Work Text:
"And yeah. That's just about everything," Apollo sighed, his throat starting to ache from talking for...he glanced at the clock to see it had been a good half hour at least. Blinking the jet lag-induced fatigue away from his eyes, he looked back to Klavier, who was staring at him with the most intense look he'd ever seen. To his credit, his boyfriend had sat calmly, facing him as he listened to Apollo talk at length about every single event in Khura'in. He hung intently on his words while either nodding along or making small noises in agreement or surprise, but his laid back posture was undercut by the white-knuckled fist sitting on his own knee. Between that, his widened eyes and his clenched jaw, Apollo was more than a little worried that the compounding pressure in Klavier was about to explode. "What?" he asked, nervously.
"What?" Klavier repeated, dumbfounded. "What, Apollo? That is...I don't even have the words, what an ordeal you've been through."
Apollo shrugged, avoiding Klavier's gaze. Recounting the last few weeks had made the memories focus to an uncomfortable clarity. "It's fine, I've had worse."
"Have you?" Klavier asked incredulously.
"Not really," Apollo admitted, feeling a mix of shame and sheepishness as he slouched over on the couch.
"Mein gott, schatzi, this is insane," the prosecutor sighed, dragging a hand down his face before looking over at Apollo, who was steadfastly staring at his own hands woven together, hanging in the air as his elbows rested on his knees. "How are you doing?" he added softly.
"I don't know," Apollo replied truthfully. "You might have to be more specific, are you talking about me being involved in a violent uprising or my dad being dead from the moment he walked through my office door?" Klavier winced in distress, and Apollo felt a spark of indignation race through him. The last thing he needed right now was to deal with the discomfort of someone else over his own problems. That thought didn't last long and was followed quickly by a wash of guilt. None of this was Klavier's fault and all he was trying to do was help and empathize. "Sorry," he mumbled, looking away again.
"No, no, there is nothing to be sorry about, sonneschien," Klavier assured him, scooting his chair closer until their knees were nearly touching. He reached out, his thumb grazing over Apollo's temple. "What's going on in here, hm?" he asked softly. "What are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking..." Apollo began with a sigh, struggling to form his jumble of thoughts into words. The warmth of Klavier's hand on his cheek, despite being genuinely comforting, also intensified the gnawing, aching feeling in his chest. "I'm thinking this has all been so stupid." Klavier nodded solemnly, keeping his eyes intently on Apollo's face as he continued. "All of this is stupid. I don't understand how Amara didn't fucking believe Dhurke when he said he had nothing to do with any of it. It doesn't make any sense. When you love someone that much and spend such a long time with them, there's no way you turn your back on them and distrust them so quickly. I don't care if her sister said so, you have to look at the facts before believing something like that and when you add it all up, he had no reason at all to have put her in danger. He loved her so much." Anger was starting to waver his voice, but he pushed on. "And I don't understand why Inga had to...do what he did to Dhurke. Both he and Garan knew their whole empire was all a farce and they kept it all up for years. Everything, the warping of the law, Dhurke having to send me away, Nahyuta making every move under the threat of blackmail, all the innocent people put to trial and to death, it's all their fault. They murdered and framed innocent people just to keep the throne and for what?" He gestured a hand out in futility. "What are they doing with it? Enjoying riches? Ordering people around? They didn't even have to be royalty to do that, Amara and Dhurke would have taken care of them. They had everything to live a peaceful, wealthy life. Instead they have oceans of blood on their hands and they don't seem to feel any way about it at all. And...and..." He swallowed back the urge to scream, to throw something. His hands were starting to tremble.
An abrupt warmth enveloped them and Apollo looked down to see Klavier's hands carefully encasing his own. Glancing up, he could see a troubled sea of emotions over his partner's face, but Klavier nodded, encouraging him on. "He was dead the whole time, Klavier. The whole time." Apollo's voice cracked and his nails dug into his own palms as his fists clenched tightly. "I could have gone back to visit, to see him, but instead, the first time I spoke to him in years was when he was a walking corpse." His breath felt like it was running out, his stomach churned and his throat burned like he'd spent days without food or water, but he couldn't stop. The dam was cracking and more words came spilling out of his mouth. "I was finally letting myself have hope again. I was thinking about Dhurke and Nahyuta and finally being able to see them, spend time with them. We could have some kind of life together, despite it being weird and complicated. I even had the thought that, if I was defending Dhurke, at least we would either go down or succeed together. Even if I died, we'd die alongside each other, unyielding. But I'm still here," he spat, the last two words punching out of him. "I'm here and he's gone and he never had a chance. I never had a fucking chance." He heard a quiet sniffle and straightened up quickly to see tears silently cutting tracks down Klavier's face. He was still watching Apollo earnestly and holding his hands, albeit a little tighter now, but his throat bobbed unsteadily as he swallowed and more tears continued to drip off the slope of his jaw. For some reason, seeing Klavier cry quietly while engrossed in his words was the final spark that threatened to blow Apollo apart. "Don't," he said, voice strangled as he felt his eyes sting. "Don't do that, you're gonna make me cry now."
"I'm sorry, schatzi," Klavier sniffed, his voice quiet and surprisingly steady except for the raw edge of tears. "I don't want to take the focus from this, from you, but gott verdammt, you don't deserve this. You're right, it's bullshit and terrible and unbelievable. You've lost so much over the last few years and- it's just so unfair."
