Archive of Our Own ^beta

The spacious room was dark and silent, the curtains closed. The TV was switched on, images of a wildlife documentary on the screen the only pale light in the whole room, no sounds coming from it. Sebastian was lying supine on the bed, wearing a pair of loose grey trousers and an old t-shirt, his hair a mess. He was staring intensely at the blank ceiling, thinking and mulling and brooding.

The race went so bad, and now he felt like crap.

Everything was going according to the plans, he was the leader of the race and had the best pace on the track. He was mathematically sure to win. Nobody could catch him and his Red Bull, they were faster than any other car.

Then, the car stopped. And suddenly he heard people screaming happily, and he had to get off the car and walk back to his box and retire. He felt so bad. Not because of the championship points he lost, nor because he couldn’t finish the race, but because of the joyful and gladness he could clearly read on people’s expressions, projected on the big screens all around the circuit. The crowd was clapping and screaming and whistling to him, just like it had happened in Canada some days before. No matter how hard he tried to smile and wave ‘em, be polite and always have good words for the fans, they seemed to hate him.

And it hurt, it fucking hurt so much.

No matter that everybody had told him not to care about those idiots; Heikki had a talk with him after the race, sensing that something was wrong with him, and tried to make him feel a little better, had words of encouragement for him, told him that they were jealous of his talent, suggested not to give a damn about them and patted him on his shoulder. However Sebastian was such a sensible person, that remembering all those screaming people he couldn’t help but feel tears growing in his eyes threatening to fall on his cheeks right here, in the dark of his hotel room, miles away from the lights of the paddock and the flash of the photographers and the questions of the jurnos.

And he would probably have started crying because of his frustrations, just like a little girl, if his phone hadn’t beeped two times, signaling a new message. He wiped his eyes with the pale blue sheets of the bed and grabbed the phone. A new message from Kimi.

“You coming out for a beer?”

He stared at the screen for some seconds, wondering if this was a stupid joke. Didn’t the Finn know about Sebastian’s race? Did he really think that his German friend would be in the right mood for a beer together, after such a bad day?

Uhm, well, knowing Kimi, frankly, it was possible… but Sebastian wasn’t in the mood, so his answer was simple and clear.

“No, thanks”

“You sure? There’s a nice place not far from your hotel”

“No”

He didn’t even had time enough to put his phone down, back on the bedside table, that it beeped again.

“What’s wrong? You mad for the race?”

Sebastian sighed loudly. Only Kimi could ask such stupid questions. Obviously he was mad for the race. And not only for it, but also for the crowd. Mostly for the crowd, to be honest. But Kimi could not understand it. He was loved by his fans. And even from other drivers’ supporters. For fuck’s sake, everybody adored Kimi in the paddock. His team, other drivers’ mechanics, the jurnos at the press conference, and all the fans. They simply loved him. You could clearly see it by the way they smiled and took pics of him, even when he didn’t bother to smile back. And when he was on the podium, they shouted and screamed his name happily. No, he could not understand how it feels. No way.

He wrote a short but direct answer.

“Yes. Don’t feel like going anywhere right now. Think I’m gonna stay in my room. You have fun”

Sebastian sent him his short message, then switched off the phone. He didn’t want Kimi to call him or send other messages. He didn’t want to have to speak with anybody right now. He just wanted to be left alone.
He put his phone on the table, switched off the tv and rested his head on the soft pillow, trying to sleep. Over-thinking was causing him an awful headache.

Less than twenty minutes later, somebody knocked on the door. Seb was trying to sleep – and he wasn’t succeeding, to be honest, because of so many thoughts buzzing in his head, annoying him – when somebody started knocking on his door, in a gentle but insistent way. He rubbed his tired eyes.

- I‘m coming! – Sebastian barked, before disentangling himself from the sheets, getting up and opening the door.

And it was really a surprise, who he found patiently waiting for him. In front of him was Kimi, standing in the corridor, wearing blue jeans and a blue checked shirt, one of his caps to hide his new haircut – Seb hadn’t had the opportunity to fully see it yet, but he quite frankly thought that it sucked – and the omnipresent sunglasses.

