Chapter Text
Anna Jang is beautiful.
It's not a specific observation people have in certain moments or an opinion of random experts, it's just a fact: Anna is objectively gorgeous.
Her hair cascades down to her lithe waist, like a spring-fed waterfall in a desert canyon, making her svelte silhouette look even more delicate from the back. Her eyebrows have the perfect shape and density to work with for the stylists who are touching up her makeup, which is, not even required when you think about it. Her face isn't even sweaty after the performance, and everything looks perfectly in place, but who wouldn't want to get close to her, right?
Okay, maybe she needs some assistance even if she is still put together, as the short little dress moved a lot around(and upwards) her slender body, making it look even tighter, provocative even. Because surprisingly for a lot of people, she always performs like it's her last day on earth, but it's just what she does, every time the stage lights up and the crowd roars, and every time no one is watching.
Her breath just got settled, movement in her refined shoulders slowing to a minimum, and her eyes look a little tired, but they haven't lost thier shine. They still sparkle like a magical girl's orbs, anticipating wonders of the world, but Anna has a small difference from all those usual traits you see in anime protagonists.
Her pupils are dark as a night can be, stars scattered like a balck and white milky way galaxy even with no light source nearby, and they're so much softer, like undisturbed still waters hiding something beneath. Her contoured, rosy lips stretch into a small smile that makes everyone's heart flutter, undoubtedly, and she scrunches her nose like a cat, which probably made a few of those hearts explode.
It's literally incredibly unfair how her skin looks like the pearly gates of heaven, pale but not ghostly, as her face has that permanent blush of a porcelain doll, and she softly glows under the harsh lights of their dressing room. Her lips part, and a sound comes out of her mouth, delicate, downy and so, oh so sweet, like a dandelion honey, pouring into Gawon's ears. She might just melt.
Gawon wonders, how does it feel to be so... beautiful. It's hard to find the right words when you're looking at Anna and thinking about nothing else, other than the fact that Anna exists. It's a realisation in and of itself.
Why does her pointed hand movements while talking about something simple makes Gawon wonder about the deeper meaning of it all? Why does her batting eyelashes, almost like in slow motion, feel like a butterfly effect, changing everything about Gawon with an action as simple as breathing?
It doesn't matter. She's just enjoying the view in peace, watching her, her smile, listening to her voice. It's enough.
She wishes it was enough, to stop her heart from beating like the drums of another group's song playing behind the thin walls, shaking the stage, enough to stop her mind from trying to find a good reason as to why she feels like the world around her suddenly stopped existing, just by watching Anna exist.
It feels like she's trapped in this vacuum of feelings, and she doesn't want to get out, like a child enjoying the quiet warmth of her mother's womb. She doesn't even understand where those feelings come from, it got too deep too quickly.
She keeps watching Anna from her corner, monitoring the way her body finally relaxes and her smile grows wider, hollywood-white teeth biting her pink tongue's tip, a habit she has that makes Gawon feel like she's the only one who can predict its course or understand its reason.
She's so consumed in her own observation, that for some time, she wasn't aware of another body standing next to Anna, who leans closer and clings to that smudge in Gawon's peripheral vision. When she notices, she doesn't really care, because her attention is fully on Anna, everything about her, her, her. She doesn't even have enough room in her soul for jealousy, the sickly green mud that she doesn't want to get into contact with, thank you very much. Seeing Anna so comfortable and lovely feels too good to taint this precious little moment with these envious doubts.
For a moment everything got so quiet, that Gawon thought she must've lost her hearing– the tragedy of not experiencing Anna's giggles making her chest squeeze in pain ever again... oh well.
But then she hears it. Not the beautiful giggle of a woman she wants to shake until it stops her own feelings, but the strained, sickly sweet peals of laughter from the woman that deepens her feelings. It pops the bubble Gawon was hiding in to not be noticed in her scrutiny.
Anna squeals out her favourite words ever:
"Swim Kim!"
