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Lying: fundamentally bad, or justifiable?, I write on the chalkboard of my philosophy class.
“Alright, guys, I want you to come up with a response for this question tonight. It can be short, just come up with a response and a justification. We’ll take it up in depth tomorrow,” I tell them.
One of my most eager students raises his hand. “Mr. Grace?”
“Yes, Tommy?”
“Tomorrow is Saturday.”
I let out a breath. “Right. Okay, we’ll take it up on Monday.”
The bell rings. “Have a good weekend!”
Tommy waits until the class has cleared up before approaching me. “So, Mr. Grace. When d’ya think you’ll have our tests marked?”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “Didn’t I already tell you I’d mark them over the weekend?”
He grins sheepishly. “Sorry, Mr. Grace.”
I smile at him. “No worries. I should have them for Monday. Now, go have lunch with your friends.”
Tommy salutes and runs off.
As soon as the door closes, my perfect posture falls back into a slouch. I grab my now-cold mug of coffee and take a long sip.
I exit the classroom, locking it behind me, and head down the hall to the teachers lounge.
“Jace!” Piper calls as I enter the room.
I grab my sandwich from the barely cool fridge and sit beside her. “How was your morning?”
She groans. “You do NOT want to know the amount of kids who submitted a paper without paragraphing. I genuinely don’t even want to look at these, they’re abhorrent.”
I laugh at her. “C’mon, Pipes, you love your English students.”
Piper sighs. “Yeah, I do.” She grabs half of my sandwich as the rest of the teachers slowly filter in.
My other best friend, Leo, strides in and grabs the chair across from us, completing our little group. “Wassup?”
I glance over at him for a second, and when I look back Piper is giving me a look.
“Dude, please tell me you don’t teach your classes like that,” Piper says, munching on a carrot. “You’d fail my course.”
He snorts. “Hell no. Only y’all get super epic Leo, they all get cool Mr. Valdez.”
“Yeah, sure,” I remark.
“Oh, shut up, Grace,” he replies. “You only get the smart guys in your freaking morality classes.”
“They’re philosophy and ethics classes, thank you very much,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“More importantly, did Leo just say ‘freaking?’” Piper asks. “He’s been teaching too long, we gotta get him out.”
Leo perks up, his face brightening at the idea. “I was going to argue, but a break sounds good.”
“I’m busy this weekend,” I object. “I have to mark my classes’ tests or my kids will kill me.”
“Surely you’re not going to mark all weekend,” Piper protests.
Leo jolts back in shock, affronted. “Piper, we need to save him.”
She nods solemnly. “I’ll send you guys the plan tonight.”
Attempting to change the topic, I ask Leo if he (for once) brought a lunch with him, already knowing the reply.
He grins awkwardly at me. “I was… going to buy one? From the vending machine?” he points to the old black box in the corner.
I raise my eyebrows at him.
He shrugs, smirking at me. I ignore how it makes a dimple appear in his left cheek, making his face perfectly lopsided.
I sigh, grabbing a container out of my lunch bag. I also grab a stack of tests to start marking, and my orange pen. I slide the container across the table to him.
“Dude, I’m fine.”
I give him a look and he grabs it, peeling off the lid.
He gasps. “Oh my god, Jason, I love you.”
I freeze, swallowing hard, ignoring how the words twist my stomach into a knot. “No problem. Knew you wouldn’t bring anything.”
It’s Leo’s favourite, or, at least, a simple thing I can cook for him in not much time before work, the specific brand of mac and cheese I always make sure I have in my apartment.
Piper gives me a look, and I ignore them both in favour of opening the first test and uncapping my pen.
I filter out their chatting as best I can as I try to focus on the test in front of me (mainly on trying to decipher Mellie’s handwriting).
“I can’t believe you’re trying to mark on break, dude. Hangout with your besties instead, yeah?” Leo teases me, the glint in his eyes coming out to play.
I feel my phone buzz in my back pocket, and I jerk my gaze away from him to take it out.
