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His stomach churned with hunger, the armor racks preventing him from satisfying it. Two players named Flankee and Cow stood behind the glass, saying something to him. It seemed they were taking revenge on him for losing the former's mace when they were teammates on one of the servers. It felt like a hundred lifetimes ago. He couldn't remember what he was thinking then. Not that he thought it was stupid, but he... he couldn't remember what he was like before. Before meeting him...
Even now, as he himself was on the brink of death, he couldn't tear his eyes away from the chat, afraid that at any second a specific death message would appear there. Cow demanded that he return everything they had lost because of him. Sharpness promised he would. Perhaps he would have kept his promise, or at least tried, but the fateful text appeared in the chat, announcing:
JudeLow was slain.
Again. He froze. Again. Again, that emptiness consuming their home, poisoning it from within. The torch, with smoldering ash like the one that filled Sharpness's lungs, would never be lit again. The machines would remain untouched or destroyed by their owner's passing. No one in this world would ever call his name the way he did; no more late-night gatherings when they were both so tired they became sincere; no one would ever remind him to take breaks during sparring or to braid his hair; no one would water the flowers in the vase—the only decoration their home had.
I wonder why. Why do you die in every world? Why do I have to watch this every damn time? Why can't you just listen to me so we could both be safe? Why do we always pick flowers only to let them wilt?
Sharpness couldn't answer these questions. The next time someone came to their base, they wouldn't find Sharpness there. After all, he'd long since been searching for a new server. Searching for Jude. And that meant, in this world, he'd be dead.
***
The hybrid's fingers gently combed through Sharpness's blond locks, who sat at his feet. "You haven't been keeping an eye on them since I last saw you, have you?" Jude winced slightly, picking small twigs and dried leaves from his hair. Sharpness's hairstyle looked as if he'd spent days running through the forest, deliberately choosing the path with the most obstacles. "You always did a better job of it..." And yet, Jude couldn't help but notice that the braid holding his hair had somehow remained intact. He glanced at the elastic band, and a memory entered his mind. "Haven't you braided your hair since we last met?!" "No," the blond man shrugged and turned his head to the side, hoping to see Jude's face. The hybrid noticed the ghost of a peaceful smile on his lips. "You're such an idiot." "You know how to braid your own hair, even if it's shit..." His fingers ran through the strands, untangling what a normal person would never dare call a braid. "It was all I had left after you. Again..."
I'm sorry I died.
Again.
I'm sorry I didn't save you.
Some phrases were buried forever, stuck somewhere in the throat, their hope of being spoken abandoned. This was their fate.
Jude continued to tidy Sharpness's tangled hair, ignoring the slight tremor in his hands, grateful that Sharpness couldn't see his face, and Sharpness continued to enjoy it. Continued to live.
Peace. After weeks of searching, he had finally found it again. As he had long since realized, for peace of mind, all he needed was Jude's warm hands, carefully braiding the blond strands, and his steady breaths. Or, at least, only the latter.
***
I love your smile. Your laugh makes me feel alive. And when you laugh at my jokes, it makes me feel needed. I love your friendly nudges on the shoulder or your soft half-hugs. I love the way you tell everyone you're not touchy, even though we both know it's not true. I don't remember when it started, but your touch says more than you think. It speaks of trust, affection, and sympathy. Some even call it the language of love. I don't mind if that's true, even if I've never told you so directly. I'm sorry. I know that would ruin everything.
I have always said and will continue to say that I hate you when you try to piss me off. Your fake traps, built only to catch me off guard and make my heart beat twice as fast, remind me of those rare moments on dark nights when your voice loses its cheerfulness and volume, replaced by a calm and viscous – tired timbre. Because that, too, makes my heart beat faster. One day I will tell you about this... One day. Sometimes it seems like you've known for a long time.
Your eyes can glow in the dark, did you know? I didn't, the first time it happened. It scared the crap out of me, but then your laughter ran along the cold stone walls. Your bright purple pupils stared at me, grinning. Of course, their brightness was barely enough to illuminate your face. But it was enough for me to notice a smile. I like your eyes.
