart, and you were free. You remembered you were alive. You weren't alone anymore.

Every conversation shared between the two of you flowed and unfolded without a single thought, but still coherent and connected. Words just came so easily with Stacey.

As you sat in a comfortable silence, you couldn't help what you said next.

"Totoo ba talaga ito?"

Stacey tilted her head in confusion, still smiling.

"Hm? What are you talking about? Ano na naman nakain mo at naisip mo yan?"

"Wala, it's just..."

"Kaka-mangga mo yan eh."

"Huy! Walang kinalaman mangga ko dito ah!"

The both of you bantered, sharing looks of playful annoyance as you laughed at each other's quips, and the question you had asked was forgotten for a moment.

"Paano mo ba nagawa yun?" Stacey asked as the both of you got lost in a new topic.

"Hindi ko nga rin alam eh." You answered.

"Ang weird. First time ko lang marinig yung ganun. Kakanta ka nalang bigla tapos tatakbuhan mo yung tao para lang makatakas sa usapan?" You had just told Stacey how you used to react to random people trying to start conversations with you.

"Ewan ko. Siguro kasi nanerbyos lang ako kasi bigla akong gustong kausapin. Ayun, napa-Sarah G si anteh. Tapos dati pa yun, nung 'di pa kami lumipat ng bahay."

Stacey smiled teasingly.

"Ang cute mo rin pala noh?"

You felt a blush creep to your cheeks at her words, looking at the girl blankly before regaining some composure.

"Ano? Gusto mo ikaw kantahan ko rin?"

"Bakit? Ayaw mo ako kausap? Love na love mo naman ako diba?"

You gulped nervously, trying to keep up with what was happening, and turned away in an attempt to hide your shy face.

"Asa ka."

Stacey laughed.

"Sus, parang 'di mo naman ako tinititigan nang tinititigan dati ah!"

Huh?

...

It grew quiet.

You looked at Stacey with wide eyes.

You didn't think she knew.

All of a sudden, you fell back to all those times you spent watching her from afar, before you had come to know each other, and even after you had gotten to know each other.

She never faded from your attention, and it looked like she had noticed it too long before you met.

In between all that time, you wondered if she had ever seen anything behind your gaze, if she had discerned anything past the mere sight of your eyes.

Had she seen all of the curious questions piling in your mind?

Had she seen all of those times you had spent wondering?

Had she seen how beautiful the world had become?

You sat still without a word, unable to say anything.

'Oo Stacey, I was looking at you, and I couldn't stop.'

The thought made you feel as if you had delved into parts of yourself you didn't know existed, and Stacey was there, too.

Stacey was gazing at you with concern now, probably noticing the change in your mood.

You looked elsewhere for a while, letting the silence envelop the two of you.

No thoughts fluttered by as you tried to cool your head, only a sheepish 'Sorry about that' playing on your lips.

But before you could apologize, you felt a hand softly take yours.

"Jhoanna."

You quickly set your gaze to the other girl. She was looking down at your hand which fit snugly in hers, eyes distant with a faraway expression, reminding you of the day you learned her name.

Not one of you said a word, yet although you were feeling disillusioned with your feelings from Stacey's earlier remark, you felt soft, warm, and so very vulnerable. The feeling of her hand tingled on your skin.

"Jhoanna."

She began again, repeating your name as if to steady herself.

"Maging totoo man ito o hindi..." she looked into your eyes.

"Iikot pa rin ang mundo, tumigil man ito sa paningin mo."

She said these words as if she were making a promise, one last present in an uncertain reality.

...But you didn't want the world to move.

Stacey was there, always on the other side of the room, always traversing the halls with poise, always illuminating every corner of this meager Earth. 

Stacey was here, sitting by your side in the late afternoon and holding your hand in the gentlest manner.

With only the two of you alone together in the silence, lingering so very close to one another, all you could feel was Stacey's beguiling presence. And in this capricious world that either moved excruciatingly slow or carelessly fast, you realized you wanted to stay still. 