Gawon's vision finally stops being blurred around Anna, the world suddenly getting louder and more chaotic around her. The dressing room feels smaller again, instead of feeling like an infinity where she could watch Anna and be absorbed in the black holes of her eyes, stretching time and space around her.
What a way to go it would be, if not for the fact that now she's stuck in a plastic chair, wobbling everytime someone passes buy, and a bunch of people in a small room keep talking about things that have nothing to do with anything. What a way to waste time and space, huh? She doesn't mind.
Anna also seems like she doesn't mind at all, just by the way she's still smiling and clinging to no one other than the coolest(and the oldest) person in the group, main dancer with an attractive voice and style, Anna's favourite wall to lean on, and the bane of Gawon's existence, Sooin Kim, aka Swim Kim as Anna loves to call her all the damn time. She's also Gawon's best friend, Gawon wants to add with pride.
Anna keeps laughing, and it keeps ringing in Gawon's ears like crystal chimes in the wind, Sooin cackles and it feels like her alarm ringing under her pillow. She's pretty loud, but Gawon thinks it's all good.
Yet she doesn't feel so good when Anna squeaks like a songbird being squeezed by grabby hands, she wants to know how is it possible to be so delightful in the crushing dimness of this boring place? What made her so happy, or ticklish, or embarrassed? Well, obviously it's Sooin, as usual. She probably said something out of pocket again, and Anna, usually the one who would hide in the corner and probably fall asleep, felt comfortable enough to be a little louder by her own standards.
How does it feel to be so... cool? This time around Gawon doesn't have to think hard to find the right word, it's just another fact, objective as Anna's beauty: Sooin Kim is the coolest. Yes, she's kinda awkward, yes, she's clumsy when someone looks at her for too long, yes, her jokes don't always land(mostly), and yes, she can be adorable too, there's no doubt, but Gawon thinks of her friend as the coolest person she had ever gotten to know, just right after Gawon herself. Narin is up there too.
Maybe that's why she doesn't feel jealous. She knows, very well at that, her own charisma and attraction crush people around her, making them feel like they've been pushed aside from the earth's surface. Her tall and lean silhouette is something people would call model like, and her face, no matter the expression she's making, breaks all the poor hearts, boys and girls alike. If someone speaks with her, she'll probably answer in their language, and if she doesn't, it's okay because she was already admired even before she opened her mouth.
Or maybe she just feels like she doesn't have the right to feel jealous, after all, both of them are her friends. It gets too deep when she wonders about the implications, so she shuts down any similar thoughts, but one thing is for sure: Lee Gawon has some questions. Questions that do not require answers, because come on, she's not blind to the obvious.
Anna loves her the same way she adores "Swim Kim". Okay, there's a lot of differences, but she has no doubts about Anna's heart, laying open on her chest like it's under a surgical light, burning red, beating, and responsive to every touch. It's the gentle touches, the small things.
The way Anna smiles at both of them, eyes squinting in pure joy and the corners of her lips lifted in a perfect angle. When she smiles at Sooin, it's playful and won't last long, because that girl just can't keep a good eye contact, and when her smile is directed at Gawon, it's slightly softer and almost observing. Gawon wonders what is it that she notices.
When no one is giving Anna attention, she won't hold back and will demand it with her whole body, smacking Gawon for her to lean closer, to touch her or just look at her for a moment, and Gawon will do what she wants no matter how busy the schedule can get. As for Sooin, she'll just plop next to or even on top of her because she doesn't need to ask for permission. Gawon wonders if she should tell Anna that Sooin is not the only one who doesn't mind her attitude.
When they hug, Anna wraps both of her arms around Sooin's neck and rests them on her shoulders, all the while looking into her eyes and waiting for an answer to some unspoken question between them. Maybe the reason for her to not jump-hug Gawon is the respect for her personal space. Just a little. Because when she wants to hug Gawon, she gives her time to run away(does a second count?), or waits for her to hug Anna first. Gawon wonders if Anna hiding her face and squeezing the back of Gawon's shirt like her life depends on it means anything.