I adore your bunny ears. It's my weakness, which you've exploited more than once. I allowed you to exploit it. You could have done this to me a thousand more times, and I wouldn't have minded. You're sweet when you think I don't see how much you enjoy it when I touch them. You blush, but you don't admit it. You joke around, but you don't believe it. Sometimes you're rude, but I don't hear a drop of anger in your voice.
And again, those eyes look at me, giving no answer to what's going on in your head. It started happening more often, I noticed almost immediately. We'd stare at each other for long periods of time, until someone turned away, realizing what they were doing. Usually it was you. Still, I guess I'm more used to watching. I've observed a lot. Your fascination with a new trap, or your irritation and tireless attempts to clean off clothes that have accidentally gotten redstone stained again.
You flinch every time I approach unnoticed. You're so focused when you're working on designs for new mechanisms. This is my favorite time, because you don't notice my gaze, letting me watch you until the sun gets low enough; you stop seeing the blueprints and turn away to light the torch, noticing that I'm still sitting in the same place I was a few hours ago. I'm having trouble telling if you really don't notice me doing it. I think the way I stare is pretty obvious, but maybe you're just not getting the message. It's okay, you'll understand it sooner or later. Or maybe...You don't need to understand it.
Your ears and nose twitch when you sleep. Your measured breathing soothes me too. Is it strange to watch someone sleeping? Perhaps. What's even stranger is that my gaze seems to be glued to you every time you appear in my field of vision. And when you disappear from it... I stopped remembering what happened in those moments, the memories simply crumble from my memory, like the ceiling of our house. We tried to fix it, but neither of us are good at building bases.
I didn't try to fix my memory, and you didn't even know that you were the cause of its destruction. But that's okay... You deserve to be the reason I lose my mind.
It's very cold here. It's consuming me. I'm so damn cold.
I witnessed your most sincere emotions on that same dark night. Its shroud is wondrous. I love the night, for it reminds me of you. The darkness suits you. It is... inexplicable. It is beautiful. I witnessed your audacity in front of your enemies and your courage in battle, which many would envy, considering that you are not so skilled with a sword. I watched every victory you achieved.
I hardly saw you lose. I tried to help when the situation got out of control. I tried to keep an eye on you in fights, to make sure everything was alright, but your shadow never even flickered in the periphery of my vision, for you were already dead. You die always. Everywhere. Whatever I do, no matter how hard I try, I'm powerless to resist it.
Anger grows within me. At the server, at the other players, at myself, at you. I am sorry. But even it cannot fill the void left by your departure. You are disappearing. You leave me. Again and again, time after time. I told you, I warned you a hundred times. I asked you not to get involved in something you can't handle. I know you're capable of a lot, but not everything! Even I'm not capable of everything. Although, what am I good for if I can't even protect you...
You can leave my life, but you'll never leave my mind. I don't know who will win in the end: you or my obsession with you. Yes, obsession. I can admit it. At least... this. I don't know what to do without you. When you disappear, I no longer know what to do with myself, everything loses its meaning. I stand in our base in silence, and the cold stone walls mock me, whispering our nightly conversations, forcing me to remember. Remember how I failed to save you again. A vase of flowers sits abandoned on our table. I finally remembered to water them. The problem is, there's no point anymore. They've dried out because neither of us remembered sooner. You didn't have time to braid them into my hair like you once wanted. Training becomes a routine, repeated like a mantra day after day. Fights with someone don't bring the same satisfaction or adrenaline rush they once did. Only a small spark flares up in my chest, but it's like an extinguished fire, one that's been trampled on from above. This fire could have burned all the enemies, but now it's just... None.
Gunpowder was settling on his ribs. He wanted to light it to warm himself, but there was nothing. The startled look in purple eyes only made things worse. Pain was reflected on Sharpness's face. "I think I'm close to unraveling their nature," the blond man, squatting in front of Judelow, gently clasped his hands in his lap, saying quietly. The hybrid sat hunched over in his chair, looking as if his world had been turned upside down. Or maybe it had been, Sharpness couldn't tell. This had become normal for him for a long, long time. "They get brighter when you experience some strong emotion. Or so it began to seem to me."
I could lock you away somewhere, depriving you of any chance of escape. But that’s wrong. I know, I know... However... With each death of yours, this idea becomes more and more obsessive. I don’t think it will take me much longer to do it. Will you hate me if I do that?