Piper:
movie night tonight my place
this isn’t optional
we are going to spill the tea as the kids in my class say
ash you better be proud of me
I shoot her a look. Leo glances between us, confused. I wish I could explain it to him so his deep brown eyes clear, but this is a matter on which he cannot be consulted.
The warning bell for afternoon classes rings.
“Geez, they really don’t give a long enough lunch,” Piper complains
“Maybe we can petition them,” I reply, packing up my bag.
Leo grumbles. “Yeah, they’d listen to us, for sure.”
Piper parts ways with us in the hallway to go to the English hall.
“Okay, Jason,” Leo says as we walk in the hallway.
We’re side by side, but somehow I wish we were closer, I just can’t figure out how. The inches between us feel like a thousand miles.
God, I feel like I’m not even a teacher anymore, just a teenager with a horrible crush.
“Jason, you with me?” he asks.
I shake my head, dispelling the thoughts. “Yes, sorry. What’s up?”
“I never chase people, but… I’d put my crocs in sports mode for you,” he says, with the air of a man stating a very serious claim.
My brows press together. “Leo, what in the world does that mean?”
He smirks at me before walking into his class who all call out greetings.
I roll my eyes fondly, still wondering what that line means as I go to my afternoon chemistry classes.
~~~
“How’re things with Shel?” I ask Piper.
She wags a finger at me. “Oh, don’t you try to get me distracted. Also, they’re great. But you and I both know what we’re here to talk about.”
I grimace. “Do we have to?”
“You. like. Leo,” she states.
I sigh. “Pipes, you’ve known this for longer than I have. This isn’t new.”
“Tell me about him, please. As if I don’t know him,” she commands.
I roll my eyes but oblige. At some point, I stop filtering the words that come out of my mouth. “He… can always make me laugh, and his smile is so bright and infectious. He’s smart and funny, and he’s so beautiful. Everytime I look at him, I want to smile, and I honestly don’t know what to do beside him half the time, I feel like I’m in limbo.”
I can’t help but picture him. I remember when his name changed and hair was cut, when I saw him transform into who he was always meant to be. He was always pretty. He was pretty when he presented as a girl, but now, well.
Now, Leo is absolutely breathtaking. His dark curly hair, the perfect length, just long enough to hang over his forehead and peek out from behind his ears. His eyes, infinitely brighter than before, though still dark as always, the dark brown colouring in them shines through. His constant creations in metal and paper and thought. The way his clothes frame his body, his grease-stained collared shirt always one button open, displaying his neck and collarbone. His smirk and smile and laugh, but mostly when directed at me and me only—
“Jason, just ask him out,” she groans, flopping down on the couch. “You are, as my kids say, ‘down bad.’ Like, so far gone. Head over heels, dude, and you’ve not even kissed the man.”
“I can’t do that!” I protest.
“Oh yeah? And why not?”
“We are coworkers, for one! It’s an absolutely HORRIBLE idea to date your coworkers. Fights and breakups and ugh. And, he doesn’t even like me! C’mon, Pipes, he dated Cally for almost a year and the entire time I liked him so much,” I say, words flowing freely. “I don’t get it, why was it her? She doesn’t deserve him, in all that he is! If he liked me, he would have said something.”
Piper raises an eyebrow. “Jace, have you met the man? If you think he has the guts to ask you out, you’re wrong.”
“Not the point,” I argue. “Even if he did, though, he wouldn't, because he doesn’t like me.”
She groans. “You, sir,” she says, pointing the TV remote at me, “are hopeless.”
I sigh. “Yeah. I know.”
“D’you remember when he dated Cally?” she asks while flipping through Netflix.
I suppress a wince. “Sadly.”
Boy, do I remember. The hollowness in my chest, the strange feeling I could not place creeping up my throat when I thought of him with her. I could not place it then, but I can now. Longing.
I’d like to say it’s gone away, or I got over it while he was in a relationship with her, but it wouldn’t be true. The press and twist of my stomach when I’m beside him are still there, desire for him still crawling up my throat when I’m so close to him, yet still so far.
My phone buzzes.