You found you wanted to stop everything, if it meant you would catch Stacey in between, neither too early, and neither too late. You wanted to stay in each moment, holding it all dear as you let it fall away.

The setting sun was teetering over the edge of the horizon now, bathing the room in purple and red.

And as Stacey's unwavering eyes softened ever so slightly, her grip on your hand tightening solemnly, the warmth that you could never name flooded over your heart and tugged at your existence, along with a familiar ache.

"Stacey, I--"

You woke up.

The blank of the ceiling was the first to greet you, coming into focus as you settled into consciousness. Faint light shone from the window, and the sound of your steady breathing echoed in your ears in the silence.

You were in your room in the early morning light, and you were alone.

Stacey's name lingered on your lips, as well as the aftertaste of words that had been left unsaid.

You were lost, trying to make sense of false memories. Vague images and sounds surfaced in the back of your mind, feeling fragments of a dream steadily fading.

"Ano yun...? May sasabihin sana ako... Ano yun...?"

You were going to say something, something important.

"Bakit ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko?"

Your throat burned as unknown tears welled in your eyes.

"Bakit... ang sakit?"

-

More time passed.

You were in a jeepney, absentmindedly watching the urban scenery through the wide windows on the side. The sounds of outside were loud and exuberant, and people were going to and fro the city streets, living their lives. Everything was vibrant and full of life, but none of it touched you in your lonely day, as silence pervaded your mind.

In the inward quiet, only your tattered self breathed, trying to make sense of a life found fictitious. Two weeks had already come and gone but the scattered pieces of your dream still remained. Only little images and sounds had been left behind yet you could not escape that warm afternoon.

Everyday the jeepney would be packed and the daylight would shine white in the morning sky. In the blink of an eye, the jeepney would empty, the noise of the world would disappear, and the glow of the morning would be replaced by orange and yellow light, flooding the jeepney's interior sharply.

You would drown under a late afternoon sky, and Stacey would be sitting on the space in front of you, a light smile on her face and a softness in her eyes.

"Para po."

You got off the crowded jeepney and went on your way to school.

Upon arriving in the classroom, you quietly went over to your seat and sat down, placing your bag on the side of your table. 

It was all the same. Class would fly by, people would chatter around, and you would look through the window to the world outside. It seemed like nothing had changed at all, but you felt like an anomaly in this system, astray with the feelings that had come from the remnants of that poignant dream.

School was close to ending. You were finally getting what you had wanted, but it didn't feel good. Some people were nervous about the future ahead, and some people were excited to move onto a new chapter in their lives. You had thought you would feel better once you left. Why did you feel so low?

The emptiness was agonizing, but with every time you sat in class, you noticed you weren't the only one feeling blue.

You had seen Stacey everywhere, always smiling to you and slowing the world with a single look, yet you could tell it all apart. Temporary, illusory scenes, distant from the truth.

Within reality, she still smiled at everyone as she always did, but at some instances your eyes met, you had seen something different within her dark eyes.

The sweet shine had dimmed, and it almost looked like she was sinking.

You couldn't say you hadn't seen it before.

She looked the same as she did that day you had learned her name, when you had caught her looking at you in the near-empty classroom. Except this time, she seemed much more... withdrawn.

All of it was faint, concealed well by her cheery demeanor, and you weren't even certain it was real.

You didn't understand what any of it meant.

She just continued lighting up the world for others, but who was lighting up hers?

As you walked home from school, staring at the ground and kicking away some stray pebbles, the mid-afternoon sky had slowly begun to deepen. It was an uneventful walk, but the color of the sky only dragged you back to that dream. The mind was truly cruel for shaping such images and sensations. That expression on Stacey's face, so far and so peculiar in contrast to the smile she showed all the time haunted you.

A dark gray cloud blocked out the sun and suddenly, you felt someone walking next to you, your shoulders brushing slightly in close proximity. Your eyes widened as you looked up.

'Stacey...?'

The girl was walking alongside you, matching your footsteps with her head bowed and her gaze cast upon her shoes.

