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It must be true that time goes by faster when you're having fun. Just seven months ago, Dan and Phil took one final walkthrough of their house, ensuring every light was turned off and every window closed. Anticipation and just a tad bit of nerves fueled them. The latest tour they so carefully prepared was about to begin.
And just like that, the tour began and ended. The thrill of traveling from one place to another left little time for the boys to think about what they were missing back home. Everything on the road is always a rush, which is why the contrast of landing back in London is stark.
In the backseat of the Uber, Phil slowly leans into Dan's shoulder. Phil has the ability to fall asleep anywhere. Dan can't imagine sitting down and dozing off just minutes later. After all, it takes Dan at least an hour of doomscrolling just to feel tired enough to sleep. Maybe the screen time isn't helping. Oh well, nothing will change. Dan rests his head on top of Phil's and closes his eyes despite knowing there's no chance he'll be able to fall asleep. Not when he's in some random guy's car. Instead, he takes time to think. The tour was very successful and memorable, but the electric city streets of Auckland, the stunning mountain ranges of Colorado, and the adorable wildlife of Australia are long gone. What was once right in front of their faces is now only memories. Everything from that tour has been left behind. Except for Phil.
As Dan gets older, he's beginning to understand the importance of family and friends. As much as he loved touring on his own during We're All Doomed, it got lonely having no one to talk to besides the quick meet and greet sessions. After that experience, Dan decided to make checking in with family and friends a priority. Which is why he'll text his family group chat first thing in the morning.
Although it takes a long time for Dan to fall asleep, once he's unconscious, he falls into a deep sleep. Phil tries tracing his thumb across Dan's forehead first with soft whispers of "Danny, wake up." Once he realizes this won't work, Phil shakes Dan's shoulder, softly at first but progressively more aggressively. "Dan!" He shouts. Dan startles. "What? Phil, what's happening?" Phil lovingly pushes Dan back into bed. "Calm down. It's just that your mom was calling you and you were completely out of it." Dan reaches for his phone on his nightstand and sees one missed call. "Why is she calling me at nine in the morning?" Dan's anxious mind instantly thinks of the worst-case scenario. "What if something happened?"
Phil lies back down in bed and rests his head on Dan's chest. "Nine isn't that early, Dan. We just sleep late."
Dan plays with Phil's hair — a nervous tick of his — as he uses his other hand to call his mom back. Phil would offer to leave the room to give him some privacy, but he's used to being around for family calls. "Hello?" Karen answers calmly. This is a good sign. "Hi, Mom. I saw that you called."
"Yes."
The boys wait for her to go on, but she doesn't. "Err, is everything alright?" Dan asks. Phil can feel his boyfriend's heart rate accelerate. Dan stops playing with Phil's hair and instead lays his hand flat on Phil's head.
Karen takes a deep breath. "Please don't be mad at me, Bear. I didn't know what to do or when to tell you. I didn't want to ruin your tour."
Dan freezes. "Mom, what are you talking about?" What is she hiding? Phil sits up and crosses his legs, unsure how to best support Dan in this moment.
"Well..." Karen begins. "Remember how Grandma got that dementia diagnosis a year ago? And how we all thought it must have been a mistake because she was as sharp as ever?"
Dan squeezes his eyes shut. "No, no, no, please tell me she's okay." Phil looks down at the floor; Grandma Veronica has always treated Phil as if he were her own grandson. Of course, she's getting older, and she will no longer be here one day, but it can't be now. Not this year, even.
"She's okay, well, sort of. She's alive."
Phil sighs in relief. He looks over at Dan, expecting him to look relieved at this. Instead, he notices that Dan's eyes are beginning to water. Phil gets up and starts searching the room for a box of tissues.
"Her dementia has progressed. Your brother and I moved her into Orchard Brook Nursing Home last week."
"What?" Dan whimpers. "No, that can't be. She was fine when I saw her." A single tear slips down his cheek.
"Honey, that was seven months ago."
Phil finally finds a half-used box of tissues stuffed into his closet. He sits back on the bed, pulls a single tissue out of the box, and hands it to Dan. Dan doesn't even glance over at Phil, and instead, he squeezes the tissue into a ball.
