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Credence knew that he shouldn’t have been looking through Newt’s papers. They were, after all, Newt’s. And he’d been drilled long and hard to never touch something that didn’t belong to him. He should have know, but he’d gone looking anyway. He’d just wanted to see one of Newt’s sketches again. He’d drawn the thunderbird. The one who’s feather was in Credence’s wand. Credence had seen the picture before so he reasoned that it wasn’t really poking around where he didn’t belong.
Only be hadn’t expected to find this. And now he had it, he couldn’t put it back.
“Newt,” he said. He did, perhaps, say it a little more quietly than he might have otherwise. It wouldn’t, after all, be the end of the world if Newt didn’t hear him.
“Ah, Credence.” No luck there then. “Come on in.”
Credence wandered a little further. Newt didn’t seem to actually be doing anything, just standing there looking out over the space, smiling. Credence had thought it was a content smile but maybe not. Maybe three months really was too long for someone like Newt to stay in one place.
He kept saying he was happy. Kept saying he’d wait. But he couldn’t wait forever and while Credence was strong in transfiguration his charms were abysmal and his potions not much better. He could be here for years.
He couldn’t keep Newt here with him for years.
“I’m sorry,” he said, holding out the letter. Newt turned with a smile but it quickly dropped to a frown when he saw what Credence was holding.
“You were looking through my papers?”
“I was looking for the drawing of the thunderbird. I didn’t mean to look at anything else but when I found it I couldn’t put it back.”
“Well, it’s nothing,” Newt said, snatching the letter. His shoulders were hunched a little though.
“It didn’t look like nothing. It looked like an invitation to visit a rare creature.”
“Well, yes,” Newt said, lifting the letter a little. He scanned it, biting his lip. “Yes. It is. But it’s not important, Credence. It’s just one creature and I’m sure the good Mr McCredie will supply me with the necessary details if I ask politely.”
“You’re going to rely one someone else’s opinions?”
“He’s worked with Quintaps for years. He’d know. And they’re very tricky to get to. I’d have to travel right up Scotland and then the actually island they’re on is unplotable so I’d be out of touch for a time, maybe.”
“How long did it take you to get him to agree to letting you on to the island?” In Credence’s experience, when someone had control of a thing like this, they didn’t give it away freely. They kept anything precious tight to their chests. If this man was letting Newt in, he wasn’t going to lightly.
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll be able to talk him around again eventually.”
“You have to go.”
“Credence.”
“No. Please, you have to go.” Newt was looking at him with a raised eyebrow so he continued. “I can’t be the reason you’re staying here. I mean, please don’t misunderstand, I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’ve been here. But you can’t wait for me forever.”
“It won’t be forever,” Newt said, softly. “Just a little longer. You’re doing so well.”
“Whatever you and Albus say, I know you can’t teach me seven years of magic in just a few months.”
Newt’s face fell at that, like he’d been lying to himself and letting himself believe just that. Credence wished he could reel the words back in but, at the same time, he knew that needed to be said.
“It won’t be…”
“Newt, you can go on your trip. I’ll be…I’ll be okay. I’ll be here. I can carry on learning. And when you come back…” If he came back. Of course, he might get out of here and remember how big and exciting the world was and how little he needed Credence to enjoy it.
“I’m no going.”
“Newt.”
“No. I’m not. I don’t need to and you can’t make me.”
Credence blinked. He’d never heard that tone from Newt before. Never had him just turn around and say no. But he looked determined now. Was even trying to make brief eye contact.
“I want to be here with you. I’ve made my choice.”
“You need to go.”
“I don’t. There are other ways.”
“There aren’t,” Credence said, grabbing Newt’s hands. “Please. If you do this, you’re not going to get the chance again and it’ll be because of me. You’ll resent me.”
“I never could.”
“You’d be right to. Please, Newt. Please do this. I’ll be here when you get back. But please don’t make me be the reason you don’t do this.”
“You’re not the reason for anything. I make my own choices, Credence. Now, please, I don’t want to talk about this any more.”
***
“The boy does have a point.”
“Really, Albus. I would have thought that you’ve want me here watching him,” Newt said. He paced the fireplace a few more times, rolling his glass between his hand. He’d needed to talk but Credence wasn’t talking to him right now. Just giving him long, sad looks. Like he expected Newt to realise he wasn’t worth the bother and dissapear any second.
Which was EXACTLY why Newt wasn’t going to leave. Couldn’t leave.
“You have rather derailed your life over the last several months, Newt. I don’t think I’ve ever known you to stay in one place for so long.”
“I’m writing up my book.”
“But your research is incomplete.”
“Only slightly.”
“And you’d be fine having a book on a shelf with your name on it, knowing that you didn’t do your best to make sure every word in that book was true.”
Albus did have a point. He’d been conflicted since receiving the letter. Wanted to rush straight up to the tip of Scotland and get on the next boat. This book, it was going to be his legacy. Goodness knew he wasn’t likely to have children. This book might be all he had.
But what was the point of legacy if he let down the people around him.
“I’m not going.”
“I think it might be for the best, Newt. If nothing else, it might be good for you to have a little space from the boy.”
“I don’t need any space from Credence.”
“Don’t you. Can you really say that your interest in him is entirely proper?”
Newt froze.
No, he couldn’t say that.
Three months. Three months of smiles and hugs. Three months of Credence growing in confidence every day. Three months of the surprised look Credence made when he laughed, like he still couldn’t quite believe that laughing was a thing he did. Three months of sleeping so close that when Credence began to mumbles in his sleep in the onset of a nightmare, Newt could reach over the gap between them and stroke Credence’s hair until he drifted back into a more settled sleep.
Newt could not say that his interest was entirely proper.
“You think I need space?”
“I think a little space couldn’t hurt. I worry for you, Newt. It’s a difficult path you’re treading. Do you want that? For Credence?”
No. No, he didn’t. Credence had spent so long feeling ashamed of himself. He deserved better than anything Newt could give him.
He probably didn’t even want what Newt might offer.
Albus was right.
“I hate when you’re right,” he said, collapsing back into a chair. “You will look after him, though. When I’m gone?”
“It’ll only be two months, Newt.”
“I know, but you will look after him. He’s fragile. I don’t want to leave him, you know that. But…”
“But you must. Go, Newt. I’ll be here. Go.”
***
Credence was beginning to think he’d been wrong about this.
Newt’s case was packed. All his belonging were gone. The mess that had been his desk was condensed down and filed away. His clothes were gone from the bedroom.
He was really going and Credence’s stomach was turning.
“Are you sure you have everything you need?” he asked for perhaps the twentieth time. Newt stopped his fussing about to squeeze Credence’s shoulder. It was more comforting than it should have been.
“I’m sure. Are you sure about this? It’s not too late. I could not go.”
“You’re going,” Credence said, squeezing Newt’s hand. He couldn’t say he was sure it was a good idea but he was sure it was what was going to happen.
“Credence.”
“I’ll be fine,” he said, maybe a little too quickly. He kept his eyes on the floor. If he didn’t watch Newt go, maybe it wouldn’t be real. He wouldn’t have to cope with it.
He didn’t want Newt to go.
He was already missing him and the other man was right there. He couldn’t imagine going to their room tonight and going to sleep alone. He couldn’t imagine how quite it was going to be. He didn’t want to think how much he was going to miss the animals. How much he was going to miss Newt’s smiles and acceptance and how happy he seemed every time Credence had something new to show him.
But that was why he had to. Credence couldn’t get used to those things. He was going to lose them some day, better to do it now.