You couldn't see her face all that well, yet you could feel the hollow atmosphere around her telling you vaguely that she was... withering? Although surprised, you pushed down the fluttering feeling in your heart and silently allowed her to walk by your side. 

'Bakit siya nandito?'

It had never felt this real before.

You looked at her from the corner of your eye, your heart abruptly skipping a beat. No words passed in between, and neither did any of you break pace, as if you were headed the same way, at the same time. The world around had become vibrant and oddly surreal, your surroundings more heightened at Stacey's presence. Everything remained the same, much to your surprise, with the cars and people around continuing to go about, unlike those other moments you'd encountered before.

The passing time walking along the sidewalk was spent in a calm silence that encapsulated the both of you from every other noise in the busy world. You wondered what Stacey was thinking, what she was doing here, why she was with you in this moment. You wondered if you were overthinking things, captive by your mind's overarching delusions. You simply kept wondering, reminding you of that evergreen feeling that had slowly come into fruition all those weeks ago.

Upon finally arriving at the last pedestrian lane before reaching home, you stopped walking and stood still by the curb. Stacey lingered next to you, still without a word. You tried not to look at her, worried she may never leave your sight once you turned her way.

Admittedly, you were nervous and confused, trying to tune out everything around as you waited for the glowing red of the pedestrian signal to turn green. It was only when you felt a hand take yours that everything came back and gently dragged you back to reality.

Your eyes widened as you watched Stacey step off the sidewalk and stand onto the road in front of you, pulling you with a soft tug. She looked straight into you, gaze seemingly empty but intent, showing a visage both vulnerable and resolute.

There were so many things that had beset your mind throughout the many years of your life. Everything that had transpired before these bright and painful weeks was still clear and vivid in your head. You just couldn't forget.

But as the day continued to shift and blossom, all that mattered now was the girl in front of you.

'Asan na ngiti mo, Stacey?'

The great cloud that had blocked out the sun drifted away, and the blinding light shone upon you, illuminating your face. Stacey was standing against the light, her features encompassed in shade. Your eyes drowned at the light, and you squinted as you brought your free hand to cover them. But through the narrow rifts between your fingers, you felt you had caught something new in Stacey's eyes. 

A slight glimmer, bright and warm and tantalizing, and your breath got caught in your throat.

The light had gotten so overbearing, that you had to close your eyes completely.

In the dark, you felt her thumb gently brushing against your knuckles, her grip on your hand tightening reassuringly, until finally... it was gone.

It had taken you a while to realize the absence of her warmth, bewildered by the impossibility of this situation. You slowly drew your hand from your eyes, only to see the light was hidden once more. The pedestrian signal had turned green, and Stacey was nowhere to be found. You stood there alone, enveloped in the remnants of the vermillion shine of the setting sun.

'Ano ba talaga ito...?'

'Mga panaginip na 'di na mawala...'

'Lagi nalang akong namamalikmata.'

'Bakit?'

'Bakit ba...?'

-

A few days had passed in a blur until you found yourself at the very end of the week, lost in a Sunday night pensive and deep. You were lying in bed, staring into nothing.

There was no recollection of a life lived, mind unintentionally encased in your own little pocket of space that had taken away the significance of your surroundings.

Through it all, only one thing had remained, as your gaze continued to gravitate to the other side of the classroom, to the space of one alluring girl. A girl whose name you had once disregarded and cast aside whilst trapped in your birdcage of solitary.

"Stacey..."

Her name left your lips in a whisper, as it often did lately.

Ever since that afternoon, Stacey never appeared the way she did again, like her ghost had never tormented your mind at all. You never knew if you would see her that way again, lingering in all those places you knew she would never be. 

Walking beside you, sitting with you in the jeepney, or in that empty classroom.

Memories of the mundane you unknowingly wished would last, and memories of a broken dream you somehow wished you could make into reality.

You shifted onto your side, laying your blank gaze to the wall.

You never did stop asking what this all meant.

"Sawa na ako sa kakatanong..."

Your heart felt heavy... but you realized just how much the feeling had changed. You no longer felt like you were floating aimlessly without purpose. No longer did your heart feel empty the way it did before. Instead, it felt full of something much more beautiful, a weight worth having. A reminder that you weren't as hollow as you thought you were.