"Sharp... When... did this start?"— The hybrid felt as if an electric shock struck when he met the gaze of familiar, yet so alien, pale green irises. Yellowish, distantly golden flecks broke through green vines of a dull swamp shade. How many times had those eyes looked at him, while he didn’t notice?
"Since the first time you left me" "When I killed us both?" "No, after. When I told you not to get into that fight. When I asked you to be careful. When you disobeyed me and left. When I realized it was too late... When... you broke your promise"— The blond's pale fingers tightened on his arms, the hybrid's lips formed a thin line. "But you died soon after too. And we met in another world." The suddenly hardened gaze of his purple eyes almost cut his retinas with its bright color. It sounded like an accusation. "I did what was best, and you blame me?"
"How... how many times do you think I died by the enemy's sword?" he tried, but his voice broke on the first word. "Wha- what do you mean?! All those times..." "Jude... I have never died by anyone's hands but my own." The rabbit was silent. The silence was worse than being pierced by a spear. The purple eyes grew brighter. Still, maybe he hadn't made it up. "My world lost value when you died" The hybrid flinched as those same long, pale fingers touched his face, catching a tear halfway down his cheek. Jude was shaking, and he realized it only now. Sharpness's other hand was still touching his own, resting on his knee. Sharp's fingers were icy and slightly calloused. He still didn't remove his hand. Jude tried to pull away, and when he did, Sharpness's eyes widened for a moment, then drooped, his lips forming a thin line. As if he'd made a mistake that had ruined everything, and now he regretted it. And perhaps the hybrid regretted it too. A lot.
"You are my world, Jude," the confession, or the closest he could come to it.
"Sharpness," his full name, jarringly harsh. He preferred the more familiar, short, quiet "Sharp." His head fell back onto their entwined hands in Jude's lap.
“I’m sorry...”
What was he apologizing for?
The dehydrated flowers were dying in the vase.
The blond man stood slowly, causing Judelow to shrink back into his chair. Then, he pulled him along with him, enveloping him in an embrace. It wasn’t their first embrace within the stone walls of the house, softly lit by the torches, but this time it felt different. It felt strange and wrong.
Why won’t you hug me back?
His hands tightened on the hybrid’s back, while the other’s limbs hung limply at his sides. “Sharp... let me go."
No.
“Sharp, you’re hurting me...”
“Sharp, you’re hurting me.”
“Don’t whine. Pain is an integral part of training. You’ll have to accept it. I merely hit you with an axe. It doesn’t compare to the cruelty of your traps.”
“Fair enough.” "But you can't complain, I could kill you in every one of them," he reminded him, as the blond man had fallen into them countless times, even though the dispensers at the bottom weren't loaded with instant-damage potions. Sharpness froze.
His grip tightened, squeezing the more frail body in his grip.
"Don't."
"Just kidding. Who's going to train me then?"
"Jude, I know you could... Seriously, don't." He approached him, but the rabbit stepped back.
"Don't whine. Checking traps is an essential part of my job." A smile broke on his lips, but it didn't reach his bright purple eyes. Sharpness wondered if they glowed in the dark.
They stood there for several minutes, like an ice sculpture telling some unknown story with a tragic ending. But when Sharpness's grip weakened and his hand reached for his trembling ears, Judelow pushed him away so hard that he lost his balance and fell backwards, knocking over the chair with him. Sharpness didn't know what was more shocking: the force behind the action or the fact that the hybrid's eyes had turned black.
"You're hurting me!"
"Jude. I hurt you hundreds of times during our sparring sessions and you didn't care. The pain you speak of isn't physical. And that's why you care about it... "
It's time to accept it...
"You nearly strangled me, jerk." "I know you, Judy... Your eyes tell me so much,"— Oh , how I love them.
"Shut up and don't call me that," the hybrid blinked rapidly, breathing heavily and covering his eyes with his hand. The purple pupils stood out even more against the black background.
***
Far beyond the main server, a castle towered. It wasn't like all the other majestic castles. It was small, no taller than a tropical tree, almost resembling a church if not for the black, with occasional touches of purple, color of which it was constructed. The average passerby wouldn't have paid it much attention, especially seeing how empty it was, and anyone else wouldn't have ventured into such a suspicious structure in the middle of the forest. Inside, there was only a single open book on a table with an incomprehensible, undecipherable code.
