Chapter Text
Ash winced at the pain. They looked at the blood dripping down their wrist. Scarlet drops dripped onto the cold bathroom floor, the deep red standing out on the white tiles.
They dropped the small blade that was in their other hand and wiped away the blood. Blood pooled in again, and Ash sighed.
After a quick clean, because of Ash having an automatic routine stuck in their head, from all the times they had done this before, Ash put a band-aid over the fresh wound and stood up.
They caught a glimpse of themself in the mirror. Ash stared at their face. Longer than they wanted to.
Ash hated everything about themself. Their face, hair, and body. Oh, but how they hated their body. Their stomach used to stick out, but ever so slightly. So they stopped eating. But then they saw how visible their ribs were. And at that point, they gave up trying to be “perfect” again.
Then there was the whole problem with their face. Deep, dark eye bags, due to sleepless nights, crying, and fussing over their body. They tried to use concealer to cover them up, but every time Ash went out with concealer on, they felt...fake. As if they needed makeup just to feel ok.
Every time Ash would look in the mirror, acne scars scattered their face like stars in the night sky. Years of picking at their face, thinking that if they simply scratched them off, they would disappear. But like everything in Ash’s life, it didn’t work. It made them look worse and feel worse.
Ash thought life was absolute hell. What did they even do to deserve this?
…Until they found the headset.
A made-up, fantasy world where they could model their perfect body. No more having to worry about how big or small they are, or how their face looks. But even that didn’t work. Ash could have all the parts in the world, and still feel like shit.
Now, a few months after escaping the circus, Ash wasn’t any better.
That was until Noelle came along. Ash and Noelle met while Ash was bartending. The two instantly clicked, bonding over art. And once they found out that they were known as Zooble and Gangle not too long ago, a love sparked between them.
Ash was happy, don’t get them wrong. Dating a girl like Noelle was the best thing they could wish for. But the harm inflicted on themself…Noelle didn’t need to know that. No, Nell would hate them.
Ash snapped out of their thoughts, took one more look in the mirror, and started to make their way to the door.
Just as they were about to open the door, a thought that had haunted their mind for years crept through.
…What if it wasn’t body dysphoria, and they actually looked like that?
Tears welled up in their eyes, but they pushed the thought away before they had another breakdown.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
Ash woke up with the biggest headache in the world. They groaned before checking the time on their phone.
Saturday, 9:34 AM
Shit. They were supposed to meet up with Noelle at 10:30 today.
Ash stood up from bed, already forming a plan in their head.
Alright. Ten minutes to shower. Ten minutes to dress up. Ten minutes to get ready to leave the house. 30 minutes before leaving the house.
It would be right around 10 at that point, giving Ash just enough time to drive over to Noelle's favorite cafe, where the two would be meeting up.
Ash took a deep breath before rushing off.
Around 30 minutes later, Ash was ready to head out. They had decided to wear jeans with some decorative belts, their favorite shirt, and a hoodie on top of it, even if it was going to go up to 30°C today.
Before heading out of their apartment, they pulled down their sleeve.
Many scars peppered their arm. Some were older, starting to fade away. And then there were some that had fresh scabs over them. Then one, right in the middle, covered by a band-aid. The one they gave themself last night.
They pulled the sleeve back up and walked out the door, locking it on their way out.
As they walked through the quiet apartment hallway to get to the elevator, Ash wondered.
“It can’t be that bad if I just tell Nell, right?” Ash thought to themself.
They shook their head. No, Noelle would be horrified. Horrified that their own partner cuts themself. Hurts themself.
They made it to the elevator and pressed the ground floor button, where the parking was.
After a ding!, they stepped inside and were taken to the ground floor.
After another ding!, they arrived at ground level and started walking to their car.
Not so long after, Ash was in their car, opened it, and sat down in the driver's seat.
Before starting the car, Ash looked over to the passenger seat and smiled.
That was the exact same seat where Noelle sat when Ash first shared how they felt about her.
The exact same place where they had their first kiss.
The first time Ash actually felt...loved.
Oh boy. If they were going to keep thinking about this, it would be a long car ride.