Chapter Text
"Coward."
I heard those words whenever I ran.
Whenever I couldn't handle the pressure inside, I distanced myself away from those who harmed me.
But no matter how far I ran, no matter the place I'm in. I still hear them, I still see them.
"That's what you are."
Those same words would haunt me for the rest of my life, I still see their fiery gazes on me from the other's whenever I walked. Whenever someone smiled at me, I feel as if they were mocking me. They were never laughing with me, they always laughed at me.
That's what it is, that's what I accept.
To be jester among the crowd of people, to entertain them until they're pleased.
Is that my worth in this world?
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It's been an eternity. That damned school squeezed every bit of my soul away, and they expect me to be able to carry on as if nothing happened? What am I? A Robot? An Obedient Machine that must endure everything while receiving nothing?
I can't look at anyone in the eye, anymore. Those gazes still followed me, I still see those faces in my peripheral vision. I can't trust anyone, at this point.
I see it in them.
No matter how kind they act, no matter how much times I gaslighted myself to believe in such things. I know deep down, it's only because of pity, never do they truly consider me as a friend.
Nor as an equal.
I stopped running, but nothing will change. I could still see those scars on body, I could still feel the injury within my soul. I must mask my fear, I must mask my emotion. Because all of those are only seen as weakness, it all must be superficial else they'll see through me.
And call me by what I am.
"Coward."
Nothing else.
Whenever I hear whispers of my colleagues, I hear every laughter behind every word. Everytime I've been congratulated by my work, it always feels like sarcasm. It feels like a joke to them, and the mockery cannot stop.
The words inside my head tell me to run, tell me to escape from this place. But I can't, I know must face my fears. But it's too much, no one truly understands what it feels to be in the bottom.
That's why it felt so hard to sympathize with any of my colleagues, at every point in my life. Whenever they cried, I only watched in silence. Whenever they cheered, I only watched in silence. And whenever they're angry? I sat there and took all of the blame while staying silent.
I know the problem.
It's me.
Little old me all along.
That's the problem.
Why did they cry? I stood there.
Why did they cheered? I wasn't there.
Why did they get angry? I wasn't silent enough.
That's who I am.
That's what infuriates me to the living core.
I can't live on being a laughing stock to anyone, anymore.
I must act.
"They have taken everything from you, it's time to take something from them."