Sharpness wasn't an average passerby, so he made this building his home, replacing all the purple details, like the windows, with red ones and discarding the incomprehensible note in the center. When he did this, he didn't yet know what lurked beneath this church. He didn't know that from the depths of the forest, the bright purple eyes he'd seen before were watching him, amused by how easily a swordmaster had chosen to make some random, ominous castle, its peaks resembling stalagmites, his base, unfazed by the strange book or the fact that the place looked as if no human had set foot there in decades. He had no idea that one day the church floorboards would collapse, dragging him underground. Sharpness didn't know that directly beneath his home, the home he'd claimed for himself, lay an entire civilization, an entire army. And its ruler was the one he'd least expected to see here. Smiling purple eyes met his confused, pale green ones. This was the one who had killed them both in the previous world. The bunny hybrid hadn't strangled him in the trap below. He hadn't killed him in them since. Sharpness chuckled; he'd never imagined that avoiding death in a trap was as simple as getting close to the server's lead trapper, who didn't want him dead—at least, not anymore.
Everything changed rather abruptly. There he was, now the commander of his army of faceless and nameless ones, sitting in Jude's room, untangling the tiny tangles of fur on the hybrid's ears, while the rabbit melted from the sensation. Someone knocked on the door, and Sharpness realized there was already a space of five feet between them. Jude allowed them in, gesturing for Sharp to get up from the floor, and the next moment, the blond man watched as the hybrid followed the scientist and his protégé. Snatches of conversations about traps set around the perimeter and new ones being built reached him before the door slammed shut.
But then I realized something. I realized it when you whispered to me in chat, "Sorry, we'll continue later." I realized it when you came back and, oh god, the way those eyes looked back... You like my attention.
"You like my attention"
"I need to make more traps"
You deny it. And then you stand and wait. And I say the words you want to hear:
"I can help you"
I'm telling them only so you'll refuse me, smiling mockingly:
"Sharp, you'll mess everything up again. Redstone mechanisms are too complex for you.
"You don't believe in me!"
"And I believe in myself, too. Bye!"
A random memory popped into his head. Maybe it was from that world, or maybe from another. There were many worlds. Sharpness didn't count, because he saw no point. He didn't want to count how many mistakes he'd made. Or was it all just one? He didn't know. He goddamn didn't know that much. He didn't know that Jude was going to personally participate in the war; he thought he'd only give orders, as he'd promised. Sharpness didn't know that the hybrid would give up everything to win it, that he'd go to the end. The swordmaster had no idea that breaking his promise would be so easy for Judelow.
They were sitting in that very church. The hybrid's hands carefully combed through the swordmaster's locks, burying themselves in them and gratifyingly brushing his scalp with his nails. He wanted his army's general to look incomparable in his war. He wanted his general looked stunning in battle. They initially considered braiding flowers into his hair, but they agreed that their bright petals would interfere with his hiding place in the dense forest. The collected flowers were placed in a vase on the table. Someone suggested that they remember to water them when they returned victorious.
Instead, Jude braided vines into his hair. They formed wavy lines, intertwining with light, yellowish strands. Jude thought it suited Sharpness's eyes very well. In fact, it looked terrible; there was no point in pretending that a random vine plucked from a tree would look beautiful in someone's hair. It was impossibly stupid. They decided to make matters worse by trying to braid the remains into Jude's hair, ultimately failing to do so without them getting in the way. Having abandoned the idea, they laughed at the absurdity of their doing, but Sharpness couldn't help but catch that sparkle in the purple eyes. He seemed to have frightened it away when he stated the obvious.
"I'm so glad I met you! I feel like I never did before—more comfortable... It almost feels like... home?... This is something new for me..." Judelow froze, stopping laughing and staring off into space. His eyes instantly turned black, ready to reject an innocent heart. Sharpness didn't notice, too immersed in his feelings, which shouldn't have been rushed. He didn't know then that he should have been much more careful. "I've had many friends and fleeting acquaintances across worlds, but with you, everything is different. More.. special..."
"Yeah..." Jude whispered. The blond's eyes darted across the floor, a pinkish tint tracing across the tips of his ears and cheekbones, but it quickly vanished when Sharpness finally dared to meet the hybrid's gaze again. His eyes had always been unusual. Special.