When Anna wants company, you can usually find her in Sooin's room, sprawled out on her sheets and basking in the sunlight like a sleepy kitten. Neither of them mind when Gawon joins in, because Sooin is most definitely sleeping, and Anna will always raise her arms for her to help out with getting up, or waiting for just another essential hug a day. Gawon wonders, when will Anna and Sooin end up in her own room, and why can't she imagine this company without Sooin?
When Anna is hungry, Gawon is the one to order food, because she doesn't trust Sooin to give the right address over the phone("It was one time!", Sooin would argue in embarrassment). But when it comes to cooking, Sooin is the one who doesn't trust Gawon, unless it only includes washing the ingredients. She even bakes for everyone, and leaves a small batch for Anna, probably because Anna will bring back bunch of snacks just to win Sooin's affection and get the cookies that were already made for her. Gawon doesn't wonder about having a snack supplier, because she has Narin on her side, but she has been wondering, and came to a conclusion that Sooin's cooking skill is the only thing that Gawon is jealous of.
When Sooin is playing games, Anna loves to watch by scooting close to her side, sometimes joining in when the timing is right. Sometimes Sooin lets her win just to feed her competitive spirit, or at least, that's what Gawon believes, because there's no way her friend will act like a loser next to Anna without a good reason. Gawon herself is not too involved in that part of entertainment industry, but she has her own activities that lure Anna out of her room. Like exercising, which helps Anna feel comfortable and focus on her own movements in the gym. Gawon's too.
It has already been said, she's not blind to Anna's attention on her movements, especially on her arms and her open abdomen. Gawon thinks it's stimulating. Yeah, it's not like she makes her feel nervous or self-conscious about her body, it's the kind of thought that crosses Sooin's mind once, but Gawon doesn't care, it just wasn't the kind of attention she wanted.
She still can't help but wonder sometimes, what is it that makes Anna act different with each of them? Again, she understands that the levels of affection are the same, but the small differences just make the thoughts float in her head like the pool floats ready to turn over the moment she sleeps on them, yet it still won't make any sense whilst she's focused on them. She can't help but keep thinking about it.
Sooin plays with Anna, sleeps with Anna curled up next to her, cooks for her and feeds her- at this point, she's basically a cat owner. Gawon is just... that one friend the cat also loves the same, just because her body is warm or something like that. Her thoughts don't make any sense, it's all just a bunch of pondering and squandering!
She understands that Anna's love is not endless, it does not stretch like the universe itself expanding, or lasts like the absence of time. Yet it's also not bounded.
For a simple human mind that Gawon possesses, it's almost impossible to imagine life without Anna, and Anna without her love, like a dam overflowing, pouring out of her heart like a moon river streaming down the mountains, crystal clear, reflective of everything riveting in this world. Her love doesn't belong to anyone, but everyone can easily experience it just like the gentle breeze, mischievously untamed yet gratis.
As Gawon was eagerly taking in that zephyr, it felt like the calm waters suddenly rippled and washed over her when someone(who apparently doesn't appreciate the free love gas) just decided to dramatically groan it all out next to her. She doesn't need to loose her focus on Anna to know that Ella just sat down next to her, and there's no feeling of surprise when she feels a headbutt on her upper arm, almost like a doeling having zoomies. There is however, an atrocious wobble of her chair that makes her eyes roll back to face her bruised nerves, and the precious air escaping through her nose.
"Found yourself a rocking chair, grandma?"
Ella's voice is soft and sharp at the same time, perfect balance of charisma and youthful sweetness. Gawon thinks it's adorable, no matter how much she talks about the most random stuff, but her words make Gawon's brain feel like it's being squeezed out of her ears, so she rolls her eyes again, this time intentionally, and elbows the younger girl to push her away.
"Go change or something, I'm busy."
She thought it will be enough to end the conversation, but her muttering did not affect Ella, in fact, it just fueled the younger girl even more, making her energy spike, and her tongue spice up.
"Busy being a vegetable?"