"Okay, but there has to be some kind of medication or something."
Dan lifts the tissue to his face, carefully dabbing at his tears that have increased in number.
"I know this is awfully upsetting. I think it would be good for you and Phil to visit her soon. I will be there again today if you want to stop by."
Phil gives Dan an encouraging nod. "We'll be there soon," Dan manages to get out.
Dan manages to compose himself as he showers and gets dressed. "Nursing homes can be lovely places," Phil says happily as he chooses which socks to wear for the occasion. He settles on classic cartoon pizza ones straight from 2012. "She can meet a lady named Susan and thirst over all the hot male nurses."
This earns a smile from Dan. "Phil, please."
"All I'm saying is that this could be fun for her. It's like a cruise ship. It's probably better that she's with other people instead of being by herself in the house."
Dan forces himself to laugh, knowing he'll start crying if he doesn't. He can't be seen crying on the train.
The train lets the boys off in Winnersh, and Dan spots his mom's car immediately. "Hi, Bear," she says as Dan hops into the passenger's seat. "Hi Phil," she says before realizing Phil hasn't gotten into the car yet. Phil pulled on the door handle, but somehow injured his hand as he's now shaking it wildly. Dan rolls down the window. "Phil, what did you do?" Phil sticks his tongue out in his adorable way while inspecting his hand. "The door wouldn't open, and my hand got caught on the handle." Dan doesn't have time to question this before Phil manages to open the door fully and get inside the car. "Hello!" He says kindly. Karen turns around to return his greeting.
Dan notices that his mom looks mostly the same, but her medium-length brown hair that usually falls down her shoulders gracefully is now pulled back into a messy bun. "So, be real with me. How bad is she?" He asks.
Karen is silent for a moment as she starts the car and pulls out onto the main road. "She's having quite a bit of trouble remembering things. Be prepared. She might not remember who you are." Now it's Dan's turn to be silent. Karen looks over at her son with concern. "Were you crying?" She asks. "What, no!" Dan answers immediately. "Well, okay, I was earlier. Just from the shock of it all." He uses his phone's Camera app and checks his reflection, noticing that his eyes are slightly red. Damn it.
"I was telling Dan that nursing homes can be fun, just like cruise ships!" Phil interjects. Silence follows for a couple of seconds until Karen smiles slightly. "This is why we love you, Phil."
Orchard Brook Nursing Home is a two-story brick building surrounded by tall trees and flowery shrubs. Dan actually relaxes a little as he enters through the main entrance. He notices elderly residents reading on couches, playing board games at tables, and talking loudly in groups. This doesn't seem so bad. Karen signs the group in at the front desk and tells the boys to follow her. Phil is surprised that she always appears to know her way around. The hustle and bustle of the main common area becomes silent the farther they get into the maze of hallways. Dan notices the artwork becomes more sparse. "Where are we going?" He asks. "To the Memory Assistance unit," Karen answers, her voice cracking for the first time that day. She stops in front of Room 119. "Let me do the talking first," she says. She scans her visitor's pass at the entranceway, and the door unlocks. The three of them nervously enter the room.
Grandma Veronica's room is on the smaller side, but it's private and has a window revealing a view of the well-maintained garden outside. The tan carpeting is just slightly darker than the tan walls that house photographs of sheep and mountains. At first glance, Grandma Veronica looks like her usual self. Dan lets out a visible sigh of relief. Her skin is of her usual complexion, hair washed, purple blouse in neat condition, and everything is fine. What a relief.
"Hi, Mom," Karen says carefully. Grandma Veronica's eyes light up. "Karen, so good to see you! How's my girl?"
Karen relaxes and smiles widely. "I'm doing good, Mom. Thanks for asking! I'm here with your grandson Daniel." She steps aside to let Dan approach his grandma. "Hi, Grandma!"
Grandma Veronica's smile falters. "Oh, uh, hello there." She makes eye contact with Karen. "Honey, I'm not sure who this is. Is he someone from my church?" She notices Phil awkwardly leaning against the door. "I'm not sure who that one is either."