Apollo remembered when Clay had passed, not even two years ago. He had felt like his chest was cracked open, his heart viscerally pulled from his chest, leaving an aching void behind. This was worse. He felt like his body was being shredded, stuck in a singular repeating moment of being blown apart and put back together in the same instant. Everything was burning and cold and pain and raw and he felt like the only thing he could do is scream. So he finally did.
"I hate this!" he shouted, tears finally slipping out of his now tightly shut eyes. "Why is this happening to me? I'm so tired! What do I have to do to stop losing everything?" Feeling himself getting hysterical only worsened it, as he realized he needed to get himself under control. Instead, he felt his hands being let go and something firm on each side of his face. Apollo opened his eyes abruptly to see Klavier now on his knees in front of him, cradling Apollo's face in his hands with such a heartbroken expression that Apollo wouldn't be surprised if it mirrored his own.
"It's alright," Klavier whispered, voice catching on itself. "Do whatever you need." At that, Apollo clung to Klavier's shoulders, buried his face in his neck and sobbed. He cried hard, loud, as if expelling something that had invaded his body. Trembling, he grasped so hard onto the back of Klavier's shirt that he could have nearly ripped it. Klavier's arms encircled him in turn, running steady hands over his back. A kiss was pressed to the side of his head so gently that Apollo felt himself ripping apart again. His throat ached from the screaming and crying, mixed in with blubbering half-formed sentences and broken words like "so fucking terrible" and "this sucks" and "it hurts." Every time, Klavier would squeeze him gently with a softly murmured, "I know," or "I'm here."
With his throat raw and exhausted, shuddering from the sobs that wracked his body, Apollo spoke into Klavier's tear stained shoulder in a broken, breathless cry of, "I miss my dad."
"Oh, my darling," Klavier breathed in a whisper, holding Apollo so tightly as if to keep him tethered to earth. Apollo welcomed it, grasping onto him with all his trembling strength. "I know, I know. I'm so so sorry." Apollo hiccuped and made a choking noise, causing Klavier to lean back to inspect him. "Breathe, my love, breathe," he insisted quietly, placing the other hand on Apollo's chest. "I know it feels like your world is ending, but you have to breathe. I'm right here."
Apollo nodded, his face twisted with emotion as he tried to breathe as instructed. His eyes closed and he felt himself gently pitching forward until his forehead came to rest against Klavier's "I'm so tired," he croaked, his face aching from where all his muscles had been drawn tight.
"I know," Klavier murmured, reaching up to take his face into both his cradling hands, thumbs carefully sweeping under his eyes and over his cheeks to wipe his tears away.
Sniffling and forcing himself to breathe evenly, Apollo almost regretted bringing himself out of his hysteria. It brought him back to the full, harsh reality that he was hollow, scraped out by a blunt spoon. Raw, aching, numbing pain consumed him all over again, which of course, brought to mind the next terrible decision he had to make. "We have to talk about- about what's going to happen," he rasped, his voice flatter, defeated, destroyed from sobbing. "Nahyuta asked me to stay and I- I can't leave him-"
"Schatzi, look at me, please." Apollo raised his now very heavy head up to meet Klavier's gaze, achingly attentive and gentle. "You've just had such a long flight and you're dealing with so much. It's time to rest and take care of yourself. Even if it's just for the night, ja?" The tears had stopped flowing, but Klavier's fingers still danced soothingly over his cheeks. "Maybe a shower, but certainly some sleep before we talk any more. Alright?" Finally, Apollo just nodded. "Ok," Klavier breathed, "you take as long as you need, I'll grab some fresh clothes and a towel and-"
"No," Apollo interrupted hoarsely, hand closing around Klavier's wrist as he attempted to stand up. "Could you join me?"
Although it did not wash away everything, the warmth in Klavier's smile smoothed the rough edges that burned so harshly in Apollo's chest. "Of course. I'm here for whatever you need."
For the rest of the night, Apollo felt like he was out of his own body. He stared absently at the wall in the shower as Klavier's fingers carefully massaged shampoo into his hair and rubbed at his tense shoulders. As Klavier gently patted him dry with a towel and grabbed him a glass of water and toothbrush, Apollo accepted it all with a mute nod of thanks. With every occasional check in from Klavier, he could only nod with a quiet, "I'm fine."
By the time they were both showered, dressed and otherwise ready to sleep, Apollo was feeling the yawning maw of that aching feeling threatening to close on him again. It was as if it was lingering in his periphery, ensuring that he acknowledged its existence, but not attacking him directly. He couldn't even enjoy the warmth of the blankets, the comforting contact of Klavier pressed against his back or the peaceful darkness of the bedroom. It all felt disconnected, like this thing was leeching away his tethers to the world and instead making him float in a sea of doubt, fear and sorrow. Apollo's eyebrows pinched in frustration and he clenched his teeth, wishing he could go to sleep and will this turmoil away for just a few hours.
However, as Klavier gently squeezed his arm around Apollo's midsection and pressed a kiss to his shoulder, Apollo forced himself to take a deep breath and let it out completely. Then he did it again. And again. Slowly, the tension in his body started to unravel itself and he heard Klavier hum behind him as Apollo laid his arm overtop of the one already wrapped snugly around him. Even without any words at all, he could practically hear Klavier's thoughts:
It's going to be ok.
I'm here for you.
Whatever tomorrow brings, we will face it together.