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Sirius was currently lying in bed, unable to sleep. He woke up from a bad dream regarding some sort of old fight with Regulus. His skin was hot and sweaty, and he stared up at the ceiling trying to make the pit in his stomach go away. Remus was sleeping peacefully next to him, and he held onto his hand tightly.
These types of dreams had been amplifying within the past month with the announcement of Regulus’ death. The guilt was eating him alive, and it often chased him into his sleep.
He wishes he could have saved him. He wishes he could have done something more to get him out of that house when he left. But he knew his brother – he didn’t want to, he'd claim, but Sirius knew it was because he was too scared to leave.
Sirius can’t get the idea out of his head. That if he stayed he would have accepted the same fate as his brother. Dead at the hands of a war.
Sometimes the dreams would be him fighting with Regulus. Some would be Sirius witnessing his death. Other times it would be Sirius himself dying in the war, and he’d have to watch Remus hover over his body sobbing. He’d shoot up in an instant, searching for Remus in bed to make sure everything was okay. When he’d get his eyes on him his heart would immediately calm down and he’d be able to relax, slipping under his arm and cuddling next to the other boy.
It felt so cliche when they first got together. Like putting the last piece into a puzzle. An epiphany that happens one random day and then you know this is my soulmate. The I want to spend the rest of my life with you, kind of feeling.
Sirius still remembers the first day he realized he loved Remus as something that wasn’t just friend-like. It was the first day of fifth year and he had been sitting on the train with James and Peter. When Remus walked in it felt like something clicked for the first time. He was taller and broader. His hair was longer and layed across his forehead – it looked so fluffy Sirius wanted to run his fingers through it. The larger face scars he got the previous year had settled to the perfect shade of white, and the way his hands gripped his bag made Sirius jealous of the bag for some reason.
James made a joke and Remus laughed. When Sirius heard the sound it felt like honey, like hearing the best song he’d ever created. The way his eyes creased at the sides made his heart whimper.
He had the classic oh, shit, I fancy my best friend, moment.
From that day on nothing had been the same.
He confessed later that year. It had been an embarrassing mess. Sirius had stumbled over his words and his face was burning so badly you could light a fire with it. Remus took his hands in his and told him he’d fancied him since third year, and that everything was reciprocated.
From that day on they were inseparable. Sure they fought and bickered, but at the end of the day it was all love – would always be love.
There was no feeling better than being loved by Remus. Nothing could compare.
After they graduated from Hogwarts they moved into an apartment with the money Sirius was given in his uncle’s will. The apartment was perfect, and their life together even more so.
Sirius never knew he would want to be a domestic person with a partner. He liked extravagant things, he liked going out, loud music, pranks, adventure. While all of that remains true, there was no better feeling than winding down with the love of his life. There was something about their quiet easy life that made Sirius’ heart swell more than anything else.
He liked learning to cook with Remus and setting the table for 2. Afterwards Remus would do the dishes and Sirius would dry them as they listened to music on their record player. In the winters when it was cold they would snuggle on the couch wrapped in blankets, Remus reading a book and Sirius dozing on his shoulder. In the warmer months they’d open the window and sit on the ledge, looking out at their view and talking about anything they could think of.
When they’d bathe together Remus would massage his hair with shampoo and Sirius would purposefully rile him up by rubbing body wash over him slowly. They’d climb into bed together, tucking themselves under the sheets and sharing each other’s warmth. Sirius would lay his head on his chest and Remus would run fingers through his hair. They’d whisper sweet nothings and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
In the morning they’d wake up slowly, kiss slowly, touch slowly, appreciate being together fully. One would make a move to get up (usually Remus), and the other would whine and pull them back into bed (usually Sirius – but when it was the other way around Sirius would go crazy for it). They’d make tea and peel tangerines, enjoying them in their kitchen while they read over the Daily Prophet. Then they’d get ready, kiss more, and head to work through the floo together.
The life they share is a good life. Greater than Sirius could ever have hoped for. Being with Remus over the years has healed even the worst of Sirius’ wounds. The same went for Remus.
They cared, trusted, and loved each other. Everything that was his felt like theirs.
Being with him was like healing the deepest parts of himself he tried very hard to lock away. It was like finally being able to be a kid again without the fear of being perfect for the people who love you. He never had to be perfect with Remus. He saw all his flaws and accepted them unconditionally.