"What... What's wrong with your eyes?!" "Nothing. It... happens sometimes."
"Jude..." The blond man tried to grab him by the shoulders, but the hybrid pulled away. Sharpness watched with concern as he blinked rapidly, something slowly dawning on him. With solid evidence, he could no longer deny it. Jude lay down on the ground with a long, irritated sigh and pressed his fingertips to his eyes. Sharp sat there, unsure of what to do, unsure of when it had happened. At least now he was sure it hadn't been a hallucination, the brief glimpses he'd caught of the hybrid's eyes turning black. The puzzles gradually came together as Jude's rapid breathing returned to normal. His eyes changed every time he experienced internal conflict. Sharpness smiled meekly, a slightly faded smile, and couldn't resist saying softly, sincerely believing the hybrid only needed a gentle nudge in the right direction: "After the war... Just come back to me."
If he'd said "home," "to the flowers," "to what we used to do," "to your civilization"—anything but that "to me"—maybe Judelow would have done it. "I will" he said, a promise he'd been about to break a hundred times. And hate himself for it.
Naive eyes and open heart didn't yet know they'd ruined everything. He didn't know that getting through to Judelow was practically impossible.
***
Sharpness watched the snow melt quickly in his palms. Flakes landed on his blond hair, instantly dissolving, leaving the strands wet. Snow fell on purple hair and didn't melt. Nature wrapped their bodies in white cotton wool, and only Sharpness's silhouette remained visible, bending over his laying friend. Here, in the church with its collapsed ceiling and rubble all around, their story began. A sculptor's original concept, but with a predetermined message. How long had he sat here? Time seemed frozen. His hands froze on Jude's body, afraid to move. Afraid to let go. Something new—a feeling he had never experienced before—was creeping inside. Sharpness fought it, but it wouldn't go away. Finally, as night gave way to a new day, he realized something. To hell with this unstable universe. He would find a new one. He would find him again. It was possible, he knew, at least he knew that much, because he had managed to find him here. The blond wandered through worlds, letting that feeling consume him more and more, until reality began to distort with thoughts. It intertwined with others, mixing this poisonous cocktail into something more than just a single feeling.
He prayed to find him, to bring back their nights, their teasing, their conversations, their flowers, and perhaps to finally confess.
He didn't know there was no God, and the church walls with their red-violet windows didn't listen to his prayers.
***
They were sitting on the floor again. There were no remains of the old church or the rustling of the forest around them, only the distant clicking of redstone, the crackling of torches, and Jude's quiet sobs, buried in Sharpe's neck. Long fingers tangled in the purple strands, brushing against his ears. The bunny was trembling. "What do you want from me, Sharp..."
Stop resisting. Let yourself be happy. Let yourself be with me. I want you to stay safe. With me. I want to hear that you love me too... or at least that you'll let me love you...
“Stop running.” “I’m not running.” “You break your promise time and time again.” Judelow pulled back, his eye sockets still black and shiny with tears. A crooked smile spread across his lips. The sculptor’s hand visibly trembled as he made it. “What promise?” His ears stretched out as if on a string. Something inside finally broke. He doesn’t remember… Sharpness felt nausea rising in his throat. He doesn’t even remember…
“Your promise, given to me as a friend. You promised that you would come back to me.”
“Sharpness. We were never friends.” The blond man grabbed him by the shoulders. Jude might as well have hit him in the ribs with a mace. “What… do you mean…?” He tightened his grip, holding the hybrid in place. Judelow chuckled nervously, ruffling his hair as he pushed him away again. “We’re anything but friends, Sharpness!”
My hands raked the damp earth, and I finally realized you were partly right. As you said, we were never friends. We were... something... I just can’t understand. You constantly contradict yourself, and your eyes... I believe you said that simply out of anger and damned stubbornness... You were scared. Your ears were trembling, and your heart was beating impossibly fast. I felt it in that brief moment when you allowed me to comfort you and share some of your pain. For a moment, I thought everything had returned to normal, but... Our happiness didn’t last long. My happiness only had a few minutes left.