Leo:
my history nerds have given me a list of pickup lines to say to u
this is a warning
i’ll spread them out tho so ur not overwhelmed
;)
I drop my phone onto the couch. He really does everything he can to help me not get over this, not get over him.
“Jace? Still with me, buddy?”
“Leo’s history kids are giving him pickup lines to say to me. He doesn’t even know what he’s doing to me,” I lament.
Piper cocks an eyebrow. “Maybe he does. Maybe that’s the point.”
I roll my eyes, but my phone buzzes again. I don’t look.
“C’mon, dude, you have to look. Tell me what it says,” she pleads.
I look at my phone, the small black letters twisting my stomach until I feel vaguely nauseous. “You’re a nine and I’m the one you need,” I read hollowly.
I don’t even like pickup lines, never have, but hearing him use them, or, use them when he doesn’t mean them, makes me want to throw up.
It’s not real, it’s not real, we’re not real.
Piper lets out a breath. “Can’t believe he’s actually telling you these.”
“Why wouldn’t he? It’s funny, at least to him. For them to think that we could be a thing—”
For him to laugh at it, message me them like it wasn’t real, like it could never be real, because to him, it wasn’t real, lord. Well, it doesn’t make me feel great.
“Jason. I love you, man, I do, but I can’t listen to you be this oblivious for another second,” Piper says, clicking on an episode of MasterChef.
“Yeah,” I agree, even though I’m not sure what I’m agreeing to.
We don’t talk about it for the rest of the night.
~~~
Leo stops me in the hallway the Friday of the next week during lunch. “Jason!”
“Leo,” I reply. “What’s up?”
“So… you know how prom is tonight?” he asks.
“NOW, MR. VALDEZ, DO IT!”
He winces at his student’s shout. “Hold on.”
A few kids I vaguely know come up to him, speaking urgently in hushed tones, and he spins around to talk to them.
“Okay, okay, I’m doing it,” I catch Leo say before turning back to me.
Somehow, there’s a poster in his arms now.
Are you an ionic bond? Because U and I belong together at Pr O M!
It’s not his handiwork, made in different coloured markers, a small n scribbled next to the M to make it manganese instead of an element that doesn’t exist.
There are little drawings around it, of chemistry and two little stick figure men holding hands, and mainly hearts.
“Jason Grace, will you go to prom with me?” Leo asks, grimacing slightly.
I suppress the shudder in my heart. This is for the students who have made it their mission for him to ask me out, (and have us supervise prom), not because he wants to, I remind myself. I force a smile. “I’d love to, Leo Valdez.”
He grins. One of the students shoves something into my hands. “This is from Mr. Valdez, Mr. Grace! It’s part of the promposal!”
It’s a small stuffie of a beaker filled with a liquid. It’s soft.
Quiter, Leo says to me, “I got that for you.”
This part is real. He got that for me, and he meant it.
I smile for real this time, soft and warm in the way only he can draw out of me, and just for him.
God, I’m so far gone.
The teenagers erupt in cheering for long enough that Annabeth passes us and tells them to quiet down. She shoots me a wink on her way out.
The warning bell rings, and everyone hurries away, shouting their goodbyes from halfway down the hall.
I laugh, shaking my head at their antics. Sometimes it’s fun working in a high school (other times, it’s hell).
“...sorry about all that,” Leo mutters. “Once they got it in their heads, they wouldn’t stop. Also, they needed prom supervisors last minute because Hazel and Frank cancelled, and knew they could get two this way.”
I look at him, trying to measure how he feels about this situation. Does he think it funny? Embarrassing?
“Didn’t mean to ambush you in the hall,” he continues.
I snap back to the conversation. “Right, yeah, no, it’s alright, I don’t mind. We’ll have fun, yeah?” I stammer.
He tilts his head quizzically at my antics. “Yeah. It’ll be fun. You alright, Superman?” he says, the old familiar nickname sending warmth down my spine.
“All good,” I say. “See you at prom.”
He smirks his trademark smirk at me. “Cya there, Grace.”
~~~
I fiddle with my tie. “Pipes, I don’t think this is the look.”