You never did think you'd forget. But as the past months played in your head like a hazy movie, the deep blues in your heart were gently graced with a pretty pink, and the painted picture that followed simply felt... right.

Your heart... it was starting to ache now. You thought you didn't know why, or perhaps all this time you had only been telling yourself you didn't. The idea of it had all seemed so unthinkable, until it wasn't.

The way her smile fit so perfectly on her face. Her playful voice as she joked around with friends, how it rang with confidence when she was answering the professor or its unabashed warmth when talking with others.

You remembered her focused eyes as she did her homework in class, pink earphones on and once again humming away. The way she walked the halls with beautiful composure, like she owned the place.

There was that unusual pensiveness that tugged at something inside you, when she looked like she was in pain for reasons that you couldn't imagine. And she still smiled, through it all.

You wished you could hold her hand then. You wished you could be the reason for her laugh.

You wished you could hold her tight so she may never fall apart...

For the first time in so long, you wanted something.

You wanted someone.

It hurt so much, but you had never felt warmer.

There was no turning back.

Reality only continued to take over your heart until everything became clearer.

'Kung bakit masakit...'

'Kung bakit masaya...'

'Kung bakit nalulungkot ako sa lungkot niya...'

'At napapangiti ako sa ngiti niya...'

You closed your eyes shut as you let out a shaky breath, finding your vision blurred with tears when you opened them again.

In the silence of your room, all you could think of was the one and only truth that lasted endlessly in your mind.

The world felt like it had stopped again in that moment.

"Gusto ko na ata siya..."

You finally admitted, a single stray tear falling from your eye.

"Gusto ko siya."

...

...?

"Ito na ba yun?" You asked yourself.

"Ito na ba yung katotohanang hinahanap ko?"

More tears fell in the deafening silence.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

The ticking of the wall clock was a reminder that time was still passing you by.

The world was still moving on.

"...Gusto ko si Stacey?" 

Tears continued to fall, but a strange, unexpected lightness had begun to bloom in your chest.

"Gusto ko si Stacey."

Not another thought plagued your mind. 

There was this quiet, unusual peace, and it felt like sunlight had just begun to peek through a curtain of gray clouds after years of rain. In your sudden tranquility, you didn't think of anything else, simply allowing yourself to be at ease.

For now, this was enough.

You curled into a ball; This time, not feeling quite as lonely as before. 

You drifted to sleep, your hand closed and clutched to your chest, hanging onto the feelings that had suddenly felt softer... and hanging tightly onto her.

-

For a while, you felt like you were floating. You could feel the smile gracing your face whenever you heard her laugh or talk away, her voice still committed to memory even if it wasn't meant for you.

It was still so strange how these delicate feelings changed and shifted into place like so. 

You remembered how painful it was. How confusing. How riveting.

Back then, it had felt as if you wanted to drown everything away, let the ground swallow you whole until not a single trace of you was left. You didn't know who you were anymore, that time.

But every feeling that had gripped onto your heart looked to be beautiful all along. Everything had simply been so unfamiliar, so new that it had taken you some time to catch up.

But you were here. 

And you only wanted to love her.

Even if the only way you could love her was quietly, from afar.

It didn't matter if you didn't have a chance. 

As much as it hurt sometimes, it didn't matter if it wasn't you.

As long as there would be someone to hold her dear as much as you did. Someone who would take care of her. Someone who wouldn't simply stay in their lane, wishing and watching like you had; Not quite holding on, but not quite letting go either.

Then somehow... somehow, you'd be complete.

At times, you still wondered if there was a place for you there. If there would come a lifetime where you would be the one to keep that dazzling smile on her face. If there would come a time where you would know everything, realizing the truth in not just her world, but also your own.

You could be the moon in her life, keeping her company in the sky. You could be the last wildflower in her garden, greeting her every morning and every night when every other flower had moved on and turned away.

You could be anything.

'But perhaps...' You thought as you watched her retreating figure again after class.