Oh no, Gawon can't handle it right now. But she can never back down, so she claps back without wasting a second,
"Busy watching you slip on that stage."
Luckily, their performance was playing on the TV, and she was able to pretend like she's monitoring their synchronization and vocals, which is, as the unofficial leader, what she usually does anyway. But she doesn't have to. So...
"What?! I never slip. And never fall!"
Her gaze drifts away from the screen, back to her. Ella's offended whining is just another adorable noise of hers that Gawon won't mind for now. Anna is watching her own movements on the screen with the most captivating serious eyes, and Gawon prefers that view over the shameless dominance assertion right next to her face.
"You're like a part of the cheap furniture. A used mirror. Do you even hear what they're talking about?"
Her eyes peel off of Anna's shy pout to look at Sooin's goofy smirk –she's reminded of the fact that her friend is in the frame too, and fully registering the words, she almost breaks her neck snapping back towards Ella with a true nosy nature.
"What about?"
She sounds a little harried, so she clears her throat to try again, but Ella's ahead of her with a petty remark,
"About you fumbling Anna san's arm heart on that stage."
Her raised eyebrows fall into a jaded state of expression, almost in the same way Kung Fu Panda hearing the word "fat" for the third time(fourth, if we count Shifu telling him to lose 500 pounds, which is, unsurprisingly what she actually heard once as a model) in the first movie, by the very much exhausted Tai Lung. She feels like it doesn't cover even the fraction of Gawon's agitation.
"You're not getting that phonecase we talked about."
She deflates in a way a that one hello kitty balloon was, slowly lowering to the ground.
"Wow, hold your horses unnie, I was just trying to, well, you know, joke, and ask about something, and... uhh, whatever."
The famous icy gaze Gawon is wearing melts almost immediately when she notices the younger girl's tired eyes, now also longingly looking towards Anna's direction. She probably wants to end up in her warm embrace and get those sweet kisses promised to her if they win(they didn't).
Gawon just pats her on the head like an awkward parental figure comforting their more emotionally aware teenager, before gently hugging her from the side, effectively fixing Ella's peculiar posture in the process. She really is an interesting girl.
A minute of back rubbing and a quiet whining later, something else catches her attention, so she stands up and leaves to bother someone else. Probably to ask Narin to share her snacks. Gawon feels fed up and empty at the same time, which makes her close her eyes to rest them under the buzzing white light of the dressing room.
She feels another presence getting closer, this time not that hyperactive and more like a snail slowly crawling on to the less squeaky chair next to her. She doesn't need to guess who it is, because she can recognise the slumped footstep sounds in any chattering crowd.
Kim Sooin.
Princess Charming is finally seated with a muffled thud, as she lets out the longest, not so charming, and very much so hoarse exhale. Probably tired after indulging Anna's endearing whims, and naturally, killing today's performance. Sooin's elbow pokes her arm and Gawon can only hum to let her know she's listening.
"Are you okay? You've been awfully quiet."
Well she sounds awfully sincere, so Gawon just mutters about being tired, no matter how confused and heavy her heart actually is.
"It's like you got tired of us talking or something, huh."
Gawon opens her eyes, slowly getting used to the light again. Sooin's face is not close, but close enough to see the quiet worry in her eyes, and it makes Gawon's already heavy heart pull down by the weight of shame. What the hell was she thinking about this whole time? And why would she ask whatever the hell came out of her mouth?
"What were you even talking about?"
She expects another sincere answer about trying to uplift Anna after the tiring week.
"About you acting stupid around Anna."
Of course. Spoin looked at her like she's stupid, which offended Gawon more than what has been said. Her eyebrows connect via the line of disapproval, her head tilts back and a little to the right, just enough to look at Spoin with her favourite mask plastered on her face: pure disappointment.
"Why do people keep bringing this up, I was literally distracted."
"What could possibly be more distracting than Anna? You've been watching her laugh for like 30 minutes."
True. But it's not something she will openly talk about with Sooin of all the people, so she sticks with her previous lie; something about being the unofficial leader and watching the performance.