“Dude, shut up, I’m right, like always,” she retorts with an eyeroll. She’s sitting on my bed in a plain, pale dress and a nice jacket. “You look hot. Not to me, because I’m gay, but like. Objectively you do.”
I snort. “Thanks.”
“Anyways, leave it. The kids’ll be so proud that you dressed up for your date,” she says, putting more emphasis than I’d like on the word date.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” I reply to distract her.
“Had to once I knew my best friends were going to prom together like teenagers! With a promposal and everything! God, Jace, you must be over the moon, you’ve been pining for forever. It was getting embarrassing.”
“We do work with a lot of teenagers,” I grumble. “And it’s not real, it’s fake. It’s just as a joke.”
She takes a deep breath and nods slowly. “Sure, Jason. Sure.”
I look in the mirror one last time. Piper has styled my hair so the front is back except for a strand in the middle of my forehead. She’s put me into a plain black suit and tie, and I feel insanely overdressed.
“C’mon, let’s go find your date,” she says, grabbing my hand and leading me away.
I shake my head, but follow her out to the car.
“Piper! And Jason! You both look wonderful,” Leo says, grinning at us both as we walk into the gym. There are fairy lights and glow in the dark stars stuck to every available surface. It’s incredibly corny, and it is the perfect prom. I wish it had been my prom instead of the lame “under the sea” theme I had where I’d gone when both Piper and I had still been in the closet and we had gone together, like, as a couple. It was horribly awkward between us until we realized that we both loved each other, just. Not like that. Now she’s with Shel and I’m pining over a coworker.
Oh, how life works.
Said coworker is in a deep crimson suit, jacket open and no tie, a button undone on his shirt like always. His hair is messily perfect, the curls perfectly framing his face. When I finally manage to look away from him, Piper has left our side. “You look…”
He laughs awkwardly. “Yeah. You as well.”
“Well, you can thank Piper for the styling,” i say, smiling at him. It’s hard not to smile at him. And also, I’m losing my self restraint because he looks so damn good.
He grins at my chest. “I especially like the tie.”
“That one was me.”
“Yeah, I got that from the little chemistry tubes on it,” he teases.
“MR. GRACE, MR. VALDEZ, YOU’RE HERE,” a student shouts happily, leading us into the gym.
We both turn to him and offer a greeting. “Hi, Tommy.”
His eyes widen, catching on my tie. “Wait, those beakers look like the stuffie of the one Mr. Valdez got for you! Oh my god, you’re so in love.”
I blush furiously. “Um. Coincidence?”
Leo turns to me, delighted. “You got a tie to match the stuffie I bought you?”
In the face of his joy, I can’t deny it anymore. I can never deny him anything. I smile at him. “Yeah, I did.”
Tommy smiles slyly at both of us. “Have fun tonight. Don’t spend too much time supervising, you two,” he says with a wink.
“Tommy, you know we’re employed, right?”
He waves a hand. “Pish posh. Ethics, amirite?”
I laugh. “Tommy, go have fun at your prom.”
He grins at us cheekliy again and runs off to go find his friends.
“What a wonder, that kid,” Leo mutters, rolling his eyes. “History, ethics, and science nerd. From what I hear from Piper, art nerd too. And still has time to try to set up two of his teachers.”
“Teenagers truly are a wonder.”
A slow song comes on. Leo swallows. “Do you want to dance?”
“Beach boys?” I ask.
He sighs and then smirks at me. “You are such a dork, Jason Grace.”
I grin at him. “And you love it.”
His smirk softens into a soft smile. “Yeah. I do.”
“Let’s dance,” I say, ignoring the warm rush in my stomach at his words.
Instead of dancing separately, he puts his hands around my neck, his rough callouses gentle and perfect like the rest of him. I match his dance style, putting my hands on his hips as we slowlt sway to the song.
We’re close enough that I can feel the echoes of his breath, but far enough away that I can see the warmth in his eyes, just for me. I want him, all of him, just for me, forever.
I think I’m in love with him.
I think I’ve known it all along, somewhere deep inside.
