Chapter Text
You miss him, dont you?
It's a stupid question, I know
For I have been there too
Sleepless nights with the regrets of the past
Rolling down my cheeks
You miss him too, of course you do.
You wonder what could fill the hole in your heart
That he left way back when
But the truth is more difficult to hear as the years pass; he isn't coming home, he never will.
You will be okay,
You've come this far, have you not, my child?
For you have goals and aspirations
Who gives a damn about expectations?
As long as you know that 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘮
Nothing will change, not for a long time,
And hiding things won't make a lesser load,
Making jokes won't take away the guilt you truly feel.
𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵𝘺?
After all, it's not your fault.
On a positive note, it's a good thing,
That he isn't here.
That he isn't here to see what this once
Beautiful world is slowly becoming,
To see your failures, mistakes and embarrassments.
But maybe it isn't so great.
He isn't here to see all you've accomplished,
He missed so many important milestones,
I can't even begin to list them,
As the very thought disappoints me.
He hasn't see, nor will ever see all you have achieved,
And you will never have the opportunity
to share parts of yourself with him,
Nor have a conversation about work and not school.
You aren't that little girl anymore,
Thats obvious.
But 𝘩𝘪𝘴 fate had left the scars upon 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 face, upon your brain, and upon your flesh
I know that you're scared,
To cry,
To let anyone know that you're in pain,
And I understand fully,
The thought of opening up to someone,
Being vulnerable to someone,
Even someone you'd die for,
Someone you'd give a kidney, a lung,
Another chance at life,
Telling 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 person is both liberating and terrifying at once.
You're scared to become like him,
But you're already so similar,
Down to the way you both walked.
People already tell you;
"You look so much like him"
And thats not so bad,
You should be proud of being like him to some degree,
But this fate - 𝘩𝘪𝘴 fate - is one that affects not only him,
But everyone he once held dear.
And you want to cry,
You're begging to be held as the tears blur your vision,
But, physically, you 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵, its impossible.
His absence is blinding, much like your tears.
You know deep in your heart that you miss him,
Why do you deny it?
Why must you turn this terrible thing into a twisted joke?
Is it to prove something?
To prove that despite him, you will be okay?
You may still be breathing,
But that does not mean that you're okay.
You're drowning in a metaphorical sea of sorrow,
Suffocating in a void that exists only in your own mind.
But you miss him,
𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘰𝘰.