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Dohoon has a problem.
It never left him ever since the first time he realized it. Whenever Dohoon is happy, a dark shadow of uncertainties would be looming over him, feeding him with negativity, such as Your happy days are coming now, but it won't be here forever. Bad things will always happen after you're happy.
It wasn't necessarily wrong—it was the truth, anyway, just normal mechanics of how life works. That mindset has been ingrained into Dohoon's brain ever since, and from that realization onward, he finds himself never truly enjoying any happy moments that come to him.
Such as now. He was surrounded by his friends, singing his heart out, and everyone was exchanging meaningful stares and happy laughs. Dohoon knows that he has been trying to push the Thinker narrative onto everyone else, but during certain moments when he stops and takes in everything around him, he thinks he might be a Feeler instead, with the way he feels overwhelmed by his feelings.
It's during times like these where it feels like this scene will last forever. He loves his friends. He loves this—spending time with his friends and being in their own world, nothing on their mind.
But alas, being Dohoon, he immediately hears a disturbing thought from the back of his mind.
This won't last forever. A year from now, all of you might not even be friends anymore.
Cherish what you have now. Would you really get to relive this again one day?
Dohoon wets his lips and tears his gaze away from his friends, as if doing that will stop the thoughts from running. Of course it doesn't.
A hand touches his shoulder, and he's brought back to reality. Dohoon lifts his head up to meet eyes with Youngjae.
"What are you thinking about?"
Dohoon blinks a few times and stares at his friends once more, trying to get back into the headspace he was in before his mind got taken over by his thoughts. He attempts to smile, but it probably looks forced. "Don't worry about it, Youngjae-yah."
Youngjae tilts his head and stares at Dohoon without saying a word. It seems like he has something to say, but he doesn't want to pry.
"You’re deep into your head, Dohoon-ah. Don’t let that distract you from having fun."
Their eyes meet again. This time, Youngjae has a sweet smile on his face. Dohoon's heart swells.
"Let's get Dohoon to sing next! He's been awfully quiet for the past few songs!"
Before he knew it, he was dragged up to the front with a mic shoved to his face. He pretends to hate it, but his loud laugh proves otherwise. He makes eye contact with Youngjae, who's standing to his side, shooting him a silent thank you, to which Youngjae responds by sticking his tongue out. You're welcome, Dohoon-ah.
"I think I might like Youngjae."
They were hanging out at a random spot outside of campus, lounging around as they waited for their next class to start. Jihoon is staring at his phone, the same audio cutting off and playing again; probably monitoring one of his dance videos. Kyungmin is the only one listening to Dohoon attentively.
"I like him too," Jihoon answers absentmindedly, his attention still on his phone. Dohoon groans and resists the urge to roll his eyes.
Kyungmin's eyes widened in shock. "Youngjae-hyung? Does he know about this?"
"You're kinda dense if you don't know about it, Kyungmin-ah. Everybody knows except you." Jihoon leans over the table and turns his phone screen towards Dohoon, and sure enough, he was monitoring himself. Kyungmin's confused expression goes unnoticed. "Hyung, look, which one is better? This one or—"
"Not now," Dohoon pushes Jihoon's phone away with a grumble, obviously upset by Jihoon's response. He sulks so easily. Jihoon snorts before putting his phone away.
"He doesn't know, but I'm thinking if I should tell him or not." He fiddles with his fingers. He loves Youngjae as a friend, but that same love grew more than just platonic love. This kept him up on countless nights, afraid that maybe this was all just an illusion in his head—what if he was just projecting his wants onto Youngjae?
Until one night, when he was lying in bed again, thinking about the same thing. Do I really like Youngjae, or am I just bored?
A ding! is heard from his phone, and Dohoon shifts to his side so he can take a look at his phone screen.
youngzai: dohoonnnnn
youngzai: free for a call?
me: yep
The call came almost immediately after Dohoon sent his response. Dohoon is lying on his back once again, using his right arm as a pillow, while the other one holds his phone up. Youngjae's face comes into view, and he's smiling so wide that his eyes are forming crescents. He seems happy. Dohoon finds himself mirroring his expression without realizing it.
"What are you up to?" Dohoon asks. There's a bunch of rustling coming from the other line. The camera moves shakily, signaling that both of Youngjae's hands are busy, so he waits patiently.
"Look," Youngjae says, his face filling the frame once more, before flipping the camera to show whatever the call entailed.
It was a plate of freshly made pasta, topped with some garnish. There was even some garlic bread and mushroom soup on the side. The way Youngjae plated everything made it look so delicious, and dare he say, almost as if it looked like something he would get from a fancy restaurant.
"Woah!" Dohoon exclaims, sitting up excitedly. "Did you make that? That looks really good."
Youngjae is good with his hands.
He has always been the resident cook between them. Occasionally, he would try new dishes on his own, and if he succeeds—he would recreate it whenever they gather at his house.
"I did great, right?" Dohoon could hear the smile in Youngjae's voice, and sure enough, Youngjae has a giddy smile on his face once the camera is flipped back to him. "I wanted to give it a proper try today, making everything from scratch at all. I think this is the best pasta I've made so far, but the mushroom soup is to die for. I can't believe I made this."
Youngjae is taking small bites of his food as he rambles, and with his mouth munching on food quickly, Dohoon unconsciously thinks he really looks like a guinea pig. So cute. But he won't ever tell Youngjae that.
"That does look yummy. If you hadn't told me that you made it, I would've thought that you got takeout and then plated it nicely." He hears a muffled "Yah!" from the other line and bursts into a fit of laughter.
"Brat," Youngjae shoots him a glare. Dohoon smiles. "I won't cook for you ever again."
"Sucks. I'll just steal from Jihoon whenever you feed him your cooking, then."
As the night grew deeper, they started talking so much that Dohoon hadn't even realized that Youngjae had finished his entire meal. They end the call with soft goodbyes, promising to meet after they're done with classes tomorrow, and Dohoon is back once more with his thoughts.
I do like Youngjae. I have a crush on Choi Youngjae.
"Well… Do you want to tell him?"
Kyungmin's eyes are on him once more, but this time, they are filled with curiosity instead of shock.
A part of him wants Youngjae to know. A part of him wants Youngjae to acknowledge his feelings, and maybe also let Dohoon treat him well. If things go well, Dohoon can show Youngjae off as his.
But another part of him is afraid of what he would lose. He cherishes his friendship with Youngjae, and, honest to god—he cannot see his life without him by his side. He has always been there during his good and bad days.
He can only hope that Youngjae needs him as much as Dohoon does.
"You're thinking, hyung," Came Jihoon's gentle voice. "Hey, know what—you don't have to tell him if you don't want to. But for me? I think I'd rather live with the disappointment that he doesn't like me back, rather than living with the regret that I never let him know how I feel."
Kyungmin nods eagerly by his side. "There are two bad possible outcomes from this. One, it'll be a long-running joke between us if he does reject you." Dohoon grimaces. "Two, we'll have to third wheel you guys every day."
Jihoon goes on a tangent about how Oh my God I seriously don't even want to imagine it do not kiss in front of me Dohoon I will seriously kill you while Dohoon stares at his open palms, swimming through his thoughts once again.
Jihoon is right. I won't be able to live knowing Youngjae never knew how I feel towards him.
He clenches his fists and looks up at his friends, eyes full of determination. "I'll confess."
So that's how Dohoon finds himself facing Youngjae a few days later, trying to feign nonchalance.
They're sitting in a cafe. Nothing strange for them since they always hang out together, but Dohoon probably should've chosen somewhere more private to confess his feelings. Is it too late to regret his decision?
Youngjae is humming to himself while looking around the cafe. It was a new cafe they're going to, and Dohoon faintly hears Youngjae's soft voice going Ooh we should take pictures there later.
After a few minutes of trying to get rid of his nerves, Dohoon thinks, fuck it, and clears his throat.
"Youngjae."
But he couldn't continue his words.
Youngjae's full attention is on him now. Despite how anxious Dohoon was growing by the second, he waited until he spoke up first. Maybe that was one of the reasons why Dohoon likes him a lot—his consideration for others.
"I like you." Dohoon blurts out, finally meeting Youngjae's eyes. He tears his gaze away as quickly as their eyes met, suddenly bursting into a nervous fit on rambles. I need to get everything out now before it's too late. He wipes his clammy hands onto his pants before mustering up the courage to reopen his mouth again. "I really like you a lot. It's not a joke, and you know that I would never play that kind of stupid prank on you. On Jihoon? Maybe, but never you, so all I wanted to say is—"
"Dohoon-ah."
Dohoon shifts his head up to see Youngjae smiling at him.
"I got it."
He blinks a few times—taken aback and a little confused. "Huh?"
"Thank you for liking me," Youngjae replies quietly. Dohoon notices that he has both his hands clasped tightly. Was he nervous too?
"I.. I don't know how to describe this feeling. I can't confidently say that I like you back, but—" He heaves in a deep breath before meeting Dohoon's eyes again. "I-I want to give this a try. I want to give us a try. Only if you're fine with it."
That was a year ago.
If Dohoon was told that Youngjae would be his boyfriend in the future, he would not believe it.
"Baby, are you awake?"
He hears rustling under the sheets beside him. Dohoon turns to his side to see Youngjae; messy hair, eyes that could barely open, pulling their shared blanket closer to his face. Dohoon's heart melts with fondness. "It's cold."
"Need me to turn it off?" Youngjae shakes his head, only for Dohoon to feel an arm sliding around his torso. Dohoon responds by pulling Youngjae into his embrace, his hand patting Youngjae's back steadily.
Youngjae tucks his head into Dohoon's neck, shifting around until he finds a comfortable position. Once he settles, Dohoon hums softly until Youngjae's breath steadies, falling back into a deep slumber.
From a certain point onwards, Dohoon has stopped dreading the bad days that still lie ahead.
He eventually learned to live in the moment—and to cherish everything that he has in his life, no matter how fleeting they are.