Suddenly, it becomes impossible not to say something or do something that would show how I feel. But I can’t, because he doesn’t feel the same, and we’re best friends and coworkers and I can’t ruin everything on the off chance he likes me, broken, messy, me.
“Leo,” I murmur.
“Yeah, Grace?” he answers softly.
I swallow hard. “I… I need some air.”
I break away from him, walking as fast as I can without it seeming suspicious out of the gym, all the way outside and into the cool night air.
I breath heavily outside. I can’t do this. I can’t pretend like this, not when I love him and he doesn’t love me. And even if he did, he shouldn’t. He’s, well, him, and I’m too broken and flawed.
My chest is tight and I feel like I don’t have enough air and I can’t breath and I—
“Jason?”
Leo steps out from the building, the light from the building casting a glow behind him, only helping his gorgeous look.
I force in a breath. I’m fine. I need to be fine, at least for the next few hours. I can do this when I get home.
“Jason, what’s going on?” Leo asks, concern clear in his voice. His brows are pressed together and he’s flushed from the heat of the gym.
No. I can’t do this.
“Leo, I can’t do this,” I blurt.
“Do what?” he asks me, confused.
I wave a hand in between us. “This, this, whatever this is. This funny joke for the kids about us dating. I can’t deal with it anymore, okay?”
His face closes, turning cold. “You can’t deal with ‘this funny joke’ anymore? You can’t deal with us? Why the fuck not? You were fine with it an hour ago.”
I can’t just tell him. You can’t just tell your best friend you’re in love with them in the middle of a fight.
“Jason, what the hell happened in the last hour?” he demands, crossing his arms.
“I–I can’t tell you, Leo!”
His face tightens, eyebrows pressing in a hard line. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Literally everything, how do you not see that by now!” I cry. “Leo, you know this.”
He softens slightly. “Not everything is wrong with you, Jason. Nothing is wrong with you. Except for whatever you’re doing right now.”
“Leo,” I plead.
“Jason,” he shoots back.
I meet his eyes. They’re guarded, blocked off, but I still see the hint of warmth, of the dark coffee colour in his eyes saved just for me, at least, I like to think it is.
I’ve already ruined this. What’s a bit more?
“Leo, I love you.”
“Yeah, I love you too, when you’re not acting like this,” he says, rolling his eyes.
I release a breath, frustrated. “No, Leo, I’m in love with you.”
His eyes widen, face dropping in shock. “Jason, what did you just say to me?”
My eyes burn. “You heard me, Leo. I can't play this stupid game for the kids because I’m in love with you and it hurts too much to do this. I mean, you had to have known, Leo! I bought a goddamn tie to match a stuffie you bought me!”
He falters. “I don’t, it wasn’t. I don’t know, Jason.”
I run a hand through my hair. “I know you don’t know! That’s why I’m telling you this even though I’m not supposed to because you’re my best friend who I’ve been in love with for years and who will never love me back!”
“Jason, what the fuck are you on about?”
I hesitate. “What do you mean?”
“Jason, the kids only got it in their heads to make me do all that stuff because they could tell I liked you.”
I freeze. “What…?”
“You’ve been in love with your best friend for years? Well, what about me! The hell you mean ‘who will never love me back,’ Jason, surely you’ve seen the way I act around you?”
“What are you saying?” I manage.
“I love you too, you absolute, oblivious, idiot,” he replies. “Have for years, but you’ve never noticed, thank you very much!”
He loves me, he loves me, he loves me. Leo Valdez loves me. “I… thought that was just how you acted with everyone?”
“Shut up, Grace,” he says, grabbing my tie, pulling me close. “This okay?”
I cup his face and I kiss him.
I can’t help but grin as I pull back, intoxicated with the closeness of him.
I kiss his cheek and his neck and every inch of available skin, relishing the freedom to touch him.
“I love you, Leo Valdez,” I murmur into the crook of his neck as I hug him tight.
“I love you, Jason Grace,” he replies into my hair.
I lead him back into the cheesy, night sky prom, where we dance for real this time, and then I take him home and we kiss some more and fall asleep tangled in my couch watching an old rom-com.
Because we can, and we want to, so we do.