My memories are already starting to crumble. I’ll let this happen, because I don’t want to remember what happened. You’re right, our relationship can’t be described in a single word. A mistake?.. When we first met, you killed us both. I could have taken revenge, I had to take revenge, but... Something inside me stopped my sword halfway. I fell into a trap, the scale of which I didn't even realize. Along with you. The difference is that I realized it and redesigned its mechanism. But you... You denied it from the very first day. Just like today.
Was what I did a mistake? I don't think so. This is all your fault.
You never appreciated anything I did for you. Never understood why I objected to the idea of you spending too much time with your “friends.”
"You blackmailed everyone I interacted with, you threatened them and me, you scared everyone away from me, and I’m sure you even killed them!" "Because you’re an idiot who risks your life like it means nothing"
"It means nothing… Sharpness. We’re practically immortal. You die and choose another dimension! I’ve never sought to stay in any of them for long. It’s boring". "Boring? You died just because you were bored?..Okay, your life means nothing to you, but what about me? My words meant nothing to you either…"
"No. You could find me again. It was fun to watch". "You’re lying". "It’s true, Sharpness. I'm sorry if she wasn't what you imagined". "Stop it. You're afraid to admit it. Are you saying I imagined all your words? All your touches, all your looks?
"What looks? They're just damn eyes. You can't see anything in them." "They would be just eyes if they weren't yours. They grow brighter every time I get close enough to you" There was no need to check, he had proven it to himself and to him a hundred times, even if he didn't say it directly. "It happens when I touch you, your ears, your hands, your face, your neck"— the hybrid pushed him away, turning away, but Sharpness didn't let him go this time, grabbing his arm. Maybe this was the moment the sculptor smashed his creation because he didn't like it. This was clearly a moment Sharpness wouldn't want to remember.
A mistake. It's so easy to do. You never know what even the slightest action will entail, or whether it will turn into a disaster. And when you're a sculptor, any careless touch can be irreversible.
Was it my blocking the exit or my continuing to insist that triggered the hybrid? Tombstone won't answer me.
"Tell me. Why don't they change when Shadow or Parker do the same? Why don't you let them touch you anywhere except your arms and shoulders? When Shadow wanted to hug you, you threatened to cut off his arms. I almost carried out that threat once, but he managed to escape... But then he and Parker finally stopped pretending." "Why was that necessary? What do you mean pretending? They were sincere with me!"
"You think that because you couldn't see it from the outside. But I could. I made sure they didn't hurt you before." "They were my friends!"
“Okay,” a frighteningly soft smile spread across his lips. “Where were they when you needed help? Any of them?” “They’re trappers, not fighters, and they couldn’t do anything.” “So you could? Alone.” Jude fell silent. True, because he knew he couldn’t. “I was the only one who didn’t leave, Jude. Who will you have left if I’m gone?
Who will love you if not me? And how long will it take to hammer that into your undoubtedly brilliant, but sometimes so stupid head?”
“Okay, but then who will you have left if I’m gone?” Again. The last word would echo in his head for a long time, like the wet sound of the blade piercing flesh. No one had ever seen a sword master cry, not even Judelow. But now those same flowers from the vase, finally opening their petals near a handful of earth, watched as two crystal tears rolled down his cheeks and shattered on the ground.
Who was responsible for Sharpness's sword becoming stained with the hybrid's crimson blood, emerging from the other side of his torso?
We both held onto that sword, but the harder I pulled the hilt, the deeper the blade cut into your palms, guiding it into your own chest. Once again, you chose death over acceptance. I know you have feelings for me too, I'm sure of it. I will help you accept them, no matter the cost...
The artist noticed a painfully familiar, crooked smile on his lips. It lacked three-dimensionality to be identical to the other.
He won't die again. I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure of him...
Obsidian walls, pistons, and armor struts. Wool, a fence, and everything he'd seen the hybrid use in its mechanisms. A small window for passing food, lava all around to retain heat. Flowers. There might be several layers of obsidian... How much would be enough to hold him? And would obsidian be enough? He would think of something bigger, something better, something that would make Judelow stay. He would tame a small wild bunny, putting it in a cage, he would keep it alive, but... Was he willing to sacrifice trust, love, and happiness for this?
Sharpness took his own sword, still gleaming with not-quite-dried blood, and without hesitation, plunged it into his own heart.
Don't be afraid, I will find you again, Jude.