"The TV is right behind your asses, it doesn't make sense."
"Surely you weren't watching ads of Pocari Sweat for thirty minutes."
At that, Gawon cracks, and makes a face. The disgust is something she can never hide, it just slips through, and she can only accept herself as someone who, unfortunately for everyone that loves and cares for her, doesn't drink water. It's just disgusting, and she's not here to explain herself. At that moment, she finds out that there's another thing she's jealous of.
Anna is a very sweet person. She might be the favourite unnie of the younger girls and trainees because of her inability to scold anyone over any mistakes and just being cool with whatever chaos they plan. But if there's one thing she doesn't tolerate, is the people she loves not getting the proper care. In Gawon's case, she feels like she had done something wrong every time Anna is upset about her not drinking the crystal clean water she prepared. Sooin listens, she drinks enough water to satisfy herself and Anna, she's always hydrated. Gawon is jealous, because damn, how the hell does she drink a gallon of water a day?!
"Girl, whatever."
"You know, I was actually talking about..."
Gawon was gonna listen, because it sounded serious this time, but a smell suddenly appeared, vanilla blended with strawberries, and the faint jasmine, making her head dizzy with delight. Then a silhouette, close enough to shadow the light, like a full moon eclipsing the sun.
"What are you two geeking about?"
Anna smiles in a way that Gawon has never seen before, soft yet suspicious, small but obviously holding onto something to keep the corners of her lips up. Gawon is in a daze again, she lost the count of how many times she got lost in her eyes today, so she just shuts down and lets Sooin humiliate her. It never comes.
Anna sits down.
Right on top of Sooin. And Gawon.
There is no objections uttered. Neither of them showed reaction to this spontaneous action. Personally, Gawon didn't understand what was happening until she already stood up and left them, but the warmth stayed on the right side of her body, and she thinks the same goes for Sooin's left side. Her insides curled up in a way that made her close her eyes, to stop her knees from jerking like in a patellar reflex test with a doctor. She kept them closed to not cringe at the sight of an obvious cameraman in front of them.
A moment later, when the cameraman probably followed Anna like a dog, she turns towards her friend and opens her eyes just enough to be acceptable for a conversation.
"So, what were you saying?"
All she sees through her thick eyelashes, is a Sooin in a state of embarrassment that made her cheeks red like a her bloody heart. She grumbles something about telling her later, and Gawon finds her to be hilarious, so she tries to tell her that. Maybe it was exhaustion, or maybe she was still trapped in a dazed headspace, but whatever she said was not what she had thought about.
"You look hot."
Sooin doesn't look surprised. She looks miffed, with her eyebrows knitting together in an upward tilt.
"I mean the temperature. You look like you feel hot, that's what I mean."
"Thank you."
"Uh, you're welcome?"
Poor Sooin was gonna stand up and nonchalantly leave her with all this confusion, but before she could take a step, the less squeaky chair falls back and apart, like those lego pieces being scattered in those old games. She yelps and keeps repeating pitiful "no, no, no," but of course, every minor inconvenience that Sooin puts them through is an opportunity of life for Gawon to snach with a smirk on her face.
Sooin squats down and starts to collect the pieces, and Gawon tries to do the same. Key word is tries, because while trying to asian squat, she falls flat on her ass and can't get up from embarrassment. Sooin has her usual miffed expression when she looks at her.
"You cool?"
She can only nod with her lips pressed into a thin line. In a small distance, a giggle can be heard, which sounds like Anna, but Gawon closes her eyes for the twentieth time insted of fact checking. Because she has to be delusional, there's no way she will believe the girl saw this whole failure of a duo interaction. She pities herself and her friend for being fake nonchalant, but they have to pick up their dignity, so her legs cross to focus on the task.
"You need to connect this first."
"Oh, this one?"
"No, the leg!"
"Are you blind, it goes here."
"You need to press it right."
"Put it in the rice?"