“Credence.” A hand landed on his shoulder. Credence looked up enough to see Newt’s trouser but then Newt was stepping in, pressing them tight together. They’d had enough practice at this now that it was almost natural. That they fit and it was easy. Newt’s arms locked around him like he really didn’t want to go and for a second Credence wanted to take it all back. Wanted to beg Newt to stay here with him. Wanted to cry and hold on and beg Newt to never go.
Only he couldn’t.
And then Newt was stepping back.
“I’ll write to you. As often as I can.”
“I’ll write back.”
“I wish you could come with me.”
“I don’t know enough. I need to be here.”
“We could…”
“Please, Newt. Just go.”
Newt stood there for a second, Credence stared at his shoes. Then he took a step back. He was going.
“It’s going to be okay,” Newt said, though he didn’t sound convincing.
“Yes,” Credence said. He didn’t feel convinced.
Newt turned, then he paused. Turned back. “Looks like someone else wants to say goodbye.”
Credence forced his eyes up.
Pickett was hanging out of Newt’s pocket, looking at Credence like he knew, somehow, what was happening and he disapproved. Credence smiled. He held his hand out for the little creature to scuttle over to him.
“I’ll see you again soon, too,” he said, smiling at it. Pickett blinked, the scuttled up Credence’s arm and into his pocket.
“Hey,” Credence said, reaching up to fish him out. “You need to go.”
He tried to hand him back to Newt, but Pickett clung on. His limbs wove around Credence’s hand and Newt only laughed, low and lovely, doing nothing to help.
“Can’t you?”
“He wants to stay with you, who am I to complain?”
“Newt, you can’t leave him here,” Credence said, panic teasing at the edges. He couldn’t be left alone with Pickett. He’d probably mess something up terribly. And Pickett would pine for Newt and not understand why he was gone. And Credence would probably end up killing the poor thing and Newt would come back to it.
“Actually, I think Pickett has the right idea. I’m not happy leaving you here, Pickett’s going to look after you for me until I come back.”
“I don’t need it.”
“No, but I don’t want to think about you being here alone. And I’m sure you’ll take wonderful care of him. You’re always so careful with the other creatures. And when I come back, you’ll both be waiting for me.”
“But then, you have to come back.” Credence blurted the words without thinking.
“Oh Credence, I was always going to come back. Whatever happens. And not for Pickett, for you.” Newt lifted his hands, cupped Credence’s face ever so gently. Credence felt tears prick the sides of his eyes. “I will be back. Please don’t doubt that.”
Credence wasn’t thinking. It was the only way he could explain what he did next. Somehow his hands had made their way without his permission to grip Newt’s coat and it was easy to keep him in place. Easy to lean in. To brush a gentle kiss against Newt’s lips.
He lent back almost before it’d begun and Newt blinked at him, this his eyes flickered down to Credence’s lips.
Maybe he was thinking about kissing him again. Maybe he was thinking about punching him.
Then an alarm sounded.
“Damn it all,” Newt said, pulling back and fiddling in his pocket. “Credence.”
“You have to go.” The alarm meant he needed to go now to catch his train.
“No. I…”
“You need to go,” Credence said, grabbing the handle of the case and shoving it into Newt’s hand. “Go. Just…just come back, alright.”
“Always,” Newt said.
And then he was gone.
Credence stood there for a few more minutes, panicking and touching his lips. He’d done it. He’d actually done it. In a coward’s way, maybe. He didn’t have to face Newt for two months now. But that already felt like a torture in itself.
He stood there until Pickett climbed up his arm. Started to mess with his hands.
He’d done it.
He just wished he knew what to do with himself now.
***
Newt sat on the train, fingers on his lips.
Credence had kissed him.
He didn’t know what it meant. He knew what he wanted it to mean but that would be too much to expect. That would be bad, he knew it would. It would be wrong and…
And he wanted it so badly.
Credence had kissed him.
Maybe it was just friendship. Maybe he’d wanted to say goodbye. Maybe he’d meant it to be platonic.
But Newt wanted.