Sometimes it was hard to verbalize the way he felt for Remus – it was engraved so deeply in his bones it was simply part of him. It was too hard to describe, only something someone would be lucky enough to feel. Sirius, thankfully, was lucky enough to feel it.
He could be with Remus for a thousand years and it still wouldn’t be enough time with him. He could spend his entire life getting to know Remus and he’d still ask the Gods selfishly for more. He never wants to know life without him.
He was relieved he never had to be perfect with Remus, because during nights like this when he’d get nightmares he didn’t have to be worried about judgement or lack of comfort.
“Siri?” Remus whispered sleepily from beside him.
“Mm, hi baby.” Sirius responded, looking away from the ceiling and to his side where Remus laid.
He was perfect, with his messy bedhead and the minimal light from their window reflecting on his face. It illuminated his structured face beautifully, and Sirius reached out his hand and pressed his palm to his cheek softly.
“Why’re you up?” He slurred, blinking quickly and heavily – obviously trying to wake himself up quicker.
“Bad dream again. It’s okay though, I'm alright.”
Remus slowly turned to his other side to get his wand from the nightstand, casting Lumos over their bed. It was dim, but just enough for them to see each other fully.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“You’re sweet. It’s okay, it’s very late.”
“No, no,” he slightly whines while he props himself up on the bed, “I’m up if you’re up.”
“It was just about Regulus again. Idiot won’t leave my head.” Sirius sighs.
Remus holds his arms out, gesturing for Sirius to climb in them. He does, resting his head on his chest and Remus snakes his arms around his body, pulling him in close and squeezing.
“He say anything different this time in it?”
“No, just the usual this is your fault because you left, spiel.”
Remus kisses the top of Sirius’ head. “Which you know isn’t true, yes?”
“Yeah, I know.” Sirius says quietly. He pauses to think and says, “I just feel so guilty.”
“I know, I’m sorry Pads. I can’t imagine how hard that is.” He massages his hand through his hair, and Sirius closes his eyes at the feeling, nuzzling himself further into his chest. “You’re allowed to feel guilty, but it is not your fault at all. Don’t get those two feelings mixed up, okay?”
“I know, I’ll try. I’ve just been missing him a lot recently.”
“You’re allowed to miss him as much as you want or need to. Even with everything that happened.” His hand slows in his hair and he places another kiss to his hairline.
“Thanks Re.” He says, closing his eyes and smiling fondly.
“I’m proud of you.”
“For what?”
“Everything. Being able to handle it. I know it’s not easy.”
“It’s easier with you here.”
You make it easier.
“I’m happy I help but either way I’m incredibly proud. I’m happy you let me in to help.”
Sirius’ eyes start to water as he smiles through an “I love you.”
Remus turns quickly in the bed, propping an arm up and hovering over Sirius’ face. He leans down and presses a sweet kiss to his lips, and all of his worries melt away.
He pulls away and starts planting quick kisses all over Sirius’ face, not missing a single spot. His cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his chin, then back to his lips. He wraps his arms around Remus’ neck and Sirius can’t help but chuckle.
“I love you too.” Remus says repeatedly between some of the quick kisses.
He pulls away, propping himself with his left arm and bringing his right to cup Sirius’ face. His hair falls over his forehead and his scars glow in the soft light. His lips twitch up into a smile as he looks down at Sirius, and his eyes crinkle on the sides like they did the first time Sirius noticed him romantically.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
He really looks at me like this.
“I love the way you look at me.” Sirius says, bringing his arm to hold the one Remus is using to cup his face. Remus rubs his thumb up and down Sirius’ cheekbone affectionately.
“Good thing I love to look at you.” He says, lowering and planting a kiss on his nose. “You’re so pretty.”
“Thanks baby,” he smiles. “Wanna go to bed?”
“Only if you do.”
“I do.”
“Then we’ll sleep – and if you need anything you get me up, okay?”
“I will. Promise.”
Sirius feels himself ease looking at Remus, and they both smile at one another while they lean in for another kiss. It’s slow and comforting, and Sirius kisses him until he’s laying back on his side and pulling himself up onto Remus’ chest.
They break apart and Sirius places another quick peck to his lips before nestling into his neck. Remus wraps an arm around his back and Sirius tangles his leg in with Remus’, bringing him even closer.
“I love you.” Sirius says.
“I love you too, Pads. G’night.”
“Goodnight Moony.”
He fits so comfortably on Remus’ side, on his lips, in his bed. Remus plants a kiss on the side of Sirius’ face, and Sirius can’t think of anywhere he’d rather be in the world than right there.