- Hi –

- Hi –

There was an awkward silence. The Finn was standing in the corridor, the German was leaning against the door, wondering what his friend was doing here, while he should be in a pub, drinking some drinks, listening to loud music and having a good time with some other driver, or friend, or with his physio, Mark.

- Can I come in? –

- Sure –

Seb let his friend come into the room, closed the door behind the two of them, then walked to his bed letting out a tired and frustrated sigh. He sat on the bed, rubbed his eyes again and gestured for Kimi to sit down next to him, since there was no sofa nor armchair in the room and the bed was the only comfy place. Kimi silently joined him.

- What are you doing here, Kimi? – Seb asked him while looking at the painting that hanged on the wall, with different shades of dark blue and gray that perfectly reflected his current mood.

- The right question is, what are you doing here – the Finn answered cryptically, taking off the sunglasses since the room was already dark enough not to annoy his sensitive icy eyes.

Kimi was silently staring at him. Sebastian could feel his cool gaze on the side of his face. He turned his head and faced him, looked at him briefly wondering if his friend was drunk. He was sincerely confused.

- Kimi, this is my hotel room. This is where I’m staying tonight. Where else should I be? – he asked.

- Outside. Drinking a beer and chatting with people. You like chitchatting –

- Well, yes, I usually do, but not tonight. Tonight I want to stay here –

- Ok, we will stay here then –

- Alone, Kimi –

- No –

- Wait… What? What does “no” mean? –

- It means no. That you’re not staying here all alone –

- Kimi, I want to sleep. I’m tired, my eyes burn and I have an headache. Go out, have your beer and enjoy the night, but please don’t annoy me – Sebastian told him, getting up and opening the door to politely invite him to get out, now.

- I don’t want to annoy you –

- So what do you want, then? – Seb asked, exasperated.

- I want to help you –

Kimi’s answer was short, simple and very clear. And it surprised Seb. He closed the door and leaned heavily against it, glaring at his friend who was still looking at him, a serious and determined expression on his face. Seb understood that Kimi would not go away before telling him what he had to, but he was getting more and more angry and frustrated. He just wanted to be alone now, was it so difficult to understand?

- What do you mean? You cannot help me. The car stopped working and my race finished, that is it. So unless you’re a mechanic or an engineer, and a good one also, you can’t do anything for me – he answered with a dry laugh.

He knew he was being rude, treating so bad a friend that was only trying to be helpful, but right now he didn’t care. He felt selfish and childish and he wasn’t okay. He would deal with the consequences of his hard words tomorrow, we would say he was sorry and everything would be okay with Kimi, who after all was a sympathetic person. But right now, he didn’t want to listen to anybody.

Kimi looked at him in the eyes, playing with his sunglasses, before he quietly spoke again, his voice soft and low as usual, not minding his German friend’s brusque words. He knew Seb was pissed off right now.

- The retire is not what is bothering you the most. I know it. You are annoyed because of the crowd. All those fans screaming when the car has stopped. It was unfair. I know that it is what sucks the most. I know how it feels when they are happy for your failure… geez, when they even wish to see your failure –

Sebastian stared at him, really surprised by his words, and even more surprised by the fact that he was telling him something that seems to be a very personal matter for him, something he really cared about. It was something very “Kimi-unlike”.

- What… how… -

- Come here, sit down and listen, ok? ‘Cause you know I don’t like talking emotional stuff very much, so I would like this conversation to end as soon as possible. Just listen to me –

Sebastian obliged. He silently sat again next to his friend, intensely watching his hands, waiting for the Finn to start speaking again and curious about his opinion.

- In 2009, when I was in Ferrari… there was a part of the team members and of Ferrari’s supporters that didn’t really like me. And I didn’t really care, for the matter. I did my job, tried to have good races and win, but it wasn’t easy, ‘cause the car sucked. Every time I had a bad result I saw some members of the team smiling maliciously, probably thinking that another driver would be better than me, would have better results. And it annoyed me, it really did. But that was not what bothered me the most. It was the fans, the gloating expression on their faces every time something went south, that hurt the most. That pissed me off every time, even if I acted like I didn’t care, like I didn’t even notice. But I did, I noticed it, and it hurt –

Seb was astonished. And couldn’t fully believe him. Geez, in every single country they went, the crowd loved Kimi.

