Chapter Text
I'm so afraid, it's written all over my face
They might see it plainly in the lingering gaze, oh
The wind howls through the tiny gaps in her dorm room windows. Rain starts to batter the windows so hard she’s worried it might actually crack the glass. And through it all, Haewon sleeps like a baby on the bed below her. The occasional snores and murmurs in her sleep calm the thumping of her heart just a little.
A flash of lightning strikes, and she can’t help the little whimper that she lets out. It feels almost pathetic, but part of her hopes Haewon would just wake up. She lies there a while longer, eventually deciding that she should just put her earphones in and throw the blanket over her head. The soft blanket wraps her in a haze, warm and slightly smelling of her roommate's perfume from earlier when they’d watched a movie wrapped in it, together. It’s almost safe enough for her guard to come down, but she somehow can’t bring herself to close her eyes. She’ll regret it tomorrow, but knows her eyes will stay open until the storm subsides.
“Lily?”
She feels as if she’s imagining it until Haewon rips the blanket off her and she can see her lips moving. Her long, black hair cascades around her shoulders, eyes piercing even in the little light her phone screen provides. She reaches up and pulls one earphone from her ear, putting it in her own.
“You’re fidgeting,” Haewon says as she settles beside her.
There’s barely enough room, and she’s hyper-aware of every single point where Haewon’s body is touching hers. But the warmth comes from more than that, because somewhere deep in her chest, she knows Haewon knows about her fear. And she loves her even more for the way she doesn’t say anything about it, just links their hands together as she closes her eyes. Lily’s playlist is in both of their ears, but all she focuses on is Haewon. She eventually falls asleep to the sound of her even breathing next to her.
She dreams of her roommate's arms around her, holding her together as her body quakes with fear. And just as she relaxes into it, letting herself believe it’s finally happening, she wakes up. Haewon’s already gone, and the ghost of her touch follows her around for the rest of the day.
~
“Unnie, why do you look like you didn’t sleep at all?”
“Because I barely did.”
It’s deadpan, and she really doesn’t usually warrant Jinsol’s teasing without anything but the same happy-go-lucky energy. But today she can’t, not when she’s watching Haewon eat with a group of older students, laughing as she tells her silly jokes. As if Haewon didn’t crawl into her bed last night, holding her hand so tenderly as she lulled her to sleep. She gets it, obviously. Haewon is a part of their project, but still.
“Unnie! Stop,” Haewon shrieks.
Their whole table turns to look, then, finding Jihyo and Jeongyeon eyeing their table. Soon enough, they’re walking over - Chaeryeong and Yeji too, with Haewon trailing behind like a little obedient puppy. Lily feels her spirits rising just at the cute sight.
“Hi,” Jeongyeon starts, “We wondered if you want to eat with us?”
“She meant, could we join you?” Jihyo clarifies.
And Jinsol, in an act Lily can’t actually be mad at her for, nods and slides down the bench to allow the others to sit. Who wouldn’t say yes to the most popular seniors on campus?
Haewon is sheepish, smiling down at her food as she sits across from Lily. The air around her heats up, or maybe it’s just radiating from the blush on Haewon’s cheeks. As always, Lily can feel her without ever needing to touch.
“So, how’s the project going?” Jinsol asks.
And chaos ensues. Jihyo launches into a discussion about Chaeryeong trying to teach Jeongyeon how to do the splits and how she ended up splitting her track pants. All along, Yeji and Jeongyeon cackle, but Lily only watches Haewon.
She’s so pretty today; her hair is braided because she likes it out of the way when she has a lot of dance practice. And though she’s wrapped in a loose, grey windbreaker, she can see the practical outfit underneath. Practical and hot, because of course Haewon still finds time to work out in the midst of her busiest ever college schedule. The sports bra gives her a perfect view of the muscle definition, which would be the bane of her existence if she didn’t enjoy ogling her so much. Haewon has caught her a million times, but never says a word. Never.
Anyway, back to her roommate, who laughs along and comments at the right moments, clear that she was actively involved in all these little anecdotes. Where she’d taken everything in stride since leaving high school, taking extra classes and earning the respect of the older students surrounding them right now, Lily had found herself shrinking into herself. And she’d hate it if only she didn’t truly want the best for Haewon. If this makes her happy, Lily is happy for her, even if it means less time together. It doesn’t mean she isn’t somehow always present. Her lyrics are all about Haewon. Her covers are emotional because she’s thinking about Haewon. Her grades are slipping just a little in their music theory class because she can’t stop staring at Haewon. Jinsol has to poke her in the leg a million times, and she’s thankful for it. It’s not that she’s afraid of Haewon knowing- she’s pretty sure that to Haewon she looks like she’s in a glass closet - she knows just knows that she’s not ready for the rest of the world to know.
She can’t quite get over the fact that Haewon still chooses to spend time with her, even as all of these cool, popular unnies actively seek her out. Maybe she feels like a loser, and maybe she still dares to want more. But the moment they left high school, she could feel her chances of ever telling Haewon just how much she’s in love with her slipping away. And it’s not like Haewon has ever said anything even close to alluding to the elephant in the room anyway.
Jinsol kicks her leg under the table, a calm and measured motion to snap her back to attention before she slips further into her mind. And it had been a moment of weakness, really, that she’d confessed her deepest secret to the woman across from her. They’d met at the start of the year, and since then, somehow she’d divulged not only her biggest secret but also her most embarrassing childhood and teenage stories. But it’s not like she didn’t share too. And she’s thankful that someone as sweet as Jinsol chose to stick around and save her many, many times.
Maybe it’s her turn to kick her under the table, because Yoona walks right up to the table without a second thought for Jinsol’s sanity - Lily knows she knows exactly what she’s doing, but the two of them are brave in a way she never is.
“Hi,” Yoona says, making sure to bow at the sight of the older students, “Coffee date, Jinnie?”
They’re not subtle, but they’re also not official. Lily thinks that maybe they should be. But this is South Korea. Maybe it’s getting more progressive, but there is still a long way to go. Being gay isn’t a choice, but being openly gay is a choice (or at least it should be). And not everyone is going to accept that.