After a few minutes of back and forth bickering and correcting each other, they bring the chair back to life, far less swift than those lego characters, and obviously less stable. They look at each other and the chair like they accomplished something, so their manager who just entered the room feels suspicion, but she doesn't get paid enough to care about what happened. She just gives that look.
"I'm not gonna ask why you're on the floor, just get in the van girls."
Both give each other the "we got away with it" look, but the feeling of camaraderie did not last for long, as they grab their bags and start to ran towards the open van, as if there's not more than enough seats. Would they even care if the van was here to kidnap them, is the question to be asked.
Gawon gets there first, and she's lucky to have longer legs, because Sooin runs pretty damn fast when she wants something. She jumps inside the small van and chooses the window seat in the back. Sooin looks defeated enough, with her favourite miffed face melting into acceptance, as she sits down next to none other than the brightest thing in this tinted vehicle.
Anna.
Who smiles softly, like the glow of the distant sunset behind the tall buildings, and offers her own seat by the window in the front. Sooin gladly accepts the affection, because turning it down wouldn't make sense, and shares all of the snacks she was hiding in her bag.
Gawon doesn't know why she chose the window seat, as if the route to their dorm is longer than half an hour, as if she needs any air in the perfectly air conditioned box, as if she's watching the beautiful night city instead of the two girls at the front, sharing one strawberry milk. She doesn't know why she's watching them instead of getting the little sleep she needs. Or why they're sharing that milk, when Sooin probably had two boxes in her bag, already prepared to share with the delicate flower blooming next to her.
"Are you just gonna stare and not tell them to get a room?"
It startles her, just a little bit, Narin's unexpectedly raspy voice talking quietly, which makes her chuckle. She's sitting at the other side, on her own window seat that's basically reserved for her.
"You wanna sip of my orange juice?"
"No thanks, I already drank enough water."
Gawon makes a face but doesn't say anything, and Narin just smiles like she understands. But her smile slowly drops, and the worried warmth in her eyes gets more noticeable.
"You've been... different lately. Are you sure everything is okay?"
Her eyes see through any masks and trying lies, and Gawon can feel it gently piercing her soul. What is she even supposed to say? "I've been noticing that Sooin and Anna got a lot closer and now I feel lost about where my place is supposed to be in this"? That she feels like she's loosing both of them, her best friend, bonding with the sweetest girl she probably has ever met, and Anna, someone she had gotten used to understand so well, that she doesn't want to know how the emptiness in the shape of her small frame will feel in her memories.
"Where did that come from?"
She deflects. Gawon knows that it was a question more to herself and her thoughts, rather than anything to keep up the conversation, but Narin accepts and gives her a straight answer.
"Well. I'm sure you've noticed Anna unnie and Sooin unnie getting much closer, and I was wondering if it was bothering you or something. You can tell me anything, you know that right?"
Gawon looks at her, no, sees the younger girl under the passing streetlights, and she sees the care, the love, the understanding, everything you would have as groupmates stuck together in one group. She doesn't feel stuck though. She feels loved, she feels cared for, and understood. When one is hungry they will feed them, when she's thirsty they will find something other than water, when one is tired they will find a way to give energy. Everyday they keep moving together, and they always find a way, no matter how lost they are. They feel like one. So it's no surprise that the girl that feels like her younger sister most of the time, is acting so mature for her age, acting as an anchor that Gawon holds on to.
"I was just..."
She smiles sheepishly, and looks at her friends in the front seats once more. They're leaning on each other, and it's obvious that they already fell asleep. The only thought Gawon has in her mind, is a little hope that they can get some rest on this bumpy road.
"It doesn't bother me. I just feel out of place sometimes. You know, third wheeling and whatnot. It's like they want us out or something."
At least it was partially true. She smiles at the younger girl, and doesn't feel the need to fake it. She even laughs a little and Narin joins in.
"Told you, they need to get a room!"
"Oh so it was bothering you. Why are you projecting?"
"Look who's talking, you literally think that Anna san is not struggling to choose between you two."
"What?"
"What?"
Narin turns back to the window, and Gawon does the same on an instinct. What was that about?!