"Grandma, it's me, Daniel, or Dan. Usually just Dan. And that's Phil."
"Bear," Karen whispers, reaching to press a hand on her son's shoulder. "Just let it go." She takes a step back to give Dan space.
"What, no. Hold up. She recognized you." Speaking directly to his grandma this time, he continues, "I'm your daughter's son. See, she and I have the same eyes and hair color. You practically raised me as a child. Winnie-The-Pooh? Do you remember him?"
"Dan," Phil warns. He gently places his hand on Dan's back. He smiles at Grandma Veronica. "We're Karen's neighbors. We just wanted to stop by and say hello."
"Exactly," Karen says, going along with Phil's lie. "And they are celebrities on the internet. Do you know of YouTube?"
"No, what's that?" Grandma Veronica looks back and forth at the boys, genuinely interested in learning more.
Phil gives her a brief run-down. "It's a website where people post videos. We make all kinds of videos, like playing video games and funny baking tutorials. Somehow, we ended up with millions of fans. We just got back from going all over the world performing shows for our audience!
"Wow, isn't that wonderful!" Grandma Veronica exclaims. "Yes," Dan begins, "We are so fortunate to do this as a career. When we started, we didn't even think you could make money from YouTube."
"That's great. What's YouTube?"
Phil just told her that, Dan thinks. He needs to be patient. His grandma can't help that she has dementia. "It's a website where you can post videos for anyone to watch," he explains.
"Well, isn't that a clever idea. Do you post videos there?"
Dan notices that his hands are sweaty. There's no way this is happening. Not to his own grandma. The very woman who periodically texts him to check on his mental health, and always prepared a charcuterie board when he brought his high school girlfriend over, and later, his boyfriend Phil. She was the one he called when he found himself crying in the supermarket just a week after moving away from home for university. He was so overwhelmed by all the products, as he didn't know how to cook. Grandma Veronica talked him through the process of cooking spaghetti. Yes, he was overwhelmed and missed the part where she said to boil water, but he will forever be grateful that she was there for him.
"Who are you?" Grandma Veronica asks, breaking Dan away from reminiscing.
"These two lovely boys are my neighbors," Karen says with a slight edge in her voice.
"Why are you bringing them here? I don't know them!" Grandma Veronica sits up in bed and uses a shaky index finger to point at the boys.
"It's fine, we're leaving," Dan rushes. Without another thought, he turns around, pushes the heavy door open, and enters the quiet hallway. Leaning against the wall, he presses the palms of his hands against his face. His eyes burn slightly, and he knows there's no point in trying to fight back the tears. He's allowed to be upset. It doesn't matter if anyone sees him. Despite being known by millions, there are only a handful of people on this Earth who truly know him and love him. Grandma Veronica is one of them. Of course, he knew she would be gone one day, but he didn't think she would ever forget who he was.
"Dan."
Dan wipes away his tears and blearily stares as Phil leaves Grandma Veronica's room and enters the hallway. Dan can only shake his head. There's nothing he can say right now. Knowing this, Phil wraps Dan into a hug, not minding that his capybara t-shirt is getting soaked by Dan's tears. They stay like this for a couple of minutes.
"Do you think she'll ever recognize me again?" Dan asks so quietly that Phil has to ask him to repeat himself.
"I don't know. I wish I knew, but I don't," Phil answers, pushing back Dan's curls. Phil wishes he knew the right words to say. He has a degree in English for goodness' sake, but he's overwhelmed with emotions himself. He knows Dan's grandma has always been there for the boy he loves. She was the one who always made him feel loved. Grandma Veronica doesn't deserve this. She deserves to be at home, watering her flowers, trying new Pinterest recipes, and doomscrolling on Facebook, not in a room here.
As Phil continues to comfort Dan, he realizes that they really are just two boys living their lives. One day they're on stage, cracking jokes in front of a full theater, and the next they're in a dark hallway, going through a new experience. For life is filled with joy and sadness, thrill and pain, and change and growth. They're going to get through this together.