'Perhaps it's just not meant to happen.'

And that acceptance would soon be ascertained.

-

It was an uneventful but peaceful evening. You had just finished the last of your requirements, now lying in bed staring at the ceiling. Such evenings used to be lonely, the silence always deafening and the dark all-consuming.

Now the static was gone. The quiet wasn't as bothersome. You had a heart. You could breathe.

You were close to dozing off in the soft comforts of your bed, your eyes slowly growing heavy. It was only when you heard your mother call out were you brought back to your senses.

"Anak, kain na tayo!"

You let out a deep breath and stretched, before standing up to leave your room.

"Pababa na po." You announced as you went down the stairs, lest your mother call out again. You reached the dining room, immediately taking in the scent of food wafting through the air.

"Uy sinigang." 

Your mother smiled as you took a seat at the dining table, placing down the pot of sinigang followed by a bowl of rice.

"Si daddy po?"

"May inaasikaso lang anak. Mauna na raw tayo kumain."

You gave a nod and started eating.

It really was a peaceful, uneventful evening. Eating dinner, chatting away and simply allowing yourself to be.

You missed this.

You missed these light, carefree moments, where you weren't drowning in yourself.

You missed the feeling of warmth that you failed to notice all this time.

You missed no longer having to pretend.

And this evening's sinigang was tastier than usual.

But you could feel your mother's gaze as you ate your food, eyes laid onto you as if there was something she had to say.

Eventually, dinnertime came to an end, and you were washing the dishes in the kitchen, humming the same tune you'd heard from Stacey that day. 

You were looking forward to seeing her again tomorrow.

"Anak?" Your mother suddenly called out.

"Po?" You continued to wash the dishes without looking up.

"May kailangan akong sabihin sa'yo." She began, the tone of her voice careful, as if she were testing the waters for what she would say next.

"Ano po yun?" You took a quick glance at your mother, before returning to your task.

"Yung trabaho kasi ng daddy mo... "

"Mhm?" You hummed in acknowledgment, curiosity bubbling slightly within.

"...Pinapabalik na siya sa Laguna."

...

Only the steady stream of water from the faucet echoed in the kitchen as the words slowly sank in.

"Pagkatapos ng graduation mo... Babalik na tayo sa Laguna."

...

You said nothing for a while. 

You just finished washing the last of the dishes, before turning off the faucet and staring down at the sink. 

It felt a little like you were getting swallowed up by the ground, but you simply let out a breath.

You were not letting yourself sink anymore. Not like this.

Your mother came closer, rubbing your back apologetically, hoping to soothe the pain she had always known was there, the one you never talked about.

"Pasensya na anak kung masyadong biglaan..."

There was remorse in her voice.

"Lalo na't... napansin namin ng daddy mo na mas masaya ka na ngayon."

Not a word left your lips once more. 

You simply nodded in affirmation, reminiscing the past months that had never been more beautiful.

Reminiscing Stacey. 

You let a few heartbeats pass until the truth finally slipped out.

"I like someone." You said as you turned to meet your mother's eyes.

Her eyebrows furrowed for a moment, then her eyes softened, warm with understanding. She took hold of your hand, her eyes speaking as if to say “Nandito lang ako, nakikinig ako.” And you had never felt more comfortable. 

"All this time, hindi ko po kinaya lumapit sa kanya." You recounted Stacey's admirers, her charm, how the two of you were so close but with so much in between. 

"Sa totoo lang po, siya po yung dahilan na mas lumiwanag ang mundo ko."

You chuckled.

"Ang mga ngiti na nakikita niyo po sa akin ngayon... It's because of her."

You could feel a small, bitter smile on your face now, tears unknowingly gathering in your eyes.

That short distance from your perch by the window, to her corner on the other side of the classroom had already felt so great, but now you would be kilometres apart.

You wouldn't see her in the classroom. You wouldn't see her around town. You thought you would have at least that much. You hadn't even made a single move all this time.

"Ano na po kaya gagawin ko? Ganito nalang po ba talaga? Mukhang 'di po talaga uubra noh...?"