- But every F1 fan loves you, Kimi – he told him, almost barking out a stressed laugh.

- They look like they do now, for sure. Some of them, at least; the majority of them, probably. But back then... no, they didn’t like me. Some of them hated me. Even if they were Ferrari’s supporters and I was a Ferrari’s driver and I had won 2007 world championship, they couldn’t stand me. I don’t even know why. But you can’t make them change their minds. You have to accept it. I did it. It’s not simple, that’s for sure, but I made it. And also you can make it. And you’re triple world champion and can’t let some idiots make you doubt of yourself. You don’t have to do it. Don’t let them see how irritated and annoyed and frustrated you are. ‘Cause that’s exactly what they are looking for –

- But I feel so bad every time it happens. I can’t help but start wondering if I did something wrong -

- Well, don’t do it. Don’t mind them. People will always find something about you that isn’t perfect, that they don’t like. They’ll vilify you, criticize you; in reality, they’re only jealous and think you are cool and would like to be exactly like you, but they can’t and they fully know it. They envy you and that’s why they’re so rude with you. They are a bunch of idiots. But don’t let it affect you –

The room was plunged into silence for a few seconds. Sebastian was astonished by the Finn’s unusually long speech. He was staring intensely at his hands, which were resting on his belly. He could feel Kimi’s eyes on him, expecting an answer or some kind of reaction, but he didn’t dare looking back at him. He was pondering and thinking about the past.

For some seconds he was back in 2009, when he was only a rookie full of expectations and wished to become a world champion someday. He was so naïve and fresh. He remembered all the chitchatting with Kimi during the drivers parades before every race – they were friends even back then – and his friend’s tight smile. For the first time he realized that it was true what Kimi was telling him. He remembered all the rumors in the paddock about Fernando and Kimi and Ferrari, recalled that Kimi wasn’t happy and realized that it was not only for the unlucky season he was having, but also for the tense relationship with his own team and the crowd. For the first time, Sebastian realized that Kimi went through something very similar to what was happening to him right now, with the only exception of the situation of the team – his one fully supported and helped him, Kimi’s didn’t – and understood that Kimi’s advices were absolutely true and sincere. They were friendly and disinterested suggestions.

He turned his head and held the Finn’s gaze for some moments, before nodding and smiling to him for the first time that night.

- Okay, I think I can make it! – he said, reaching for his shoulder and patting it.

Kimi nodded and grinned, then got up from the bad, reaching for the door, clearly satisfied that Seb had understood his point.

- Wait, where are you going now? – Sebastian asked him, surprised to see him going away without any other word.

- To the pub. Don’t wanna waste the whole night here. I had to tell you something and I did. Now, I want a beer. Maybe some vodka. You can come with me if you want, getting out of this dark lonely room and showing the world you can still have fun, even after a bad day –

- Can I? Really? –

- Yes –

- I’ll be ready in five minutes. Give me five minutes okay? – Sebastian quickly told him, frantically looking for some nice clothes, and his shoes, before heading to the bathroom like a hurricane had entered in the room suddenly – Don’t go away! Wait for me! I’ll be ready in a heartbeat, I swear! – he shouted, before loudly closing the bathroom door behind himself.

Kimi smiled softly and shook his head. That was the Sebastian he knew, the funny and always over-excited guy. He only needed somebody to talk to him and tell him how to react to a difficult situation. He felt proud of himself. It wasn’t easy for him to have such a open-heat speech, to tell him about his own bad experience with the crowd, but it helped him and that was all that mattered.

The bathroom door opened again and Sebastian was standing there, fully dressed and with some gel in his hair to make them look a little less messed than they were. A beautiful smile was pasted on his face, his eyes were big and shining with excitement and enthusiasm as usual.

- You ready? – Kimi asked.

- Yes. Let’s go and enjoy this night! –

They walked in the desert corridor and went into the elevator.

- Thank you, Kimi. Really – Sebastian only said, his voice full of gratitude.

- You’re welcome, Seb -