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“Commander Hansen!” The way Captain Shaw had addressed her rang in Seven of Nine’s mind like a cacophony of discordant bells. Even now that she was sequestered in her private quarters, she could still hear the sound. It was like nails on a chalkboard. Wrong, wrong, wrong! her mind screamed.
She sat stiffly down on the edge of her bed, unable to relax. Her assignment had barely started, and already she was filled with doubt. Perhaps she should have stayed away from Starfleet after their previous rejection, but it was hard. Through Voyager, Starfleet had become her home. Maybe it—and definitely Shaw—didn’t like her back, but she wanted it so much that it was hard to resist. Already, she found herself making plans about how to prove herself to Shaw.
Wrapped up in her thoughts, Seven barely noticed the door chime. A few seconds later, the door slid open to admit Raffaela Musiker. Like Seven, Raffi was now outfitted in a Starfleet uniform, although hers was yellow where Seven’s was red. Seven wasn’t the only one who struggled to stay away from Starfleet even though they rejected her.
“Hey,” Raffi said, taking a seat beside Seven on the bed. “I take it your first day didn’t go so well?”
“Captain Shaw dislikes me because I am ex-Borg,” Seven stated plainly and directly like a shadow of her Borg self.
“He’s wrong,” Raffi said simply. “That’s no good reason to dislike you.”
“Isn’t it?” Seven turned her head to look into Raffi’s eyes. “The Borg have done terrible things. I have done terrible things.” She paused, letting the silence stretch between them, before adding, “And sometimes I wish I was still one of them.”
With anyone else, Seven would have expected them to push back against those words and insist that Seven shouldn’t want to be a Borg. Even Janeway—one of the people closest to Seven—probably would have said such a thing. But Raffi didn’t. Seven supposed that was why she found it so easy to love the other woman; their complicated life traumas made them open to new understandings. Around Raffi, Seven didn’t have to strive for Borg perfection, but could merely be her flawed self.
“Why?” Raffi finally asked.
“Because I wasn’t alone,” was Seven’s immediate reply. “I was part of something bigger. I miss the simplicity of the Collective.”
Loneliness was the reason Seven came back to Starfleet. Being a Fenris Ranger might have been productive, but it was often a solitary job. She found herself wanting the familiar comfort of a Collective. Away from the Borg, she had found that on Voyager. She wanted to find that feeling again in Starfleet, hence her commission.
“You would probably hate it,” Raffi pointed out. “You might not be alone, but you would lose your sense of self. Trust me when I say that I know what it’s like to try to subsume your pain. It doesn’t work, honey.”
A part of Seven wanted to argue that the Borg were something very different than a drug addiction, but another part had to concede Raffi’s point. They were both abuse that felt good in the moment, but something that one lost themself to. Neither would be healthy.
“Do you think we’re doing the right thing returning to Starfleet when it previously turned its back on us?”
Raffi shrugged. “I want to believe it’s better. No, I want to make it better. I wasted my life in misery until JL pulled me onto his crazy mission, and I realized I needed this in my life again. Not the same as before, but something better.”
Raffi gave another shrug, as if she couldn’t quite explain the words needed to express her feelings. Nevertheless, Seven understood perfectly. Maybe it was unwise to join the organization that rejected her, but it was hard not to be inspired by Picard. His view of the Federation might have been far more grandiose than reality, but it was a vision that Seven wanted to make into reality nonetheless. She might not have the Borg, but she wasn’t going to let anyone stop her from making her own perfect Collective. It was going to start right there with Raffi.
Seven slid her fingers through Raffi’s, interlocking their hands like they did the first time on La Sirena. Back then, the loss of both Hugh and Icheb were still fresh on her mind. She had been alone. Yet working with the crew of La Sirena had brought flutterings of community to Seven’s heart that she hadn’t felt in a long time. There, she wondered if she could find her Collective again after all.
Her eyes tracing the features of Raffi’s face, Seven wondered how she could have gotten so lucky as to have the other woman in her life. It seemed like a dream come true. Even when she hardly understood romantic relationships, Seven had wanted that sort of closeness. It felt like the nearest she would ever get to being a true Collective with someone.
Leaning forward, Seven let her lips touch Raffi’s. There was always a part of her that felt hesitant thanks to coming to her sexuality late, but that feeling was quickly washed away by a wave of comfort. Raffi’s lips were soft and supple under Seven’s own. They tasted like new beginnings. The fingers of Seven’s hand glided up to cup Raffi’s face, angling her jaw so the kiss deepened. Unlike many of Seven’s other lovers, Raffi didn’t flinch away from the cool touch of the metal of Seven’s Borg implants against her skin. Some days, Seven wished she could do away with all her Borg parts and live her life as Commander Hansen after all, but now Raffi was there to assure Seven otherwise.
As if to prove Seven’s thoughts accurate, Raffi’s fingers lifted to Seven’s face, beginning to delicately trace the edges of her optical implant. The touch felt raw and intimate, like Raffi was touching a part of Seven’s soul. Needing more, Seven slid closer to Raffi, pressing their bodies together until Seven was practically sitting in Raffi’s lap. She wanted to feel Raffi’s touch all over her modified body.
“I love you,” Seven whispered against Raffi’s lips. To some, it might have been too direct, but the Borg had never taught Seven to obfuscate.
“I love you too,” Raffi replied, making Seven’s heart lift with joy.
Seven might have been unsure if joining Starfleet was the right decision after all, but she was sure that it was worth it to stay for Raffi. She didn’t need the Borg Collective if she had the love of her life by her side.