Your tears began to fall freely down your face. You couldn't make a sound, only letting out a shaky breath as your mother wrapped you in her arms.

"Jhoanna anak." She called your name warmly, before gently asking...

"Anong gusto mong gawin?"

You didn't expect such a question.

"Po..?"

"Anong gusto mong gawin...?"

A pause.

Every single memory came flooding back in.

That day you met. Every evergreen feeling. All the pain. How far, how close. Every single daydream.

How you wished, how you longed...

There was one last thing to put your heart at ease.

"Kahit isang beses..."

Your voice was firm despite your shaky breathing.

"Gusto ko lang siya makausap kahit isang beses."

Your mother hummed in understanding then pulled away, wiping your tears.

"May oras pa anak." She said resolutely.

"Habang may oras pa, huwag mo hayaan sarili mo mabaon sa hinayang."

You hesitated for a moment.

You weren't sure you would ever be ready, but what use was a life filled with regret?

"Paano kung... hindi ko po kayanin?"

"Bumuwelo ka muna, at kung kailan kaya mo na, gawin mo itong huling kahilingan mo."

You allowed your mother's words to settle in your heart, and nodded, feeling more at peace than you ever had before.

"Tahan na, nak."

"Salamat po, mom."

She smiled.

"Oh siya, magpahinga ka na. May pasok ka pa bukas."

-

The classroom was quiet, with only you and a handful of students remaining in your seats. The professor had excused herself for the day. There was nothing more to be said but a warm 'Congratulations'. Nothing else to show but one last smile of pride. The near-empty classroom and your professor's goodbye was a reminder that things would soon be coming to a close.

Thesis defended. OJT met until the end.

You sighed at the relief of having finally accomplished everything. Relief that would've never been present had you gone to class any later that day. 

Stacey was there as usual, pretty, composed, somehow looking a little lost in thought.

You wondered for a brief moment what she was thinking, just like you did since the first day you met.

Perhaps you would've never made it this far had you not come to know her.

You took one last glance, felt one last smile, before at last, looking back to the sky.

The gargantuan clouds were moving along with the wind, traces of sun peeking out now and again. Your only company in the past years.

Somehow, there was still a pain in your chest, but you knew the wounds had closed, and your heart had healed despite the heaviness.

You felt you weren't the same, but there was still a long way to go.

All of a sudden, you heard the sound of chairs shifting, as if someone were making their way over.

Eventually a voice called out, a little awkward and nervous.

"Ahh, Jhoanna?" You turned away from the window to see one of the girls you had been grouped with for your thesis defense.

You blinked for a moment, a little confused as to why she was talking to you out of the blue.

"Hi. Ano yun?" You asked curiously.

She seemed to fidget in place for a moment, before taking a deep breath and finally speaking.

"Salamat lang." You stared at her in bemusement.

"For what?"

"Kasi... Andami mo nagawa para sa defense natin."

You looked at her a little incredulously, feeling yourself smile slightly.

"Ah... Wala yun. Mas marami rin naman kayong nagawa."

She shook her head, looking a little reluctant to say her next words, but finding the resolve nonetheless.

"Sa totoo lang kasi... Medyo natakot rin kami sa iyo dati."

You felt your eyes widen a bit, but you kept mum and gestured for her to go on.

"Pero kasi... nakita namin na hindi mo kami pinabayaan, kahit 'di mo rin kami kinakausap."

She chuckled, then paused. 

Her eyes shone with gratitude.

"Pinanindigan mo kami sa research hanggang dulo."

You couldn't help but stare back quietly for a while, taking in her words.

You hadn't noticed the people around you all this time, but it seemed you really hadn't lost yourself to the isolation completely despite everything.

All this time, you were still here. Still present in the world of others and not just confined to your own.

"Like I said, wala yun. We're all on the same boat, ika nga."

"True. Pero thank you pa rin."

The two of you nodded to one another, and she walked away.

From the corner of your eye, you saw Stacey staring into your direction, her gaze somehow putting you at ease.

You let your shoulders relax and sighed contentedly.

'Thank you rin.'

Your heart fluttered in your chest as you pushed the moment down, and went back to the sky.

You would treasure these remaining days until the very end, until the next beginning.

-

Graduation day eventually came.

You hadn't expected yourself to be so nervous. The gravity of finally graduating much heavier than you'd thought.

'Dati hindi ko inakala na mangyayari ito... Na may mangyayari pa sa akin...'

Life had become a passing thought in your long trance. As you sat in front of the mirror, fixing yourself up before your very reflection, it felt like you couldn't recognize yourself. There was a small, calm smile playing on your painted lips. A glimmer in your dark brown eyes that seemed to lighten the weight in your chest. Your cheeks were a subtle rosy red, and you looked very much like that girl so many years ago who was so very full of cheer.

The ride to the graduation venue was a little nerve-wracking. You wondered what it would feel like to walk on stage.

You wondered what it would feel like to see her on stage.

All passed in a blur until you finally made it to the venue.

It was a little cramped, graduating students such as yourself chatting animatedly in the long lines. You took a deep breath, not quite wanting to look up and see the sheer number of people around.

But as you gave the world a chance and looked up to see the sea of people, you found that their blurred, unclear faces were crystal clear through your glasses, and within your heart.

There were jolly faces, tears flowing down someone's cheeks, and weary people grateful for the end of the long years past.

Somehow, none of it bothered you anymore. In this clarity, you couldn't help but search for Stacey among the crowd, only to come up empty and a bit disappointed.

As the ceremony finally began, with a prayer, Lupang Hinirang playing, and a choice few guest speakers stating their piece, it felt like you'd been holding your breath the whole time.

Your heart picked up the pace as names were eventually called one by one, the sounds of applause echoing through the theater, so loud that you could feel the rumble in your chest.

"Robles, Jhoanna Christine B. Cum Laude!"

When you went on stage with your parents, smiling softly to some cameras, to your professors and the higher ups, then getting your diploma, you hadn't expected the loud applause. You didn't know what it meant, but there was a part of you filled with gratitude.

You sat back down, anticipation making your head dizzy.

Her name would soon be called.

It was only a few months, but it indeed felt like an eternity you wanted to keep.

You remembered those days before so very clearly. She was the puzzle you wanted to piece together, the one you wanted to know, so far away but somehow feeling so close. You didn't realize for a long time that it wasn't just simple curiosity, but something deeper and more fond.

You didn't notice either that she was the one piecing you together the whole time.

Even if it was never anything but a smile. Even if it was never anything but a passing moment. Even if she never did anything but exist.

The world would never stop for you even if you prayed. You could only move along with it and match every footstep while you danced to the rhythm.

When they called her name, it once again felt like a dream.

But as she walked up onto the stage with her mother, clad in her toga just like everyone else, yet looking completely ethereal and blinding like no other, you were gently cradled back to reality.

There were no tears, no bitterness, just peace.

You only wished to keep her in your memories.

The rest of the ceremony passed so quickly for you that it felt like you'd lost track of the time.

You were on your way to the car soon after; a strange, unexpected feeling of something in your chest.

'Hahanapin ko pa ba siya?'

Your heart was pounding.

Would you live in regret if you allowed it to end like this?

You reached the car and opened the door.

You took one last glance around before entering.

Your father started the car, as you tried to swallow down whatever you were feeling.

'Stacey...'

There was a chance this would be the last time she would plague your thoughts.

'Salamat.'

You thought as if she were there to listen.

'Salamat talaga.' 

You sighed in peace.

"Okay ka lang diyan, anak?"

"Opo."

This was it.

It was time to go.

But right before anything, you were brought back to that one day, to that early morning classroom... to that warm smile.

You looked out the car window, imagining Stacey somewhere in the crowd, and despite the ache in your heart, you could feel yourself smiling softly.

'Stacey Sevilleja...'

It was something you could never really say, but there was one last sentiment hanging in the crevices of your heart.

'...Kung maaari lang umikot ang mundo na ako ang katabi mo.'